AOH :: TREK-161.TXT
The Universal Sci-Fi Parody
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Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!spool.mu.edu!news.nd.edu!mentor.cc.purdue.edu!expert.cc.purdue.edu!mcveywa
From: mcveywa@expert.cc.purdue.edu (Wizard of Oz {William McVey})
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Re: Universal Science Fiction Parody
Message-ID: <27632@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>
Date: 26 Nov 91 20:13:18 GMT
Article-I.D.: mentor.27632
References: <1991Nov23.192303.2277@bsu-ucs.uucp> <1991Nov25.170911.6092@usenet@CS.ORST.EDU>
Sender: news@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Lines: 2844
In article <1991Nov25.170911.6092@usenet@CS.ORST.EDU> gravillr@prism.CS.ORST.EDU (Russell J. Graville) writes:
>In article <1991Nov23.192303.2277@bsu-ucs.uucp> 00fvcrittend@bsu-ucs.uucp writes:
>>
>> Could someone repost a story entitled something like "The Universal Science
>>Fiction Parody"? It touched upon just about every science fiction show you
>>can imagine-- from both Star Trs all the way through Harry and the Hender-
>>sons.
Well I was able to find all the chapters... Sorry for posting it all in
one lump sum, but I'm kind of busy and I got to go... I will be mailing this
to gravillr@prism.CS.ORST.EDU and if it does not make it intact as one post,
I am hoping he will repost it in parts. Once again, sorry if it doesn't
work out.
Wizard of Oz
(a.k.a. William McVey)
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| Death is irrelevent; | There can be only | That's my job; that's what |
| You are irrelevent. | one!!! | I do. I'm good at it. |
| The Borg. | Conner Macleod | Peter May |
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| SO BE IT |
| -H.H.H. |
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| mcveywa@expert.cc.purdue.edu wizard@mentor.cc.purdue.edu |
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--------------
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Our Story So Far:
None you idiot, this is the first batch!
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__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // / / /
/____//____//_/ /_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 1. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The familiar outline of a disc-shaped
ship with three cigar-shaped pontoons attached to it, moves into view. As
the ship moves, we see it is coming into orbit above a planet that looks
surprisingly like the familiar shots of earth from space that we all have
grown to recognize. All of the lines in this scene are actually, voice-overs.]
KIRK: Space, the final fronteir,
PICARD: these are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise,
KIRK: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a minute! Spock,...what...is...that voice?
SPOCK: It appears to be the sound of someone interrupting your
soliloquy, Captain.
KIRK: My solili-what?
SPOCK: Your opening monologue, sir.
KIRK: My which-a-logue?
SPOCK: Your speech! sir.
KIRK: Oh, yes, well...who...is interrupting...me?
SPOCK: It would appear to be that balding gentleman at the far end of
the sound stage.
KIRK: (puzzled) You mean the one in the leotard?
PICARD: This is the uniform of a Captain of Starfleet, NOT a leotard!
KIRK: Well, it looks like it's made out of nylon.
PICARD: This is SPANDEX!(tm).
KIRK: Oh, well, is it comfortable? It doesn't look it.
PICARD: Well, not actually, but...
KIRK: Why do you wear it then?
PICARD: (arrogant again) It's a Starfleet uniform.
SPOCK: (clears his throat) Captain, this is all very interesting, but
we have been on orbital approach to this planet for far too
long already. We cannot complete our orbit until somebody
finishes the opening. Moreover, the movie cannot start until
then either.
PICARD: The Vulcan has a point. I shall continue.
KIRK: Just a minute, you unknown, British, Shakespearian, actor...
PICARD: Why you swaggering, over-acting tyrant.
[Sounds of a struggle ensue as the two begin to fight.]
BIG BIRD: Hey, wait a minute. [Struggle sounds stop.]
KIRK: Spock,...what is...that thing?
BONES: Why is everything we don't understand always called a thing?
KIRK: Shut up Bones, I don't want to deal with you right now. Spock?
SPOCK: It appears to be a giant, yellow, talking bird, Captain.
KIRK: Well,...what should we...do...about it?
SPOCK: Logic would dictate that we listen to what it has to say.
BIG BIRD: I was over at the next soundstage, filming Sesame Street (aside,
to camera) on Public Television, check local listings for time
and station, (back to KIRK, etc..) when I heard you fighting.
I think I can help. Why don't you cooperate?
PICARD: (submissively, already trying to surrender) You mean, we should
both read the opening monologue?
BIG BIRD: Yeah! That's called cooperation!
PICARD: Well, Kirk?
KIRK: (grudgingly) OK. (stage whisper to Spock) Where were we?
SPOCK: (out loud, missing all subtlety) These are the voya...
KIRK: These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise.
PICARD: It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds,
KIRK: to seek out new life, and new civilizations,
PICARD & KIRK: To boldy go, where no one has gone before.
[Cue music.]
[Scene 2. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The old Enterprise finishes its orbital
approach while the new Enterprise (1701-D) leaves orbit. The camera follows
the new ship as it flies out of the solar system. It enters warp speed
near an asteroid field. The camera pans around the field, and the
asteroids begin to form letters. Eventually, the following words
float by in a familiar fashion:
Episode XXIII:
Are We Having Fun Yet?
The EMPIRE, under the leadership of the newest
dark Jedi, KARTH GATOR, is gathering their forces
at the edge of the galaxy. Preparing to assault
a new fronteir, a whole new galaxy and conquer
new worlds. The EMPEROR spends much time in the
throne room inside the newly-built, DRECK STAR,
preparing for the carnage he is about to wreak.
Meanwhile, the REBEL ALLIANCE has developed
into a triumvirate ruled by LUKE SKYWALKER,
representing the pseudo-religous Jedis; PRINCESS
LEIA, representing the governments of the alliance;
and HAN SOLO, representing the privateers. Each
of them are dedicated to stopping the EMPIRE.
The letters float off into the distance. An Imperial Tie-Fighter roars by.
The camera follows the fighter as it approaches a large, pyramid shaped
structure. In the area are several Imperial Battleships.]
[Scene 3. Interior Shot. Emperor's Throne Room. The room is large, but
unusually dark, and mostly empty. There is also a marked lack of droids
of any kind. The throne is on a large dais at one end of the room. A video
screen shows an exterior view of space. An old, wrinkledman sits on the
throne. He is dressed in only a black robe.]
[A beeping sound is heard.]
EMPEROR: (gesturing) Come.
[A large powered door opens up, letting in some light.]
GIZMO: (from Gremlins, in a cameo appearance) Bright light! Bright
light!
STRIPE: (also from Gremlins, also a cameo) Gizmo, ka ka! [Kicks Gizmo
out of the scene, laughs, and disappears.]
[Karth Gator, dressed very like Darth Vader used to be, except that his
helmet looks somewhat like an outback hat, enters. He kneels.]
KARTH: My liege.
EMPEROR: Rise, and report.
KARTH: Everything goes as planned. The last of the attack force is
assembling. Triangulation settins are locked on target. The
invasion grows near.
EMPEROR: Excellent. What is our first target?
KARTH: A planet known as Terra, an insignificant planet really, but
useful as a base of operations. Interception of their own
information broadcasts indicate that thier civilization has
been all but destroyed by an attack of giant monsters.
EMPEROR: Show me.
[Karth pulls out a remote control. One of the early ones, that were very
big and had very few functions. He aims the control at a convenient wall,
pushes a button, and nothing happens. Karth looks at the control, and
bangs it with the top of his hand.]
KARTH: Damn it, Ziggy!
[He bangs on the remote some more, while it makes Pac-man noises. He aims
and clicks again. This time it works, an old Godzilla movie is displayed.
He is happily trashing Tokyo, breathing electric fire, the usual monster
stuff.]
GODZILLA: Aaauuaaaannnnnnggggghhhha (approximation of Godzilla's roar)
EMPEROR: Excellent! Turn it off.
[Karth is about to comply when a beeping noise interrupts, and an Imperial
officer appears on the screen.]
OFFICER: Excuse me, my liege, but a border scout reports that a rebel
ship is spying on our location.
KARTH: Destroy it!
EMPEROR: Hold! Let it go.
OFFICER: Yes, milord. [Screen goes blank.]
EMPEROR: No doubt, you wonder at my decision, Gator.
KARTH: Yes, my lord.
EMPEROR: I want the Alliance to know of our invasion plans. I need
the Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Karth shudders at the mention of
the name of the killer of so many of his predecessors) to
come to me. I shall finally convert him to the dark side
of the Force. Now go, prepare the fleet.
[Karth exits, as the door closes behind him, the camera focuses on the black
door. The following words fade into existence on the center of the screen:
Meanwhile....
At the Universe three doors down and to the right.
Scene 4. Interior Shot. Dr. Hans Zarkov's Rocketship. The interior is a
cylindrically shaped room with couches around the outside wall. Three people
sit equally spaced around the center, belted in firmly. They are Dr Hans
Zarkov, formally of NASA; Flash Gordon, former pro quarterback; and Dale
Arden, reporter, and former high school cheerleader. Near Dale's head is
a portal, and outside, the sky is pink. The three are forced against the
wall, and Flash's foot is holding down a large red pedal. The room is shaking.]
ZARKOV: Flash! You must keep your foot on that pedal, or else!
FLASH: Or else what?
ZARKOV: It would be bad.
VENKMANN (Peter Venkmann appearing out of nowhere) I'm a little fuzzy on
this whole good/bad thing.
ZARKOV: or else we wouldn't achieve escape velocity, we would miss our
chance to enter the worm hole, and be trapped in this dimension
forever.
FLASH: (thinking of Ming's daughter, the princess) Well, that wouldn't
be so pad.
ZARKOV: With no video games!
FLASH: (coming to his senses) Right! [He presses harder on the pedal.]
[Exterior Shot. Dr Zarkov's ship looks junkier from the outside than the
inside. It is flying through the air, obviously hung from a string with
sparkler effects coming out the back. Two (2) of Ming's high-tech ships
(high-tech meaning they have tail fins and no string) are giving chase. One
fires a laser (did I forget to mention armed to the teeth?) at the
junkpile. It misses the ship, barely.]
VOICE-OVER
PILOT #1: Enemy Bogey over Ming Station-1, Please Identify yourself.
Enemy Bogey, Identify.
[Just then the worm hole appears and Zarkov's ship files into it.]
V-O PILOT 1: Foxtrot Tango 1 to Ming Station. Bogey has entered worm hole.
Request permission to pursue.
V-O CMDR 1: Permission granted. Dispatch Warlock and Ajax, to bring back
his body.
[The two high-tech ships bank and enter the wormhole just as it disappears.]
[Scene 5. Exterior Shot. A white hole can most easily be described as the
complete opposite of a black hole. Theoretically then, a white hole would
repel everything. It would be an intense concentration of anti-gravitons,
pushing away everything, including each other. Scientists have postulated
that a white hole would be at the other end of a black hole. The only
problem is, no one has seen either one of them. Add to this the fact that
a white hole, if it existed, would destroy itself immeadiately by repelling
itself makes the whole thing completely preposterous. So while a black
hole, reamining undiscovered, is an intellectual curiosity, a white hole
cannot possibly exist and is merely ludicrous. This then, is a gray hole.
Somewhere between a white hole & a black hole. You may consider it something
almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a black hole. It swirls debris in a
spiral pattern around itself. Suddenly, from out of the center, a junkpile
of a rocketship shoots out. It is followed by two (2) high-techrockets. The
ship streaks across the sky towards a blue police box spinning on it's
central axis. The junky rocket brushes past the box causing it to spin
more wildly. The other two ships bursh by as well, knocking in into a spin
even more wild, and reckless spin motions. The ships continue on, while
the police box tumbles toward the grey hole.]
[Scene 6. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Chamber. The Doctor (played
by Tom Baker) and Lady Romanadveratrelundar are holding onto the console.
Leela, Adric, & K-9 huddle in a corner.]
DOCTOR: Romana! We must try to stabilize the TARDIS! We're tumbling
directly toward that grey hole!
