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TUCoPS :: Cyber Culture :: ldc_cp.txt

How to Use a Computer




How to use a computer
by: boredfreak aka DLAK

1)The "on" switch on your p.c. is used to turn the machine on, and it
never turns off, no matter what anyone else tells you.

2)the only acceptable reason to put white-out on your screen, is if you
thought it was cool to place a man's genitals on your desktop.

3)when the computer is talking to you, it might be a good idea to talk
back to it to show off to the $5 hooker you invited up to your parents
basement to show her your fascinating collection of universal remote
controls.

4)To remove dirty files from your hard drive when you were
"investigating" the kiddy porn region of the internet, remove the hard
drive and soak it in lukewarm tap water and scrub with a wire brush
vigorously.

5)Its always a good idea to apply super glue to your keyboard to keep
anyone else from using it when you're not using it. And if your not to
sure if you left it on, ask a family member to see if the spacebar is
working or not, they'll thank you for it one day.

6)When someone asks if they can use your computer, reach for your
emergency flame-thrower and ask that person to jump through the window
as you throw flame at him, he's actually an FBI agent searching for
illegal content on your hard drive(which is why you should frequently
exploit step #4).

7)If a sliding slot opens up on your P.C., run! Run as far as you can as
fast as you can. Never look back and continue to run and never ask me
why you should do this, because that sounds like a stupid question. 

8)Always keep your mouse bound to the mouse pad at night with staples
and cedar blocks, he'll want to wander round you at night and eventually
wrap itself around your right pointer finger causing unevitable loss of
the finger you use for clicking the mouse.

9)If your monitor starts smoking and sparks fly from the back and or
top, stare at it reeeaally close. If it doesnt literally blow up and
flame all over your retinas, it'll cease its reckless ways and go back
to computing.

10)Your printer will, at times, print out "Your death is near" randomly
for no apparent reason. Dont worry, this is completley normal. After a
couple of weeks, it'll be just as if it wasn't possessed by spirits of
criminally insane serial killers that would want to see their threats
written on the wall with your child's blood.
 


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