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TUCoPS :: Truly Miscellaneous :: aolsuk2.faq

AOL Sucks Frequently Asked Questions Part 2: Celebrities




*** FAQ (Part II - Celebrities ) ***

AOL has appearances by important people.
   This is being done on IRC (especially on the Undernet).  Speakers
   have included David Gergen, Frances Moore Lappe' (Diet for a Small
   Planet), Paul Martin Du Bois (co-author, The Quickening of
   America); Susan Stamberg (NPR Special Correspondent); and Howard
   Rheingold (Executive Editor, HotWired).
 
But I like commercialism!  What about when a celebrity appears on
AOL?
   On AOL, most questions don't get answered, and again, questions
   are picked through by an AOL Guide.  Attendance is limited to a
   few hundred, and the experience also suffers when questions are
   limited to the pool of AOL users.
 
   Here's how Scott Rosenberg of the San Francisco Examiner described 
   his attempt to watch Mick Jagger's appearance.    
   
 
                       "I Can't Get No Interaction" 
                                                         
   You couldn't see the thick lips, and you couldn't hear the thick
   British drawl.  But Monday night on America Online, you could
   watch Mick Jagger type.
 
   The online celebrity forum is an increasingly common marketing
   tool that puts a famous name behind a keyboard to take questions
   from a crowd of cyber-onlookers...It's a pretty inefficient way to
   find out stuff about the rich and famous--though it does provide
   the best insight yet available into their typing skills.
 
   Like many others, I spent the hour from 6 to 7 p.m. vainly
   clicking on the AOL "Coliseum" icon, pounding on the door to the
   room where Jagger was answering questions.  I wound up with a
   bunch of other Jagger turnaways in another AOL forum, the Odeon,
   where Oingo Boingo bandleader and movie-soundtrack composer Danny
   Elfman was also holding an online chat.  After curtly dismissing
   several questions relating to Jagger, Elfman finally lost it when
   someone asked, "What about the rumors involving you and David
   Bowie which have been repeated again and again by Howard Stern?"
 
   "I'm not Mick Jagger, you blithering idiot," the musician
   responded.
 
                                   [copyright San Francisco Examiner]
                
AOL excised this exchange from the transcript they made available to
their users.  But from what's left, it's still obvious that Elfman
wasn't having a good time.
 
 
Question: Loved "wierd science" & "dead man's party". How about a new
          Oingo album?
 
Elfman 1: Are you trying to piss me off or what? I just came out with
          a new Boingo album.  Why the f*** do you think I'm here
          right now?
 
 
Question: Where should composers go who want to get their music
          placed in a film (songs/soundtrack/themes,etc.?
 
Elfman 1: I would suggest a good long stay in a nice quiet
          sanitarium. Make sure you find one with pretty nurses and
          lots of strong drugs.  Masturbation four times a day is
          also an excellent exercise in becoming a film composer.  I
          put most of my music up my butt, not knowing where else to
          place it.
 
 
Question: what is your favorite food??
 
Elfman 1: My girlfriend's p#$@y
 
 
Question: Did you invent Batman??
 
Elfman 1: I am Batman, you imbecile.  Use the freeze frame on your
          video player and you'll see that it's me. BTW,  I also
          invented Superman and Spiderman.
 
 
Question: --please answer this!!! Did you invent batman??
 
Elfman 1: Batman was my son in law twice removed, from my first
          marriage -- if you really must know.
 
 
 
   Then there was the interview with Kennedy.  Like Elfman, she
   eventually got so frustrated with the AOL-ers, she typed in the
   following joke.
 
VJKENNEDY:      What's the worst part about having sex with an 8
                year old girl?
VJKENNEDY:      Getting the blood stain out of the clown suit.
 
 
   Can you blame her?  These were actual questions the AOL-er's
   asked.
 
        WHERE ARE YOU?
        I am a dork please help me- from Ha ha Ha
        What is your favorite kind of cheese?
        Kennedy Will you Be My Friend?
        What is the meaning of life?
        Are you cool?
        i think you're really a black man wearing dresses.
        Are you Regular or Extra Crispy?
        you should get a tan kennedy
        You look good in a bathing suit!
        You should mud wrestle Idalas at the Beach House!
        You should convince Daisy Fuentes to wear more revealing 
                clothing on Beach MTV !!
        Will you dance naked on a table for my birthday?
        ever think of posing Nude?
        I want to lick your butt
        Do you shave your private parts?
        Hey Kennedy are you Bi?                         
        Kennedy how big are you under the shirt?        
        uncross your legs kennedy your crushing my glasses
        Which artist gets you hot?
        I here that you and Madonna are lovers, is that true?
        DID U REALLY FLASH BILL BELLAMY TODAY AT THE BEACH HOUSE? 
                THAT WUZ COOL.
 
   The amazing thing is, she answered them!
 
Question:       What is your favorite kind of cheese?
VJKENNEDY:      Gouda.
 
Quesiton:       Are you Regular or Extra Crispy?
VJKENNEDY:      I'm creamy!      
  
