Canonical Tasteless Sex List [H-M]

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HICKEYS -
2frjscabby@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu:
On my floor at the dorm this guy had a single room with a live in girlfriend/
houseguest.  They were soon voted most grossest couple on the floor (in
the world)  One day he comes out in the hall to show us something.
He pulls up his shirt to reveal a huge unbroken heart made of dark red
hickeys.  Just the sight of that sunken white chest is gross enough
but that hickey-heart was the worst.  Then she pokes her head out and
grins.  Her tounge had turned black from sucking.

HOT DOGS UP THE JACKSEY -
banta@abingdon.Eng.Sun.COM:
What is it with vaginal blood farts?  Having seen, heard, smelled
and tasted same, there are far more vile things in this world I can
think of. Hotdogs come to mind ...

Nobody cares what hotdogs are made of as long as they are considered
foodstuffs.  With that consideration, most people feel safe in
stuffing them into one or more bodily orifices.  It's a well
known and not terribly disputed fact that almost half the hot dogs
sold in this country are used as makeshift marital aids.  This
figure shoots way over 50% for "Ball Park Franks" brand.  With a
slogan like "they plump when you cook 'em", you can well imagine.

Just keep in mind that for single men and women on a budget, hot
dogs are a boon.  You get that meaty partner you so miss, there is
no PG&E bill generated in the heating of the food, and condiments
aren't needed, since the warmed weener already has a special sauce
that you won't find in Hienz' 57  varieties.  For the people with
one or more partners (or the very lithe), the dog can be served
between piping hot buns.

INTRAURETHRAL COCAINE ADMINISTRATION -
[apparently I lost the attribution]:
This was written up in the JAMA (vol. 259, no. 21 if anybody cares to
look it up, page 3126)  A brief summary of what the article says:

  A 34 year old man was admitted to a hospital for priapism (sustained
erection, apparently quite painful and dangerous) and paraphimosis (got
me...).  He had been injecting cocaine intraurethrally for several weeks in
order to enhance sexual performance.

  After three days in the hospital, the two problems disappeared, he had
ecchymoses (purpling of skin due to exploded vessels) on his left foot,
which quickly spread to his genitals, forelimbs, back and chest. He became
febrile (feverish) and developed small bullae (blisters) on the echymoses.)
The diagnosis was disseminated intravascular coagulation (sci.med???) after
several tests.

  They gave him all sorts of good drugs.  On the twelfth day, he was moved
to the hospital's burn unit due to necrosis (tissue death) over the ecchymotic
areas.  Under anethesia, extensive debridement (surigcal excision of dead,
devitalized, tissue from a wound) and a cystostomy (sci.med again??) were
performed.

  Bilateral above-the-knee amputations were performed due to gangrene.
Examination showed extensive necrosis of skin, muscles, and subcutaneous
tissue (below outer layer of skin) and thrombophlebitis (inflamation of vein &
clot in vessel) of his popliteal (behind knee joint) and femoral (primary
artery of thigh) arteries.  He underwent extensive skin grafting, amputation
of *nine* pregangrenous fingers (I wonder which one they left him) and
autoamputation (it fell off) of his necrotic penis.

John_Cavallino@uchfm.bsd.uchicago.edu adds an explanation of medical terms:
paraphimosis -
This is when the foreskin gets pulled back behind the head of the penis but
then can't be retracted due to swelling.  Just like a built-in tourniquet...

disseminated intravascular coagulation -
This means he had blood clots that spread throughout his body, clogging up
his blood vessels and causing parts of his body to die.

Oh, by the way, the guy died.

LARD SHAGGING -
While working in a fast-food restaurant, taking a cardboard container of
lard, punching a dick-sized hole in the side, fucking the hole, then replacing
the container on the shelf to be used in cooking.  Yum!

case@diku.dk comments:
Ah yes, a good one, as some has a glans too sensitive for the juices in melons
or pumpkins in which it it also customary among lonely men to drill fuck
orifices. The best vagina I can think of is a big slab of raw liver. Wrap it
around your cock, and keep it there with rubberbands. You can then just mast
with it or put it on some vibrating machinery and fuck it. You might want to
heat it a bit before you start. Ok orgasms.

LEG TAG -
smith-jeff@CS.YALE.EDU (Jeff Smith):
When I was in junior high, my cousin had a male dog named Rusty who would
get very horny whenever we (the cousin and I) wrestled or played rough.
Being the tasteless youths we were, we invented the game of "Leg Tag".  We
would push each other around and make a lot of noise, until the dog would
come into the room.  Then, the point of the game would be to manuver the
other guy into position to get his leg humped by the dog.  The one who got
the fruit of the dog's passion spent on his shin lost.  Simple, yet highly
entertaining.

LOVE BACONS -
case@diku.dk:
This is also the case with the kinky amourous game, played by happily wimpering
single men called LOVE BACONS. Simply pull the slices of bacon out of the
wrapper, wrap it around your cock and get going.

MAINLINE -
defecation directly into another's mouth.  Some may not like this:
2frjscabby@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu:
At a big drunken house party, my friend was hitting on a girl and
managed to maneuver her into a bed room.  He was in there for some
time making his friends a bit worried.  When he finally came out he
had a baaaad look on his face.  Asked how it went he said, "AWWW, she
shit on me."  No, really, how'd it go?  "She SHIT on me! SHIT! SHIT!
SHIT! Nasty, loose, diarhea!  I was eating her out and she spewed butt
chunks all over my face and in my mouth!!! SHIT!!!"


MASTURBATING USING THE BELT OF SOME POWER MACHINERY DURING LUNCH HOUR -
See William A. Morton, _Medical_Aspects_of_Human_Sexuality_, July 1991,
"Unusual Case" column.  Has anyone seen this reference?  Pertinent excerpts:

    Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the
    machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
    with a heavy-duty stapling gun.  The dark objects were one-inch
    staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
    .
    .
    .
    An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at
    lunchtime with his coworkers.  Finding himself alone, he had begun the
    regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the
    canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery.  One day,
    as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too
    close to the belt.  When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-
    wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few
    feet away.  Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too
    stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed
    work.  I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.

MAYONAISSING -
case@freja.diku.dk:
Eating the acne on your teenage boyfriends shoulders as you buttfuck him.

2frjscabby@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu:
My friend was mashing with a girl in a dark bedroom.  He got her shirt
off and maneuvered down to suck her tits.  After sucking on her nipple for
a minute he tasted some liquid in his mouth.  Surpised, he flipped on the
light.  Turns out he wasn't sucking her nipple at all---IT WAS A BOIL!!!!

MUDFUCKING -
jaywb@juliet.caltech.edu (Bromley, Jay W.):
So has anyone ever fucked the earth?  Really, I mean just gone outside and
been so inspired by nature's beauty that you just had to have her right
away?  I mean think, how many people can say that they screwed a 6
trillion trillion ton woman?

Personally I enjoy a good, dark loam type of soil, just dig a hole the
right size and plunge right in.  Mud flats must be really good, but I
haven't had a chance to try them yet.  Especially good is right at sunrise,
when the dew is still on the grass, giving you a real slipping sliding good
time.  Damn, I'm horny again...
Try it, you'll like it.