ROMANA: I'm trying, Doctor, but it isn't easy with us shaking
about like this. Can't you adjust the architectural
configuration circuits to get this room under control,
at least?
DOCTOR: I can't. Not without my sonic screwdriver!
ROMANA: Well, that's in the storage closet!
DOCTOR: I know, but I can't get their with the room shaking this way!
ROMANA: That is why you need to adjust the architectural configuration
circuits!
DOCTOR: And that's why you need to stabilize the TARDIS!
ROMANA: Right. [She pushes some buttons, moves some dials, suddenly
the room stops shaking.]
ADRIC: Good going, Romana, you did it!
ROMANA: I'm afraid not.
LEELA: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: She means that, the TARDIS has passed the event horizon
threshold of the grey hole and we're now frozen in time and
space.
ROMANA: Not exactly.
DOCTOR: (looking puzzled) Well, what do you mean then?
ROMANA: I mean that it is just 12:00 and the cameraman went on
lunch break, so he stopped shaking the camera.
ADRIC: So, what does this mean?
ROMANA: It means, we're safe...for the time being.
DOCTOR: It also means we're without BBC coverage, K-9?
K-9: Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Can you control the camera remotely for us?
K-9: Yes, Doctor.
[The room begins to shake again.]
DOCTOR: Good Dog, K-9.
ROMANA: [Pretends to make some adjustments to the console.] There,
I've stopped the tumble.
[The room stops shaking.]
DOCTOR: Good, now what caused that?
ROMANA: Viewscreen on.
[All turn to look at the screen. It shows Zarkov's ship and Ming's two (2)
ships chasing it.]
LEELA: That's what caused all the trouble?
DOCTOR: It appears that way, Leela. Romana, where are they going?
ROMANA: Computing. (to herself) What's the integral of (4x-3) raised
to the -1 dx.
ADRIC: (overhearing) one-fourth the natural log of the absolute value
of 4x-3.
ROMANA: Right. Here's where they're headed.
[The viewscreen changes, showing a familiar, blue-green planet.]
DOCTOR: Well, then, set course for Nexus Point Earth.
[Scene 7. Exterior Shot. The Enterprise (1701-A) is in orbit around a
familiar, Class M planet. We begin with a voice-over.]
KIRK: Captain's Log. Stardate 314159.7. Upon returning from the
center of the galaxy, we discovered that, for reasons
unknown, the Federation had been wiped from existence.
Spock surmised that 'God' may have done something to
prevent it from ever existing. Scanning Enterprise history
records, Spock found, what he believes is the key moment
in time that must have been altered. We are now going to
attempt time warp back to old Earth date, 1965...
[Scene change. Interior Shot. The Enterprise bridge. Spock is at the science
station; Uhura, communications; Sulu, helm; Chekov, navigation; Rand,
environmental engineering; Kirk has the conn; McCoy as usual, is leaning
against the railing.]
KIRK: Kirk out. [Closes log and hands it to a passing ensign.]
Spock, are your calculations,...finished?
SPOCK: Routing to engineering and navigation, now, Captain.
KIRK: (Opening a channel) Scotty, how soon can you be ready?
SCOTTY: (over intercom) I dinna ken, Captain. Perhaps 2 hours....
KIRK: (wincing in concentration) 2 hours divided by four, 2 hours
divided by four...
SPOCK: One half-hour, Captain.
KIRK: You have a half-hour, Mr Scott!
SCOTTY: (over intercom) Aye, Captain. Alright, ye lazy bums, get
moving! Run that drill over there...
KIRK: (cutting off intercom) Uhura, give me an intraship channel.
UHURA: You're on Public Access Channel 7, Captain.
KIRK: Attention Enterprise Crew-rew-rew, (echo effect :)
Captain Kirk speaking-king-ing. We have emerged
from the field at the center of the galaxy-axy-xy, to
find that the Federation has been wiped-iped-ped from
existence-ence-nce. We are [Throughout this monologue,
scenes from all over the ship should be played. Examples:
2 crewmen chasing each other down the corridor, a karate
exposition, 2 crew persons necking, a pillow fight, i.e.
No one should be paying any attention to Kirk] about to
attempt Time Warp-warp-arp. Be advised-ised-sed, at this
time-ime-ime. I'd like to say-ay-ay, that today-day-ay, I
consider myself-elf-elf, to be the luckiest captain-tain-tain,
on the face of the earth-earth-earth. [Makes a motion to cut
channel.]
UHURA: Channel closed sir.
KIRK: I think the crew enjoys it when I...get down...verbally,
don't you Spock?
SPOCK: (raising one eyebrow) Indubitably, Captain. Indubitably.
[Spock turns to his console. Camera focuses on screen. It turns out that
the ship's computer is a UNIX machine.]
[Scene 8. Interior Shot. Bridge Computer screen. The following appears
on the screen:
spock@bridge> rn
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.sex.vulcan-ears
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.murder.overacting.captains
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: soc.vulcan.death.grip
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork
(Revising soft pointers--be patient.)
Unread news in alt.hypercube 4 articles
Unread news in alt.horta.language 15 articles
Unread news in alt.mind-meld 9 articles
Moving bogus newsgroups to end of your .newsrc.
Delete bogus newsgroups? [ny] y
******** 4 unread articles in alt.hypercube--read now? [ynq] g rec.arts.paperclip-bending
******** 0 unread articles in rec.arts.paperclip-bending--read now? [ynq] n
******** 314,345,965,218 unread articles in rec.arts.startrek--read now? [ynq]y
Article 93587612495 in rec.arts.startrek:
~From: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
~Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek, rec.arts.drwho, rec.arts.tv, alt.movies,
rec.arts.startrek.info, alt.cult-movies
~Subject: Re: What is with this lame parody?
Summary: Move over Parody, here's something even lamer!
Message-ID: <12202022892@cs.indiana.edu>
~Date: 17 Mar 45 13:22:20 GMT
Refrences: <2345 Mar 12.2345661.25621@above.omni>
~Sender: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Answers, Bought And Sold
~Lines: 19
In article <2345Mar12.2345661.25621@above.omni> yahweh@heaven.above.omni (His
Most Gracious God) writes:
>Unarguably, this is the most horrible piece of trash ever written. I
>challenge anyone to find something more poorly written than this.
Challenge accepted:
And I quote,
'Glurbitoodledum/a word nonsensical/
in meaning, yet chock full o'/vowels.
Unlike syzygy/with meaning yet/vowels
none./The depth of/the universe/in a
blink of a frog's nostril./They fluglehorn
dances.'
-Death of an Indigent Cow
by James D Quentin
-Oracle
You owe me a large work of poetry by the great masters.
End of Article 93587612495 (of 314345965218)--what next? [npq] q
******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq] q
spock@bridge> logout
[Scene 9. Interior Shot. A plush, wood-paneled boardroom. A long, black
table takes up a large portion of the room. Nine chairs are placed around
the table. One is obviously occupied, by a man dressed in black, stroking
what appears to be a white cat. It is hard to be certain, for the chair keeps
its back to the camera. The other chairs are empty, but each is labeled with
a small sign at its place. The signs read: KAOS, Cobra, Latvia, Red Lektroids,
Red Headed League, Syndicate, Lex Luthor Inc, Dimension X. The camera should
pan around the table, making sure each sign can be read. Finally, the camera
focuses on a set of double doors, and we hear a buzzing noise. The buzzing
is answered by a raspy voice.]
VOICE: Yes.
SECRETARY: The gentlemen you summoned are here to see you now. They don't
look very happy.
VOICE: Send them in.
[The doors open and in walk the leaders of every major crime organization in
the world. For the syndicate, Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin; for Latvia, Dr.
Victor von Doom, Dr. Emilio Lizardo/John Whorfin of the Red Lektroids;
Hanz Zigfrid, leader of KAOS; Professor Moriarity, the criminal genius;
Cobra Commander; Lex Luthor, of Lex Luthor, Inc.; and Krang, supremde ruler
of Dimension X, and a disembodied brain. They walk in and sit in their
respective seats. None of them are happy to be there.]
VOICE: (still not turning around) I suppose you men are wondering
why I called you here.
KRANG: The thought had crossed me. [Mutters of approval from the
others.]
VOICE: With the exception of myself, you eight represent the
greatest criminal minds in the world.
KINGPIN: (interrupting) Who are you anyway?
VOICE: Who I am, is not important right now. What I can give you is.
DOOM: And what is that?
VOICE: Organization. Cooperation among each other. Each of you is
great at what you do, but in many areas you overlap. I'm
surprised you haven't wiped each other out in competition
already. [The men begin to protest, but a raised hand quickly
quiets them.] Kingin, you're organization is superb, but
how much more could they accomplish with access to weapons
like Dr. Doom's. Doom, your robots are incredibly advanced,
but can only be programmed so well. Krang, your mutant creation
capacity is incredible, but you don't really know what kind
of mutants to make. Mr. Luthor could tell you this, and
Luthor, what could you do with an army of super-powered
mutants at your command? Zigfrid and Cobra Commander, your
terrorist actions are impressive, but could be increased
exponentially if you joined forces and coordinated. Moriarity,
your world wide network of miscreants and hoodlums is a force
to reckon with, but lacks direction. I think Dr. Lizardo could
provide them with that, Eh, Emilio?
LIZARDO: We could crush those Blue Blazer Irregulars like the bugs
that they are!
VOICE: Gentlemen, I think we can see that each of you has something
to offer the others, those that I mentioned are only the
tip of the iceberg. I propose we form a World Crime League,
to coordinate our actions, and bring the world under our power.
Now, shall we get to business?
[Scene 10. Interior Shot. A lounge or study of some kind. The floor is
done in red, plush carpeting. Downstage right is a small table with an
old-style, black telephone on it. Midstage left is a canopy style bed
with the curtains drawn, although someone is clearly lying in it. The
walls are covered mostly with books and paintings. Upstage center is a
door which bursts open. In walks a person dressed in a 'Phantom of the
Opera' costume. He whips off the mask and is revealed to be Lieutenant
Commander Data.]
DATA: My friend, [rushes to the bed] I came as soon as I heard.
VOICE: (from Bed) It is...rejection...My public has rejected me.
My wound...is of the...soul. I die, and so, I flail.
[It becomes obvious that the person lying on the bed is flailing.]
DATA: I would give anything to save you, my friend. My money,
my fame, my very life!
VOICE: Your part in 'Phantom of the Opera'?
DATA: Yes.
[The figure in the bed whips off the covers and bounds out of bed. It's Jon
Lovitz, as Master Thespian!]
MASTER
THESPIAN: I feel better.
DATA: But, you were dying?
MT: Acting! [Throws arm up in a trademark way]
DATA: You fooled me.
MT: Thank you. [Bows.]
DATA: [Confused for a moment, then suddenly inspired.] Ring, ring.
[Crosses to the phone and answers it.] Hello. [waits.]
It's for you.
MT: Thank you. [Crosses to the phone and takes it, Data steps
back.] Hello.
DATA: Hello.
MT: Who is this?
DATA: The studio.
MT: What do you want?
DATA: 'Phantom of the Opera' has been cancelled.
MT: Oh no, [Begins to swoon] Say it isn't so, Joe.
DATA: [Steps forward] It is not
MT: But...
DATA: It was me.
MT: You fooled me...
DATA: Acting! [Sweeps arm up]
MT: Wonderful!
DATA: Thank you. [Bows.]
PICARD: Computer, stop program. [Walks into the scene] Data, what
was that?
DATA: I discovered a new role model for my acting attempts in the
computer files. His name is Jon Lovitz, also known as Master
Thespian. Is he not an appropriate role model?
PICARD: No, Data, not really.
[The ship suddenly shakes horrendously. Suddenly, Picard and Data are
wearing different outfits. While obviously not costumes, they aren't
uniforms either. Data is in a white, utility, body suit, while Picard
wears a pair of black pants, a grey trenchcoat, and a hat.]
PICARD: What was that?
DATA: I do not know, sir.
PICARD: To the bridge.
