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TUCoPS :: Cyber Culture :: survirc.txt

Survive IRC

                                SURVIVE IRC
                      by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu

                       IRC - the drug of the nation.

   Nowadays,  Internet is  a  place  free  from  the stereotypical computer
individual,  namely  the  nerd.   Pimpled  teenagers with round glasses who
spends  one-hundred  and  fifty  hours  every  week  in front of their home
computers  is  a  phenomena that  belongs to the past.  If one want to meet
fools,  one  ought to call the local bulletin boards instead.  The Internet
is a mature network with 'normal', political correct people who use the net
for  strictly  academic,  scientific  and  informational  purposes.  On the
Internet Relay Chat, one can speak to these grown-up individuals.  Oh yes.

   Oh  no.  My God, who wrote the above mess?  The truth is that on IRC you
will only meet socially retarded individuals, so you better read on to gain
knowledge how to survive there.
   I  will  not  blame  you  for  even  thinking  the thought of connecting
yourself  to  IRC.   If  you have done it, that is ok.  You are crazed, now
that is a fact.
   Read on.


   The  best  thing  with  IRC is that you actually never meet the ones you
speak  to  (actually,  you  do  not  even  have to SPEAK with them either).
Self-made  descriptions  of  how people look like are wonderful, since your
weak  mind unconsciously will fit  them  into  almost  all  of  your sexual
   For example;

  <Joe> Describe yourself...
  <Mia>  I am eyes and rather good-looking breasts. :)

   Mia's  description  of  herself is great.  Joe will probably stay online
for the rest of this century just to speak with her.  Notice that Mia never
mentions  that she is two meters tall and weighs more than the Empire State
   Joe  will  not  be forced to describe himself, since all girls know that
men  with  nicks  like 'Mike', 'Joe' and 'Rambo' are all macho-men that are
aware  of a womans most primitive needs.  Joe's real name is however Nathan
Nash  and  when  he  is  not  online  he  listens to a name invented by his
friends; 'Mister Masturbation'.
   As said, the best thing is that they will never have to meet each other.
However,  there  is a slight problem called WWW homepages.  If Joe happened
to  have  his  picture  on  his  homepage, Mia could easily check it up and
discover  that...   well...that  he  in  fact  looked  just  like an actor!
Because  who  the  hell  is  so dumb that he places his REAL picture on his


   Now  if  you think that talking on IRC implicates that you should act as
macho  as  possible,  you are wrong.  You should not even try to act like a
normal healthy human being.
   The  code  is;  'act like a nerd, but believe that you (nor anyone else)
actually is one'.
   This  code  might  be  a hard one to get a grip on, but you will quickly
learn how it works.

  <Malcolm> HI!
  <CoolMan> Hello Malcolm!
  -- CoolMan *HUGS* Malcolm!
 -- Malcolms hugs CoolMan and everyone else here!!!  I am sooo *HAPPY*!

   You  understand.   The  above example is not from channel #gaysex, but a
normal way of making new friends on IRC.  Naturally, there is a possibility
of going to far. Exchanging tips about diapers is not alright, if you claim
that you will use them yourself.
   Here is an example of how you should NOT behave;

  <Force> Hello everyone, how is it going?
  -- Dare *HUGS* Force!
  <Force> Oh please, stop it Dare...
  ** Force has been kicked out of channel #boring by user Dare **

   'Force' was kicked because he refused to conform to the ideas of what is
IRC  etiquette.   Because  he  wanted  a  normal  chat,  he was regarded as
   However, you may be as aggressive as you want to if you just know how to
express  your  feelings  in  an  appropriate  way.  Just follow this simple

  What you want to say.   How you ought to say it.

  'FUCK YOU!'       ----> 'You are not nice.'
  'GET LOST!'       ----> 'I will not hug you any more'
  'IDIOT!'          ----> 'You make me cry softly'
  'MOTHERFUCKER!'   ----> 'Now I am crying because of you'

  ...  the rest should be easy to figure out by yourself.

   Some normative suggestions of how to speak;

    WRONG:   'I  finished  my last exam today so I feel rather relaxed...
time for a few beers soon I guess.'
  CORRECT:   'I  *HUG* everyone!!!  I am so *happy* because I wrote my last
exam today!!!  Time to open a bottle of Coca-Cola!!!!!'

    WRONG:  'Why hello, nice to see you again.'
  CORRECT:  '<nick>!!!!!!   I  tickle you because I am so *happy* that you
are here my little cosy teddy-bear!!'

    WRONG:  'I better be off...  lots of work to do.'
  CORRECT:  'I  must  be off and that makes be sad.  :( I *CRY*!!!  I love
you  all!   Now it is time to study some <whatever, preferably 'metaphysics
of cosy teddy bears' or equal>.'

   Cry,  hug  people  all the time, act like a child and you should do just
fine.   Very  fine.   You might even get 'ops' if you are a complete moron.
'Ops'  are magic little status devices that puts you in the divine position
of  kicking  people and changing topics on certain channels.  You would not
believe what some people do for these.


   There  are no rules of what you should talk about on IRC.  Ha ha, fooled
you.  Of course there are.

   There are rules, but no topics.  Actually, there is no order at all.  If
you enjoy chaos, enter channel #talk and try to start a dialogue.  You will
find  sixty-four  other  users  trying  to  do the same thing.  The result?
Sixty-five people.  Nothing more, nothing less.

   <alarm>  hello?
   <death>  HELLO?
   <murder>  IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
   <destruction>  TALK TO ME!

   (fifty messages later;)

   <alarm>  hello?
   <death>  HELLO?
   <murder>  IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
   <destruction>  TALK TO ME!

   Dr  August  Balle  wrote  in  his book 'Suicidal People in the Brave New
World'  that  one  of the strangest ways of suicide he had ever come across
was  a  man  who  had  spent  ten  hours in front of his computer before he
suddenly  jumped  out of the window.  The man had left a note that said; 'I
have  no  more  friends.   ProtoServ  banned me from channel #shit.  I have
nobody left in this world.'
   (It  is  worth  mention  that two weeks later Dr Balle himself committed
suicide,  after  being  banned from #shrinks by SigmundBot, due to the fact
that  he  openly  claimed  that  Freud  was 'a fake who only wanted to play
around with his own urine'.)



   Never enter.  Stick to newsgroups. If you want to meet the individual of
your dreams, go to a pub.

         IRC-folk kommer att hata mig efter denna fil. Underbart.
         Now for something completely different: IRC CHANNEL #uxu

            Smack him in the head - Smack him 'till he is dead.

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