Amish Paradise
(parody of Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise")

As I walk through the valley
where I harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife
and realize she's very plain!

But that's just perfect for an Amish like me,
Ya know, I shun fancy things like electricity.

At four-thirty in the mornin' I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows . . . fool!
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline.
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin.

But if I finish all of my chores
And you finish thine,
Then tonight we're gonna party
Like it's 1699!

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish Paradise.
I churn butter once or twice,
Living in an Amish Paradise.
It's hard work and sacrifice,
Living in an Amish Paradise.
We sell quilts at discount price,
Living in an Amish Paradise.

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week.
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek.

I really don't care,
In fact, I wish him well.
'Cos I'll be laughing my head off
When he's burning in hell.

But, I ain't never punched a tourist
Even though he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude,
You know that's unheard of.

I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat!
And my homeys agree I really look good in black, fool!
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears.
We haven't even paid the phone bill in three hundred years!

But we ain't really quaint,
So please don't point and stare,
We're just technologically impaired!

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcars,
Not a single luxury.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
It's as primitive as can be.

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish Paradise.
We're just plain and simple guys,
Living in an Amish Paradise.
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish Paradise.
We don't fight, we all play nice,
Living in an Amish Paradise.

Hitchin' up the buggy,
Churnin' lots of butter.
Raised a barn on Monday,
Soon I'll raise anutter.

Think you're really righteous?
Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times
As humble as thou art!

I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife!

So don't be vain,
And don't be whiny!
Or else, my brother,
I might have to get medieval on your heinie!

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish Paradise.
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish Paradise.
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish Paradise.
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish Paradise.

Ah oh oh oh, oh oh oh.
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh YECCH.