AOH :: TREK-136.TXT|
5 seasons of parody TNG titles & synopses
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steven Ellis)
Subject: Parody: Star Trek THE NEW GENERATION (repost and corrections)
Keywords: Oh my god, i'm going to fall off my chair
Date: 2 Dec 91 15:36:47 GMT
Organization: Olivetti ATC; Cupertino, CA
Xref: moe.ksu.ksu.edu rec.arts.startrek:90014 alt.startrek.creative:1347
Appologies for the repost, but I discoverd that several of the best episodes
were missing. Plus Jon has been hard at play producing more. Thus Season 3
onwards will appear in a future post.
A friend of mine has written several seasons of Next Gen synopses under the
premise that former Doctor producer John Nathan-Turner was producing them.
(Hence any JNT references).
I thought many of the people on USENET would enjoy reading this though many
of the tales relate to recent events at York University where he studies
history, (such finiding a working phone, the University's excuse for a library,
and trying to open a tinned Steak and Kidney pie). I am afraid I cannot vouch
for his present state of mental health (I'd guess his History is getting him
down a little), but I certainly have had problems staying on my chair whilst
reading the below.
If you want any more e-mail me (see below) or Jon.
From Jonathan Burt University of York (UK)
Internet - JEB2@vaxa.york.ac.uk
Janet - JEB2@uk.ac.york.vaxa
The article below can be transmitted by any electronic means, and you
may hold one personal electronic and printed copy. You also may make
fun, flame, have raucous laughter, comment about, not understand,
or just be plain bitchy about the whole thing.
I don't care, I only did it for my friends, even if they didn't like
it I enjoyed making it all up. Anything better than doing my
History Degree. (Well almost anything).
(c) November 1991 J.Burt
"STAR TREK - THE NEW GENERATION" - Trekking as it has never been known before. The cast of "Next Gen" have been persuaded to take up their roles once more
for an extraordinary new series based upon the old, but taking the concept
much further. A new team of producers and writters has been employed to bring
to your screens a fantastic run of classic "Trek" episodes, the like of which
you will never have seen before ...
Origonal Ideas (well almost origonal) Jonathan Burt
"Dworf", Peter Richards co-writer providing the origonal inspiration.
Season One of 'Star Trek - The New Generation'
1:01 DEAD AGAIN AGAIN - Keleyr returns through the body of the mysterious
Dr Selar, much to the delight of Worf.
1:02 SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY - Beverly realizes she is pregnant - and by Will
Riker, at the time when Odan was occupying his body in 'The Host'. Much
moral and emotional complications ensue.
1:03 AMNESIACS - The entire Enterprise crew lose their memories due to a space
phenomenon. Only Guinan is unaffected. Can she prevent the nearby Romulan
vessel from opening fire?
1:04 A VERY QUEER CASE - Q has a laugh by inverting all the crews' sexual
tendencies - will the romance between Picard and Riker blossom, or that
between Troi and Guinan? And can Data, who is not affected, persuade Q to
return things to normal?
1:05 TRANSMOGRIFICATION - To Worf's delight, Dr Selar's body, in which the mind
of Keleyr now resides, starts to change to resemble the late Klingon ambassador.
1:06 THE DIET - Riker is now so fat that the turbo lift refuses carry him.
With Troi's help the first officer goes on a diet.
1:07 CHIEF ENGINEER'S LOG - A day in the life of Geordi. However, today,
things are not so mundane, as he spends it in bed with his bird, Christine.
1:08 THE BATTLE (PART II) - A remarkable follow up to the first season tale
"The Battle". The Ferengi, led by the escaped villain Amster, return to
wage war on the Enterprise, whom they blame for the destruction of their
1:09 THE BOUGH IS NOW THOROUGHLY BROKEN - A one-off with Wesley returning
to negociate with exciting race from 'When the Bough Breaks'. He must supply
them with genetic material for reproduction before their ozone layer decays
1:10 MIND TORTURE - Picard suffers a post traumatic break down as a result of
seeing a photo of the Borg. Troi's efforts to counsel him go wrong and the
Captain must face the evil inside.
1:11 BACK UP YOUR FILES - The Enterprise is crippled when the computer goes
mad and assumes a male voice and wants endless sex with Riker. Fortunately
Data can tap into the files to retrieve the emergency back up system.
1:12 THE IVORY TOWER - Lt Barclay and Riker indulge in a holodeck fantasy
whereby Riker is the handsome prince and his dream girl the helpless princess
stuck in a tower from whence the prince must rescue her. However obstacles
such as the photon torpedo firing giant stand in the way.
1:13 I, WORF - A further power struggle on Klingon Homeworld forces Worf to
return home, where he stands to be leader. A lot of back stabbing ensues,
and Worf is beamed up tragically ill. Can Dr Crusher, still reeling from
having Riker's baby, save him?
1:14 REJUVENATION (PART I) - Data and Picard take Mr Spock's evil twin,
Mr Spick, to visit his brother on Romulus. While the brothers talk about
their father, Sarek who is once more gripping Picard's mind, the two Starfleet
officers decide to look up their old enemy Sela. Finding her address from the
Romulan telephone directory, they arrive at the house, only to find an eldery
Tasha Yar - Sela had lied in "Redemption part II" and in fact her mother still
lives on Romulus!
1:15 REJUVENATION (PART II) - Data, since he cannot age himself, adjusts
quickly to Tasha being so old and immediately attempts to profess and make
love to her. Unfortunately Tasha has long since passed the menopause and is
old that she isn't interested in Data's intruging appendages. Sela arrives
with a bunch of guards and the trio are beamed to the Enterprise by Riker (The
Enterprise has borrowed a Klingon cloaking device for the mission). In revenge,
Sela kills Mr Spick and puts Mr Spock in gaol (thus leaving things open for a
1:16 REJUVENATION (PART III) - Tasha is so ancient that she needs a wheelchair
to sit at tactical - Worf is not pleased at being demoted. Tasha continues to
be confused about Data's amorous advances, but Guinan sorts things out by
explaining to Data that this Tasha never experienced the events of "The Naked
Now". Data is so concerned that he perfects a device which turns back the
years - Riker loses his pot belly, Picard gets back his hair and Tasha becomes
young once more. She is so grateful that she sleeps with Mr Data to express
her thanks. Data, in this classic episode, is thus confused by human emotions
1:17 LIBIDO - At first, all is happy on board the Enterprise. Then Picard
realizes he is losing hair from other parts of his body, and Riker, who has
been spending a break with Deanna, realizes that he is losing something
even more important. The consequences are so drastic that even Troi is
stunned into silence, Guinan can't stop laughing, and Riker must turn to the
only sober member of the crew on the matter Data, who offers to lend him his
on special occasions. What can be the explanation for these mysteries?
