Canonical Tasteless Sex List [D-G]

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DWARF HEADING -
oleg@Veritas.COM:
Excerpted without permission from S.F. Weekly, Jan 22, 1992
In the "Slapshots" column by Jack Boulware:

The Dwarves Are Back! After the three-part L.A. Law episode and
the controversy over Australian dwarf-tossing, the image of the
dwarf seems to have faded in the eye of the public in the recent months.
Not so in New York's S&M clubs, apparently.  Dwarves are back --
literally.  The latest twisted craze, accordding to witnesses, involves a
normal-sized man, a dwarf and an eager audience.  The normal-sized
man is stripped naked and fed muscle-relaxants until his body is,
shall we say, pliable.  The dwarf then enters the wings, and his
head is lubricated.  Are we following so far?  Without being too
graphic, let's just say the phrase "giving head" begins to take on a
whole new meaning.  Fisting, gerbilling and now dwarf-heading?  The
big questions here are, how do they breathe?  Are they union?

DUCK JOBS -
owen@autodesk.com (D. Owen Rowley):
Don't confuse this with the *Classic* New Orleans
"Duck-job", popularized in the Bordellos of that town at the turn of the
last century.

The "Duck-job" was performed by the *john*  impaling the duck in the egg canal,
holding it firmly by the wings, and then having an assistant cut off the
ducks head.  Tales of one person duck-jobs exist, but apparently it required
considerable dexterity to avoid cutting oneself.
Anyway the resultant death-throws, accompanied by much flapping and kicking,
was reputed to be a favorite kink amongst those who had become jaded by the
standard fare of hookers.

gumby@Cygnus.COM (David V. Wallace):
I have it on good authority (for a member of one of the federal
security agencies) that you can do this alone by slamming the head in
a drawer at the right moment (reputedly "you get more action that
way.")

EARTHWORMING -
geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM:
Looking for a new solitary sexual sensation but can't afford an Accu-Jac(tm)?
Collect a handful of earthworms (or visit your local bait shop and purchase
a pound of nightcrawlers).  Place said nematodes into a plastic sandwich bag.
Add a quarter-cup of salad oil and knead lightly to distribute it evenly.
Plunge right in! And when you're done, add the contents of the bag to an
omelette.

jny@sactoh0.sac.ca.us (John N. Young):
Alternatively you can fuck a jar full of worms, for best
result stick the worms in the microwave first so they burst and
you'll have the slipperest fuck ever!

EVOLUTION -
tpehrson@javelin.sim.es.com:
To sequentially penetrate the portals in the order anal, vaginal, oral.
The transferrence of various secretions from the former two orifices onto the
wand serves as virtual "love potion" for the third.

FECALLATIO -
administration of a blow job to a turd.  No verified cases of this on record.

clear@cavebbs.gen.nz (Charlie Lear) notes:
Of course not.  Nobody who has ever had a turd cum in their mouth has lived.

FELCH -
banta@abingdon.Eng.Sun.COM:
Well, Claire, say your sweetie, during an afternoon tryst of animal lust,
decides to do some back door work.  Now, after he's released the fruit of his
family jewels, and you're still tied firmly face down on the kitchen table
with his leather neckties, Studmuffin whips out a crazy straw.  He then proceeds
to suck out and ingest his recent deposit from your bum.

You have just been felched.

And yes, you asked for it.

FISHBOWL -
the head is inserted in an appropriately sized fishbowl.  Someone defecates
onto the fishbowl so that the logs may be seen drooling off the side.

FISH MASTURBATION -
ln63sdm@sdcc4.ucsd.edu (Marcel Carlsson):
Has anyone out there ever tried to jack off using a big fresh trout or some
other fish.  Seems to me that it would be quite an experience.  Might be a
slight problem with the teeth of the fish though...

GASTRODOMY, FIZZLE DICKING, ACID BATH FOR THE MAN WITH THE HELMET -
smmcafee@pace5.cts.mtu.edu (SEAN M. MCAFEE):
I've lost all but the attribution on this one, so the definition is my fault.
Banging a fistula leading directly into someone's stomach.

GERBILING, HIDING THE HAMSTER -
-Arctangent, arctngnt@amiganet.chi.il.us (Bowie J. Poag):
"Gerbiling" is taking a cardboard tube, or something, like the tube off a roll
of paper towels, or toilet paper, inserting it lengthwise into your ass, and
putting a gerbil in the tube to crawl in it, and make himself a nice warm home
in your ass. The gerbils like it. The extremo-fags like it as well, because
the gerbil twitches around and stuff.

interpol@casbah.acns.nwu.edu volunteers a case history:
I was doing an emergency room rotation at Northwestern Memorial Hospital one
night last month - not doing much, just messing around.  I noticed that all
the residents on duty were huddled together, talking, whispering, and
laughing.  When I asked them what as up, they told me.

Some guy had come into the ER with a gerbil up his butt that he couldn't get
out, but that wasn't the worst of it.  He'd also experienced massive pain a
little while after he had inserted the rodent.  What had happened was, *the
gerbil had chewed and clawed its way through the man's sigmoid colon and ended
up inside his pelvic cavity.*  Apparently, the guy didn't bind the thing with
duct tape or anything...anyway, he had to get the thing surgically removed,
plus deal with the fact that he may have gotten a massive infection inside his
normally sterile abdominal cavity.

GERBILING VARIATIONS -
smmcafee@pace4.cts.mtu.edu:
Rectal warts?  Sounds like the result of sticking a toad up the ol' anus.
Perhaps we've stumbled on a creative variation of gerbilling (toadilling?).

clear@cavebbs.gen.nz:
A weta (pron. "wetter") is a very large insect, up to four or so inches
long.  They look like a giant grasshopper, with the addition of spikes
all over and bloody great claws, and mandibles that casually munch
through hardwood.  They are reasonably intelligent (for insects) and
know of their potential for freaking out people.  The bunnyhuggers always
pick up wetas to show how harmless they are - you can guarantee that the
bastards have never been bitten by one.

   (clear@cavebbs.gen.nz quoting "Steve Withers"):
   You're lucky......back in 1985 I awoke twice in three weeks - once in
   Wellington and once in Kaitaia - to find a weta (different one in each
   place, mind you) trying *vigorously* (or so it seemed at the time!) to
   enter my anal orifice.

bdb@becker.UUCP (Bruce Becker):
Gerbilling, besides the more widely publicised method, is sometimes also
performed with the nasal orifices due to the mucus membranes present.

Honorable Mention: keller@hubble.ifa.hawaii.edu (Tim Keller)
The only definition that I (and the guys I work with, I took a survey) have
ever heard for felching was the practice of sticking live gerbils up your
ass...I suppose you could combine the two: ejaculate in another mans anus
stick a gerbil up there, pull the gerbil out and lick the fur clean.
Can't say that I have ever talked to anyone who practices felching in either
form, maybe that explains my ignorance.