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From: fongg@bucrsb.bu.edu (Matt Riggsby)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Another parody
Message-ID: <98886@bu.edu>
Date: 17 Feb 92 05:42:56 GMT
Sender: news@bu.edu
Distribution: usa
Organization: Boston University
Lines: 666


	This is something that's been kicking around the back of my account
for several months, growing a few words every time I looked at it.  Some of
the jokes may be kinda dated by now (or already used by somebody who posts
faster than me), but I'm still amused.  Enjoy.  Please don't write me in as
a Republican presidential candidate in the Missouri primary.  


                              JUST LIKE OLD TIMES
                             (Another damn parody)

ACT I

EXTERIOR, NCC1701-D in orbit around a planet.

Picard (voiceover):  Captain's Log, stardate 8594.54.  We are in orbit around
        the planet Taos IV to attempt contact with the planet's reclusive
        natives.  While they are known for their great creativity, they
        have an aversion to sharing it with the rest of the galaxy.  So
        far, they seem unwilling to speak with us.

CUT TO: INTERIOR, the bridge.  Regular crew, regular places.

Troi:  I sense...unwillingness to speak with us.

Picard:  Thank you, councilor.

Whorf:  Sir, they refuse to answer our hailing messages.

Picard:  Even my offers to surrender?

Whorf:  Yes, sir.  Permission to fire phasers.

Picard:  No, Whorf.

Whorf (muttering):  Pansy.

Riker:  Perhaps you're not adjusting your uniform enough when you stand up.

Data:  Captain, I'm picking up something on the sensors.  A Ferengi cruiser
        is approaching.

Picard:  Ferengi?  Hmmm...this could be serious.  Whorf, open a channel and
        tell them that I surrender...no, wait.  Just open a channel.

(Q appears wearing an old Starfleet uniform)

Q:  Ah, bonjour, mon capitain!

Bridge crew (except Data):  Q!

Data:  Norm!  (looks puzzled)

Q:  Mais oui, mon capitain.  Est-que vous avez de Gray Poupon?

Riker:  What's he saying?

Picard:  Oh, the usual superior-alien-going-to-judge-us lines.

Q:  Psycho killer, c'est-que c'est?  Liberte, fraternite, egalite!

Picard:  What do you mean, you're just going to send us down the path we've
        been on?

Troi:  Captain, I sense...a hackneyed plot device.

Q:  Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?  J'aime Paris!

(Q disappears)

Data:  I hate it when that happens.

Riker:  What was that last thing he said?

Picard:  I'm not sure.  Something about making castinets out of our testicles
        already.  (male crew members defensively cross their legs)  We'd
        best be ready for anything. 

(elevator door opens, TOS crew steps out)  

Kirk:  Spock, where the hell are we?

Spock (looks around):  Fascinating, captain.  We appear to be on a spacegoing
	Ramada Inn.  

Picard:  Who are you?  

Kirk:  I'm Captain James T. Kirk, commanding officer of the starship 
	Enterprise.  

Picard:  You can't be!  I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I'm the commanding
	officer of the starship Enterprise.  

Whorf:  Captain, I'm confused.  Permission to kick some ass.  

Picard:  No, Whorf.  

McCoy:  Jim!  This man is a Klingon!  

Troi:  I sense...great silliness.

McCoy (looking at Data):  And this man's been painted yellow.

Data:  No, sir. I am an android, a mechanical device designed to be identical
	to a human being.  

Sulu:  Hence the funny skin tone?

Data:  I suppose so.  But rest assured, doctor, I am actually a machine.  I am
	just ACTING (makes sweeping gesture) like a human.  (looks puzzled).

Kirk:  A machine acting like a human.  That anything like an intelligent 
	computer?  

Data:  Exactly, sir.

(Kirk gives Data a long, hard look)

Wesley (on intercom):  Engineering to Captain!

Kirk and Picard:  What is it?  (glare at each other)

Picard:  Shut up, Wesley.  Go ahead.  

Wesley (on intercom):  Captain, somebody just appeared in the engineering
	section.  I can't understand a word he's saying.  He seems to be using
	a dialect composed entirely of glottal stops.

Kirk:  Scotty!

Scotty (on intercom):  Aye, Captain, Ah canna figure oot what the've doon to
	me puir wee bairns.  It lueks lak the've been put t'ge'er by a blind
	man.  

LaForge:  (offended) Hey...

Scotty (on intercom):  Ah mean, Ah could do bet'r wi' a hair clip over ma
	face.  

LaForge:  (really offended) Hey!

Whorf:  Captain, the Ferengi are hailing us.  