1:18 THE BEST OF BOTH MR HOM'S (Written by Edward J Lord): It is time for the
annual visit of Lwaxana Troi to the Enterprise. However, shortly after beam
up, another Mr Hom appears and strikes down O'Brien. Disruptions continue
on the Enterprise, until Geordi and Worf track down the offending Hom.
(JNT: It was about time the series focussed on this great and underused
character, who is seen to have much more depth than previously supposed in
his touching scene with his alter ego, who is known in the episode as Mr Hum)
1:19 ENSIGN RO HO - Christmas time on board the Enterprise. Ensign Ro dresses
up as Santa Claus and goes ho-ho when the crew reveal some interesting secrets
and hang-ups through their requests for Santa to fill their stockings.
1:20 THE BINDING - Worf presides at a touching ceremony in which Data
implants the necessary bits and pieces to Riker and Picard which had been
lost in 'Libido'
1:21 DRUNK TO EXCESS - The Romulans are so annoyed with Mr Spock's constant
interjections about logic that they return him to the Enterprise. Picard
invites them over for a peace making party and they party to excess with wine
Picard's brother has sent him. Meanwhile, Data and Tasha and Riker with Troi
journey for romance into the holodeck.
1:22 A ROMULAN TALE - After they've all recovered from the party (see: "Drunk
to Excess", Tasha, now returned from her romantic trip with Data on the
holodeck, tells both the crew and their Romulan guests about the awful fate of
the Enterprise C and her subsquent battle for survival on Romulus.
1:23 HAVE CONDOMS, WILL SELL - The Enterprise condom machine runs out. In a
desperate situation, Picard hails a passing Ferengi ship. It transpires that
they, indeed, have a few gross of the required item. Due to frantic demand,
Picard is forced to negiotate a job lot. Unfortunately much frustration ensues
when it becomes known that Ferengi condoms were made for Ferengis and not for
1:24 THE FOOL - Riker takes command as Picard is recalled to Earth to account
for being ripped off by the Ferengi. Due to his good relationship with
Commander Padlock, in charge of a nearby Romulan vessel, Riker gets a few boxes
of Romulan condoms in exchange for some more wine. Unfortunately he is far too
1:25 POPULATION EXPLOSION - Because of some unusual properties inherent in
Ferengi condoms, all the women on the Enterprise give spontaneous birth to
bouncing baby boys. Can Riker cope? Dr Crusher's earlier experiences
("Someone Else's Baby) help her manage and she assists Troi, now the mother of
Riker's first son. Worf and Selar are delighted; so is Geordi, although
Christine is not too pleased. Only Data and Tasha feel left out, and so Data
begins some interesting experiments to correct a fault in his fluid mechanisms.
1:26 HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART I) - The Enterprise, now under the command of
Captain Riker, takes back on board the disgraced Ensign Picard and warps off
to the centre of the Universe to interview God (see "Star Trek V: The Final
Frontier"). Mr Spock comes on board to help out. Unfortunately when they get
there they find that the Holy Trinity are having a clamp down on sexual immora-
lity and are not best pleased with the Ferengi Condom Scandal. They threaten
to bring a punishment the Enterprise will not enjoy ...
Season Two of 'Star Trek - The New Generation'
2:01 HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART II) - Picard wins his way back into favour by
saving the Enterprise. He lectures God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the
values of logic and the illogic nature of destroying the Enterprise. This
speech, much assisted by Mr Spock, last 40 minutes and bores God into letting
them all go.
2:02 DAY OF THE FERIFFIDS - The Ferengi have grown a space spore which is
fatal to humans. Can Riker phaser the lethal plants out of the space lanes
before it is too late?
2:03 THE BOOKCASE - Riker reorganizes the Enterprise's chaotic library.
2:04 NO-HOPER - Inexplicably Wesley has failed all his academy exams and has
taken to drugs to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy - especially after
his girlfriend has made some choice comments. Riker, with Lt Comm Picard at
his side, warps right back to Earth to investigate and uncovers a snide plot
aimed at deflating Wesley's ego.
2:05 ADMIRAL ON THE BRIDGE - The Enterprise receives a state visit from an old
friend - no less than Admiral James T. Kirk! Despite the fact that he is 135
years old, Jim Kirk still finds the energy to pinch Troi's bum, fondle "Bones"
Crusher, have passionate sex with Tasha and fight Data in a lover's feud. Real
trouble, though, begins when the Admiral overrules Captain Riker when Romulan
Commander Padlock's ship drops by to take on emergency rum rations. Can Riker
prevent Kirk from saying those dreaded words - "Fire all phasers"?
2:06 PLAGUE SHIP OF MONTANA - Doctors Selar and Crusher must learn a thing or
two about quarantine procedures when the Enterprise inadvertently crashes into
a Montanan Plague Ship, upon which all hands are dead. The infection spreads
all round the Enterprise, and the survival of a thousand rests on Keleyr, whose
knowledge Dr Selar can tap into. An antidote is found, but too late to save
106 crew - including Lt Commander O'Brien.
2:07 FUNERALS - Captain Riker promotes Picard to full Commander to help with
the funeral arrangements. Unfortunately the torpedo bays cannot cope with so
many coffins needing to be fired out into space and break down. Much chaos
ensues as Geordi attempts to repair the systems. Not the best of times for
the Cardassians to attack in part of their plan to take over the Universe.
