Canonical Tasteless Sex List [A-C]

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Copyright probably remains with original posters.
Corrections, clarifications and additions gladly accepted.
Bonus points for verified cases of the more bizarre acts or determining real
names (paraphilias).


AH-CHOO SCREW -
case@freja.diku.dk:
Assume missionary position.  Insert cock in girls cunt.  Insert nose in girls
mouth. Fuck rapidly, then blow all three nostrils at a time. Tell her that you
love her. Works also in a 69, but some girls may require that you wear a condom
over your nose, as they don't like the feel of snot in their slobberhole (a
shame really, as it's a very good non-toxic lubricant).
Slogans to use when talking her into it: 'Imagine two crooked spurting objects
in your body simultaneusly', 'Twice the pleasure'. Things to say to show that
you are in the know, a man of the world 'HiYa baby, do you spit or swallow'.

ANAL SEX -
saunders@luther.che.wisc.edu:
Nothing tasteless about that, unless she's got diarrhea at the time, and
blows it out on every stroke.

AUSTRALIAN BUTT CHUG, MOON RIVER -
BLANKENSHIPG@rcgl1.eng.ohio-state.edu (Gerime Blankenship):
Speaking of gross things done with a beer and someone's ass. Once I was
with a really sleezy bar with a friend and his girlfriend.  My friend stood on
the table pulled down his pants and told me to pour my beer down his crack.  So
I did and his girlfriend got between his legs and guzzled the beer as it ran
off the end of his testicles.  They called it the Australian Butt Chug.

BAGPIPE -
penis in armpit sex.  No documented cases.  Official name unknown.

BANANA RAMMING -
Chris Lloyd - a74k110@titan.ucc.umass.edu:
No I'm not a lady, but I did see .quite. a drunken girl insert a stiff
banana into her in front of most of a party in high school, it was quite
entertaining.   From then on she was silently reffered to as
"BananaRammer", she had a hard time facing anyone after that ...

BEETLEJUICING, MEATPUPPET, LINDA BLAIR EFFECT, ROTO-SCHLORPHING -
gregw@hspice.portal.com suggests the act:
What would you call the act of impaling the severed head back on your
ManTool[tm], then spinning it (the head) around?

charters@madhaus.utcs.utoronto.ca
reay@bnlls1.nsls.bnl.gov
geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM
srklump@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu
suggested the names.

BROOMSTICK DEATH -
---------@------.--------.edu:
Basically, a homosexual man wanted to fuck himself up the ass with a
broomstick, so he greased up the stick, wedged it against his bathtub, and
proceeded to buttfuck himself by doing pullups on the shower curtain railing
that ran around the bathtub.  All of a sudden, the shower rail breaks, and
he accelerates at 9.8m/s^2 downwards, impaling himself on the broomstick.
I think it ruptured his lungs and pierced his heart before he finally expired.

BUM-SUCKERING -
andyw@nugget.rmnug.org
Getting sucked off by winos for quarters, only to welsh on the payment,
especially if they've offered to let you piss in their mouths at no extra
charge.

BUTT HARP -
alanari@crocus.waterloo.edu:
The instrument of pleasure is a round ball (possibly the size of a golf ball,
depends on the hole in question) and a string that is attached to the ball.
The object of the game is to insert the ball into another's asshole and
then use a bow (from a violin or a celo) and play the string. The vibrations
caused are quite pleasurable, or so I hear...

kasha@twolf.ce.yale.edu:
I also heard of a metal ball that has a hole for a wire in it, that you
connect to some electric source, and the other end of the source to the
person involved., for electro stimulation of the anatomy in question.
I bet this could be combined with the bow to get some interesting effects.
The electric butt harp.  Too bad Jimi Hendrix is not here to play it.
(so I hear....)

u9147063@cs.uow.edu.au (Richard Barry Ling) suggests a hi-fi improvement:
Why need two? The girl could play in stereo by herself.

CANCEROUS TIT-FUCKING -
hillman@carina.unm.edu (Dan Hillman):

> They will often infest severe necrotic infections.  I recall a story
> here about a woman who was saved by maggots.  Seems she had breast
> cancer, but it was never detected.  She must have been a bit whacko,
> because it had spread through the intervening tissues and skin to
> form a rancid, rotting sore on her breast.  Fortunately, she was
> no more hygenic than observant, and a fly, attracted by the stench,
> had laid eggs on her boob.  And the maggots ate the cancer.

Oh yes! Just smear some of that oozing pus between her breasts and start
pumping away. How convenient, pre-lubed tit fucks!