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Our Story So Far:
The Star Wars Empire has decided to expand their power base by attacking a
little known Galaxy, far far away, believing that this will be easy due to
some disinformation they received from a Godzilla movie. Meanwhile, Dr. Hans
Zarkov, Flash Gordon, and Dale Arden have managed to escape from Ming's
alternate dimension while being pursued by two of Ming's fighter ships. On
their way out, both Zarkov's rocket and Ming's Fighters throw the TARDIS,
containg Dr Who, Romana, Leela, Adric and K-9 into a terrible spin into a
grey hole which they only barely manage to escape due to the fortuitous
happenstance of lunch time. Captain Kirk and crew have emerged from the
fronteir at the center of the galaxy to discover that God has tampered with
history so that the Federation has never existed. They plan to time warp
into the 20th century to prevent whatever altering has occurred. Finally, a
mysterious man has brought together eight of the greatest criminal minds on
Earth (Krang, Prof Moriarity, Lord Whorfin, Doctor Doom, the Kingpin, Lex
Luthor, Agent Zigfried, and Cobra Commander) into a World Crime League.
Finally, Picard and Data are practicing acting lessons in the holodeck
when suddenly the universe changes around them, accompanied by a tremendous
shaking of the Enterprise-D.
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/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // / / /
/____//____//_/ /_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 11. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. A bedraggled fleet of spacships that has
all the appearance of having been thrown together at the last minute, slowly
creeps along. Stenciled to the sides of the ships are words with very greek
sounding origins, e.g. Pegasus, Andromeda, etc. One is obviously a warship of
some kind, named Galactica, but the others appear to be nothing more than
freighters or personnel carriers. Suddenly, as the camera moves around, a
squadron of Cylon fighters appears. Immeadiately, the Galactica disperses a
large amount of Viper fighters. A tremendous dog fight occurs, which looks
spectacular until you realise that there's nothing really great about doing
a loop-the-loop, or flying upside down when for all intents and purposes there
is no down BECAUSE THERE IS NO GRAVITY IN SPACE! [Author's note to director:
Various snippets of dialogue should be inserted here, the kind of things that
one would say in a dog fight in space 'Starbuck, one's on your tail!','take
that Cylon.', and 'My rear ion thruster is malfunctioning, I'm pulling out!'
are good examples.] Finally, there is only one Cylon ship left, and just as
a Viper is moving in for the kill, a large, white ship appears with the sound
of a hundred million people all saying 'Whop' at the same time. It appears in
the same space that the Cylon ship was in.]
[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the Cylon-Alien ship. Several white
robots emerge from the white ship into the interior of the Cylon fighter.
Wielding weapons that look like nothing more than cricket bats they knock out
both cylons and take one of them aboard their ship. The second cylon wakes up
just as the ship is disappearing.]
[Quick scene change, back to the original scene. The large, white ship
disappears with the sound of a hundred million people all saying 'foom' at the
same time. The Cylon ship, now missing one pilot, veers out of control, enters
a spin, and spirals into a crash landing onto a nearby, conveniently-placed
moon.]
[Scene 12. Exterior Shot. The Kentucky backwoods. A dilapidated, old, wooden
shack sits in the woods near a river. There is a wide porch on the front of the
shack with two, rickety wooden chairs on it. Two country bumpkins (the obvious
result of generations of in-breeding) sit in the chairs with banjos, playing a
version of 'Dueling Banjos.' They continue to play. Suddenly, the sky flashes
purple and a red dot streaks across the sky. The younger 'boy from Deliverance'
smiles a toothless grin and keeps picking.]
[The scene changes to another spot in the Kentucky woods. A few of the trees
around are on fire. The wreckage of what looks like a homemade rocketship is
evident. A long piece of rope extends from the top of the ship, onto the
ground and off into the woods. It is slightly charred. A piece of the wreckage
begins to move, and out steps Flash Gordon]
FLASH: Dale! Zarkov! Where are you?
PILE OF
WRECKAGE: Ungh!
[Flash rushes to the pile and pulls out Dr. Zarkov, while he is helping the
old scientist to his feet, Dale stands up from under another pile of wreckage.
She brushes herself off and sees Flash.]
DALE: Flash!
FLASH: [Turning to see Dale, he drops Dr. Zarkov and rushes toward
her.] Dale!
[While they are embraced, Dr. Zarkov stands up and begins to look around. He
samples the dirt, tasting it with his tongue, and then looks up. When he does
a realisation comes to him, and he begins to get very excited.]
ZARKOV: Flash! Dale! Look at the sky!
FLASH: [Refusing to let go his lip lock on Dale, mumbling] What about
it?
ZARKOV: It's blue! We're home! This is Earth!
FLASH: (obviously very excited) (Actor's Discretion about what to say
here, just be very excited, whatever you say)
[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov dance around the woods whooping and yelling.]
[Scene 13. Interior Shot. Command 'War' Room of the Battlestar Galactica.
Commander Adama as well as other various command personnel are clustered
around. From a side door, Starbuck bounds into the room.]
STARBUCK: What was that?
ADAMA: We were just wondering that very thing ourselves.
[A rush of wind interrupts them, various people and equipment are blown out
of the center of the room. Then a ship which looks like nothing more than an
upside down Italian Bistro, appears in the space that has been cleared. From
out of this ship comes an old man wearing flowing robes and a long beard.]
OLD MAN: Have they been here yet?
ADAMA: Who...
OLD MAN: The Krikkitean war battalion of course.
ADAMA: No, I mean who are you?
OLD MAN: Slartibartfast, now answer the question.
ADAMA: Slarti-,oh never mind. What are the Krikki
SLARTIBARTFAST:The Krikkitean war battalion. Big, white ship. White robots
carrying cricket bats.
ADAMA: Oh yes, you know them?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Let's just say I know of them. They've gone already then, well,
I guess it's off to Earth then.
ADAMA: Earth! Did you say you were going to Earth?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Yes, yes, I'll be off now.
ADAMA: Take us with you, we're headed for Earth too.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, ok, but you won't all fit in my ship. Take me to you're
engine room and I'll see what I can do with this bucket of
bolts.
ADAMA: Starbuck.
STARBUCK: Right, come on old man.
[Scene 14. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise (1701-A). Kirk,
Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, and McCoy are at their regular stations.]
UHURA: Commander Scott reports engineering is ready for time warp.
[Kirk checks his watch, which the camera notices is a Mickey Mouse watch.]
KIRK: A half hour to the second. Mr. Sulu, are you ready?
SULU: Yes captain.
KIRK: Engage.
[The engines get louder and louder as the ship warps toward the sun. The
people on the bridge begin to shake in their chairs.]
KIRK: Spock, engage turbolift door locks, we don't want Uhura falling
through like she did last week.
SPOCK: [Moving a dial on his console.] Engaged Captain.
SULU: Approaching Warp 6...Warp 7...Warp 8...
CHEKOV: External sensors register net temperature increase of 1000
degrees.
SULU: Warp 9...Warp 10...Warp 11...
KIRK: Apply braking thrusters.
SULU: Thrusters...engaged.
[Not that the warning was necessary. As Sulu's last syllable fades out, the
ship lurches forward. McCoy is thrown head first over the railing, Kirk is
forced out of his chair. Rand and Spock are thrown back into theirs. Oddl
enough, Uhura is in fact thrown against the turbolift doors. Sulu and Cheko
are saved from serious harm by airbags which pop out of the consoles in front
of them. On the viewscreen weird effects of light are happening and different
shapes appear. Suddenly, Rod Serling appears on the screen.]
ROD: You are about to enter a new dimension. A dimension beyond
sight and sound. Beyond science and reason. It is the border
ground between that which is real, and that which is stupid.
The yin for reality's yang. You are about to come face to
face with the silliest part of yourselves. You have entered,
The Parody Zone.
[During the preceding lines, the traditional run-in of the Twilight Zone is
shown on the screen. At the conclusion the screen goes staticy. As the
static fades out, the bridge is seen. It is darkened. Sulu, Chekov, Spock,
and Rand are slumped over in their chairs. Uhura is lying in a heap against
the turbolift doors. Kirk and McCoy are lying on the floor. Despite the fact
that Spock is physically and genetically stronger than Kirk, Kirk is the first
to wake up.]
KIRK: (Returning to the conn) Status...Mr. Sulu
SULU: (Waking up) Braking thrusters have fired.
[Slowly, the rest of the bridge crew wakes up. Kirk looks down his nose at
McCoy who is still laying on the floor.]
KIRK: Physician, heal thyself.
McCOY: [Leans up on one elbow.] What about my acting performance?
KIRK: I'm not a drama critic. Spock what is our position?
SPOCK: [Looking into scanner] Precisely 1.259683 miles above White
Sands, New Mexico. The local date is Jan 14, 1965.
KIRK: How can you be so sure? Did you estimate from the smog
coverage of the globe?
SPOCK: No, I had Lieutenant Kyle beam up this newspaper.
KIRK: Ah, simple logic. Uhura, damage report.
UHURA: All stations report minimal damage, sickbay reports minor bumps
and bruises and request that Doctor McCoy keep his nosy behind
out of there. Commander Scott requests to speak with you.
KIRK: On channel, Go ahead Scotty.
SCOTTY: We have a wee bit of a problem, Captain.
KIRK: What is that, Mr. Scott.
SCOTTY: Ummmm...hold on a minute...(muffled) where's the damn excuse
manual?...Well, I dinna expect 'im to ask either...ah here i
is. (Sound of ruffling pages) Ummmm....the positronic flow
valves have jammed, we kinna fix 'em here, and without them,
we kinna reach warp speed.
KIRK: Damn.
SPOCK: This shouldn't really present a problem. Assuming we can still
approach light speed.
KIRK: Scotty?
SCOTTY: Aye, sub-light isna a problem. We can reach Warp .99 with no
tribble at all.
KIRK: (wincing) Don't say that word! If I never see another of those
furballs again, it'll be too soon.
SPOCK: In any case, we can effectively travel forward in time. By
appraoching the speed of light, the laws of relativity will
allow us to rocket forward 400 years in just days.
KIRK: Well, with that solved. Mr. Sulu, standard orbit if you please.
[Scene 15. Exterior Shot. New York City, outside the UN building. A whirring
sound is heard and about 8 seconds later, a blue, London Police box appears
in the foreground. The door to the box opens and the Doctor, Romana, Leela,
and Adric walk out. The Doctor is wearing his customary jacket and long
scarf. Romana is dressed in a contemporary outfit for the location. Leela,
as usual, is wearing almost nothing, and Adric is wearing the Mideival Serf
type thing that he always does. As they walk towards the building, K-9 rolls
out of the TARDIS]
DOCTOR: K-9.
K-9: Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Stay with the TARDIS, we don't want to attract any attention.
K-9: (after an almost impreceptible electronic sigh) Yes, Doctor.
[The Doctor and his three companions bound up the steps to the UN, followed
by about fifteen teenage boys, panting and drooling after Leela. She turns
around, sees them, throws a knife at the feet of the boy in front, and they
scatter. She picks up her knife and follows the doctor into the UN.]
[Scene Change. Interior shot. The Main Lobby of the UN. To the right is a desk
with a sign reading 'Information.' Behind the desk is a young woman in a blue
blazer with the UN logo on the front pocket. The Doctor walks up with his
companions in tow. The woman looks at them incredulously.]
DOCTOR: Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart's office, please.
UN GIRL: What?
ROMANA: We're looking for the office of the head of the UN Task
Force on Extraterrestrials, a Brigadier General Lethbridge-
Stewart.
DOCTOR: I believe I said that.
UN GIRL: Look, sir, ma'am, the UN is a busy place. We can't have
any wacko who walks off the street disturb the diplomats.
LEELA: [Has been sneaking around the desk behind the girl. She
grabs the UN girl by the hair, and holds a knife to her
throat.] Shall I kill her now, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Leela, put the knife away. [Relunctantly, she does.]
UN GIRL: That's it, I'm calling security.
DOCTOR: (getting indignant) Is that absolutely necessarry?
[Two UN Security guards appear who, oddly enough, are wearing red shirts.
