AOH :: TREK-083.TXT|
"Just Like Old Times" TNG parody
From: email@example.com (Matt Riggsby)
Subject: Another parody
Date: 17 Feb 92 05:42:56 GMT
Organization: Boston University
This is something that's been kicking around the back of my account
for several months, growing a few words every time I looked at it. Some of
the jokes may be kinda dated by now (or already used by somebody who posts
faster than me), but I'm still amused. Enjoy. Please don't write me in as
a Republican presidential candidate in the Missouri primary.
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES
(Another damn parody)
EXTERIOR, NCC1701-D in orbit around a planet.
Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, stardate 8594.54. We are in orbit around
the planet Taos IV to attempt contact with the planet's reclusive
natives. While they are known for their great creativity, they
have an aversion to sharing it with the rest of the galaxy. So
far, they seem unwilling to speak with us.
CUT TO: INTERIOR, the bridge. Regular crew, regular places.
Troi: I sense...unwillingness to speak with us.
Picard: Thank you, councilor.
Whorf: Sir, they refuse to answer our hailing messages.
Picard: Even my offers to surrender?
Whorf: Yes, sir. Permission to fire phasers.
Picard: No, Whorf.
Whorf (muttering): Pansy.
Riker: Perhaps you're not adjusting your uniform enough when you stand up.
Data: Captain, I'm picking up something on the sensors. A Ferengi cruiser
Picard: Ferengi? Hmmm...this could be serious. Whorf, open a channel and
tell them that I surrender...no, wait. Just open a channel.
(Q appears wearing an old Starfleet uniform)
Q: Ah, bonjour, mon capitain!
Bridge crew (except Data): Q!
Data: Norm! (looks puzzled)
Q: Mais oui, mon capitain. Est-que vous avez de Gray Poupon?
Riker: What's he saying?
Picard: Oh, the usual superior-alien-going-to-judge-us lines.
Q: Psycho killer, c'est-que c'est? Liberte, fraternite, egalite!
Picard: What do you mean, you're just going to send us down the path we've
Troi: Captain, I sense...a hackneyed plot device.
Q: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? J'aime Paris!
Data: I hate it when that happens.
Riker: What was that last thing he said?
Picard: I'm not sure. Something about making castinets out of our testicles
already. (male crew members defensively cross their legs) We'd
best be ready for anything.
(elevator door opens, TOS crew steps out)
Kirk: Spock, where the hell are we?
Spock (looks around): Fascinating, captain. We appear to be on a spacegoing
Picard: Who are you?
Kirk: I'm Captain James T. Kirk, commanding officer of the starship
Picard: You can't be! I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I'm the commanding
officer of the starship Enterprise.
Whorf: Captain, I'm confused. Permission to kick some ass.
Picard: No, Whorf.
McCoy: Jim! This man is a Klingon!
Troi: I sense...great silliness.
McCoy (looking at Data): And this man's been painted yellow.
Data: No, sir. I am an android, a mechanical device designed to be identical
to a human being.
Sulu: Hence the funny skin tone?
Data: I suppose so. But rest assured, doctor, I am actually a machine. I am
just ACTING (makes sweeping gesture) like a human. (looks puzzled).
Kirk: A machine acting like a human. That anything like an intelligent
Data: Exactly, sir.
(Kirk gives Data a long, hard look)
Wesley (on intercom): Engineering to Captain!
Kirk and Picard: What is it? (glare at each other)
Picard: Shut up, Wesley. Go ahead.
Wesley (on intercom): Captain, somebody just appeared in the engineering
section. I can't understand a word he's saying. He seems to be using
a dialect composed entirely of glottal stops.
Scotty (on intercom): Aye, Captain, Ah canna figure oot what the've doon to
me puir wee bairns. It lueks lak the've been put t'ge'er by a blind
LaForge: (offended) Hey...
Scotty (on intercom): Ah mean, Ah could do bet'r wi' a hair clip over ma
LaForge: (really offended) Hey!
Whorf: Captain, the Ferengi are hailing us.
