AOH :: TREK-006.TXT|
A meets D
Subject: A meets D (Repost, ask and ye shall get)
Date: 26 Feb 92 16:21:21 GMT
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
It was a cold night. Absolutely cold. Absolutely dark, and
very very empty. In the distance, if there had been eyes to see
it, they would have seen a sight that few people at all ever see
(unless they go to movies a lot).
Travelling at well over warp one, warp two, or a whole lot
of other warp factors, came the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D,
the new version, and we shall follow them through their newest
adventure on board the new enterprise, in this,
STAR TREK, THE NEXT GENERATION MEETS THE FIRST GENERATION (AND
MAYBE SOME IN BETWEEN) THE MOTION PICTURE (EVEN THOUGH IT'S
REALLY THE SEVENTH STAR TREK FILM).
"Captain's log, stardate 4321.0. We have been in orbit of
the Earth of 1991 for two weeks. after we came here to escape the
Federation's pursuits of the Enterprise after our saving of the
klingon-human peace treaty. They wanted to decommission this
vessel, but they will not succeed. I intend to run until I can no
longer, or until my toupee needs washing."
With a satisfied look on his face, Captain James Tiberius
Kirk replaced the automated log recording module into its
receptacle, and looked at the viewscreen. It was currently
showing a view of a drive-in movie somewhere outside San
Francisco. "It's a bitch to park this thing in one of those
little spaces, and why try to sneak the entire crew into the
trunk of a car when we can watch it from orbit anyway?" Kirk had
said to Spock in their token argument over laws. On the bridge
were Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and ensign Booger, manning the helm in
Sulu's absence. As usual, Chekov was staring intently at the
screen while Spock and Kirk made bets as to how long it would
take for him to blink.
"Captain, I find it most unusual as to why Mr. Chekov would
not desire to blink his eyes while regarding the movie.
Furthermore, It seems totally illogical that he would be so
interested in the human sexual act anyway. Five credits says he
won't blink till it's over." said Spock in his dry way.
"Spock, how can you say that? of course he's staring at the
movie! This is Debbie does Dallas! It's a classic! how can one
not stare? By the way, Spock, why are you still calling me
Captain? Try to be more casual."
Spock thought this over. Naturally, the captain would side
with Chekov, they were both human. And as for his being more
casual in the future, he would try his best given the research
into this era's slang and popular speech he had done.
"Mr Scott, this is Kirk. why don't you come up to the
bridge, we should be trying to get back home soon, and I want to
make one final bet before we leave. Chekov looks like he's in
some kind of coma."
"Well, sirrr, I'll trrry mae best, but Ae dinna know if Ae
can make it up now. Put me down for twenty though." came out of
Scotty's voice, down in engineering.
"Very well, mr. Scott, I'll put you on the board. You should
make it up sometime though, come on, try it! you may like it!"
"Er, well, sir, Ae'll trrry, but Ae'm going over some,
aaahhh, things down here, and Ae'll drop up later. hee hee"
"Mr Scott, was that a laugh I heard? A female laugh? One
that sounded in the midst of sexual ecstasy?" Kirk looked into
"Ahhhhh, no sirjustanoisemustgonowScottout"
Kirk smiled to himself in happiness. "It's about time that
bastard got laid" he thought to himself. "Spock, are your
calculations ready for the return to our own time period yet?"
Spock turned from his station to look at Kirk. "better try
some of that casual speech now" thought Spock to himself.
"Kirkaromski, asking for the calculations, yeah baron von
kirk miester, the big Kman, Kirk-a-lurky, one and only
kirkalonious, Evel Kirkaneviel, yeah."
"Ah, Mr Spock, what do you think you're doing?"
"Jimboooooo, asking me what I'm doing, the space stud, the
man in charge, the grand fromage homme, Lord duke Jim."
"Mr Spock maybe you can try a different for of casual speech
next time. do you have those calculations?"
"Sorry sir. The calculations are ready. I guessed the hell
out of them this time."
"Good work, Spock. We leave orbit in one hour be ready."
"Captain's log, stardate 8943.2. The Enterprise has been
ordered to starbase 126352347651293864196 in order to pick up a
former crewman and friend -Wesley Crusher, and take him on as a
fully commissioned member of the crew. His results at his
graduation were revealed to be the best ever, and it is for this
reason that I have given him his old spot on the bridge, as
helmsman. While we are at starbase 126352347651293864196, we will
also be fitted with a new type of experimental warp drive, said
to be able to produce speeds greater than transwarp drive and
even greater that the rise of inflation."
