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TUCoPS :: Cyber Culture :: rpirates.txt

Real Pirates Guide

*  High Society presents...          *
*                                    *
*  The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2  *
*                                     *
*            compiled  by             *
*             Ctrl-Reset              *

Finally! After a few cheap imitations, the second volume of Rabid
Rasta's Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left for the college scene,
and I worked closely with him on the first version, you'll have to put
up with me for this installment.

As stated in the first edition of The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a
lot of pirates; unfortunately, the vast majority of them are morons. For
this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in the growth and
maturity of the younger pirate generation. Which brings us to the golden
rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF AGE" (exceptions
are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we could let that

What follows is a compendium of all the ideals and morals a Real Pirate
should possess. Note that some have been taken over from the first Guide
because of their high value, and because these rules are still widely
knocked around.


Real Pirates can appreciate the difference between "Karateka," and
"Competition Karate".

Real Pirates have long-since deleted "Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of
dog dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott

Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure
International go Chapter 11.

Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the never-ending quest of collecting
all 12 sides of "Time Zone".

Real Pirates respect the programming and creative talents of those
working for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electronic Arts, and congratulate
them on a valiant attempt to make money.

Real Pirates didn't get excessively excited upon the release of
"SoftPorn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or anything of the sort.

Real Pirates respect the efforts of other pirates to sell his or her own
sofware, but would distribute them at them drop of a hat.

Real Pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse, "machine

Real Pirates don't contemplate why their Apple II+ w/48k won't run
"King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw."

Real Pirates know that the Mail Trading Club, run by The Professor, is
the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off since X-Ray glasses.

Real Pirates aren't anticipating the release of the follow-up to "The
Phillistine Ploy."

Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European

Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a
very bad game.

Real Pirates play "Karateka".


When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and
's', 'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and
'for', and 'x' and 'ks'.

Corollary: Real Pirates have long since developed the ability to
punctuate, spell and construct clear, well organized sentences.

Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for
new ways to spell "WARES".

Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).

Real Pirates use lower case.

Real Pirates don't use text graphics.

Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-spacing.

Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really don't have.

Real Pirates aren't to impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them
off upon logging onto such boards.

Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing
anyone from reading the last few lines.

Real Pirates don't brag about people they know, or clubs they are in to
the point of becoming obnoxious. (ie. "RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",

Real Pirates don't obtain their "phreak" codes from the local Net-Works
"super-elite hack board".

Real Pirates use the latest version of ASCII Express "Pro".

Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned
with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are
happy to  send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in
the same business.  (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides")

Real Pirates don't wait for BBS's to print-out their "goodbye" message,
they hang-up.

Real Pirates always have a copy of "Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or

Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx],"
or anything of the sort.

Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way
use them as a means to get "new wares."

Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board".

Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates
"assume" one has an Apple Cat.

Corollary: Real Pirates know that a "cat" -- when referred to by another
pirate -- is not a small, furry mammal in the genus of a tiger (unless
specificly pointed out as such.)

Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates couldn't give a bucket of
hampster vomit about anything pertaining to anyone else's pet.

Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the
phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
"beat the living shit out of" someone in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap
Mail, that's for sure.

Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do
little more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.

Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can
fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to
post something relavent.

Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/EX' on a line by
itself, and have it included in the message.

Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a
certain message on (ie. no "new wares" messages on the "Famous People
Which I Have Met" board).

Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away.


Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The
Male Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).

Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever
(ie. Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.).

Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name
unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one.

Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not stand for 'Miles Per Gallon',
'Many Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green', or anything of the sort.

Corollary: Real Pirates would never think of forming, or joining another
group with the suffix "P.G.", standing for "Pirates Guild" (three is


when talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in
the background.

Real Pirates are not offended by articles in NewsWeek simply because
they make a few derogatory remarks about BBS/modem users, and do not use
this weak reason for making the author's life miserable.

Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled,
and didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another

Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where
Vicky absent-mindedly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank,
causing the ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, while
seeing the heads and body parts of "your crew" scattered about the

Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Letterman."

Real Pirates just don't give a damn!

Well, that's it for now. If you were at all offended by anything in this
article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after all,
Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files.

ASCII: Completed

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