2:08 CIRCUMSION - In a touching Klingon ceremony, Worf must circumsize his son
Alexander with the fearsome weapon he used to kill Duras in 'Reunion'. The
boy's mother, Dr Selar/Keleyr, being a Vulcan, half human and half Klingon, is
not so keen on the idea, pointing out the drastic consequences if Worf should
2:09 CHILDREN - A quiet episode consolidating the new family aspects on board
the Enterprise and to allow the crew to recover from recent hectic events.
Worf suggests they all go to Disneyland, a place he liked as a boy. So off
they warp. Beaming down with the surviving offspring (most were killed by the
plague) Captain Riker determines to have a nice time. He meets Mickey Mouse,
Troi dances with Donald Duck, Wesley falls in a pond, and Picard strikes a
bizzare relationship with Pluto the Dog. Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Tasha
is sulking after the latest failure with Mr Data.
2:10 THE SKULL - Warping through space at half impulse, the Enterprise meets
a terrifying new race, driving a ship shaped like a skull. It locks on
tractor beams, but Riker, by rotating shield frequencies and ordering all
engines to reverse, manages to fly his ship away. However, as Guinan warns,
the Skulls will probably not stop there. They know where they are, and they
will be coming ...
2:11 OLD BOOT - Riker discovers one of his old boots is missing. Worf must
lead a full security investigation, but cannot find the missing articles.
In the mean time a strange howling noise is heard along the Enterprise's
corridor. Despite intense inquiries, Riker and Picard cannot ascertain what
is going on. This episode leads into the next classic ...
2:12 HOUND OF THE RIKERS - Data, fascinated by Sherlock Holmes, finally
leaves Tasha alone long enough to compare the features of 'Old Boot' to
the detective's greatest case. Donning deerstalker and pipe, Data with
Commander Picard as Dixon Hill sets out to solve the mystery. They are only
just in time to save Captain Riker from a savage attack by a hologrammatic dog,
controlled by an ancient Sulu who had stowawayed on the ship to extract revenge
for getting so old. All is solved, and Sulu is made young again by being put
into Mister Data's rejuvenation machine (see 'The Rejuvenation part III')
2:13 DISMEMBERMENT - Dr Maddox ('Measure of a Man') finally persuades Data
to let him take him apart in the hope of reanimating his daughter Lal ('The
Offspring'). Despite tearful protests from Data's girlfriend, Tasha Yar, the
operation goes ahead and succeeds in reactivating Lal. There are many touching
scenes as Lal greets her friends amongst the crew - but her father still lies
in pieces in the operating theatre.
2:14 DATA THE RIPPER - Dr Maddox reassembles Data, but omits to say he made a
bit of bodge up of the job. When Data arrives on the Enterprise, his return
coincides with the start of a series of grisly murders. Who can the psychotic
murderer be, and why has Data developed a twitch?
2:15 LAL, LAL BABY - All is sorted out when Lal realises that the murderer is
not Data but his brother Lor, who has mysteriously invaded the Enterprise. Lor
is restrained by Worf and handed over to Dr Maddox for punishment for his
2:16 AND FOR STARTERS - Captain Riker is cooking for himself again - but a
Fray Bentos can of steak and kidney pie defeats his can opener, and it looks
as though starvation is on the menu.
2:17 GEORDIS - The holodeck goes wonky and starts churning out thousands of
Geordis. The crew is threatened when the Geordis start to breathe too much
oxygen. Captain Riker is faced by a dilemma - do the Geordis constitute a new
species, and can he phaser them all without getting the real Geordi?
(JNT (Producer of 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This is a fantastic
episode for Levar Burton, who plays literally thousands of roles here. Geordi
had been very underused earlier in the season, and we hope this will make for
2:18 ORANGEJUICE - Now it is the turn of the food dispensers to go wrong. The
Enterprise is flooded by Orangejuice and the crew are in danger of drowning if
Captain Riker cannot drink enough of it in time.
2:19 DWORF - Mysterious machine failures continue. In a transporter cock-up
Worf and an away team return to the Enterprise only half size and Dr Crusher
is unable to stop them shrinking steadily, while Selar/Keleyr is too upset to
be of assistance. Meanwhile the Geordis who have put the rest of Engineering
out of a job investigate the breakdowns.
2:20 HIV POSITIVE - A war with the Romulans is narrowly avoided as Captain
Riker uses his mediatory skills to defuse an explosive situation. This was
caused by the transmission of the AIDS virus to the Romulan race by an
Enterprise crewmember during an illict sex session.
2:21 TELEPHONE CALL - Worf, still half size, runs out of patience with the
Enterprise's telephones. Every time he tries to ring his parents to tell them
of his unfortunate plight, he finds the phone is either broken, engaged, out
of use, or occupied. Finally in a Klingon rage, Worf smashes them all up. He
is becalmed up security officer Tasha Yar and the first officer Picard lets
Worf use his own private phone to make the call.
JEB (Executive Producer on 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This definitely
mirrors my own frustration with the telephones where I work."
2:22 QUESTIONS - Q returns, and at last we witness the confrontation between
Guinan and the mysterious episode. As the producer commented "This is a
classic piece of writing, and at last we ask a lot of questions about the
relationship between Q and Guinan. Admittedly we don't answer any, but this
is deliberate. Not answering questions helps to weave a lovely tapestry of
mystery which we are so keen to build up in this series, and always leaves the
way open for a sequel should we see fit."
2:23 WHERE NO SKULL HAS GONE BEFORE - As Guinan had predicted, the Skull is
back. However, in its usual curiously cringing manner, it has come to make
peace. Negiotations however are upset by the arrival of a space cloud, wishing
to revenge itself upon the Skulls who are an ancient enemy due to persistent
efforts to make contact. Captain Riker is faced with a dilemma - to protect
Skulls or keep the Prime Directive. The producer: "We hadn't done a PD story
for a while, and this is the best yet!"
2:24 DELETING FILE SPACE - More mechanical break downs. This time it is Data
who goes wrong and almost flies the Enterprise into the Black Hole of Tartarus.