Question:       Kennedy what do your neighbors think of you?
VJKENNEDY:      They don't speak English so it's hard for me to tell.
 
Question:       Kennedy how big are you under the shirt?
VJKENNEDY:      42DD
 
Question:       you should get a tan kennedy
VJKENNEDY:      Why, so I can be the melanoma VJ?
 
Question:       Are your glasses subscription
VJKENNEDY:      No but they are prescription.
 
Question:       do you have a boyfrind?
VJKENNEDY:      No, I don't have a boyfriend either.
 
Question:       You should convince Daisy Fuentes to wear more
                revealing clothing on Beach MTV !!
VJKENNEDY:      Blow me you Putz!
 
 
   Penn Jillette thinks even less of AOL.
                                               
   These are the questions the AOL-er's asked him:
 
Question: If you had a dog, what would you name him?
Question: Are you Canadian?
Question: What do you think can make us nerds any cooler?
Question: hellllllloooo one question...what;s the largest animal you 
          couldbeat up (with your bare hands) (for a collage essay)
Question: I think the show could use a little more blood.
Question: What's your favorite rock group, Penn?
Question: Will I be as cool as you if I got those shelves you have in 
          your office?
Question: Understand that Penn is a grad of Ringling's Clown College.
          Metoo!
Question: Was that a real bunny in the chipper shredder at the gig at 
          theBeacon in NY? 
 
   [The reporter with him started asking questions mocking the
   AOL-er's]
 
Josh Quit: what's your favorite food?
Josh Quit: who's your favorite beatle?
Josh Quit: if you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
 
   [ Penn did his best...]
 
P Jillette: I've never hit a person or animal on purpose. C'mon let's
            have some questions.
P Jillette: Buster, the dog would be named Buster.  He would be mean
            and never bark.
P Jillette: I didn't like the Beatles very much, but John was good
            after he left.  I hated Paul, that stoned ****** ****.
 
   What makes this interesting is Penn's remarks were passing through
   the AOL moderator, and AOL's Terms of Service prohibit words Penn
   wanted to use.
 
   It starts like this:
 
P Jillette: I'll take all questions, what the hell are we waiting
            for.
P Jillette: I'm in the desert and I've got a Tony Bennet concert and
            a strip show to go to.  Let's get this reactor on fucking
            line.
 
Question: First, what kind of cardiovascular program are you on? You
          are going to have a hear attack.  Second, will I be as cool
          as you if I got those shelves you have in your office?
 
P Jillette: I dug it. I eat 5% of calories from Fat and I'm in "The 
            Zone" 35 minutes a day.  My heart kicks ***.   
P Jilette:  Hey, who's censoring me? I thought *** would be okay.
            What about ****?
 
 
   [ He starts doing it on purpose: ]
 
Question:   How did you decide on a career in magic? 
P Jillette: We thought since everyone ***** in magic that we could be 
            noticed.
Question:   Have you and Teller ever tried to make David Copperfield 
            disappear?
P Jillette: Copperfield is in a different biz from us, he's doing
            magic, last I heard.  We're kicking  ******* ***.
 
P Jillette: Josh, say ******* something. 
Josh Quit:  can you do a trick for us, Penn?
P Jillette: The computer shows get a little rougher.  I say
            ************ even.
Josh Quit:  levitate me.
P Jillette: That was a private message to Josh, can't I swear to
            Josh?
P Jillette: I loved "Lois and Clark"  Great ****   She has a great
            **** of ****.
 
Question:   Penn-We're worried about your health. Do you have a 
            work-outprogram?
P Jillette: WHO is censoring me! Yeah, I work out every day and I eat 
            smart.  I've just lost 22. But who cares?  stop ****** 
            censoring me.
 
Question:   Penn, how about an article for WiReD? 
Josh Quit:  yeah, you can say *** and ****.
 
Question:    Penn - you and Teller sure make great Christmas
             presents.  Anything neat planned for this year you could
             share with us?
P Jillette:  Talk to the Cubans risking their lives to live in the
             land of the free. Talk to them about Fat boy. What did
             you see this Xmas, nipple tape?  How did you see it?
 
P Jillette:  Maybe you haven't read the constitution. 
 
Question:    Okay, so where's Teller?  Will he be doing stuff like
             this?
P Jillette:  Teller has done one of these before and we're going to
             start doing them often.  Probably on CompuServe where
             they don't have a moderator.
 
Amazingly, Penn's statement "Let's get this reactor on fucking line" 
appears in the transcript AOL made available online.  AOL's Terms of
Service even prohibit profanity masked by symbols, so the entire
transcript violates their own rules. 
 
Finally, the first entry in Jennifer Finch's Lollapalooza Tour
Journal to be made available on AOL, which she was keeping as part of
a record company promotion.
 
7/9
Hey, So here I am in Denver with an evening off with every good
intention of writing out a tour diary ( a "log" if you will) but
wouldn't you know it, Star Trek is on...
 
                                                        [end part II]


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