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TUCoPS :: Cyber Culture :: realpir3.txt

Real Pirates #3 (humor)




sssstarts--space aborts
 
[]] [\] []] [\] []] [\] []] [\] []] [\]
[\]                                 []]
[]]     THE REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE     [\]
[\]                                 []]
[]]           COMPILED BY           [\]
[\]           RABID RASTA           []]
[]]                                 [\]
[\] []] [\] []] [\] []] [\] []] [\] []]
 
 
[SIMULATION]
 
FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
DATE-> SAT AUG 4   10:21 PM
 
I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD
ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 OF SUMMER GAM
ES!MY  CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF S
URGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL
IT 2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS TRADEI
NG?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS
CARS ,DISK MUNCHER AND SOME K00L OTHER
STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-
3741.IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE
THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
 
 
  ***      *****     **
   *         *      *  *
*  *         *     ******
 ** HONNY    * HE  *    * VENGER
 
 
 
*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
   THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
 
 
IS THE AUTHOR OF THE ABOVE MESSAGE A
TRUE PIRATE? SINCE THE BEGINNING OF
TIME THERE HAS BEEN AN IMPLICIT CODE
OF ETIQUETTE GOVERNING THE ACTIONS OF
SOFTWARE PIRATES, BUT AS MANY OF YOU
MAY HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, THAT CODE
HAS BEEN KNOCKED AROUND A BIT. ALTHOUGH
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO DIFFERENTIATE A
TRUE PIRATE FROM ONE OF THESE POOR IMI-
TATIONS, I BELIEVE THAT, WITH THE NUM-
BER OF TRUE PIRATES DECREASING AT SUCH
AN ALARMING RATE, THIS CODE SHOULD BE
SET STRAIGHT. AFTER ALL, ALTHOUGH
"JOHNNY" IS ADMITTEDLY A MORON, IT'S
NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE NEVER RECEIVED
PROPER GUIDANCE.
 
 
ONE OF THE FIRST AND FOREMOST RULES OF
PIRACY: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS
OLD! EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE ARE EX-
TREMELY RARE AT BEST.
 
COROLLARY: YOU NEVER HAVE TO WONDER WHO
BREEDED MICKEY MOUSE WITH A 2600 HZ
TONE TO PRODUCE A REAL PIRATE'S VOICE.
 
 
ALIASES
-------
 
REAL PIRATES ARE MORE IMAGINATIVE THAN
TO USE THE WORD "COPY" IN THEIR ALIAS.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED
"MR. COPY" BECAUSE REAL PIRATES DON'T
BRAG ABOUT CRACKING DUNG BEETLES.
 
THE WORD "CRACK" (OR "KRACK") IS FOUND
NOWHERE IN A REAL PIRATE'S NAME...UN-
LESS HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO.
 
REAL PIRATES' ALIASES DON'T SOUND AS IF
THEY WERE EXTRACTED FROM THE LYRICS OF
AN OZZY OZBOURNE SONG (I.E. PROVISIONER
OF SATAN, BLACK AVENGER, DARK PHANTOM,
ETC.).
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF-
TER HEAVY METAL GROUPS.
 
REAL PIRATES, IF NAMED AFTER SOME AS-
PECT OF PIRATE LEGEND (I.E. JOLLY
ROGER, CAPTAIN HOOK, EYE PATCH, ETC.)
DON'T SAY, "AVAST YE SCURVY DOGS," OR
ANYTHING OF THE LIKE.
 
REAL PIRATES' NAMES AREN'T PARODIES OF
OTHER REPUTABLE PIRATES (I.E. RESIDENT
OF LAVENDER BAG, MR. PAC MAN, FRANKLIN
BANDIT, ETC.).
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF-
TER ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES (I.E. JACK
DANIELS, HARVEY WALLBANGER, JIM BEAM,
ETC.) ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'VE NEVER
HAD ONE.
 
REAL PIRATES SPELL THEIR ALIASES COR-
RECTLY (UNLIKE "THE POENIX").
 
 
REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED SAM HOUSTON,
SIR SPANKY, THE GAMEMASTER, LORD
FAGEN, OR MR. COPY.
 
 
WARES
-----
 
REAL PIRATES WOULD NEVER THINK OF DE-
LETING "SABOTAGE". IT'S TOO MUCH FUN
IMAGINING THOSE LITTLE MEN ARE ACTUAL-
LY SIR KNIGHT.
 
REAL PIRATES PLAY "BILESTOAD".
 