Kirk and Picard:  Put it on the screen.  (glare at each other)

(Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications console.  Whorf, the more
	experienced fighter, puts Uhura down long enough to open a channel. 
	Kirk poses.  Picard adjusts his uniform.  One of those damn 
	sniveling hyper-capitalists appears on the main screen.)

Ferengi captain:  Ah, Picard-captain, who is thisss ssstrange man next to you
	who doesss not adjussst hisss uniform?  What hasss he got in hisss
	pocketsssesss?  

Kirk:  I am captain James T. Kirk, commander of the starship Enterprise.

Picard:  Are not.

Kirk:  Are too.

Ferengi:  It doesss not matter what sssilly tricksss your sssocialissst
	Federation triesss.  We will buy exclusssive rightsss to the many 
	pretty artworksss of Taosss IV.  The Ferengi claim thisss planet asss
	exclusssive trade area.  You mussst buzz off, or we will sssend many
	lawyersss after you!  Yesss, preciousss...

Picard:  We've got a few lawyers of our own, so we'll see about that.  You'll
	be hearing from us soon--

Kirk:  (breaks in) Enterprise out.  

(Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications board again.  Uhura gets in a low
	blow.  Whorf writhes in pain on the ground while Uhura shuts off the
	subspace radio)  

Riker (helping Whorf up):  Are you all right?

Whorf:  (speaking an octave or so higher)  A warrior can (coughs, voice
	returns to normal)  A warrior can withstand any pain.  Quite a woman,
	isn't she?  

(the commanding officers take their respective advisors aside)

Kirk:  So what do you think?

Spock:  A most disturbing situation, Captain.  We appear to be on an entirely
	different Enterprise.  We can expect to find situations which will be
	familiar but which we will not completely recognize.  

McCoy:  I bet there are even women on board you haven't slept with.  Yet.

Kirk:  And I don't even know how many people's lives on this ship depend on
	MY decisions.  Spock, get to work on it.  Bones, I want a full checkup
	of everyone on board.  Sulu, lay in a course and lock phasers.  Uhura,
	get me Starfleet.  Someone have Scotty get me some more power.  Mr.
	Checkov...scream in pain or something.  

Chekov:  Ah, screaming in pain.  It was inwented by Boris the Sissy.  

Picard:  A most complex situation indeed, don't you think, Number One?  

Riker:  This must have been what Q was talking about, but I still don't
	understand why.  

Picard:  Hmmm...yes.  Councilor, what do you think?

Troi:  I sense...I sense...

Picard:  Yes?

Troi:  I sense...a commercial break.

Riker:  A what?

FANFARE, CUT TO MRS. FLETCHER

ACT II

FADE TO:  The Big E still orbiting, first in one direction, then in the other.

Picard (voiceover):  Captain's Log, supplemental.  The appearance of the crew
	of the original Enterprise has greatly complicated an already sensitive
	situation...(sounds of struggle)

Kirk (voiceover):  The Ferengi have taken up an orbit near our own and are
	attempting to contact Taos IV while our legal section is attempting
	to evaluate their claim to exclusive rights...(more struggle)

Picard (voiceover):  However, this has been slowed by Commander Data's recent
	strange behavior.  

FADE TO:  INTERIOR, corridor.  Camera follows Picard, Riker, and Data.  Heavy 
	metal can be heard faintly in the background.  

Riker:  How are the power-sharing negotiations going with Captain Kirk?

Picard:  He's a difficult man to deal with.  He is adamant in his demand that
	he be responsible for the lives of 430 people, so we're trying to work
	out which members of the crew are his.  Haven't you been able to get
	Whorf to turn down that music?  I've been getting complaints from all
	over C deck.  

Riker:  No, sir.  I talked to him about it, but he refuses to stop playing
	his records.  He says that there can be no peace as long as Kirk lives.

Picard:  I should have that brat Wesley work on some way of keeping the noise
	down.  Maybe that would keep him out of my hair.  

Riker:  What hair would that be, sir?

Data:  Captain, aren't you being a little hard on the Beav?  (all present
	look puzzled by Data's question)

(Picard, Riker, and Data pass an elevator.  As they do, the door opens and 
	Kirk, Spock, and McCoy get out and head down a different corridor.  The
	camera turns to follow them.)

Spock:  ...and so, Captain, we appear to be the victims of an insidious plot
	device, the likes of which even Mr. Scott could never build.  

McCoy:  You'd think that after hundreds of years we'd be civilized enough to
	know better than this.  