"Captain, I'm picking up our destination on sensors now.
should we place in a standard orbit around the starbase, sir?"
"No Data, let's try something a little different, shall we?
I want you to initiate a saucer separation and place the
stardrive section in orbit backwards, and the saucer rolling
along behind it. Understood?"
"Very well, sir. Saucer now separated, settling into planned
"Damn! thought Pickard to himself."Nothing fazes him!"
Pikard looked at the broadly grinning face of Riker, and
grudgingly handed him ten credits. "Next time, Will." Said
In engineering, Laforge looked lovingly at the diagrams of
the ship on the wall before him. Then, removing his visor, he
took a strip of paper, turned around three times, then wildly
stuck the paper on the wall. On the paper was a picture of a warp
Nacelle. Putting his visor back on, he looked at dismay at where
he had put it. it wasn't even touching the ship. "Well, Reg,
looks like you win again." he said to Reg Barkley. "I'm getting
tired of this game. There must be some better way of passing time
than playing pin the engine on the ship."
"Well," said Barkley "We could go down to La Holodeck for
some fun and times." said Barkley with an expectant look on his
face. "Wanna go?"
"Sure, sounds great. Let's go." said Laforge as they walked
hey arrived on holodeck 4, the largest one on the ship. It
was lucky for them it wasn't booked. "what program do you want to
run, Reg? sports?" asked Laforge. He felt like a good game of B-
"Ah, sure, Geordi, let's try one of mine." said Barkley
absent-mindedly." Doesn't matter which one, I guess."
"Fine," said Laforge. "Computer, Initiate Barkley sports
program, random selection."
"Acknowledged, initiating program five." said the computer.
For a minute, Barkley waited, the looked shocked. "NO!
COMPUTER! CANCEL PROGRAM FI-" It was too late. Before them stood
Deanna Troi, wearing a leather bodysuit with holes cut for the
breasts and crotch. She was holding a whip, and screaming for the
two of them to take of their clothes before the program stopped
and then disappeared, leaving Geordi and Barkley to stare at each
"Ah, Geordi, let me explain. You see, ..."
"Don't try to explain Reg. I don't want to know. Tell you
what. you go back to engineering, I'll catch up in a little
while. Since I'm here, I may as well get some work done. "
After Barkley left, Geordi looked around, and moved to go
himself. before he got to the door, he said "Computer, copy
program Barkley five and name the duplicate Geordi five-b."
He was about to do a test run before the red alert sounded.
On the bridge, Everything was as normal, except there
was a red alert on and every one was desperately trying to
perform their duties, report to the captain, and think of an
excuse to stand beside Worf so that they could look down Troi's
uniform top like he always does.
Pikard came out of his ready room and moved for the command
chair. He was about to ask what had caused the alert when he saw
it on the screen himself. There was a greenish nebula-like haze
in front of the ship, also orbiting starbase 2634673547365167.
"Data, reunite the saucer section, and raise shields. Riker,
I want you to- Riker? What the devil is everyone doing at Mr
Worf's station? Riker, get down here!"
Everyone looked startled, then cleared their throats in
unison and shuffled off to their stations, leaving worf to look
pleased and Troi looking confused at what every man on the bridge
found so interesting about Worf's console. When Riker sat down
next to Pikard, he said, "Captain, this mass appeared in orbit a
few minutes ago. I sounded the red alert when Lt. Worf detected a
solid mass forming in the centre of it."
"very well. Mr. Worf, what do sensors show now?"
"Still indeterminate yet, sir, but it seems to be a
starfleet vessel of the constitution class, with some battle
damage, and a bad paint job." Said Worf in his subwoofer voice.
All eyes but Worf's were fixed on the viewscreen. In the
middle of the mass, a ship came out. everyone recognized it
instantly, except for Wesley, but that was only because he didn't
have his contacts in.
"it's the enterprise A!" said Riker loudly. the intercom
"Captain" said Guinan from the intercom" Is everything all
right up there?"
"Guinan, what do you mean?"
"Well, this doesn't seem right somehow."
"OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT YOU DIZZY BITCH! A STARSHIP JUST
CAME OUT OF A TIMEWARP STRAIGHT AT US! DOES THAT SOUND NORMAL TO
"Actually Captain, I meant it seems a little hot. Could you
turn down the ship's thermostat a little?"