Kirk and Picard: Put it on the screen. (glare at each other)
(Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications console. Whorf, the more
experienced fighter, puts Uhura down long enough to open a channel.
Kirk poses. Picard adjusts his uniform. One of those damn
sniveling hyper-capitalists appears on the main screen.)
Ferengi captain: Ah, Picard-captain, who is thisss ssstrange man next to you
who doesss not adjussst hisss uniform? What hasss he got in hisss
Kirk: I am captain James T. Kirk, commander of the starship Enterprise.
Picard: Are not.
Kirk: Are too.
Ferengi: It doesss not matter what sssilly tricksss your sssocialissst
Federation triesss. We will buy exclusssive rightsss to the many
pretty artworksss of Taosss IV. The Ferengi claim thisss planet asss
exclusssive trade area. You mussst buzz off, or we will sssend many
lawyersss after you! Yesss, preciousss...
Picard: We've got a few lawyers of our own, so we'll see about that. You'll
be hearing from us soon--
Kirk: (breaks in) Enterprise out.
(Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications board again. Uhura gets in a low
blow. Whorf writhes in pain on the ground while Uhura shuts off the
Riker (helping Whorf up): Are you all right?
Whorf: (speaking an octave or so higher) A warrior can (coughs, voice
returns to normal) A warrior can withstand any pain. Quite a woman,
(the commanding officers take their respective advisors aside)
Kirk: So what do you think?
Spock: A most disturbing situation, Captain. We appear to be on an entirely
different Enterprise. We can expect to find situations which will be
familiar but which we will not completely recognize.
McCoy: I bet there are even women on board you haven't slept with. Yet.
Kirk: And I don't even know how many people's lives on this ship depend on
MY decisions. Spock, get to work on it. Bones, I want a full checkup
of everyone on board. Sulu, lay in a course and lock phasers. Uhura,
get me Starfleet. Someone have Scotty get me some more power. Mr.
Checkov...scream in pain or something.
Chekov: Ah, screaming in pain. It was inwented by Boris the Sissy.
Picard: A most complex situation indeed, don't you think, Number One?
Riker: This must have been what Q was talking about, but I still don't
Picard: Hmmm...yes. Councilor, what do you think?
Troi: I sense...I sense...
Troi: I sense...a commercial break.
Riker: A what?
FANFARE, CUT TO MRS. FLETCHER
FADE TO: The Big E still orbiting, first in one direction, then in the other.
Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, supplemental. The appearance of the crew
of the original Enterprise has greatly complicated an already sensitive
situation...(sounds of struggle)
Kirk (voiceover): The Ferengi have taken up an orbit near our own and are
attempting to contact Taos IV while our legal section is attempting
to evaluate their claim to exclusive rights...(more struggle)
Picard (voiceover): However, this has been slowed by Commander Data's recent
FADE TO: INTERIOR, corridor. Camera follows Picard, Riker, and Data. Heavy
metal can be heard faintly in the background.
Riker: How are the power-sharing negotiations going with Captain Kirk?
Picard: He's a difficult man to deal with. He is adamant in his demand that
he be responsible for the lives of 430 people, so we're trying to work
out which members of the crew are his. Haven't you been able to get
Whorf to turn down that music? I've been getting complaints from all
over C deck.
Riker: No, sir. I talked to him about it, but he refuses to stop playing
his records. He says that there can be no peace as long as Kirk lives.
Picard: I should have that brat Wesley work on some way of keeping the noise
down. Maybe that would keep him out of my hair.
Riker: What hair would that be, sir?
Data: Captain, aren't you being a little hard on the Beav? (all present
look puzzled by Data's question)
(Picard, Riker, and Data pass an elevator. As they do, the door opens and
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy get out and head down a different corridor. The
camera turns to follow them.)
Spock: ...and so, Captain, we appear to be the victims of an insidious plot
device, the likes of which even Mr. Scott could never build.
McCoy: You'd think that after hundreds of years we'd be civilized enough to
know better than this.