Spock:  It has often been observed, doctor, that it is harder to create than
	to plagarize.  

Kirk:  Gentlemen, I suggest that we count our blessings.  At least we're not
	in a Western.  What was that you were saying about the android, Mr.
	Spock?  

Spock:  Apparently, Commander Data has been acting very strangely since the
	most recent appearance of this "Q" entity.  He seems to be speaking in
	non sequiturs.  I am attempting to find a pattern in his behavior.

Kirk:  Hmmm...any chance we can destroy him with illogic?  

Spock:  The odds against it are...

Kirk:  Never mind.  

(They enter Ten Forward.  Camera pans to Uhura and LaForge sitting at a table)

Uhura:  I think it's terrible, you being the only black officer on the bridge.

LaForge:  (very surprised) WHAT?  

Uhura:  Shocking, isn't it?  I mean, here we are in the middle of the twenty
	fourth century...

LaForge:  But...my parents told me we were Chinese!  By the way, what are we
	drinking?  

Uhura:  It's something we confiscated from Harry Mudd the last time we had to
	arrest him.  It's tea.  

LaForge:  Earl Grey?

Uhura (nods):  Hot.  

FADE TO:  INTERIOR, the bridge.  Kirk and Picard are wedged into the captain's 
	chair.  Uhura and Whorf are glaring at each other over a roll of barbed
	wire that divides the communications panel in half.  Sulu is sitting in
	the helmsman's chair with Geordi looking over his shoulder.  Checkov 
	sits on the arm of Data's chair.  Spock stands in front of Riker's 
	chair while Riker leans to the side to see around him.  McCoy is in 
	Troi's chair with an enormous grin on his face, a julep in his hand, 
	and Troi in his lap.

Picard:  What is the status of the Ferengi vessel?  

Data:  They remain in the same orbit, captain.  So far, their attempts to
	contact the people of Taos IV have been unsuccessful, but they continue
	to send hailing messages.  And that's the way it is...

Picard:  That's enough, Commander.  Any luck with the legal section, Number
	One?  

Riker:  No, sir.  They refuse to give us any information until we pay them
	a retainer.

Picard:  Ah, I see.  And since we don't use money...

Kirk:  Is this what we're destined to become, Spock?  Is this what the future
	holds for us?  Are we to become so advanced that we lose sight of the
	Most Fundamental Issues of Existance?  We.  Can Not.  Allow.  The
	People.  Of the Federation.  

Riker (whisper to Spock):  What's he talking about?  

Spock:  I believe it is an old Earth custom called "overacting."  It is
	something the captain is given to in time of stress.  

Kirk (getting up and starting to pace):  To Fall!  Victim!  To.  This.  
	Disease!  Of the Soul!  (starts quoting the Massachusetts Motor Vehicle
	Code, emphasizing every single word)

Riker (to Spock):  Why does he do it?  

Spock:  I am unsure.  I suspect it is due to its strong psychological effect 
	on female members of most humanoid species.  

(enter Dr. Crusher in the midst of a dramatic pause)

Bev:  Jean-Luc, I wanted to...

Kirk (creshendo):  A MAXIMUM!!!  OF A ONE!  THOUSAND!  DOLLAR!  FINE!  AND OR
	ONE!  YEAR!  IN PRISON!!!!

Bev (blushes, ogles Kirk):  Oh...

Riker:  Isn't there something important you need do discuss with the captain,
	Dr. Crusher?  

Bev:  Why, yes.  (takes Kirk's hand and prances off the bridge with him, 
	tugging at the fastenings of her uniform)  

LaForge:  How does he do that?  

Sulu:  All I know is he gets laid every week and I don't even get a first name 
	until I'm fifty.  

Checkov:  Ah, animal magnetism.  It was inwented by Ivan the Naughty.  

Picard:  This still gets us no closer to solving our legal problems.  

McCoy:  Why don't you just ask the lady here?  

Picard:  With all due respect to your heavily made up alter ego in our first
	episode, doctor, what good would it do to consult a psychologist on a
	legal matter?  

Troi:  I'm not a psychologist, I'm a lawyer!  Where do you think I got the
	title "counselor?"  

Riker:  Deanna, why didn't you say something earlier?  

Troi:  I hoped you'd get the hint when I did nothing but state the blindingly
	obvious all the time.  

Picard (wearily attempts to run his hand through his hair, fails):  If you
	think you can provide us with an avenue for legal action, then make it
	so.  

Kirk (sticks head through door):  Don't you mean make OUT?  

CUT TO ED McMAHON

ACT III

FADE TO:  Same confused orbit as last time.  Da fanfare music.  
CUT TO:  Interior, briefing room.  