Dr Crusher can do little for the second officer; meanwhile Picard is annoyed to
get blackcurrant squash instead of Earl Grey Tea out of the continually
malfunctioning food dispenser. When Data wakes up, his memory is lost. He
doesn't recognise Tasha, and has to go back to basics.
2:25 RO-BOT - Mysterious mechanical hands pull switches in a mysterious cubed
shaped ship. On the Enterprise, Ensign Ro immediately goes bonkers and steers
the ship hard a starboard at warp nine. When Worf and Tasha finally overcome
Ro, the Enterprise is isolated, in a distant part of the galaxy, and Ro is
found to be a robot, controlled by outside influence. But who can it be?
2:26 BORGDOM - Riker hardly has time to consider the problem before the Borg
warp into view and demand, as usual their surrender. Riker sends Picard over
with Geordi to check out the Borg ship while he does the usual things like
rotate shields and reverse engines. Once there, one or two of the Geordis
find a machine breaking device the Borg used on the Enterprise to sap morale
and bring to the confrontation. Fortunately the Geordis work out how to turn
it on the Borg, who being part machine, break down themselves. They are just
in time to save the Enterprise, again.
Well did you like it??
There are more on their way to you...
| Reality is a strange and often dangerous place, visitors beware |
Steven Ellis |`If you were happy every day of you life, you
| wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game-
steven@XDML2.ico.olivetti.com | show host.' -- Winona Ryder "Heathers"
From: email@example.com (Steven Ellis)
Subject: Parody: Star Trek THE NEW GENERATION (continued..)
Keywords: Oh no theres more!!
Date: 2 Dec 91 15:44:38 GMT
Organization: Olivetti ATC; Cupertino, CA
Xref: moe.ksu.ksu.edu rec.arts.startrek:90015 alt.startrek.creative:1348
Well as promised to all those that mailed me...
Here are seasons 3-5..
Seasons 6 & 7 are in preperation to watch out!!
Warning : Once again there are many in-jokes relating to life at
York University, I hope you can get most of them.
JNT: This is the best season to date without question! I shall have to set
my alarm clock to remind me to come in from the garden to watch some of these
classics! A new race is introduced, and many return. Fantastic. Stay tuned!
Season Three of "Star Trek - The New Generation"
Written by: Jonathan Burt & Edward J. Lord
Produced by: John Nathan Turner
3:01 NANITE KINGDOM - In a homage to the brilliant opener to the third season
of "Next Generation", the Nanites return - and this time they bringing their
brother the Ganites. Together they reap havoc with the Enterprise computer,
but meet their match with the now naive and stupid Data, whose wiped brain
contains the properties to kill Nanites. In so doing, Data miraculously
recovers his memory much to the delight of Lt Commander Tasha Yar.
3:02 "BONES" - Dr Crusher and Dr Selar/Keleyr go off on a trip with the
Medical Officer's Outing Society to visit the hallowed ground where Doctor
Leonard McCoy, Saint of Starfleet, was laid to rest. When they get there, it
is realized that Beverly is in desperate need of a bone graft, and the only
bones at hand are those of Leonard McCoy - can Selar resolve so hideous a
3:03 TRICORDER READING - A day in the life of a tricorder. Today it is
lucky enough to be chosen by Beverly Crusher for a self-diagnostic.
(JNT: We continue the run of "everyday" episodes. It is fascinating just what
a tricorder gets up to in a day. There is some interesting camera angles too)
3:04 AN UNEARTHLY FERENGI - During peace negiotiations after the Condom War,
the Enterprise witnesses the first illicit breeding of a Ferengi and a human.
3:05 SENTINENT SAUCEPAN - Riker's obsession with home cooking takes on a new,
eerie aspect when his Banzite saucepan is overheated and comes magically to
3:06 MIRACLES - At last success for Tasha and Data as their first child is on
its way. Other miracles occur too - the remains of Ensign Ro reassemble and
become human and Lt Comm O'Brien turns up at Ten Forward, none the worse!
What is more he claims never to have been away and remarks "The whole Universe
knows I'm indestructible!"
3:07 QUING FOR A DRINK - The omnipotent Q returns once more after the newly
resurrected Lt Comm O'Brien foolishly cracks the joke in Ten Forward, "if I
had the power of Q, I wouldn't need to queue!" Q turns O'Brien into a brown
ale bottle, and has a party, but soon relents.
3:08 PLASTIC PULASKI - Kate Pulaski's visit to the Enterprise coincides with
an unfortunate practical joke played on Riker by Worf. When she finds the
inflatable sex toy in Riker's room, her renowned temper explodes, and even
Commander Picard cannot calm her down.
3:09 THE THREE DOCTORS - The three Doctors, Crusher, Pulaski and Selarkeleyr,
go on holiday to Risa. There Beverly's purchase of a Horgon attracts a
mysterious admirer ...
3:10 JACK'S BACK - Jack Crusher turns out to be alive and well, and working on
a bar on Risa. His only comment to Beverly's frantic inquiries is to the
effect that the whole Universe knows that he is indestructible. He agrees to
take on a bar job on the Enterprise.
3:11 THE BEARD - In a riproaring story, Wil Riker decides to shave off his
beard. After much agonizing and long conversations with Troi, Guinan and Jack
he changes his mind and takes up pottery instead.
(JNT: This character piece gives a unique insight into one of the most popular
characters in the series. It is also slightly autobiographical in that it
mirrors my own soul searching before I shaved off my own beard.
3:12 Q, Q, BARLEY, McGREW, CUTHBERT, DIBBLE AND GROVE - The five
aforementioned are Enterprise crewmembers put out of work by the Geordis. They
call on the Q continuum, to whom they had pacted their souls in "Qing for a
Drink", to help them extract their revenge ...
3:13 NURSERY - Stepping back from recent hectic events, we see the Enterprise
nursery in overcrowded operation - for James Riker is already showing some of
his father's natural talents ... Meanwhile Data is kitting out a nursery of
his own and Lal is getting rather jealous.
3:14 THE NAKED NOW (PART II) - The conclusion to the oddly unresolved second
episode of the original series. Jack realises his relationship with Guinan
has become more than merely professional and Picard and Beverly explore their
relationship in a more intimate manner.