Spock: It has often been observed, doctor, that it is harder to create than
Kirk: Gentlemen, I suggest that we count our blessings. At least we're not
in a Western. What was that you were saying about the android, Mr.
Spock: Apparently, Commander Data has been acting very strangely since the
most recent appearance of this "Q" entity. He seems to be speaking in
non sequiturs. I am attempting to find a pattern in his behavior.
Kirk: Hmmm...any chance we can destroy him with illogic?
Spock: The odds against it are...
Kirk: Never mind.
(They enter Ten Forward. Camera pans to Uhura and LaForge sitting at a table)
Uhura: I think it's terrible, you being the only black officer on the bridge.
LaForge: (very surprised) WHAT?
Uhura: Shocking, isn't it? I mean, here we are in the middle of the twenty
LaForge: But...my parents told me we were Chinese! By the way, what are we
Uhura: It's something we confiscated from Harry Mudd the last time we had to
arrest him. It's tea.
LaForge: Earl Grey?
Uhura (nods): Hot.
FADE TO: INTERIOR, the bridge. Kirk and Picard are wedged into the captain's
chair. Uhura and Whorf are glaring at each other over a roll of barbed
wire that divides the communications panel in half. Sulu is sitting in
the helmsman's chair with Geordi looking over his shoulder. Checkov
sits on the arm of Data's chair. Spock stands in front of Riker's
chair while Riker leans to the side to see around him. McCoy is in
Troi's chair with an enormous grin on his face, a julep in his hand,
and Troi in his lap.
Picard: What is the status of the Ferengi vessel?
Data: They remain in the same orbit, captain. So far, their attempts to
contact the people of Taos IV have been unsuccessful, but they continue
to send hailing messages. And that's the way it is...
Picard: That's enough, Commander. Any luck with the legal section, Number
Riker: No, sir. They refuse to give us any information until we pay them
Picard: Ah, I see. And since we don't use money...
Kirk: Is this what we're destined to become, Spock? Is this what the future
holds for us? Are we to become so advanced that we lose sight of the
Most Fundamental Issues of Existance? We. Can Not. Allow. The
People. Of the Federation.
Riker (whisper to Spock): What's he talking about?
Spock: I believe it is an old Earth custom called "overacting." It is
something the captain is given to in time of stress.
Kirk (getting up and starting to pace): To Fall! Victim! To. This.
Disease! Of the Soul! (starts quoting the Massachusetts Motor Vehicle
Code, emphasizing every single word)
Riker (to Spock): Why does he do it?
Spock: I am unsure. I suspect it is due to its strong psychological effect
on female members of most humanoid species.
(enter Dr. Crusher in the midst of a dramatic pause)
Bev: Jean-Luc, I wanted to...
Kirk (creshendo): A MAXIMUM!!! OF A ONE! THOUSAND! DOLLAR! FINE! AND OR
ONE! YEAR! IN PRISON!!!!
Bev (blushes, ogles Kirk): Oh...
Riker: Isn't there something important you need do discuss with the captain,
Bev: Why, yes. (takes Kirk's hand and prances off the bridge with him,
tugging at the fastenings of her uniform)
LaForge: How does he do that?
Sulu: All I know is he gets laid every week and I don't even get a first name
until I'm fifty.
Checkov: Ah, animal magnetism. It was inwented by Ivan the Naughty.
Picard: This still gets us no closer to solving our legal problems.
McCoy: Why don't you just ask the lady here?
Picard: With all due respect to your heavily made up alter ego in our first
episode, doctor, what good would it do to consult a psychologist on a
Troi: I'm not a psychologist, I'm a lawyer! Where do you think I got the
Riker: Deanna, why didn't you say something earlier?
Troi: I hoped you'd get the hint when I did nothing but state the blindingly
obvious all the time.
Picard (wearily attempts to run his hand through his hair, fails): If you
think you can provide us with an avenue for legal action, then make it
Kirk (sticks head through door): Don't you mean make OUT?