Spock:  Having reviewed the Enterprise's historical records, I believe that I
	am now able to understand what actions Q has taken to place us here.  
	The most important clue was Commander Data's strange behavior.  

Data:  Was it my tendency to substitute the name "Wilbur" for "Wesley"?

Spock:  Among other things.  I have isolated a pattern in your pecularities
	of speech.  These patterns have a high degree of correlation with
	television shows from the later part of Earth's twentieth century.  

Scotty:  But Mr. Spock, how does tha' explain Q's warning or our appearance
	here?  

Spock:  It would appear that Q has taken advantage of the similarities between
	the old and new series.  For example, both have a half-alien and an
	extremely intelligent character with no emotions.  Several old plots
	were revived in this ship's early missions, notably a dissapointing
	retelling of "Naked Time." Commander Data's circuits are particularly
	sensitive to distubances of this nature.  His use of other tag lines is
	caused by a general low-level leakage between television programs.

Picard:  But our people have been working to move away from the old series.
	We're far less violent and have occasion for fewer conflicts between
	regular characters.  

Spock:  True, but our two casts seem to be operating under a curious form of
	attraction to each other, much like two stars orbiting each other.
	Consider that attempts have also been made by the executive officer
	to emulate Captain Kirk's hypermasculinity complex.  (Riker shifts
	uncomfortably, thankful at least that he got rid of the beard)  And
	once this cast seemed on the way to establishing its own identity, the
	old cast began linkages to it on their own.  Witness, for example, the
	appearance of Whorf's ancestor during Captain Kirk's last voyage and
	the remodeling of Starfleet discussed during peace negotiations with
	the Klingon empire.  

LaForge:  So what you're saying is that we've become so similar that Q was 
	able to combine our two worlds.  

Spock:  Exactly.  He has set our storylines on a disastrous collision course 
	which neither cast is likely to survive.  

Kirk:  Unless...we can find some way of separating ourselves again.  

Spock:  Our time is limited.  I estimate that unless we are able to separate
	ourselves into two distinct literary entities soon, our appearance
	in this continuity will be irreversable.  Any action taken by any of us
	must be made with reference to the actions of the other cast.  The 
	difficulty of operating under such complex continuity will soon become
	too much for the fabric of space to bear, and the world as we know it 
	shall come to an end.  

Data:  How long do we have to formulate a solution to this problem?  

Spock:  We are being forced to adhere to a strangely subjective time
	structure, periods between what have been called "commercial breaks."  
	Several have passed.  Should two more go by without a solution to
	our problem, our two worlds will be irreversably fused.  

Picard:  Our course is clear, then.  It is imperative that we contact the
	people of Taos IV and acquire a new plotline from them.  

(tweedleoop noises from the intercom)

Uhura (over intercom):  Captain...

Picard and Kirk:  Yes?  (they glare at each other)

Uhura (intercom):  We've just intercepted a transmission from Taos IV to the
	Ferengi vessel.  

Kirk:  What did it say?  

(Scuffle noises from the intercom)

Whorf (intercom):  Taos IV has just accepted an exclusive contract to provide
	the Ferengi with stories about stockbrokers.  

Picard:  Damn.  We'll be on the bridge in a moment.  

CUT TO:  Bridge.  Everybody where they were last time, except Scotty is at the
	engineering station and Dr. Crusher is standing next to the captain's
	chair (Kirk's side, of course).  The communications panel is now 
	surrounded by sandbags and Uhura and Whorf are wearing helmets.  

Picard:  How did the Ferengi establish contact?  

Whorf:  They made an offer of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  A check of our
	computer records indicates that those are commodities often used to get
	the attention of artists.  

Kirk:  Any chance we could use the same tactic?  

Uhura:  No, sir.  Taos IV has already signed an exclusive contract with the
	Ferengi.  That contract would have to be broken for us to initiate 
	negotiations.  We'll have to deal directly with the Ferengi.  

Kirk:  Any word from them?  

Uhura:  Only a catalog order form, sir.  They refuse to sell customized plot
	lines without specific negotiation.  

Picard:  How long would that take?  

Whorf:  At least two weeks, sir.  

Kirk:  Spock?

Spock (shakes his head):  According to my calculations, we are already nearing
	the next commercial break.  It should occur at some time within the
	next ten lines and will be proceeded by a dramatic chord.  

Riker:  So we're doomed to spend the rest of our stories linked together.  

Picard:  But we can buy ourselves some time if we don't deliver dialogue.  
	Nobody say anything.  Mr. Whorf, put me on the intercom.  Every line is
	precious now.  