REAL PIRATES HAVE LONG SINCE DELETED
"SNEAKERS", "E.T.", "ALIEN MUNCHIES",
"BUG BATTLE", "SNACK ATTACK", AND
EVERYTHING FROM SSI, AVALON HILL, AND
SCOTT ADAMS.
 
REAL PIRATES UPLOAD. THEY REALIZE THAT
LEECHING IS THE #2 SIN (BEHIND, OF
COURSE, BEING 13 YEARS OLD).
 
REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT PENGUIN
AREN'T REALLY "THE GRAPHICS PEOPLE".
 
REAL PIRATES FEEL GUILTY WHEN PIRATING
BEAGLE BROTHERS. OF COURSE, THAT NEVER
STOPS THEM.
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T BELIEVE THE MORONS
WHO SAY THEY HAVE ULTIMA IV AND POLE
POSITION.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORMULA I
RACER AND POLE POSITION.
 
 
BOARDS
------
 
REAL PIRATES AREN'T THE FIFTH TO POST
THE SAME "I HAVE..." MESSAGE.
 
CORROLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T POST "I
HAVE..." MESSAGES WHEN THEY REALLY
DON'T HAVE.
 
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T DOWNLOAD PROGRAMS
FROM PUBLIC AE'S AND THEN POST "I KNOW
IT'S OLD, BUT I HAVE...TOO" MESSAGES
ON PIRATE BOARDS.
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T POST THEIR HIGH
SCORES.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T KEEP
SCORE.
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T SAY "K-K00L",
"K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N",
OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT.
 
REAL PIRATES KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BE-
TWEEN "F" AND "PH" (I.E. "PHILES",
"PHUCK", "FONE", ETC.).
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T WASTE EVERYONE'S
TIME BACKSPACING OVER THEIR ALIAS 50
TIMES.
 
REAL PIRATES DONT USE TEXT GRAPHICS IN
THEIR MESSAGES.
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CURSE
BBS'S "K-K00L M0DS".
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T SEARCH FOR NEW WAYS
TO SPELL "WARES".
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T USE THE LAST 5 LINES
OF THEIR MESSAGES BRAGGING ABOUT THE 8
MEANINGLESS ORGANIZATIONS THAT THEY
BELONG TO.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T BELONG TO
SWAPP, DOSNNPG, OR NASCOMP.
 
REAL PIRATES WHO ARE GBBS SYSOPS ARE
PROUD TO HAVE STOLEN FROM GREG
SCHAEFER.
 
REAL PIRATES ARE SATISFIED WITH ONE
EXCLAMATION POINT.
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T CALL DIAL-YOUR-
MATCH.
 
REAL PIRATES NEVER GET INTO "BITCH
WARS" UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY ARE
GRINDING SOME 13 YEAR OLD TI USER INTO
THE DUST.
 
 
TRANSFERS
---------
 
REAL PIRATES DON'T DFX.
 
REAL PIRATES NO LONGER BUY MICROMODEM
II'S, SSM MODEMCARDS, OR NETWORKER
MODEMS.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES BUY APPLE CATS.
 
COROLLARY TO THE COROLLARY: REAL PI-
RATES ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT 300 BAUD
IS DEAD.
 
REAL PIRATES AREN'T AROUND TO TRADE ON
FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
 
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES HAVEN'T WATCHED
LOVE BOAT SINCE THEY WERE 13.
 
REAL PIRATES TYPE "BRUN AE" WITHOUT THE
SPACEBAR IN BETWEEN.
 
REAL PIRATES CAN GET DISKFERCCATSEND TO
WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
 
REAL PIRATES NEVER OWNED NETWORKER   
MODEMS.
 
CONCLUSION
----------
 
THAT'S IT...FOR NOW. SINCE LOSERS IN-
VENT NEW WAYS TO BE LOSERS EVERY DAY,
EXPECT A "REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE, VOLUME
2" VERY SOON.
 
IF ANY OF YOU WERE TERRIBLY OFFENDED BY
ANYTHING IN THIS FILE, THAT'S YOUR CLUE
TO RETIRE FROM THE PIRATE WORLD. AFTER
ALL, REAL PIRATES DON'T GET OFFENDED
BY THINGS WRITTEN IN TEXTFILES.
 
THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING FOR THEIR
CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS FILE:
 
OTTO SHINEFLUG, CTRL RESET, BIT
O'NASTY, LORD CHAOS, NILONIEL I, AND
WHATEVER CON MAN CALLS HIMSELF OUT OF
STATE.
 
(C)1984 RABID RASTA;
UBANGI JUNGLE PUBLISHING
 


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