(JNT: I had always thought that 'The Naked Now' was a poor story, but this
wraps things up perfectly! As for Jack and Guinan, what can I say? I am sure
that viewers will be hooked over their illicit love."
3:15 THE FATHERS - An action packed episode in which Beverly, realizing her
attraction to Jack is dwindling, plans to reveal the true identity of the
father of Wesley. Meanwhile Tasha goes into labour and the Geordis plan to
visit their long lost father, Scotty.
3:16 THE SONS - Beverly's information makes Picard look at Wesley in an
entirely new light. Meanwhile its a boy for Data and Tasha, and Scotty is
overwhelmed when the Geordis turn up on his doorstep.
(JNT: I am absolutely delighted with this episode, and I'm sure the viewers
will be too. The startling revelations about Picard in this episode help to
create more mystery about the character.)
3:17 BANANA REPUBLIC - The Enterprise makes optimistic contact with a yellow
planet torn by political strife and populated entirely by enourmous walking
(JNT: It was about time for a new race, and here they are! ILM have really
surpassed themselves with the Banana VFX. Viewers will love this subtle
3:18 FOR THE HEAD IS HOLLOW AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKULL - The Enterprise
warps to the Skullery, planet of the Skulls. There Terbo, the chief skull,
takes Jack hostage and tortures him with peculiar odours. Riker beams down
at high afternoon for an encounter with the Skull. He takes with him Ensign
Yo, Ensign Ro's sister. Meanwhile Wesley fails his pendulum examination.
The crisis is resolved when Riker steals the Skull's religious icon, a painting
of the Bones of Rucksack, and exchanges it for Jack.
(JNT: A Christmas cracker of an episode. There are lots of in jokes in it too,
and I think the Skulls are becoming one of the most persistent races yet!)
3:19 FUNERAL FOR THE CRUSHERS - Wesley dies after drowning his sorrows in
Romulan whisky. Jack falls out of an airlock while in a passionate clinch
with Guinan. Beverly is besides herself with grief, while Picard is besides
himself with relief ...
(JNT: A real tear-jerker.)
3:20 CHINACLAY - Recovering from yet another funeral, Riker throws himself
into his pottery. Unfortunately, he is using Banzite Restricted Use Clay,
which if too much is used, can take on sentinent life! It turns out that the
Ferengi and the Romulans have been after the clay for years and they now
attack the Enterprise while the clay vase goes on the rampage.
(JNT: This is an all action thriller. It is very interesting the way that
it is hinted that Banzite Clay was created by a man with thinning hair and a
Roman nose many thousands of years ago.)
3:21 ENGAGED - The Enterprise is engaged by Captain Riker to full warp speed,
while his first officer Picard gets hitched to widow Dr Crusher.
(JNT: This episode beats even 'Gone with the Wind' for tear-jerking romance!)
3:22 GORN, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN - The hostile Gorn are reintroduced, and they
kidnap Dr Daylan Quaist, Beverly's mentor. Picard declares that to interfere
would breach the Prime Directive and forbids Captain Riker from chasing. Oddly
Riker obeys his first officer. Even more oddly, all the Enterprise crew can't
remember a single detail of the incident.
3:23 BODYSWAP - Data conducts a strange experiment in which Lt Cmdr O'Brien
swaps bodies with Lt Cmdr Worf! This causes all kinds of problems, not least
with O'Brien's wife! Data races against time to reverse the process as Worf
is due to appear on the Klingon gameshow "Know Your P'tac", but obviously
cannot if he is really O'Brien.
(JNT: O'Brien and Worf are two very popular characters, which is why I am sure
that viewers will be thrilled with this episode. It is particularly amusing
that Worf is still only three foot tall, and so Keiko is taller than he! I am
very keen to develop Data as an eccentric professor, and this is the first step
along that road.)
3:24 DECK OF CARDASSIANS - There are only 52 Cardassians left after a terrible
war with the Ferengi. They appeal to Riker for help, but which is the Joker
in the pack?
3:25 I MARRIED A ROMULAN - In a bid to help Federation-Romulan relations, it
is decided that one of the Enterprise's officers must marry a Romulan. After
Worf steadfastly refuses, Troi gets the honour. Her husband is to be Commander
Tomalok and she is to leave at once. There are a fistful of moving scenes
before Deanna is finally bid farewell. Marina Sirtis leaves the programme with
this episode, while Majel Barrett guests as her mother.
(JNT: We are obviously very sorry to see Marina go, but once more this story
has a strong emphasis on family.)
3:26 TRIBBLES VS BORG - In this stunning season finale, two classic foes
return. Captain Riker's crew discover the frozen form of Harry Mudd floating
in space. Unfortunately he has a Tribble on his person, which soon multiplies.
It also transpires (as the Tribbles can now talk) that they have been waging
war against the Borg for centuries and are comandeering the Enterprise to
finish the job off.
(JNT: A real corker of an episode to finish the season off. Viewers may be
disappointed that the Borg don't actually appear in the episode, but I am sure
that seein Harry Mudd will ease their disappointment. Roll on next season!)
Season Four of 'Star Trek - The New Generation'
4:01 TRIBBLES VS BORG (PART II) - Arriving at the Borg planet, Relew, the
Tribbles, who have multiplied faster than the Geordis, force O'Brien to beam
them down to the surface where they indulge in fierce hand to hand battle with
the Borg. Harry Mudd, having had trouble with Tribbles, rescues some Borg from
the blood bath below. In gratitude they convert Mudd into Muddqutus. Riker,
fed up with Tribbles, Borgs, and the endless rantings of Muddqutus, warps away
leaving them all to it.
4:02 NEXT WEEK IS LESS THAN IDEAL - The Geordis fall asleep. A week later,
they wake up to find they have no arms or legs! What is more, everyone thinks
they have always been like that! Could it have something to do with the
nearby Romulan vessel? Or could the danger be closer to home?
(JNT: This is an excellent mystery story; who has got the Geordis' legs and
why? Pip and Jane have provided us with a classic tale.)