"Oh, sorry. there." said Pikard, twisting the big dial that
took up the entire left panel on the arm of his chair. The knob
on his other panel was what switched the main viewscreen between
an external view and HBO.
"My God! " said Pikard. "Is that what I think it is? Is
that the Enterprise A?"
"Wasn't that ship destroyed years ago?" asked Wesley,
squinting at the screen in between putting in his contacts.
"That is correct Wesley. The Enterprise A was destroyed
exactly 87.346744743 years ago in battle with the Ferengi, after
the Federation's first contact with that race."
"Recommend we destroy that ship, and take their women, sir."
said Worf in his usual manner.
"Mr Worf, that is one thing we cannot do. By destroying that
ship, we may be damaging the future. And besides, how can we get
their women? we can't beam them out , their shields are up." Said
"Data, transmit to the Enterprise A: This is Jean-Luc Pikard
of the Enterpr- I mean the, ahhh, boob! yes, that's it! This is
The Boob. Do you require assistance?"
On Board the Enterprise A things were just as bad.
"Spock, sensor scan. What kind of Ship is that? " Said Kirk.
"Big one" Thought Spock as he leaned over his sensor hood
and hoped that McCoy wouldn't take this opportunity to goose him
like he usually does. "The ship conforms to starfleet
construction standards, sir, but there have been many
advancements made. Also, I detect a WHOA!" Spock yelled and stood
straight, everyone on the bridge looking at him and McCoy,
standing behind him and trying to hold in his laughter and still
"Doctor, please. this is serious. Spock?" said Kirk.
"Yes, sir. As I said, that could be a federation vessel in
the future. It is probable that we have overshot our mark in the
time jump and have arrived in the future. That could be the next
class of starship."
"Right. Send to the unknown ship. This is the starship
Enterprise. We are lowering shields and allowing you to beam
Riker turned to Pikard. "Captain, I want to get over there."
"Make it so, number one. " said Pikard.
Riker Stood up, and surveyed the bridge personnel. "Data,
Worf, Deanna, let's go."
Beaming directly to the bridge of the Enterprise A, the away
team startled the crew quite a bit...
"AAAAAAAA!" screamed Kirk, as Troi's busom appeared directly
if front of him. Chekov instantly looked her over, and got his
stare started up again. They didn't find Worf quite as
"What the hell is a Klingon doing on my ship?! Get him off!"
"Captain, I'm Wil Riker, First officer of the Enterprise. In
the future, the Klingons are our allies. I think the best course
of action here is to get you all back to your own proper time
period so that the timelines won't be distorted any more than
they have to be. For these reasons, I think it best if nobody
from your ship beams over to the Enterprise D, and we isolate
ourselves as well, in order to prevent the kind of thing your
weapons officer is trying."
All eyes turned to Chekov, where he was leaning over his
console, talking to troi and sneaking in a quick feel where
possible. He was about done his contour mapping of her body when
Riker landed a hand to the back of his head. "Lay off, Russkie!
she's my babe! Go find yourself some cheap sweatie down in
engineering or something!" He bellowed, causing Chekov to bolt
for the turbolift. just before the doors closed, he gave his
destination. "deck fifteen, Lighthouse section!"
"Well, then, I guess that's that. I agree totally with you,
Riker. I'll not beam any of my crew over to your ship, and you
will do likewise, except to go back yourselves. But this I have
to know: who wins the world series, 2344?" Said Kirk.
"Well, ahem, ahh, I really should be going now." Tapping his
communicator, he said to beam back the away team."We'll contact
you when we have our calculations done. by the way, the winners
are ..." Just then the transporter cut in, and the team vanished.
"God damn it! Why do the transporters always make things so
frigging hard for me to find out things?!!" Asked Kirk.
"Captain, I do not think you should have asked such a thing
of Riker. He is a Starfleet officer, and it is against
regulations for us to gamble, or to condone it." Said Spock.
"What the hell do you think we were doing while Chekov was
watching that movie then, you stupid pointy-eared dry faced never
laughing green blooded quim head?" asked McCoy angrily.
"Doctor, It is illogical for you to think you can insult me
by calling me green blooded, since that is what I am, and nothing
can change the fact. It would be as fruitless for me to attempt
to insult you by reminding you of your IDIOTIC PRACTICE OF
FEELING UP YOUR FEMALE PATIENTS EVERY TIME THEY GO UNDER
"Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't feel you up if you were a female
deltan, you freak!" screamed McCoy.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough of that for now. Spock,
call Chekov back to the bridge, and assume a standard orbit
behind the Enterprise D. Doctor, I want you to apologize to
"Why do I always have to apologize? He always starts it!"