(Author's Note: Experienced parody readers will immediately recognize the
preceding sentence as foreshadowing, thus qualifying this piece of work as
quality literature. Remember, foreshadowing, your key to fine literature.)
They (the security guards) quickly gather up the Doctor and his companions
and bustle them out the door to a chorus of "hey"'s, "watch it buddy"'s, and
a couple of "Would you care for a jellybaby"'s.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building, again. We see, the
Doctor, Leela, Adric, and Romana (in that order) go flying through the
air. They land in a crumpled heap by the TARDIS. The red-shirted guards
say "Resistance is Useless" which makes them feel very pleased with themselves,
they turn to walk into the building when all of a sudden, from out of nowhere,
a bolt of lightning streaks down and kills the both of them. The four
Companions disentangle themselves.]
DOCTOR: (brushing himself off) Well, then, Plan B.
ADRIC: What's Plan B?
ROMANA: (spotting a telephone) Give me a quarter. [She holds out
her hand.]
DOCTOR: We give Romana a quarter...[He hands one to her and she walks
toward the phone.]
ADRIC: And then what?
DOCTOR: Well, we wait.
ADRIC: (obviously confused) Oh.
[Scene 16. Interior Shot. The studio where Late Night with David Letterman is
recorded. It is the middle of the show, just as Super Dave Osbourne has left.
(You just missed him, doesn't that make you happy?)]
DAVE: Hee, hee, hee, that Super Dave is great isn't he Paul?
PAUL: Yeah, Dave.
DAVE: Well, kids, next on our show...
[The ringing of the phone interrupts him.]
DAVE: Paul, who could that be?
PAUL: I don't know. Is it you, Anton?
[Anton shakes his head and holds up his phone which is firmly on the receiver
as proof.]
DAVE: Morty, did you schedule this call?
CROWD: Weasel, Weasel, weasel, weasel....
[Morty shakes his head no.]
DAVE: Listen to that crowd. Well, I guess I'll answer the phone,
hee, hee. A little answering the phone music, Paul?
PAUL: [Moves to the Piano and plays some high notes] Dave's
answeeeerrrrriiiinnnggg the phoooonnne.
[Dave picks up the phone and sets it on his desk and picks up the receiver.]
DAVE: Hello?
ROMANA: (In voice over, her voice electronically effected by the
cheap phone Dave has) Hello, David. It's Romanadveratrelundar.
I need your help.
DAVE: Romana, babe, how can I help you.
ROMANA: I need to see Brigadier Stewart in the UN.
DAVE: No problem, I'll be right there. [He hangs up.] Who wants to
storm the UN? Paul?
PAUL: Sure, Dave.
DAVE: Morty? [He shakes his head no.]
CROWD: Weasel, weasel, weasel....
DAVE: Hee, hee, Biff? Al Maar? C'mon. Hey, bring Dwight, the
troubled teen along too.
[He gets up from his desk and heads out the door. Paul, Biff Henderson, Al
Maar, and a couple of stage hands and pages follow him.]
DAVE: Paul, bring your keyboard.
[Paul runs back, gets a portable keyboard and the four or five of them run out
of the studio and into a conveniently waiting limousine. The limo travels the
streets of New York until it pulls up in front of the UN.]
DOCTOR: Romana, who is this?
DAVE: Dave, Dave Letterman. [He grabs the Doctor's hand and pumps
his arm.] Now, shall we go.
[He heads up the stairs with his friends and the Companions. They all pause
at the front door.]
DAVE: Paul, a little 'storming the UN' music, please.
[Paul begins to play a funky version of the Mission: Impossible theme, they
go into the building.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. UN Lobby (again) Dave walks up to the information
desk.]
DAVE: Hi, Dave Letterman. I'll just show myself around.
[He takes off down a corridor. The whole crew searches the floors until they
come to the Brigadier's office.]
ROMANA: (stopping) Here it is David.
DAVE: OK, Romana, babe, glad to help. I gotta get back to my show.
ROMANA: Thank you David.
[Dave and his entourage leave the scene and the Mission Impossible theme
fades out with them. Romana knocks on the door.]
[Scene 17. Exterior Shot. The Moulin Rouge in Paris. As we watch, three of
the blue fighter planes that Cobra uses strafe the building, destroying it.
Fires rand and rescue vehicles rush up, screeching to a halt in front of the
building.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The inside of a large bank. All is normal, and
it is quite obvious that we are seeing a tape made by a security camera.
Suddenly, five gangster types wielding laser weapons barge in. While two of
them hold the customers and staff at gun point, two more burn a whole in the
safe door. The five of them run into the safe and run out carrying armfuls of
money sacks.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The California Coastline. From out of the water
come humanoid barracuda mutants. At least twenty of the humanoids are emerging
from the sea. As they come up from the ocean, they immediately attack the
people on the beach. Carnage flies everywhere.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Picadilly Circus, London. A crowd is gathered
around a lone constable, each yelling about the recent crime spree. In the
corner of the screen, a young boy is pickuing a man's pocket.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. A television news studio. In the corner of the
screen is a small window which continues to show acts of violence, crime, and
terrorism. An announcer with wavy hair and a serious tone ov voice sits
behind a desk in the foreground.
ANNOUNCER: No one knows who is responsible for these random and
seemingly meaningless acts of violence, crime, and
terrorism. Police and intelligence officials world wide
have stated that the crimes don't fit the pattern of any
known criminal or terrorist group. However, earlier today,
this station received a video tape from an anonymous source.
On this tape a group calling themselves the World Crime League
claims responsibility. Here is that tape.
[In the insert window, the same office as in scene 8 appears. The camera is
focused on the chair at the head of the table. The chair still has it's back
turned and the man in the chair is still petting a cat.]
[The insert window zooms forward to fill the entire screen.]
VOICE: I come into your homes today to tell you of a new World
Order. The World Crime League, through its control of
every criminal, thug, terrorist, villain, and evil mastermind
on the planet, can control every aspect of your life. You
have been warned.
[The screen goes blank.]
[Scene 18. Interior Shot. Banzai Institute's general laboratory. Buckaroo
Banzai, New Jersey Jones, Perfect Tommy, Dr. Hikita, Reno and the rest of
the Hong Kong Cavaliers are clustered around a large screen television having
just complete watching the above newscast. Buckaroo steps back in thought.]
TOMMY: This is some serious...
[Suddenly, Buckaroo snaps into a frenzy of energy. As he gives orders, the
Cavaliers rush to fill them.]
BUCKAROO: Tommy, see if we have a Blue Blazer Irregular working at that
station. Tell him, we're going to need the original tape,
have him make copies for any intelligence agencies, but make
sure WE get the original.
TOMMY: Right. [He heads off.]
BUCKAROO: And Tommy, no strike teams.
TOMMY: Right.
BUCKAROO: Hikita-san, we're going to need your tape analyzing equipment.
Reno, cross-reference that voice pattern with our computer
files, I want to know who it is we're dealing with. New Jersey
come with me. We're heading for that station right now.
[Heading out the door, he starts talking into a radio.] Get
World Watch One ready.
[Everyone scatters to get to work.]
[Scene 19. Interior Shot. Bridge of the starship, Enterprise (NCC-1701-D).
William Riker, dressed as a 17th century pirate, occupies the Captain's
chair. Tasha Yar, in a karate gi is at security/communications, Wesley
Crusher, looking somewhat nerdish in a white lab coat, blue high-tops, and
jeans is at navigation, while Worf at ops wears something remarkably similar
to battle armor. The turbolift doors, located upstage right, opens and Picard
and Data (dressed as they were before) enter, just as the ship shakes again.
Recovering their balance, Data takes over for Worf at Ops, who moves to
Science 1, while Picard walks to center stage.]
PICARD: Riker, report.
RIKER: We seem to be encountering a kind of turbulence.
PICARD: Turbulence! In Space! Don't be ridiculous.
WESLEY: Actually, Captain, they're ripples in the space/time
continuum. The ship is being jumped around into different
times, microseconds apart really, causing it to shake
unceasingly. It's not unlike my current science proj...
PICARD: (interrupting) Shut up, Wesley!
DATA: I've traced the source of the turbulence, sir. It comes from
a planet in the Chi'Kago star system, approximately 106 light
years ahead.
RIKER: (raising one eyebrow) Approximately, Data?
DATA: The eddies in the space/time continuum make exact readings
impossible.
[Suddenly, a Victorian era couch appears out of nowhere, onto the bridge. Two
men are sitting on the couch, haning on for dear life. One is wearing a bath
robe and the other is carrying a battered satchel. Before anything can be
done, the couch disappears.]
[Riker and Picard exchange glances. The turbolift doors burst open and Guinan
walks onto the bridge.]
GUINAN: Picard, may I speak with you ... alone.
PICARD: Of course, In my ready room. Riker, you have the conn.
[Picard and Guinan walk towards the Ready Room. Riker strikes a dramatic
pose and in his current state of dress, it works.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Captain Picard's Ready Room. Picard and Guinan
walk in and sit across the desk from each other. Picard kicks back and puts
his feet up on the desk, reaches into a nearby file cabinet and pulls out a
bottle of rye synthehol.]
PICARD: Care for a drink, Guinan?
GUINAN: No thank you, Captain.
[He shrugs, takes a swig, and puts the bottle away.]
PICARD: What did you want to speak to me about?
GUINAN: This is wrong, Captain.
PICARD: Well, why did you ask to come in here then.
GUINAN: No, I mean, your clothes, the crew, all of it, everything
is wrong.
PICARD: Freedom is wrong? Free Enterprise is wrong? Getting
fabulously rich is wrong?
GUINAN: No, I mean, we aren't pirates.
PICARD: Of course we aren't, we're privateers, big difference you
know.
GUINAN: We belong, or we're supposed to belong, to Starfleet. The
military branch of a galaxy wide government known as the
United Federation of Planets.
PICARD: Us? Conscripts of some military machine, like the Romulans.
GUINAN: It's not like that.
PICARD: Thank the gods for that, eh? [The ship shakes.] You'll
pardon me if I don't get worried about thhis, but I have
more pressing matters to attend to.
[He gets up and heads for the bridge. Guinan follows, fuming.]
[Scene Change. Enterprise main bridge. Picard and Guinan walk in from the
ready room. Guinan immediately goes to the turbolift. She looks agitated.]
TASHA: Hello, Guinan.
GUINAN: [Spins around to look at her.] I don't know you. [Turns back
toward the lift and bumps into Geordi coming out. Throws him
aside and leaves.]
GEORDI: What's wrong with her?
[Tasha shrugs. BTW, Geordi is wearing black shoes, black socks, black pants,
white shirt, black jacket, black hat, and a pair of sunglasses.]
PICARD: Data, distance to Chi'Kago system, again?
DATA: Approximately 106 light years, sir.
PICARD: Lay in a course for the source of the distrubance, Warp Factor
7.
WESLEY: Course laid in. [Said, after pressing several buttons.]
PICARD: Mr. LaForge, Engineering Report.
GEORDI: [Checking Science 4 (Now Engineering 1)] It's 106 light years
to Chi'Kago, we've got a full bank of dilithium, [thumbs a
cigarette from his pocket] half a pack of syntherettes, It's
dark in space, and I'm wearing sunglasses.
PICARD: [Turns toward the viewscreen and points.] Hit it.
{Author's note, yes that was a cheap joke, but I liked it and that's what
parody's are about anyway.}
[Scene 20. Interior Shot. A rather cramped, metal hallway. Walking along
the corridor is a bronze colored protocol droid. Rolling along beside him
is a small, trash-can shaped droid.]
C3-PO: I don't know what Master Luke wanted, R2. He just said to
meet him in the briefing center.
R2-D2: Bleep, bleep, whirr, bleep, whistle, beep.
C3-PO: No, I don't think he's going to lift you in the air again.
Ah, here we are.
[A steel door opens up and the two droids move into a large room. The room
is mostly filled with rows of chairs which face a wall at the front of the
room. Each row is set on a tier higher than the one in front of it. Two
rows of stairs descend toward the front of the room. C3-PO and R2-D2 have
walked in at the back. At the front of the room, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo,
Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian wait.]