CUT TO ED McMAHON
FADE TO: Same confused orbit as last time. Da fanfare music.
CUT TO: Interior, briefing room.
Spock: Having reviewed the Enterprise's historical records, I believe that I
am now able to understand what actions Q has taken to place us here.
The most important clue was Commander Data's strange behavior.
Data: Was it my tendency to substitute the name "Wilbur" for "Wesley"?
Spock: Among other things. I have isolated a pattern in your pecularities
of speech. These patterns have a high degree of correlation with
television shows from the later part of Earth's twentieth century.
Scotty: But Mr. Spock, how does tha' explain Q's warning or our appearance
Spock: It would appear that Q has taken advantage of the similarities between
the old and new series. For example, both have a half-alien and an
extremely intelligent character with no emotions. Several old plots
were revived in this ship's early missions, notably a dissapointing
retelling of "Naked Time." Commander Data's circuits are particularly
sensitive to distubances of this nature. His use of other tag lines is
caused by a general low-level leakage between television programs.
Picard: But our people have been working to move away from the old series.
We're far less violent and have occasion for fewer conflicts between
Spock: True, but our two casts seem to be operating under a curious form of
attraction to each other, much like two stars orbiting each other.
Consider that attempts have also been made by the executive officer
to emulate Captain Kirk's hypermasculinity complex. (Riker shifts
uncomfortably, thankful at least that he got rid of the beard) And
once this cast seemed on the way to establishing its own identity, the
old cast began linkages to it on their own. Witness, for example, the
appearance of Whorf's ancestor during Captain Kirk's last voyage and
the remodeling of Starfleet discussed during peace negotiations with
the Klingon empire.
LaForge: So what you're saying is that we've become so similar that Q was
able to combine our two worlds.
Spock: Exactly. He has set our storylines on a disastrous collision course
which neither cast is likely to survive.
Kirk: Unless...we can find some way of separating ourselves again.
Spock: Our time is limited. I estimate that unless we are able to separate
ourselves into two distinct literary entities soon, our appearance
in this continuity will be irreversable. Any action taken by any of us
must be made with reference to the actions of the other cast. The
difficulty of operating under such complex continuity will soon become
too much for the fabric of space to bear, and the world as we know it
shall come to an end.
Data: How long do we have to formulate a solution to this problem?
Spock: We are being forced to adhere to a strangely subjective time
structure, periods between what have been called "commercial breaks."
Several have passed. Should two more go by without a solution to
our problem, our two worlds will be irreversably fused.
Picard: Our course is clear, then. It is imperative that we contact the
people of Taos IV and acquire a new plotline from them.
(tweedleoop noises from the intercom)
Uhura (over intercom): Captain...
Picard and Kirk: Yes? (they glare at each other)
Uhura (intercom): We've just intercepted a transmission from Taos IV to the
Kirk: What did it say?
(Scuffle noises from the intercom)
Whorf (intercom): Taos IV has just accepted an exclusive contract to provide
the Ferengi with stories about stockbrokers.
Picard: Damn. We'll be on the bridge in a moment.
CUT TO: Bridge. Everybody where they were last time, except Scotty is at the
engineering station and Dr. Crusher is standing next to the captain's
chair (Kirk's side, of course). The communications panel is now
surrounded by sandbags and Uhura and Whorf are wearing helmets.
Picard: How did the Ferengi establish contact?
Whorf: They made an offer of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. A check of our
computer records indicates that those are commodities often used to get
the attention of artists.
Kirk: Any chance we could use the same tactic?
Uhura: No, sir. Taos IV has already signed an exclusive contract with the
Ferengi. That contract would have to be broken for us to initiate
negotiations. We'll have to deal directly with the Ferengi.
Kirk: Any word from them?
Uhura: Only a catalog order form, sir. They refuse to sell customized plot
lines without specific negotiation.
Picard: How long would that take?
Whorf: At least two weeks, sir.
Spock (shakes his head): According to my calculations, we are already nearing
the next commercial break. It should occur at some time within the
next ten lines and will be proceeded by a dramatic chord.