4:03 HOME ALONE - The diminutive Worf and his wife, Dr Selarkeleyr, return
to the Klingon homeworld for a ceremony to solemnize the return of Keleyr 4
years ago. However the homeworld seems to be abandoned, and Worf has to fulfil
his ambition to be Emperor. However, he is only Emperor for one day as the
other Klingons return from the seaside. Unfortunately it is enough time for
Worf to have declared war on the Romulans, and the Enterprise has to beam him
out of there in the nick of time.
4:04 JEHOVAH'S FERENGI - Reports about the increasing hostility of the Ferengi
do not match with observations of the Ferengi group travelling about the
Universe converting races to the Ferengi religion. Picard is sent to
investigate, but is strangely reticent about his findings.
4:05 DATA PROTECTION - A high ranking Starfleet Admiral wants to dismantle
Data as he claims he is a threat to the future stability of the Universe. This
Admiral Lor Datasbro seems to have a personal vendetta against the android, and
it is up to Picard and Riker to find out what it is before it is too late.
(JNT: This story features some stunning special effects which I am sure viewers
will love. As for the surprise villain, I am sure the viewers will be
delighted when they find out who it is).
4:06 KEIKO'S CAKE COURSE - It is fast approaching Captain Riker's birthday,
and Chief O'Brien and Keiko decide to bake him a cake.
(JNT: A lovely character study, with only Keiko and O'Brien in it as they
examine O'Brien's warped nature since his resurrection.)
4:07 SKIN OF EVIL (PART II) - The Enterprise warps to pick up a group of
archaelogists trapped on the banned planet, Varga 2. Unfortunately Armus
disguises himself as a sleeping bag and gets on the ship with the rest of the
baggage. He wreaks havoc until Tasha causes him such confusion that he flies
off in a shuttlecraft to rest. The Enterprise loses contact with him.
(JNT: A bleak episode, but I felt Armus had such potential that I had to bring
him back. As for where the shuttlecraft has gone - who knows? Stay tuned!)
4:08 REVENGE OF THE ROMULANS - After suffering Deanna Troi for a few months,
the Romulans have tired of her constant harping on about suffering, sin and
emotion. Tomalok is particularly fed up of her observations about his
repressed childhood. They decide to take revenge on the Enterprise. It is
Commander Picard they most hate so they decide to kidnap him and place him
in a holodeck with only Deanna and Lwaxana for company. Meanwhile Riker and
Data search for clues to Picard's whereabouts. Data, using his refined sense
of smell, concludes Picard is on Romulus and the two launch a daring rescue,
which is not entirely successful as they bring Deanna back too.
(JNT: It is great to have Marina back as the show was missing her amazing
4:09 PIKE STAFF - The Enterprise encounters another rift in space through
which the original Enterprise emerges, NCC 1701, commanded by Captain Chris
Pike. Magically the two crews swap positions.
(JNT: I love continuity, and this aspect is strongest in this fantastic tale!)
4:10 GENESIS OF THE FERENGI - A time travel story. Hearing rumours about an
impending Ferengi invasion, the officers on the Enterprise find the ship being
hurled back in time by a mysterious figure to prevent the development of this
aggressive trait in the Ferengi. Once there, Riker is amazed to find that the
renowned villain Amster is in fact the Ferengi Prime. Riker must agonize over
the moral consequences before he blows Amster away with a Phaser. In so doing,
the captain hopes to have changed the future for the better. However as the
Enterprise departs, a mysterious figure looms over Amster's corpse ...
(JNT: I have had a lot of mail asking for more Ferengi episodes, and I can
exclusively reveal that this is the first of a batch. Amster fans, don't worry
though, despite seeming to be killed here, he will be back!! Stay tuned!)
4:11 GIANT GEORDI - The Geordis vote to become one entity once more. However
the conversion process goes a bit wrong, and although Geordi was one again, he
is now 39 feet tall. He must sleep in the corridor as he keeps hitting his
head on the ceiling, but all the women want to get to know him.
4:12 GUINAN'S DAUGHTERS - Guinan goes into an easy labour with Jack Crusher's
children. Once born the girls (Mell and Well) grow up incredibly fast. At the
same time, the Enterprise's systems start to fail. Are the girls' birth and
the ship's problem connected? Riker believes so, but is struck down by a
deadly virus before he can act. One by one, the crew fall until only Guinan,
Well, Mell and Commander Picard are left ...
(JNT: Viewers have often commented on how much they have enjoyed the 2nd
season opener of the classic series "The Child", so I have decided to reuse
some of the same elements here. It's a cracking episode, one which reveals a
lot of Picard and Gunian's relationship."
There then follows what JNT refers to as his 'Ferengi Trilogy':
4:13 PLANET OF THE FERENGI
4:14 TERROR OF THE FERENGI
4:15 FATE OF THE FERENGI
In these episodes, Amster, magically revived, journeys to the Ferengi Homeworld
to install himself once more as the Ferengi Prime. It transpires that the
Ferengi are a collective being, and Amster uses this aspect of them to mount
a revenge attack on the Enterprise. The Enterprise crew are under stress, and
it is not a good time to be attacked by the Ferengi. The Ferengi capture the
ship and install Amster as its commander. Wesley, trying to contact his
mother, realizes something is wrong and so sets off to help. Amster is
revealed to be none other than the supposed Betazoid Tam Elbrom (from "Tinman")
with amazing new powers as the Ferengi Prime, who has distorted the Ferengi's
time-line for his own purposes. The Enterprise crew face a massive task - they
must defeat Tam the Ferengi and restore the past to it proper order ...
4:16 TAIL TALE - Q has been learning French, in which 'queue' means tail. Q
therefore decides it would be a nice idea if all the Enterprise crew had tails
too to celebrate this linguistic coincidence.
4:17 PEACE OF CAKE - Keiko bakes a cake to bring together Klingons and
Romulans who are still at war after Worf's intervention. Having secured peace
through a pacifying ingredient in her cake, Keiko is hailed as Peacemaker of
4:18 RETURN TO EDO - Wesley, who was magically seen alive in "Fate of the
Ferengi" turns out to have been resurrected specially by the God of the Edo to
open negiotations for the Federation with the Edo. Condoms, after the great
Condom War, are again the central issue. Fortunately the Edo are specialists
in this field.