LUKE: 3-PO, R2, thanks for coming. R2, let me help you down. [He
extends a hand toward the droids.]
R2-D2: Bleep, whistle, blink, bloop, whirrrrr, beep!
C3-PO: He says, he'd rather you didn't sir.
LUKE: [shrugs] OK.
[The two droids move forward, when they reach the first step, C3-PO steps
down, but R2-D2 rolls off the edge, falls over, and begins to tumble end
over end, beeping and whirring, while C3-PO chases after him. R2-D2 lands
in a crumpled heap at the bottom.]
R2-D2: Beep, beep, whistle, beep, whirrrrrrr! Bloop!
C3-PO: He says, 'I meant to do that.'
HAN: Right. [Turning to the others, while Chewbacca puts R2-D2
right side up.] What are we here for, anyway.
LEIA: Let me show you. [She operates a hand-held control and the
large viewscreen shows the Empire's fleet gathering at the
Galactic Rim.]
LANDO: [Let's out a low whistle] That's some fleet.
LEIA: We believe that the Emperor is planning to attack another
galaxy, far, far away.
HAN: Good riddance! Get him off our backs!
LEIA: Solo! A new war would quickly drain the resources of this
galaxy, as well as strengthen the forces against us.
LUKE: What are we supposed to do.
LEIA: We've been assigned to go ahead and organize the people of
that galaxy to fight the Empire.
[A side door slides open. A man wearing a flight suit and a red helmet
walks in.]
LEIA: What is it, Wedge?
WEDGE: The Millenium Falcon and an X-Wing are ready for your team,
Princess.
LEIA: Thank you, Wedge.
[He turns to walk out. Han pulls out a blaster and shoots Wedge in the
back, killing him.]
LUKE: Han! What'd you do that for?
HAN: That guy's been in every movie and he's always killed within
five minutes.
LUKE: Oh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our Story So Far:
In the midst of a battle with the Cylons the crew of the Battlestar Galactica
are shocked to see (what they are soon to discover is) a Krikkitean Battle
Ship appear inside a Cylon Fighter. The Krikkitean robots steal one of the
Cylons and then disappear, ending the battle. Meanwhile, Zarkov et al have
crashed in the Kentucky Backwoods and begin to pick their way back to
civilization. Slartibartfast appears on the bridge of the Battlestar
Galactica and is convinced to take them to earth with him, but first converts
their primitive engines. The crew of the Enterprise-A commence their time
warp, only to severely damage their warp engines in the process. The Doctor
and Companions are thrown out of the UN, but eventually get in with the help
of David Letterman. The World Crime League begins a wave of terror and
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers began plans to thwart their
evil plots. Guinan attempts to convince Picard that they are not actually
Rogue Space Pirates, but really members of Starfleet. Finally, the leaders
of the REBEL ALLIANCE decide to head to Earth ahead of the EMPIRE to prepare
them to resist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // / / /
/____//____//_/ /_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 21. Interior Shot. A fine, wood-panelled office. A few pictures of
recent presidents hang on the walls. One wall is actually a bookshelf,
holding such titles as 'KAOS: Terrorists or Industrialists?','Who's Who in
Control' and '101 Uses for a Dead CIA Agent.' At the back of the room is
a large, oaken desk with a nice office chair behind it and a small chair in
front of it. One of the walls turns out to be a sliding door. You notice this
when it opens and lets in Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. A white-haired, balding,
portly gentlemen, known only as Chief, rises from behind the desk.]
CHIEF: Max, I have an important assignment for you.
MAX: Right, Chief.
CHIEF: Have a seat, Max, let me brief you.
MAX: Uh, Chief, is this information -- TOP SECRET?
CHIEF: You know the answer to that, Max. Of course it is.
MAX: In that case, I suggest we use the Cone of Silence.
CHIEF: (sighs) Is that really necessary?
MAX: I insist.
CHIEF: Oh, all right.
[Chief touches a button on his desk and the Cone of Silence drops down from
the ceiling. The cone is two, clear, spherical bubbles connected by a clear
cylinder. (Really Cheesy) The balls fit over the heads of Max and Chief. In
this portion of the scene, the camera holds a closeup of whomever is
speaking.]
CHIEF: OK, Max, as you've probably noticed, there has been an
increase of terrorist activities around the world recently.
We've reason to believe that KAOS is involved, but also
that they've gotten some heavy-hitting help.
MAX: What makes us think that, Chief?
CHIEF: A group calling themselves the World Crime League is claiming
responsibility.
MAX: Right.
CHIEF: Your mission is to find out anything you can about this group.
I've assigned 99 and Hymie to assist you.
MAX: Right, Chief.
CHIEF: And what do you know, this thing worked after all. [He pushes
a button on his desk but nothing happens] What the...[he
continues to push the button, getting irritated.]
MAX: Here, let me try, Chief. [He ducks out from underneath the
cone, as does the Chief, Finally they give up. As they are
walking towards the door, the Cone of Silence collapses on
the desk, shattering.] Sorry about that Chief.
[Scene 22. Interior Shot. Pilot Compartment of the Millenium Falcon. In the
Pilot's seat is Han Solo, in the co-pilot's chair is Chewbacca. Behind
Chewie is Princess Leia. Lando walks in from another part of the ship and
sits behind Solo.]
LEIA: Did you get 3-PO fastened down?
LANDO: No problem. [He flashes a Billy Dee Williams Grin (tm)]
HAN: Did you hog tie him like I suggested?
[Another trademark grin from Lando.]
LEIA: You didn't?!? [She begins to get up.]
LANDO: No, I didn't.
LEIA: Oh, good. [She sits again.]
LANDO: I soldered his feet to the floor.
HAN: [Jumping in before Leia can say anything.] Prepare for the
jump to Hyperspeed. Luke, you ready?
LUKE: (over radio) All set, Han.
HAN: OK, everyone belted in? Good, go for jump.
[Han moves a few levers on the control board and the Star Wars Hyperspace
Effect takes place outside the window. As they come out of the hyperspace
jump, Leia is fuming.]
LEIA: I don't believe you! YOu could at least have pateched him
into the radio link.
C3-PO: (over radio) He did, Princess.
LEIA: 3-PO? Are you all right?
C3-PO: Oh yes, it was much more pleasant than the time his men
dismantled me and almost sold me for scrap.
[Everyone laughs.]
HAN: Well, it's a long, long, way to our distination. I'm going
to take a nap. [He gets out of his seat and heads back.]
[Scene 23. Interior Shot. A run-down shack on a rowd (clearly visible
through the window) that winds through the forest. It is clear that the
shcak wants to be a country store, but the inch-thick layer of dust on
everything gives credence to the rumor that no one has been in here for
quite some time.]
[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov walk in the door. Despite the fact that they
have just led an attack on one of the most ruthless opponents in the
universe, Ming the Merciless; made not one, but two, bold crosses of the
dimensional barrier by travelling through a black hole; been brutally beaten
and tortured by said ruthless opponent, Ming; side-swiped a time machine of
alien origin; and crash landed a rocket ship made out of old washing machine
parts in a forest in Kentucky; not to mention that they did all of this in
a day and a half. Despite all of that their hair is still freshly combed
and blow-dried, their faces washed, and their clothes newly-pressed. It
makes you wonder if they had hats, would they come off. Anyway, the three
of them walk in the door and over to the counter, where an old, dirt poor man
sits. Zarkov is about to speak when a screech is heard outside. A red
convertible sports car is framed in the door. A young, yuppie type dressed
in a business suit runs in. He rushes up to the counter.]
YUPPIE: Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
[The man grunts and points towards aisle 3. The yuppie runs off in search
of a fine mustard. Zarkov moves toward the counter.]
ZARKOV: Excuse me, which way is it to the nearest town?
[The old man points behind him.]
DALE: How far is it?
[The man mumbles something under his breath and holds up three fingers.]
FLASH: (quietly to Dale) Talkative isn't he.
DALE: (aside to Flash) shhh! (to old man) Is that miles?
[The old man grunts for acknowledgement but nods yes. At this point the
yuppie runs up with a case of gourmet mustard, drops a wad of bills on the
counter and rushes off. The old man rings up the sale.]
ZARKOV: Thanks very much for your help.
[Dale, Flash & Zarkov leave the run-down shop.]
[Scene change. Exterior Shot. A dirt road winding through a forest in
Kentucky. This entire portion of the film is seen with trees interposing
themselves, as though through the eyes of some animal following Zarkov,
Flash, and Dale, who exit the shop and walk down the road.]
FLASH: We'd better stick together. You never know what we could
find out here.
ZARKOV: Yes. There could be lions or tigers or bears.
DALE: Oh my!
[They continue to walk along the road. It darkens melodramatically and
they get more and more frightened.]
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
[This continues until the camera, acting as 'creature' rushes up to them.
Dale's scream is the last thing we hear as the screen goes black.]
[Scene 24. Exterior Shot. Enterprise 1701-D coming into orbit around a drab
olive planet.]
PICARD's
VOICE: Captain's Log. Stardate, ummm...damn, Data, what season is
this anyway?
DATA's VOICE: Season 7 sir.
PICARD's
VOICE: Good. Stardate 741268.9738, Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording.
It has been several days since we first encountered the
space/time turbulence. We are now in orbit over the planet
that is the source of these disturbances and are preparing
to send an away team down to investigate the phenomenon.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Picard is standing,
looking at the planet on the viewscreen.]
PICARD: Riker! Assemble an away team. I want to know as much as
possible about the source of this disturbance.
RIKER: Right! LaForge, Worf, Data, come with me.
[They head for the turbolift.]
TROI: Oh! The pain!
PICARD: What is it Counselor? Do you sense some overwhelming emotion
from a nearby intelligent, but previously unknown entity.
TROI: No, I have a tremendous headache this big and it's got
'Excedrin' written all over it.
[Picard looks at Riker, who rolls his eyes meaningfully.]
PICARD: Carry on, Number One.
RIKER: Aye aye, sir.
[Scene Change. Transporter Room Three. Transporter Chief O'Brien is standing
behind the console wearing a traditional Scottish outfit of the 20th Century,
complete with kilt. Worf, Data, Riker, and LaForge walk in.]
DATA: Commander, due to the strength of the temporal disturbance we
are likely to encounter, it may be advisable to prepare for
harsh climactic conditions.
RIKERL Good idea. [He goes over to a row of lockers on the far wall.
Each of them has a label, e.g. 'Full Body Environmental Suit',
'High Gravity Servo-Supports','Noxious Fume Protection Head
Gear/Breathing Apparatus'. He opens a locker labelled
'Flashlights' and gets one out for each member of the party.]
There we go. [Everyone gets on the platform.] Energize!
[O'Brien moves his hand over the controls and the away team disappears into
a glittering transporter effect.]
[Scene 25. Exterior Shot. A barren, wind-swept desert. Off in the distance,
multi-colored mountains can be seen. The dazzling, transporter effect begins
in the foreground. The shapes of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov
appear (Ha, ha, fooled you :-). As they take final form, Spock begins
scanning with his Tri-Corder.]
SPOCK: Scanning indicates that this is indeed White Sands, New
Mexico. The test site is just over that dune.\
KIRK: Very well, let's go. [Kirk's communicator beeps. He takes
it off his belt and flips it open. Kirk here.
UHURA: (over communicator) Captain, sensors picking up a Romulan
Warbird approaching from behind the sun.
KIRK: Uhura, this is twentieth century Earth! That's impossible!
SULU: (over communicator) It's true Captain, it came around going
extremely fast and is now decelerating hard.
SPOCK: If that's true, it may be that it followed us through the time
warp.
KIRK: Hmmmmm. Keep an eye on them, Sulu, Kirk out. [He closes
the communicator.] Gentlemen, shall we go?
[They walk off towards the dune.]
[Scene 26. Exterior Shot. Base of the Network 23 building. The dark,
ominous, black feel of the old Max Headroom Television series is maintained.
Large amounts of footage are spent on this scene. A row of nearly identical
black sedans are parked along the road. Suddenly, World Watch One swings
around the corner. Before it comes to a complete stop, Buckaroo is leaping
out and running towards the building. New Jersey Jones is a mere three steps
behind him. They run into the building.]