"Come on doctor, do it." said Kirk.
"Oh, all right. Spock, I'm sorry you're a quim head" McCoy
said, then ran laughing off the bridge before anyone could catch
Back on the Enterprise D the away team had just gotten back
to the bridge. Riker took his seat, and let out the hugest
farting noise anyone has ever heard. Getting up, he grabbed the
woopie cushion and held it in the air.
"All right, who's the wise guy?" He asked.
"Lt. commander Data, is something funny?" said Riker.
"No sir, I think I may have(snicker) gas. "
"I see, well, see that you get yourself fixed." said Riker
as he sat back down in his seat, on a second woopie cushion. At
this, the entire bridge crew erupted in laughter, even Pikard.
"No damn respect" Riker said to himself under his breath.
"Captain, the starbase has completed the installation of our
new experimental warp drive and we are to proceed to the Beluga
sector, there to begin testing after we assist the return of the
Enterprise A to its proper time period." reported Data.
"Very well, Data. Plot a course to the Beluga sector and
proceed at warp three. Engage."
The two starships tore off at warp three, but Kirk wasn't
too happy about that.
"Is warp three all those boneheads can manage?" asked Kirk
to himself. "Engineering, this is the captain, we're going to
race to the Beluga sector, can your damn bairns take the strain?"
"Well, sir Ae can git warp 9 and change out of 'er, but I
cannae do better than that for ye."
"Roger, Scotty. We'll do what we can." said Kirk with a
smile on his face. "prepare for top acceleration, ensign Booger."
"You got it, guy" said booger, as he put his hand on the
warp shift lever, and got ready on the clutch."
"Spock, scan the Enterprise D. What can their engines do in
comparison to ours?" queried kirk.
"Perhaps the Captian would be more receptive to a new form
of casual speech at this time." thought spock. "Well, homey," he
said, as he put on a pair of dark glasses, "She's a bitchin' ride
capie, but but don't forget that this sled can haul ass too
boyeeeeee!" As he finished his statement, he crossed his arms
with his index fingers out, as he had seen users of this dialect
do. It failed to achieve its intended affect, though, and left
the entire bridge crew to stare at him.
"What the hell did you say, Spock?" asked McCoy.
"I said we have a good chance at beating them, Doctor, did
you not understand me?"
"Understand you? I don't even know what language you were
using!" the doctor was becoming upset.
"Well, doctor, I managed to understand it, and it's a
version of YOUR language. So there."
"Oh yeah?!" McCoy said, "Come here and say that, pus-face!"
Spock was on his way to get him when he thought of a better
idea and just ripped his chair out of its mount and lobbed it at
him, across the bridge. McCoy dodged it, and started throwing
various things back, that were lying around his side of the
bridge. Spock was going for his phaser when Kirk stepped between
"All right, all right you two! Doctor, I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you to leave the bridge." Kirk said, trying to sound as
kind as he could.
"awww! You always punish me, never the Vulcan! Why do I have
to leave?" McCoy said.
"Spock stays because he works here, now go!" Kirk said, now
getting angry himself.
McCoy pouted, then shruged off the bridge.
"Engine room, begin buildup for jump." said Kirk into his
"Aye'Aye sir." said Scott and turned off the intercomm. He
got up, and moved over to a large lever set into the floor in the
center of engineering. "All right, yae dirty dictator, you want
speed, here it is!" scott said and pulled the lever from "NORMAL
USE" past "FAST" and "REAL FAST" right into "SUCK THEIR DOORS
On the Enterprise D, Data's sensors piked up the surge.
"Captain, I am picking up an energy buildup on the Enterprise A.
It is consistent with the buildup needed for a sudden jump in
warp speed." he said, worried. "I think they want to race" he
"So they want to race do they?" said Riker. What do you
"Well, we can't let that bunch of old men go back in time
without showing them who's boss, can we?" Engineering, this is
Pikard. Prepare to engage maximum warp."
For a while, the two ships stayed at warp three alongside
each other, revving their warp engines, and the crews of each
ship gathered in the windows facing the other vessel, and giving
them the finger, and other assorted rude gestures. Then the
Enterprise A took a long run, and shot out a good two lengths in
front of the Enterprise D. Pikard took this as the final straw,
and ordered warp 9. The Enterprise D's engines flashed a blue
light, then the ship stretched out like it was made of rubber,
then snapped away at warp 9. On the viewscreen of the Enterprise
A, the crew watched, amazed.