Whorf:  Yes, sir...oops, sorry sir.  

(tweedelyoop noises, Picard adjusts uniform, Kirk poses)

Picard:  This is the captain speaking.  

Kirk:  No, THIS is the captain speaking.  

(each glares)

Picard:  Our supply of dialogue is severely limited...

Kirk:  So all crew members will refrain from unnecessary conversation.  That
	is all.  (signals to cut communications)

(enter Wesley)  

Wesley:  Gee, hi guys!

All:  Shut up, Wesley!  

(Dramatic chord)

Chekov:  Oops.  

CUT TO CHIA WOMBAT

ACT IV

CUT TO: Interior, bridge.  Same as before the cut to commercial.  

Spock:  We are now on the last interval before the final commercial break.  

Picard:  And it appears that we have been checkmated by the Ferengi.  

Kirk (gets a bright idea):  No...no, not checkmated.  You're thinking about
	the wrong game.  Not chess...

Spock:  Poker, captain?

Kirk:  No, not poker either...

Bev (hopefully):  Strip poker?

Picard:  Soccer?

Kirk:  What our...

Riker:  Monopoly?

Sulu:  Fencing?  

Chekov:  Are you sure it's not chess?

Kirk:  No, look...

Scotty:  Golf?  

Troi:  Bridge?  

Uhura:  Checkers?  

Whorf:  Squad Leader?  

Data:  Jeopardy?  

Kirk:  I mean...

LaForge:  Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

McCoy:  Trivial Pursuit is more like it.  

Kirk:  The way that...

Wesley:  Candyland?  

All:  SHUT UP, WESLEY!

Kirk:  If we...what the hell was I talking about?  

Spock:  Games, sir.  

Kirk:  Oh, right.  Not chess, Mr. Spock.  (poses, dramatic chord)  Space
	Invaders!  

Picard:  (pause)  What?

Spock:  An old Earth video game, I recall.  It involves massive destruction
	for the sheer joy of destruction.  

Kirk:  Spock, am I correct in guessing that all we have to do in order to
	break the linked plot lines is to perform some action that will 
	distinguish our cast from theirs?  

Spock:  That would seem to follow.  

Kirk.  And what is it that we do which the Next Generation cast has repeatedly
	shown themselves incapable of?  

Spock:  Violence, captain?  

Kirk:  Exactly, Mr. Spock!  Senseless violence!  Random destruction to the
	exclusion of stories inserted to develop the minor characters.
	Mr. Checkov, raise shields.  Mr. Sulu, lock phasers and photons on the
	Ferengi vessel.  Have security toss Wesley out the airlock.  

Whorf:  ALL RIGHT! (grabs Wesley and heads for the elevator)  

Picard:  You can't do this!  

Kirk:  Ah, but I can.  (pulls out phaser)  I'm afraid that we'll have to rid
	ourselves of some extraneous cast members.  Sorry, Captain Picard, 
	Commander Riker, but you're both wearing red shirts.  

Data:  Captain Kirk, I am afraid that I cannot allow you to harm my commanding
	officer.  

Kirk:  Spock, plan B.  

(Spock hands a small card to Data)

Data (reading from card):  "The statement on the other side of this card is
	false." (turns card over) "The statement on the other side of this card
	is true."  (starts flipping card back and forth, increasing speed.
	Eventually, smoke comes out of his ears and he falls apart)  

Picard:  I cannot believe that you would kill another Starfleet officer,
	Captain Kirk.  

Kirk:  I don't intend to, Captain Picard.  However, I do plan to have Mr.
	Scott beam you into an altenate story where you'll be harmlessly doing
	Pontiac commercials and Charles Dickens readings.  We'll keep the minor
	characters on as extras.  Mr. Scott?  Mr. Spock?  If you could take 
	care of these two?  

(they escort Picard and Riker to the elevator)  

Sulu:  Phasers locked, sir. 

Kirk:  Excellent.  Open fire.  

(They do.  The Ferengi ship explodes artistically.  Troi and Dr. Crusher look
	on with lust.)  

Chekov:  Direct hit, keptin!

McCoy:  Y'know, this could happen to us again, Jim.  There's a lot of
	potential series out there.  

Kirk:  We'll just have to face the threats as they come, Bones.  In the
	meantime, there'll be lines enough for everybody.  Mr. Sulu,
	set course for Deep Space Nine, warp factor two.  

Sulu:  Warp factor two, sir.  

(fanfare, cut to end credits with scenes of old episodes)