[Scene change. Interior Shot. Lobby of Network 23 building. Everything
is done in shades of black marble. In the background, a group of men in
trenchcoats and sunglasses are yelling incoherently at a video monitor which
holds the image of Max Headroom.]
MAX: G-G-G-Gentlemen, please, control yourselves.
[Buckaroo and Jones ignore them and head for the stairs.]
[Scene Change. Bryce Lynch's Lab. Various computers, video equipment,
robots, Mattel Toys, wires, cables, cameras, and other high-tech electronic
equipment are scattered about the room. In one corner, a wire birdcage
holds a mechanical, gold-plated owl. (It is the mechanical Boo-bo, built
by Hephaestus and given to Perseus by Athena in "Clash of the Titans").
Bryce is sitting in front of his computer, his feet up, drinking a lime soda
and playing wiht an Etch-A-Sketch. Buckaroo and New Jersey Jones burst in
the door.]
BUCKAROO: Bryce! Have you still got the tape?
BRYCE: No problem. Some of those secret agent types showed up, but
I sent Max to stall them.
JONES: Yeah, we saw them.
BUCKAROO: Bryce! Where's the tape?!
BRYCE: Right here, but I have to show you this...It's a nonvert,
you don't have to see it or hear it, you just get this
urge to buy the prod...
BUCKAROO: Sorry Bryce, no time. [He grabs the tape] C'mon Jones.
[They bolt out of the room.]
[Max Headroom appears on a nearby display.]
MAX: H-h-how much longer-ger-ger do I have to stall these
g-g-g-g-goons?
BRYCE: Go ahead and give them the tapes... Wait a minute!
[He breaks into a smile.] Put the prune juice nonverts
on the tapes you give them.
MAX: R-r-right.
[Scene 27. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. It looks
much the same as it did before with a few major exceptions. The primary
exception is that the center of the command balcony is made to look like
an Italian Bistro. A round table is set up with four place settings laid
out. Commander Adama, Starbuck, Apollo, and Slartibartfast are sitting
around the table. In the center is a basket of rolls, a salt shaker, a
pepper mill, and a small condiment rack holding parmesan cheese, hot peppers,
and catsup. An ice bucket with a bottle of red wine is between Slartibartfast
and Apollo.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, that's everything, except...
ADAMA: What's that sir?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Hmmm. Ideally, there should be a dog underneath the table,
begging for scraps. I wouldn't suppose you have anything
passing for a dog on this bucket of tin?
APOLLO: Well, there's Moff...
[It is evident that Apollo stopped because Starbuck kicked him in the shin
under the table.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:What was that? Speak up! [The other three exchange looks.]
You want to get to Earth don't you.
ADAMA: There is a robotic Moffett.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, brinh him in here.
[The screen goes black and the words 'A short time later' apear on the
screen. Then the picture fades to the same scene as before except that
Slartibartfast is out of his chair and talking to Toby? (That little
brat on BG)]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Ok, now when I toss some salt over my left shoulder, you
send him under the table.
TOBY: Right.
[Slartibartfast goes to the chair and sits down.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:I hope you gentlemen are hungry. [He pours a round of wine
for everyone.] Friends, a toast. [He raises his glass, as
do the others.] To Earth!
OTHERS: To Earth! [They all clink glasses and the sound of the
engines roaring to life is heard.]
{Author's Note: GFO=Generic Female Officer, GMO=Generic Male Officer}
GFO: Commander, we've already reached our normal cruising speed!
SLARTIBARTFAST:Help yourselves to rolls sirs.
[A mad dash for rolls ensues, during which SLARTIBARTFAST spills some salt,
which he tosses over his left shoulder. Toby releases Moffett who runs
under the table and scampers in a circle.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Starbuck, isn't it? Knock over that glass of wine. [Starbuck
does so.] Now, Commander, quickly, soak it up with your
napkin. [Adama complies.]
GMO: General, cosmic dust is striking the outer hull with
great intensity.
GENERAL: Lower the blast sheild.
[GMO moves some levers and the metal shield is lowered.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Apollo, feed Moffett under the table. [As Apollo does this,
SLARTIBARTFAST downs his drink and pours another one.]
Enjoy your shrimp scampi, gentlemen.
[Suddenly, a calypso drum beat hovers in the air and...]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Daaaaaay-o. Daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go
home.
GFO: Commander, something's wrong! We're spiraling way off
course.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Day, me say day, me say day, me say daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight
come and me wanna go home.
GMO: There's something on the long range scan! It's mass indicates
a Cylon Basestar!
[From here on, Slartibartfast, Adama, Starbuck, and Apollo reenact the
dinner calypso scene from Beetlejuice, which alternates with scenes of the
entire fleet hurtling haphazardly through space and dragging the Cylon
Basestar with them. As the song ends, the fleet is moving at great speed.
Extreme close-up of Slartibartfast.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Oh dear.
[Scene 28. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Worf, Data,
LaForge, and Riker are standing near the Guardian. Data is sweeping the
area with his Tri-Corder, while LaForge and Riker examine the Guardian.]
RIKER: Geordi, what do you see.
LaFORGE: Nothing, Commander, I'm blind remember.
[Riker takes off Geordi's hat and hits him with it.]
RIKER: With the SHADES (tm), you idiot.
{Author's Note: SHADES = Sensitive Hilighting, Array-Deployed, Enhancement
Sensors. Thank you.}
LaFORGE: Oh, well it appears to be made of a previously unknown
substance.
DATA: Commander LaForge, perhaps connecting with the Enterprise
computers would help.
LaFORGE: Good idea. [He taps his communicator.] Computer, connect
with my SHADES(tm) for data analysis.
[A few bleeps and whirrs.]
COMPUTER: Connection completed.
[Riker leans a hand against the Guardian which begins to glow in flashes and
talk.]
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. What was, can be again. Many
journeys are possible.
[Riker jumps.]
RIKER: What was that?!
DATA: I believe that it was the structure that we have been studying.
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Here is the history of one of
your home worlds.
[The Guardian's center clouds over and then begins to display the history of
Earth. Data sets his Tri-Corder on rapid scan and aims it at the Guardian.
Riker notices his action.]
RIKER: Data, what are you doing?
DATA: I am using the tricorder to record the Earth's history.
I saw Spock do it in an episode of the old series title,
"City on the Edge of Forever."
RIKER: Hmmmm. As I recall, any minute now, a temporarily insane
member of the crew is supposed to jump into the scene and
enter the Guardian.
[Suddenly, Guinan jumps from behind a rock, rushes at the Guardian and
jumps through.]
GUINAN: Cowabunga!
[Worf fires his phaser. He misses Guinan but the beam enters the Guardian
of Forever.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Two-shot of
Picard and Troi necking. Troi notices the camera, points to it, Picard
turns, sees the camera, collects himself, and stares intently at the
viewscreen.]
PICARD: How did Guinan get down there anyway?
WESLEY: Computer records no transporter activity and no shuttles
are missing from the shuttledeck.
PICARD: Thank you, ensign, but that tells me how she didn't get
there, NOT how she did.
WESLEY: Well, I just thought...
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
OFF-STAGE
VOICE: Have you vacuumed your cats face today?
PICARD: [Whirls around] Q!
Q: Yes, Picard, how astute of you to notice.
PICARD: Q!
Q: You're repeating yourself. I sent Guinan to the planet.
PICARD: Why?
Q: Hold that thought. [He turns and disappears. Picard stands
there stunned. suddenly Q returns.] I sent her down because
there's something wrong here.
PICARD: What?
Q: History has been changed. The thing is you don't know it.
PICARD: What?
Q: Guinan knew what was happening, so I put her on the planet so
she could fix it. Besides, I didn't really like her.
PICARD: Bring her back.
Q: Can't she's already gone through the Guardian. This is
your problem now, and Picard...
PICARD: What?!
Q: Wesley is special.
[Q fades out, while Wesley secretly smiles to himself.]
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
[Scene 29. Exterior Shot. Kentucky Woods, near a highway. The highway is
rather deserted and cars go by infrequently. Dr. Zarkov, Dale, Flash, and
a large, hairy mass which towers over them are walking down the road.]
FLASH: Dale, we have to get rid of this thing. It's hard enough
to get a ride anyway, with this beast around, it's impossible.
DALE: Flash! Stop! You're hurting his feelings. [She puts her arm
around the monster and coos to it.] There, there.
[As Dale coos to the beast, the camera pans upward and we can see that this
huge beast is Harry from 'Harry and the Hendersons']
FLASH: Dr. Zarkov!
ZARKOV: I'm sorry, Flash. I have to side with Dale on this, the
possibilities here for scientific study are enormous.
FLASH: What about the possibilities of ever getting back to
civilization? Besides, you realise that every car that
passes us, goes and tells the people in the next town.
ZARKOV: Good, that will increase our chances of receiving aid.
FLASH: [Rolls his eyes.] You never saw _Frankenstein_, did you?
ZARKOV: No, I find popular cinema unchallenging to my intellect,
why?
FLASH: Never mind. [Suddenly, a burst of red laser light shoots
past Flash's head.] Hit the deck! [All of them including
Harry dive into a nearby ditch.] What was that?
ZARKOV: My guess would be some kind of hand-powered laser weapon,
but I've never heard of anything like that on Earth.
FLASH: Ming's men had a lot of them. [Considers for a moment.]
I'm going to have a look. [He stands up. Harry, who is
right next to him, mimics his action. Flash has only been
standing for a few seconds when another laser shot wings
him. He quickly ducks. A blue station wagon drives by
before Hary can duck.]
[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the blue station wagon, close
up of the driver. It is Mr. Henderson from Harry and the Hendersons.]
HENDERSON: Was that?...Never mind. [Shakes his head.]
[Quick scene change. Exterior Shot. Close up of Flash, Dale, Harry, and
Zarkov in the ditch.]
FLASH: Definitely more of Ming's shock troops.
DALE: [Gets hysterical] What are we going to do?!?!? They'll kill
us!!!
[Flash slaps Dale repeatedly until she calms down.]
FLASH: Calm down, Dale, we'll think of something.
[But it's already too late. Flash looks up and at this point the camera
angle changes so that we are seeing through Flash's eyes. The camera is
focused on a pair of silver boots first, but it moves up to show a red and
silver uniformed person, wearing a space helmet. He carries a rather
mean-looking weapon which he points at the camera and fires. The screen
goes quickly red and then fades to black.]
[Scene 30. Exterior Shot. The utter, endless blackness of deep space.
As the camera pans, the entire Imperial Fleet can be seen. It is not
drifting aimlessly, but moving under full power, all in the same direction.
The Dreck Star is at the center of it all. It's front point is as it was
before, and all three engines on the rear corners are under full power moving
the ting.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Lord Gator's Meditation Room. Karth is
sitting with his back to the camera in the lotus position on four soft
pillows. A beeping signal is heard. Karth rotates in position until he
is facing the camera.]
KARTH: Come in.
[A large metal door slides up and a single officer walks in.]
OFFICER: Lord Gator, no mass detected even on the longest range
scans.
KARTH: That is odd. I sense a strong disturbance in the force
ahead. No matter, it is of little consequence. Thank you
Admiral Fister.
FISTER: Yes, Lord Gator. [He clicks his heels and walks out.]
KARTH: Hmmmm. Skywalker, it is you isn't it. I shall not fail
to defeat you as have so many of my predecessors.
[He rotates back again. Fade to black.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our Story So Far: Maxwell Smart has been assigned as the Control agent on
the World Crime League case. Princess Leia, and the rest of the leaders of
the Rebel Alliance are headed for Earth, although Karth Gator has no proof,
he senses the disturbances in the Force that tell him that Luke is in his
future. Zarkov, Dale, and Flash meet up with Harry the Bigfoot, but are then
captured by Ming's men. Riker, Geordi, Worf, and Data are examining the
Guardian of Forever, when Guinan (placed on the planet by Q) jumps through
in an attempt to put the universe right again. Meanwhile, in 1966, Kirk, Spock,
McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty are examining the area around White Sands, NM.