4:19 BEVERLY'S BABIES - A family episode. Beverly is seen preparing to have
Picard's baby, looking after James Riker, her son from Captain Riker and
getting to know her eldest child Wesley again after his resurrection.
4:20 THE MARRIAGE - Captain Riker has the honour of joining Commander Picard
and Dr Beverly Crusher in holy matrimony. However peeping Tom, Worf, trying to
learn a thing or two to impress Dr Selerkeleyr, almost spoils the wedding
4:21 BANANA SKINS - The Enterprise warps to the Banana Republic to take on
board a Banana delegation. Unluckily it transpires that this is where Armus,
the skin of evil, landed his shuttle craft, and it looks as though the surface
of the Republic is covered in rotting banana skins ...
4:22 THE PLANET OF MYSTERY -
(JNT: This is no less than the 100th episode, and it is a roaring, romping
90 minute advantage in which every single old enemy - the Ultimate Computer,
the Borg, the Bananas - return!!)
A mysterious forcefield drags the Enterprise to a mysterious dark planet. As
the forcefield seems to emanate from a mysterious dark tower, Riker decides to
beam all his officers to the mysterious planet to investigate. Mysteriously,
they encounter and mysteriously overcome every old enemy they have faced. A
mysterious Romulan consul, T'Pot, reveals the tower is known as the Tower of
Pick Card and is the source of great power. Picard looks rather shifty, but
points out the difference in spelling. The crew must get into the dark tower
to switch off the forcefield, but who is really manipulating them?
4:23 FALL OF TROI - Captain Riker is overwhelmed with joy when he discovers
that the Bananas have reached Betazoid and some have survived Armus' attack.
Unluckily the Bananas have declared war on the Betazoids over unjust banana
prices at market, and are winning. The House of Troi falls and Picard must
rescue Lwaxana before the Bananas get her ...
4:24 PROMOTIONS - As a belated gesture of true thanks for all the work they
have done, Starfleet promotes everyone on the Enterprise. Picard is captain
once more, and picks the diminutive Worf as his new first officer. Only
Ensigns Ro and Yo refuse their new commissions.
4:25 GUT FEELING - Admiral Riker can finally leave Captain Picard to guide
the vessel and he returns to his natural instincts for a while. But they need
honing as Lesley Ben, the woman he dates, is more interested in sharp action
than any other form of action. For once, Riker's gut feelings have misled him.
4:26 DAYLIGHT BORGERY - The Enterprise finds the Borg are trying to capture
Armus from the planet of the Bananas. However, as always, the Borg turn their
attention away to the Enterprise when it arrives and activate a sharp cutting
beam. Admiral Riker and Captain Picard frantically rack their brains as the
atmosphere of the ship drains into the void of space and the Borg prepare to
at last assimilate the Enterprise into their culture ...
(JNT: A wonderful way to end the season. I love the way that continuity is
maintained with the return of the Borg once more!)
Season Five of "Star Trek - The New Generation"
5:01 BORGEORDI - As the Borg rip apart the Enterprise, the officers rack their
brains for a solution. Finally Commander Picard suggests that they beam over
giant Geordi from his isolation in a corridor to see what he can do. When he
gets there, giant Geordi literally rips apart the Borg ship and defeats them.
In being beamed back, he is reduced to normality for the first time since
"Geordis" and is surrounded by congratulatory crewmates.
5:02 RO, RO, RO YOUR BOAT - Ensign Ro has been watching old logs of the
Enterprise NCC1701/A. She is influenced by James T. Kirk's rendition of Row,
Row, Row Your Boat Gently Down the Stream in the events about Sybok and decides
to steal the Enterprise D to enact her own scene thus. Her singing is so bad
that Captain Picard is forced to evacuate the bridge as Ro warps off. Luckily
Ensign Yo is able to withstand the frequency and she seizes Ro, although Yo
dies in the attempt. It transpires that Ro was gripped by a mysterious power.
5:03 LA FORGE'S LOCKS - Geordi is enjoying normality again when he is struck
by a mysterious radiation which makes his hair grow. It is uncontrollable and
Geordi is inconsolate at looking like a Space Hippy.
5:04 BLACK AND WHITE MINISTREL - A mystery disease strikes the Enterprise in
which the crews' skin colour begins to change. Picard traces it back to Guinan
who is contaminating the crew with her own illness - in "Clues" she is seen to
have white legs, and this disorder has become contagious.
5:05 ANGEL TWO - Returning to the Angel system, the Enterprise visits the
second world. This planet is dominated entirely by lustful men, who promptly
kidnap all the women from the ship. The male crew are forced to beam down
under the command of an enraged Commander Data to indulge in hand to hand
combat to retrieve their mates.
5:05 DUSTBIN - A quiet episode following Worf's reorganization of rubbish
procedures on the Enterprise. Still being only three foot tall, he gets
mangled after falling into the disposal shute, but his wife, Dr Selarkeleyr, is
able to save him.
5:07 QBED ROOT - Q reappears and whisks the Enterprise back to the mysterious
dark planet. Riker and an uncomfortable Picard realize that Q is creating the
Banana race on the planet below, but he has a firm-voiced accomplice, who
orders Q to transport the Bananas to the Banana Republic in order to disguise
his own identity.
JNT: "A delicious mystery is building up - who really created the Bananas and
why? And how can he command Q?"
5:08 TIN HAT - Tam Elbrom, alias Amster the Ferengi Prime, returns to the
Enterprise. Due to some amazing new powers, he is able to cause subsidence in
the ship's ceiling and Admiral Riker is forced to order everyone to wear tin
hats to combat this evil.
5:09 THE LANDING - While warping back to Starbase 645 for ceiling repairs, the
Enterprise is attacked by vengeful Ferengi. Further damage, Riker is forced
to land the entire ship on the Banana Republic, but it proves to be a slippery
5:10 HUMDRUM EXISTENCE - Mr Hum returns, having substituted himself for Mr Hom.He hates Worf and Geordi for capturing him four years earlier, so Hum attacks
the small Worf and beats him up easily. However, luckily, Geordi is able to
use his manipulative hair to trip Hum up and Riker court martials Hum for being
a traitor to Betazoid.