Riker: So we're doomed to spend the rest of our stories linked together.
Picard: But we can buy ourselves some time if we don't deliver dialogue.
Nobody say anything. Mr. Whorf, put me on the intercom. Every line is
Whorf: Yes, sir...oops, sorry sir.
(tweedelyoop noises, Picard adjusts uniform, Kirk poses)
Picard: This is the captain speaking.
Kirk: No, THIS is the captain speaking.
Picard: Our supply of dialogue is severely limited...
Kirk: So all crew members will refrain from unnecessary conversation. That
is all. (signals to cut communications)
Wesley: Gee, hi guys!
All: Shut up, Wesley!
CUT TO CHIA WOMBAT
CUT TO: Interior, bridge. Same as before the cut to commercial.
Spock: We are now on the last interval before the final commercial break.
Picard: And it appears that we have been checkmated by the Ferengi.
Kirk (gets a bright idea): No...no, not checkmated. You're thinking about
the wrong game. Not chess...
Spock: Poker, captain?
Kirk: No, not poker either...
Bev (hopefully): Strip poker?
Kirk: What our...
Chekov: Are you sure it's not chess?
Kirk: No, look...
Whorf: Squad Leader?
Kirk: I mean...
LaForge: Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
McCoy: Trivial Pursuit is more like it.
Kirk: The way that...
All: SHUT UP, WESLEY!
Kirk: If we...what the hell was I talking about?
Spock: Games, sir.
Kirk: Oh, right. Not chess, Mr. Spock. (poses, dramatic chord) Space
Picard: (pause) What?
Spock: An old Earth video game, I recall. It involves massive destruction
for the sheer joy of destruction.
Kirk: Spock, am I correct in guessing that all we have to do in order to
break the linked plot lines is to perform some action that will
distinguish our cast from theirs?
Spock: That would seem to follow.
Kirk. And what is it that we do which the Next Generation cast has repeatedly
shown themselves incapable of?
Spock: Violence, captain?
Kirk: Exactly, Mr. Spock! Senseless violence! Random destruction to the
exclusion of stories inserted to develop the minor characters.
Mr. Checkov, raise shields. Mr. Sulu, lock phasers and photons on the
Ferengi vessel. Have security toss Wesley out the airlock.
Whorf: ALL RIGHT! (grabs Wesley and heads for the elevator)
Picard: You can't do this!
Kirk: Ah, but I can. (pulls out phaser) I'm afraid that we'll have to rid
ourselves of some extraneous cast members. Sorry, Captain Picard,
Commander Riker, but you're both wearing red shirts.
Data: Captain Kirk, I am afraid that I cannot allow you to harm my commanding
Kirk: Spock, plan B.
(Spock hands a small card to Data)
Data (reading from card): "The statement on the other side of this card is
false." (turns card over) "The statement on the other side of this card
is true." (starts flipping card back and forth, increasing speed.
Eventually, smoke comes out of his ears and he falls apart)
Picard: I cannot believe that you would kill another Starfleet officer,
Kirk: I don't intend to, Captain Picard. However, I do plan to have Mr.
Scott beam you into an altenate story where you'll be harmlessly doing
Pontiac commercials and Charles Dickens readings. We'll keep the minor
characters on as extras. Mr. Scott? Mr. Spock? If you could take
care of these two?
(they escort Picard and Riker to the elevator)
Sulu: Phasers locked, sir.
Kirk: Excellent. Open fire.
(They do. The Ferengi ship explodes artistically. Troi and Dr. Crusher look
on with lust.)
Chekov: Direct hit, keptin!
McCoy: Y'know, this could happen to us again, Jim. There's a lot of
potential series out there.
Kirk: We'll just have to face the threats as they come, Bones. In the
meantime, there'll be lines enough for everybody. Mr. Sulu,
set course for Deep Space Nine, warp factor two.
Sulu: Warp factor two, sir.
(fanfare, cut to end credits with scenes of old episodes)
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