Buckarro Banzai arrives at Network 23 and picks up the World Crime League
tape, and the Battlestar Galactica crew has finally installed Slartibartfast's
Bistromathic Drive, but go veering out of control when they try and use it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
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/____//____//_/ /_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 31. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building. The Doctor, Romana, Leela,
and Adric come walking down the front steps.]
DOCTOR: Well, that was helpful.
ROMANA: But Doctor, he didn't even believe us. He just spent
his time ogling Leela.
LEELA: I do whis you had let me slit his throat, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There, there, Leela, perhaps later we can blow something
up for you.
LEELA: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: As for your comments, Romana, I was being sarcastic. I can't
believe that after all the time you spent with that Letterman
chap, he couldn't teach you a thing about humor.
ROMANA: Well, the Brigadier was a dead end wasn't he?
DOCTOR: Yes and no.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Yes, that fellow was a dead end, but no, he wasn't the
Brigadier.
ROMANA: How can you be sure?
DOCTOR: Well, in the first place, the Brigadier I knew was a
gentleman and would never have 'ogled', as you say,
Leela the way this man did, and secondly, the Brigadier
was a good 80 pounds lighter the last time saw him, which
was less than a month ago local time. All in all, I'd say
we have a mystery on our hands.
[With that, he opens the door to his TARDIS and walks in, followed by
the Companions.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Room. Red lights are
flashing and a loud siren is wailing. As the Doctor and his Companions
enter they immediately cover their ears and squint. The Doctor rushes
over to a control panel and switches off the alarm. He whirls on K-9.]
DOCTOR: K-9!
K-9: (unruffled) Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Why didn't you shut off the alarm?!
K-9: I couldn't reach it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: You could have used your remote.
K-9: I was running the camera with it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The camera wasn't even on us. Oh never mind, what set
that blasted thing off anyway?
ROMANA: Over here, Doctor.
[The Doctor rushes over and is dumbfounded by what he sees.]
ADRIC: What is it?
ROMANA: Someone is time-travelling in the vicinity.
ADRIC: But, that's impossible isn't it?
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Come on, we're going.
LEELA: Where?
DOCTOR: White Sands, New Mexico.
[He begins to move controls on the TARDIS panel.]
[Scene Change. Exterior of TARDIS. The TARDIS fades out of existence.]
[Scene 32. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk, Spock, McCoy,
Chekov, and Scotty stand clustered together. In the distance, a small
crowd of technicians can be seen surrounding a few fancs near a makeshift
runway.]
SPOCK: Captain, over there, an expiremental aircraft, piloted
by a Steve Austin, will crash land. The pilot will
survive but lose the use of both of his legs, his
right arm, and his left eye.
KIRK: So we have to prevent this?
SPOCK: No, a government agency known only as the OSS, led by
Oscar Goldman, will rebuild him, replacing his useless
parts with bionic replacements vastly superior to his
own human parts. He will then become a top agent for
the OSS and OSS will grow and eventually become a
cornerstone of Starfleet.
KIRK: Well, everything seems all right now.
CHEKOV: Keptin, look.
[Everyone, including the camera, turns to look where Chekov is pointing.
A jet plane can be seen in the distance. It is angling in for a landing.]
SPOCK: That is the plane we are waiting for, Captain.
[As Spock speaks, about a hundred yards from the plane, a figure appears
out of nowhere and begins to plummet to the Earth. A moment later, a beam
of light streaks out of the same exact nowhere and hits the plane. The right
wing bursts into flames. Kirk flips open his communicator.]
KIRK: Transporter Room, come in.
KYLE: (over communicator) Kyle Here.
KIRK: Approximately one hundred yards to the right of the crashing
plane, somebody is falling. Beam them up!
KIRK: (over communicator) Aye sir.
[The figure continues to fall, and then is caught in the transporter effect
and disappears.]
SPOCK: Captain, the pilot will not survive this crash.
KIRK: Spock, didn't you just say that he would.
SPOCK: Yes, but he was not supposed to crash from that height.
KIRK: Kyle! Beam up the pilot from that jet!
KYLE: (over communicator) But I thought... Aye sir.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Cockpit of the expiremental craft. Steve
Austin is doing his best not to choke to death on the smoke filling the
cabin. Suddenly, the glittering transporter effect covers him and he
disappears.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Medium view of the plane as it moves in for
a landing. On impact with the ground, it explodes.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Kirk, et al.]
KIRK: Enterprise! Five to beam up. (to Spock) I'm going to get
to the bottom of this. (to Communicator) Energize!
[Scene 33. Interior Shot. An office inside the UN building. The floor is
carpetted with a plush-green do-jobby. As for furniture, a large, oak
desk dominates the room. A high-backed, black, swivel, office chair is
behind the desk. Two other, rather bland chairs are in front of the desk.
A bookcase takes up most of one wall and behind the desk, a wall of windows
looks out onto the park. Sitting at the desk, a rather portly gentleman,
dressed in a uniform identifying him as a Brigadier General in His Majesty's
Army of Britain, and a well decorated one at that, is ignoring the paperwork
on his desk and twiddling his thumbs. On the bookcase, a volume titled,
_A_Passage_to_India_ tilts forward, and a secret panel comprising of that
section of the wall, gently swings open. Lex Luthor emerges from behind
the secret door.]
LEX: Otis! You Idiot! [He takes off the general's hat and hits
him with it.]
OTIS: Hey Boss, you remind me of Skipper when you do that.
LEX: You buffoon, you've come damn close to ruining everything.
OTIS: How? I did what you told me to. I stalled them, and gave,
them the brushoff saying...[He frowns in concentration.]
"I'm sorry, but our forces are currently engaged in other
investigations which won't be completed for at least another
three months." [He smiles in satisfaction at having remembered
the whole sentence, especially the big words.]
LEX: Oh, Otis, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of
intelligence.
[Scene Change. Close-up of the Evil One from Time Bandits.]
EVIL ONE: Hey! That's my line! [He lets loose a bolt of lightning
from his fingertips.] Drat! Missed!
[Scene Change. Back to the UN office. Lex seems unaware that a lightning
bolt was just thrown at him.]
LEX: What was I saying?
OTIS: Something about me being free of something or other.
LEX: No, before that.
OTIS: Oh, you called me a buffoon and then [concentrates, straing
the very limits of his memory.] You said something about
me almost ruining everything. [He smiles again.]
LEX: Right. And wipe that smile off your face! Now, you're here
for one reason, and one reason only...
OTIS: Wait, wait! It's to keep people from realising that the
Brigadier is missing until it's too late.
LEX: Very good, Otis, and you nearly blew it! It's obvious that
those people were freinds of the REAL Brigadier. I just
hope you haven't screwed anything up. Miss Tessmarket!
MISS T: [running in from secret door.] Yes, Lex.
LEX: Take care of this paperwork.
MISS T: Ok Lex. [She scoops up some papers and exits by the secret
door.]
LEX: And you try not to screw up again.
OTIS: Okay, Mr. Luthor, you can count on me.
[Luthor stalks back into the secret passage. Otis returns to twiddling his
thumbs. Fade to black.]
[Scene 34. Exterior shot. The screen fills with white light as Sam Beckett
makes another leap. As he recovers, he looks around to find he's in the
middle of the desert, surrounded by technicians and military personnel.
He looks rather out of place in a grey business suit. Before he can truly
get his bearings, a plane behind him that is crash landing, explodes. He
turns and rushes toward it, but is sent away by rescure fireman who are
already spraying out the flames. He walks off, but not before he checks
his reflection. We see that he is Oscar Goldman. As he walks off, Al
appears beside him.]
AL: Something's wrong here, Sam. You don't look like an Indian.
SAM: I'm aware of that Al, Where am I?
AL: White Sands, New Mexico, May 15, 1965. [He points off to
the distance.] 100 miles and 30 years that way is Project
Quantum Leap.
SAM: Big deal, who am I?
AL: Well, we're not sure, Ziggy says you're supposed to be an
Indian on a reservation, but you're obviously not that.
SAM: Well, what's the guy in the waiting room say?
AL: Well, he says that he's Oscar Goldman, chairman of OSS, but
that can't be right.
SAM: Why not?
AL: Sam! Don't you remember? OSS isn't real. It's a fictional
organization from that show, ummmmm, the Six Million Dollar
Man.
SAM: No, I don't.
AL: Well, trust me, you can't be him. I'll be back as soon as we
figure out what's going on.
[He steps back into his portal and disappears. Sam looks up and notices the
chauffer holding a door open and beckoning to him.]
CHAUFFER: Where to, Mr. Goldman.
SAM: [Half in, half out of the door.] Uh, home.
CHAUFFER: Right. [He closes the door, gets in the front seat, and
drives off.]
[Scene 35. Interior Shot? The picture is rather blurry and moves around
quite a bit. As the view clears, it molds itself into an extreme close-up
of Harry's face. Then the camera jerks back.]
[Camera angle change. Interior Shot. A drab, gray cell. Flash Gordon,
Dale Arden, Dr. Zarkov, and Harry are here. Flash is chained to the wall,
suspended from manacles by his wrists. The others are standing on their
feet, but manacles dangle from their wrists as well. We see that Harry
is staring into Flash's face, and Flash pulls his head back and hits it on
the wall.]
DALE: Flash! Are you all right?
FLASH: Yeah. Where are we?
ZARKOV: I don't know, Ming's men found us, knocked us out, and the
next thing I knew, I woke up here.
FLASH: Well, how'd you get down of the wall?
DALE: Harry did it. Pulled the chains right out.
FLASH: Well, uh [He motions his head at his own chains.]
ZARKOV: Oh, yes, Harry, let Flash down off the wall.
[Harry reaches up and pulls Flash's chains right out of the wall. Flash
drops to the ground.]
FLASH: Now, I think we should get out of here. [He goes to the
door of the cell] Locked! I'm going to try and force it
open. [He starts slamming his shoulder against the door to
no avail. Harry gets interested and moves closer to watch.]
(to Harry) Don't just stand there, help me you big ape!
[Harry looks puzzled, shrugs, throws his weight against the
door. Harry and the door fly out into the hallway.] Let's go!
[They all rush into the hall.]
ZARKOV: This looks like one of Ming's ships.
FLASH: It looks like War Rocket Ajax, C'mon, the sky cylces are
this way. [He heads down a corridor and past another cell
door.]
[The camera lingers on the door and moves toward the window. As it gets closer
and goes through the window, we see that Harry is being held, cowering,
behind an energy barrier of some kind. The camera lingers on Harry's face for
just the right amount of time to bring a tear to every eye watching.]
[Scene 36. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Riker, Data, and
LaForge are preparing to enter the Guardian to retrieve Guinan from the past.]
RIKER: I'm sorry, Lieutenant Worf, but this is a covert mission.
The appearance of a member of a previously unknown alien
race would prevent us from blending in.
WORF: Captain Kirk always used to let Spock go with him.
RIKER: Spock didn't have a cranial ridge. [Taps his communicator.]
Riker to Enterprise.
PICARD: (over Communicator) Go ahead, Number One.
RIKER: We are now ready to enter the Guardian of Forever.
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever....
WORF: Oh, shut up!
PICARD: (over Communicator) Riker, are you sure you want to do this.
RIKER: [Smiles.] Yes sir, [looks at Data and Geordi] We're ready.
PICARD: (over Communicator) OK, Number One, be careful.
TROI: (over Communicator) Good luck, Will.
[Riker, Data, and LaForge line up parallel to the Guardian. Data is watching
his Tri-Corder. Worf goes and sits on a rock and sulks.]
DATA: Now!
[They run together and jump into the circle, and disappear.]
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Many such journeys are possible.
[Suddenly, something clicks in Worf's mind. He gets up, brushes himself off
and stares at the Guardian. With great speed, he runs toward it.]
WORF: Banzai!
[He jumps through the Guardian and disappears.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 37. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's office at OSS Research Headquarters.
It's a rather ordinary office, desk, plant, window, chair, the usual. Sam
Beckett is here, pacing the floor. Al appears.]