5:11 SWEET SIXTEEN - Riker is frustrated when Troi leaves him for a Vulcan.
Solace is at hand, however, from Guinan's new barmaid, 16 year old Busty.
Riker gets on with the job in hand, but is further frustrated when Picard has
to reprimand him for conduct unbecoming an Admiral.
5:12 VENGEANCE OF THE FERENGI - Geordi's father Scotty comes aboard to pay his
long haired son a visit. Amongst other things he reveals that Uhura was the
mother of Geordi and that he knew of the Ferengi 80 years ago but was dissuaded
from mentioning it by a shadowy figure whose voice suggested a Shakespearean
background. The Ferengi turn up to take revenge on Scotty for a past crime
against the Ferengi race and in the resulting crossfire, Scotty dies, but not
before he can whisper to Riker "Picard - Ferengi - Bananas" with his last
breath. (JNT: "Stunning revelations abound in this episode. How could Scotty
have known about the Ferengi, and who was the shadowy figure?")
5:13 VASH PROMISES - Vash visits and is extremely upset to find Picard has
married Dr Beverly Picard. She fights with Beverly, but the Dr manages to get
the upper hand by stabbing Vash with a tranquilizer.
5:14 APPLICATION OF DOOM - The Romulans make a concerted effort to break up
the Federation by smuggling someone on board the Enterprise. The chosen man,
Pro-consul Hemlock, is so convincing a human that he passes the interviews
with ease. He is given a job as ship's chef.
5:15 THE INFILTRATOR - Hemlock starts to poison Riker's food, and Worf realizeswhat is going on. He is too small to stop Hemlock, however, but Picard phasers
the Romulan in time to save the Enterprise. However a Warbird decloaks and
cripples the Enterprise with an amazing new weapon ...
5:16 SKELETON IN THE CUPBOARD - The Enterprise crew are suffering from
leukemia after the Romulan attack with a radiation weapon. They desperately
need a bone graft so Riker hails a passing Skull ship and after some problems
the Skulls supply the necessary bone material to save the crew.
5:17 SINGING A SOONG - Dr Soong wasn't killed by Lor in "Brothers" but instead
it is revealed Data helped him to an escape pod. Now Soong returns, singing
"The whole Universe knows I'm indestructible." Lor takes over the Enterprise,
but Soong sings at such a high frequency that Lor crumbles into nothingness.
(JNT: A fantastic continuity episode. Viewers will delight in Brent's three
fold performance - I love the way which we've already used the idea in episode
three of this season!! Great continuity!)
5:18 THE DEADLY STATUE - Riker moulds some Banzite material into a Statue,
which of course comes alive. As it rampages around the Enterprise, Ferenig
and Romulan ships once more decloak and demand its surrender.
(JNT: This story has many similarities with the Dr Who classic "Silly Nemesis".I am very glad to reuse some of the ideas here again!)
5:19 MELLOW YELLOW - Political bust-up on the Banana Republic. Rebel Bananas
attempt to overthrow the regime who appeal to Captain Picard for help. But
oddly, Picard is loath to assist and switches Data off for suggesting otherwise.
5:20 CHOCKY - Deanna's love for chocolate comes close to costing her her life
when she swallows a portion of Banzite expanding chocolate. She is about to
explode when Picard miraculously heals her and beats up Riker for asking how he
5:21 MILES APART - In a horrific accident, Lt Cmdr O'Brien's limbs and head
are blown off, but he seems oddly unbothered. Beverly cannot reconstruct him,
but her husband Picard mysteriously can. Picard glues Beverly's mouth together
in Ten Forward when she is about to reveal this miracle.
5:22 KLINGFILM - The Tholians are now the film makers of the Universe and they
want to make a documentary about the Klingons. The only surviving Emperor
willing to talk to them is Worf (see "Home Alone") but he is too small and the
Tholians cannot be bothered to build a miniature set. Picard magically restoresWorf to full size to resolve the dilemma, and excuses himself by pretending to
be a film buff.
5:23 THE CUTTING EDGE - Geordi's hair is running amock but Picard provides a
pair fo Banzite scissors with which Geordi can control his hair within bounds.
Picard hyponotizes Geordi to stop him telling the barber, Mr Mott, about the
5:24 WILL HE STAY OR WILL HE GO? - Admiral Riker is recalled to Starfleet
Command where he is offered a job to control the growing space piracy problem.
He agonizes over whether to depart, but eventually leaves the Enterprise.
5:25 SUDDENLY HUMAN, AGAIN - Data is tapping a power source provided by a
mysterious shadowy assistant. Data succeeds in creating a machine which
turns machines into living matter - the toaster becomes intolerable after such
treatment. Data turns it on himself and becomes at last a human. He announces
he is to be called Jock McData, and is now a Scottish Jew. The shadowy figure
(JNT: I decided Data was very stereotyped as an android, so I have fulfilled hiswish to be human!)
5:26 Qs and As - In an absolutely stunning season climax, Q returns to the
Enterprise and kidnaps Picard. Taking him to a planet of volcanoes, Q taunts
Picard to escape without losing his temper - for every fit of fury causes a
tremendous explosion of lava killing some inhabitants. Meanwhile Commander
McData is adjusting to humanity. Another Q turns up to offer assistance if
McData will hammer a nail up his nose ... On the planet, Picard is winning!
He eventually banishes Q and he himself flies off, claiming to be P of the
P continuum, an older and wiser continuum than that of the Q. It was P who
created the Banana race, dissuaded Scotty from mentioning Ferengis and created
the omnipotent Banzite materials. The crew is stunned as P goes into orbit
round a sun.
(JNT: At last! The culmination of all I have been working for! I disliked the
Picard character, whom I felt to be too authoritative, and now the truth about
Picard has been revealed, there is no point in keeping him on. This sets up
an excellent new season, with McData now captain, and no P in control!)
Be warned there is more to come....
Let us know what you think, good bad or indifferent??
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