AOH :: SANTAMOM.TXT|
A letter to Santa from his mother
A LETTER FROM MRS. CLAUS TO SANTA
Hope you're all set for that Christmas Eve trip, but I'm worried
about you. So, please listen to your mother.......
First off, Father and I feel that your old red coat trimmed with
white fur is a bit too gaudy, too flashy for a man in your
position. So, we bought you a new, navy suit - all wool and very
warm. Our christmas gift to you. We're sending it United Parcel
so you'll get it in time. And with your new suit, Father suggests
you shave off that ridiculous beard. He wants you to look more
with "it" more handsome - yes, more youthful. No amount of ho, ho,
ho-ing makes you look any younger.
Second, and don't think I'm meddling, son, but you've got to be
more careful what you eat while you're visiting all those homes. I
know children put out snacks for you, but you must learn to control
your appetite. Frankly, you're getting too fat. It'as all that
sugar in the cookies and candy. Horrible for your teeth, too. And
those extra pounds are a burden on your heart. So, I'm enclosing a
recipe for delicious treats made of honey, granola and molasses.
Tastes good and they're good for you.
And while you're in those private homes, I insist you be more
discreet! I don't know how to put this but I want no more songs
like "I saw mama kissing Santa Claus". Heavens to Betsy.....I'll
have none of that! And your Father will discuss this with you
Third, Father wants me to remind you to wipe your boots before you
go traipsing around in peoples houses. We received a number of
letters complaining that your reindeer made a mess on the roof and
you carried it into their living rooms. Make sure the reindeer go
potty before you set out and take along a "pooper-scooper." One of
your reindeer (I think it's red-nosed Rudolph) seems to be taking
too much in the way of holiday spirits. Shameful! Holiday spirits
should be in the heart, not in the bottle. I insist that you
threeaten to replace him at once unless he stops imbibing. If he's
trying to keep warm, just bring along a large thermos of chicken
soup. That's also good for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner, & Blitzen, For you too.
By the way, do you carry Worker's Compensation for the elves?
It's a must! We've poor personnel relations. Even maybe a strike.
How tragic that would be for the children. So be sure you provide
some kind of benefit package and explain it all to your helpers.
You know- Health and Accident Insurance, Vacations with pay,
retirement plans, special mufflers for their pointed heads and
ears, things like that.
One last thing son: I know you'll be in a hurry Christmas Eve, but
do visit your Aunt Kitty in Peoria. She loves you so and she's
been ill lately. and make time (you have time for everything else)
to call your Father and ask about his arthritis. Phone on Saturday
or Sunday or before 8 a.m. on weekdays. It's Cheaper.
Our love to you and your sweet wife, Your Concerned Mother.
P.S. Remember - no more than 55 m.p.h. in that Sleigh!
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