SAM: Al! Where have you been? It's three hours into the leap and
and I'm still not even sure who I am?
AL: Sam. You aren't going to like this. You better sit down.
SAM: [Sits down.] Ok, Al, Who am I?
AL: [Walks over to stand in the middle of the desk. Only his torso
and head can be seen now.] You are Oscar Goldman, chairman of
OSS.
SAM: But, Al, just three hours ago, you told me that was impossible.
AL: Well, Ziggy says you are caught in a multiple solipsismal
envelope doo-hickey. A lot of pseudo-scientific jargon has
been spewing out of her terminal for over an hour! Anyway,
Ziggy says there's an 88.4% chance that you have to help this
Doctor guy fix this mess.
SAM: What mess, and is it absolutely necessary for you to stand in
the middle of the desk like that?
AL: Yes.
SAM: Why?
AL: To falsely increase the special effects budget.
SAM: [Heavy sigh.] What mess?
AL: Huh? Oh, yeah, you see, what seems to have happened is that
for some reason, certain works of science fiction have suddenly
become part of actual history.
SAM: Why?
AL: We're working on that, but the most consistent criteria seems
to be humorous effect.
SAM: Huh?
AL: Like that exchange we had a couple of minutes ago about me
standing in the desk. Normally we wouldn't even mention it,
but today, we had a silly arguement that didn't even make
sense.
SAM: That was humor?
AL: I didn't say it was good humor. [Al looks up to see a Good
Humor Ice Cream Truck floating by the window. He shakes his
head.] Anyway, all these different fictional universes are
getting all jumbled together and this Doctor person, whoever
he is, is going to need your help fixing it.
SAM: Doctor who though?
AL: That's what we keep asking Ziggy.
SAM: And what does he say?
AL: 'Exactly.'
SAM: Dr Exactly?
AL: No, no, Dr. Who.
SAM: That was my question.
AL: Exactly.
SAM: So I have to find Dr. Exactly.
AL: No, no, Sam cut it out!
SAM: Cut what out?
AL: You were falling into an old Abbott & Costello routine.
SAM: [Smiles.] I was, wasn't I?
AL: Yes, and it was sickening. You have to be careful of that sort
of thing. Indications are you are in a huge parody, and you
have to set things right, from the inside. This is going to
be one tough leap.
SAM: You said it. See what you can dig up about this Doctor guy.
AL: Ok, but it'll be slow going.
SAM: How so?
AL: About fifteen minutes ago, this weird guy in a bathrobe walked
in the door. He slapped Gooshie's pet fly, Agrajag, and asked
for a spot of tea.
SAM: Then what happened?
AL: He left! But Ziggy's going nuts trying to figure out why anyone
would want to drink dried leaves seeped in hot water. [He pushes
some buttons on his control and steps into the portal.] Bye
Sam.
SAM: Bye, Al. [He hangs his head.]
[Scene 38. Interior Shot. A mechanic's garage. The camera pans slowly around
the room taking in every little detail. It passes over tool kits, socket
wrenches, battery chargers, etc.... Outside the window, a yellow pickup
with purple lettering identifies the place as 'Biff's Automotive Detailing'
shop. As the camera passes a radio, a burly hand turns it on an oldies
station. The camera passes over a calendar featuring scantily clad women
holding power tools. It passes by, then quickly goes back to linger a
moment longer. Finally, we see a car, but not all at once. First we see the
same hand polishing the fender, it moves up the length of the car to the
door handle and opens the door. The view switches quickly here, rather than
panning around. The car door closes, the head light switch is pulled on,
it is pushed off again, the windshield wiper knob is turned, the wipers
go back and forth, the figure seated in the driver's seat holds up a key.]
[Close up of the key. Sunlight reflects off the jagged surface.]
[Close up of the ignition as the key is inserted. The key is turned and
the engine roars to life. Every dial immediately goes to its maximum
reading. The garage door opens, and Spin drives the car out of the
garage.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing. The garage
door is open and a 1977 Plymouth Volare Station Wagon (guess what kind of
car the author drives) is pulling out of the garage.]
SPIN: Hey Marty! Check it out!
MARTY: (pretending to be impressed) Hey Spin! Where'd you get this?
SPIN: I built it out of some wreckage I found by the railroad tracks.
MARTY: Hm.
SPIN: It took me weeks to get it together, the only thing is I
can't get the radio to work.
MARTY: Well, let me take a look at it.
SPIN: Ok.
[Marty walks around the car as Spin pulls his head in the window. Close up of
Marty's face as he walks to the passenger side, gets in the car, and bends to
look at the radio. His mood is cheerful throughout until he sees the radio,
when he stops mid-whistle and his expression becomes one of shock. The camera
angle changes to show the keypad from the DeLorean Time Machine. Marty quickly
looks around for the flux capacitor but doesn't see it.]
MARTY: Uh, Spin, I need to, uh, check the wiring under the hood.
SPIN: Sure, then I can show you the funky carbuerator it has.
[He pops the hood and the both get out.]
[Marty and Spin walk to the front of the car, as Kip props open the hood,
On the distributor cap is the flux capacitor, and it's fluxing. Mounted right
next to it is Mr. Fusion.]
MARTY: Spin! Where did you say you got these parts?
SPIN: Near the railroad tracks, by Eastwood ravine.
MARTY: Great Scott! [He gropes back to a wall and collapses to the
ground.]
SPIN: [Rushes over.] Marty, what is it?
MARTY: You built Doc's time machine, into a Volare?!
SPIN: Whoa! That's heavy.
[Scene 39. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's Apartment. Sam is making a pot of
tea. He reaches over to the pot and burns his hand over the steam.]
SAM: Ow! That hurt!
[A swoop noise is heard.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: Maybe I can help?
SAM: Who are you?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: I'm Middle-Aged Man! Aaaaah!
[Scene Change. Middle-Aged Man running down a suburban street.]
CHORUS: Middle-Aged Maaaan!
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
With Powers and Knowledge that are far beyond
younger man,
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, but losing his sex drive.
Developing skills and a gut.
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
[Scene Change. Original Scene 39.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: I can help with that burn. Hey! What are you looking at? You're
looking at my gut aren't you? [Sam begins to protest.] Well,
I'm working on it! Now, just run that hand under cold water
and wrap it in a wet towel. You'll be all right.
SAM: Uh, thank you. Are you a Doctor?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: No, just a regular guy with lots of common sense.
[Sam runs his hand under the sink.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN: Well, I have to go now. [He swoops out.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 40. Interior Shot. A large convention hall. Along three walls, tables
piled with Star Trek and other science fiction memorabilia abound. Crowds upon
crowds of people mill about looking at various exhibits. Some of them are
wearing Starfleet uniforms, both old & new. Some have Vulcan ears on. Most of
them are babbling excitedly. One is pointedly dressed as Worf in traditional
Klingon Battle Armor. On closer examination, we see that it is Worf in
traditional Klingon Battle Armor. He walks around sneering, and attracting
quite a crowd. Little kids gather at his feet, asking him to say "Good Tea,
Nice House." He walks up to a refreshment counter.]
REFRESHMENT
DEALER: Hey! Gret costume friend! What can I get you?
WORF: Do you have any prune juice?
[The crowd around him goes wild. Yellos of 'Oh Man' and 'That's Perfect' can
be herd. Worf looks around and sneers. The dealer pulls out a glass of prune
juice and hands it to Worf. Worf downs it in one gulp and walks off.]
During Worf's absence, wesley Crusher is now in charge of Security, leaving
Will Robertson in Wesley's old job.
Will: Sir, there's a big box heading for us.
Picard: Dr Who?
Will: No sir, the Borg!
Picard: Riker to the bridge!
Wesley: But sir, he's on the bridge.
Picard: I *know* that Wesley.
Wesley: But sir, why would you say...
Data: Shut up Wesley. (Everyone looks at Data.
Picard: What do you suggest number one?
Riker: Lets hit them with our new secret weapon
Picard: Good Idea number one. Will, fire when ready. (camera goes to will)
*nothing happens*
Picard: Will!
Riker: Yes sir?
Picard: Not you, Will Robertson.
Will: Yes sir?
Picard: Fire at will.
Will: But sir, why would I try to kill myself?
Picard: Push that red button, and that blinking one, and that thing..NOW!
*As the Enterprise fires, so does the Borg, causing a massive
disturbance is the space-time lines and brilliant fx displays
as both ships hit a spot in the middle of the two ships, which
of course brings in an old outdated Enterprise.*
Bones: Dammit Jim, why do these things always happen to us? If you asked
me, I think we should...
Kirk: No one asked you Bones. *Spock* where are we.
Spock: We are in the future captain. (Everyone looks at Kirk.
Kirk: Well, I knew that.
Borg: You are in our way. You shall become obsolete in the new order
Kirk: Who are you, show yourselves
*the borg appear on screen.
Kirk: I *hate* computers
Borg: Resistance is useless
Kirk: I still hate computers
Borg: Facts are irrelevant
Kirk: But, but, a fact, If facts are irrelevant, then your irrelevant,
because you are here, you are irrelevant.
*The borg are overfilled with a deadly weapon called emotion,
and they go crazy and run into a sun. (All 17 ships)
Picard: Why didn't we ever think of that?
Data: You never asked Sir.
Picard: You there, I am Captain....
*a bright fx flash, the crew of the old enterprise is now on
the new enterprise.*
Spock: Thils is highly illogical..
Bones: Your highly illogical, I still have some of your marbles from that
damn mind thing....
Spock: At least you can say you have a brain now, good doctor.
Kirk: That's enough, both of you.
Data: Sir, the probability of this kind of a time space line anl. vortex
event is outstanding. Close to 100000000000000000009.574829365847
Bones: Dammit Jim, he's worse than the vulcan.
Spock: ...04756849566453..
Data: ...291.
Wesley: is that to one? (everyone ignores Wesley.)
Q: Hi guys, who's in charge here?
Kirk/Picard/Wesley: I am
Q: That's what I thought.
Picard: Go away Q
Kirk: No, stay, I like him.
Picard: I WANT THAT *THING* (CAMERA SHIFTS TO OLD ENTERPRISE) BACK WHERE IT
CAME FROM. NOW Q!!! A bright flash occurs.
Scotty: Ah, were back captain. Captain?
(Picard and Data are now on the old ship, in the past.)
Picard: (pointing to Bones), Get me starfle...
Bones: What am I, a Doctor or a messenger boy?
Picard: You will do as I say
Bones: DAMMIT PICARD, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MESSENGER BOY. GET THEM YOURSELF.
Sulu: I agree with Bones.
Data: So do I sir, you see...
Picard: Thats enough Data.
==========================
Camera shifts to the new ship. (Spock and Kirk are on the new ship)
Riker: (Look of amazement) hey, how did you past that test anyway?
Spock: He took various factors which were...
Kirk: I cheated. Mr. Q ...my ship...
Q. This is your ship now, lets see if Picard can figure this one out..
Ha Ha Ha, (and Q dissapears)
Nameless Character who will probably get killed: Sir, a ship is approaching.
Riker: on screen.
Ship: you are on neutral territory, leave immediately.
Kirk: But it's neutral...
The ship switch to on screen, look at Kirk, freak out, and leave.
Riker: I think we will get along well together sir.
Kirk: I do too Will..
Riker: I have a lot to show you. We have this room, where thing seem so
real, come I'll show you how the *men* relax.
Kirk: This just keeps on getting better and better
Wesley: Can I come?
Kirk/Riker: NO.
Riker: Spock, are you going with us? (Spock has a funny look on his face)
Kirk: Spock, *Spock* come on.
Spock: I don't know captain.
Welsley: Can I take his place
Kirk/Riker: NO!!!!!!
Spock: wesley, shut up.
Riker: Gee, that must be contagious.
So who is in charge of the old ship?
Who is in charge of the new ship?
Who is in charge of the Bridge when kirk/spock/riker leave.
(Wesley, ha ha ah ah aha hhaaaaaaa)
Will Kirk want to leave?
find out in number two. The next trek.
--
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
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