And as the rotting hole gets deeper and deeper eventually you can just
slip the ol' meat piston in and out of there. It would be nice and tight
at first, although it would surely loosen as the flesh tears.

CATCH HUDSON RIVER TROUT -
someone shits on your chest.  You possibly have a layer or two of newspaper
shielding you from the trout.

CHILI DOG SEX -
liebgold@turing.seas.ucla.edu:
The setting is a small apartment.  A small man with sunken eyes is sitting on
his bed.  He is naked.  In his right hand he holds a steaming chili dog.
He brings the chili dog under his nose and sniffs at it's tantalizing aroma.
He licks at the pink end with the tip of his tongue.  He then brings the hot
dog down to his right inner thigh.  He then begins caressing slowly up to his
rock hard genitals, leaving a brown rivulet to follow.  He then prods his penis
against dog.  He begins pressing against the hot dog in a regular rhythm that
causes his breathing to increase in tempo.  He bites down on his lower lip.
A rivulet of blood trickles down and begins collecting in the cleft of his
chin.  He discharges his seed onto the hot dog.  He then hold the hot dog in
front of him.  His white sperm is trickling down the sides.  He catches his
breath and begins conversing with his mystery meat lover.

COLOSTOMY FUCK, COLOSTODOMY, GETTING A BIT ON THE SIDE -
jny@sactoh0.sac.ca.us (John N. Young):
You thought the hamster up the ass was a way out gross story, listen to this
one, this women was admitted to hospital with Colonitis (Cancer of the colon
I think). She had a Colostomy and was well on the way back to a normal life
(besides carrying a bag of shit with her everywhere she went) but she ended up
back in hospital after six months complaining that she was suffering from
severe pain at her colostomy bag entrance. Thinking that an infection had
started the doctors checked it out only to find that the exit hole had been
clogged with sperm - apparently her husband had been banging her colostomy
hole - nice one!

COW CUNNILINGUS -
pdj7631@summa.tamu.edu:
Well, you ever seen cows shit?  That slack, gaping cloacum just yawning open,
the pungent brown sludge lazily oozing out?  Well, you know that cows don't
have vaginas, just the one multi-purpose orfice.  Imagine going out in a field
naked to eat out a cow, one with lots of flies buzzing around the ass, other
cows gathered around curiously adding to the aroma.  The hole is so big you
can almost put your whole head in there, and you're just busily licking away,
occasionally pulling out a bemired head to breathe, jacking off with one hand,
when the cow just casually dumps a reeeally messy, sticky hot load right into
your face.  The semi-liquid sewage forces its way in your mouth, up your
nostrils, down your throat, and the anus contracts, sucking your head inside,
and you're trapped, asphyxiating, coming in spurts as you die, and your naked,
cum-soaked corpse is dragged around the pasture by the head in the cow's rectum
until your parents come out in a few days, scaring off the vultures and crows,
and find it.

geoffm@purplehaze.EBay.Sun.COM (Geoff Miller) comments:
Can you imagine what it'd sound like if you sneaked up behind somebody with
his head up a cow's arse and kicked him in the balls?  I'd advise having a
tape recorder handy, because I'm sure the resulting muffled yelp would have a
unique timbre to it.

case@diku.dk (Steven Snedker) comments:
Well, for a nice start I would cut off its udder and let the milk a blood
splatter all over my erected nob (jerking off wildly of course), then
lick the crusty inside of the udder and put it on as a bathing cap,
and ram my head up the cows arse.
AAAAhhh...

CUNNILINGUS DURING MENSTRUATION -
self explanatory, and not necessarily tasteless.  However it is possible for
two men to simulate this with some degree of authenticity, not to mention
tastelessness:

job@uk.ac.cam.cl (John Bates):
However, to simulate, my friend "man with Ginger beard" cut off his knobber
and associated equipment and opened a large gash in his lower abdomen using
a rusty blade. I lapped at this which he assured me was just like C during M-
pus and blood intermingled.

We also tried felching. That was fun too.

I would award top marks for both

cjackson@cvedg.Prime.COM comments:
Ah,  the taste [of] cunilingus [during mensturation]! What's even better
is if the girlie does a fanny fart and blows blood bubbles into your face.

Possible variation -
---------@------.--------.EDU (---- ------- -----):
Eating out a girl who had a yeast infection.  Note this description of a
vaginal yeast infection from my high school health book, and I quote:
    "Yeast infections are characterized by a thick, white, cheesy
    discharge...."

Yummmm.  Perfect to put on my bagel in the morning, I'd say.