"Great warp effect." said chekov.
"OK, that tears it!" said kirk, and got on the intercom.
"All hands, prepare for warp 9.5! Scotty, let's get those
The Enterprise A whimpered, then took off down a tunnel of
"Captain, the Enterprise A has accelerated to warp 9.5, and
is gaining on us! At her present speed, she will overtake us in-
oops, there she goes." on the viewscreen, the Enterprise A shot
by, with the words 'Eat Our Warp Field' hastily painted along her
back. Pikard took one look at this, and turned to Data.
"Data! can we catch them?"
"We are now at warp 9.65, sir. we will catch them in ten
seconds. " said Data, but then he looked at his console. "
Captain! the Enterprise A has now accelerated to warp 9.9!" She's
Pikard jumped from his seat, and strode to the centre of the
bridge, between the ops and navigation consoles. "Damn them Data!
go to warp 9.999!"
" Aye, sir, warp 9.999 engaged." data checked his readings,
then looked at Pikard. "Captain, the Enterprise A has matched our
speed and is still out in front."
" By how far?" asked Pikard.
"Approximately 230.328646856 kilometres, sir."
"Time to the Beluga sector?"
"Our E.T.A. is now one hour, thirty eight minutes, sir."
"Pikard to engineering. Mr Laforge, I want you to engage the
new experimental warp drive. We can't let ourselves get beaten by
a starship almost eighty years old!"
"Yes, sir. I'll power up the new drive, and have it engaged
in about a minute." said Laforge over the intercom.
Down in Engineering, Laforge strode around, looking over
everyone's shoulders. "Ok, people, I want the new drive running
now! let's go!"
Laforge sat at his console and began diverting power from
the ship's schools and civilian section life support to the new
warp drive. Designed by professor Mitchell, Graduate of the
Bill&Ted Institute of awesome engineering, the new warp engines
could propel the ship to into 'Gnarlywarp', said to be even
faster than the Boguswarp drive, which failed in the experimental
stages. Laforge powered them up, checked the circuits, and
engaged the drive.
On the screen of the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D emitted
an even bigger flash from her engines, red this time, then
stretched away from the Enterprise A again, corkscrewing this
time. Seeing this, Kirk knew he was beaten. He slumped into his
seat, and ordered to proceed to the Beluga sector. When they got
there, the Enterprise D was sitting in the centre of the sector,
revving their engines and locking up the front space brakes so
that the ship peeled around in circles. When the Enterprise A
approached, it stopped spinning, and came to a rest so that the
two ships faced each other.
"Captain Pikard, this is Kirk. You won this time, but you
cheated by using those special engines. Next time, I'll have the
Pikard stood, looking at Kirk on the screen. "We'll see,
Kirk." he said, turning to worf and running his hand by his neck.
Worf cut the connection, and Pikard went back to his seat.
"Data, transmit the coordinates of the black star to the
enterprise A, and tell them that they may proceed with the
timewarp any time."
"Aye sir, the Enterprise A has received the transmission and
is proceeding to the specified coordinates."
"Transporter room, this is Kirk. do we have that little
"Aye, sir. Ready to go."
"Energize." said Kirk, kowing he would have the last word
As the Enterprise A shot around the star and back to its own
time, Pikard turned to Riker and sighed in relief. "Well, thank
God that's over." he said to Riker. "Pikard to engineering, how
did the new engines perform?"
"Well enough to send that old crate packing, sir. It was a
good test. Recommend that we return to starbase
126352347651293864196 and report."
Pikard was about to agree, but then the bridge was filled
with the faint humming of a transporter beam, which grew steadily
louder. Seconds later, the bridge was filled to the ceiling with
tribbles, Clogging LaForge's visor, making annoying squishing
noises under Data's feet, and chasing Worf into a corner with a
trrified look on his face.
"Data! forget the starbase! beam these things off my
bridge!" Pikard ordered.
After the tribbles had disappeared, Pikard sat in his chair,
annoyed. "Data, I want you to start making calculations for a
time jump. We're going after those bastards!"
Minutes later, they were ready. Data plotted the course, and
Wesley came back from the bathroom. He was spending more and more
of his time there these days.
"Data" Pikard said, "let's get those pricks once and for
all! Gnarlywarp factor 5. Engage."
LA END for now.
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