How to Give Your Man the Best Blowjob He's Ever Had

                                  part one

                              by Elvis Little

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What is the secret of the blowjob? Better to ask how to play the stock
market, or why Michael and Lisa Marie, or how a just god could create a
universe containing great suffering -- the answers are simpler and require
fewer ascii-impossible illustrations. But having been on the giving and
receiving end of a few blowjobs in my time, and understanding the importance
of the question, I will give my answer.

The question has been asked as long as there have been words for the body
parts involved, and it is still being asked because no satisfying answer has
yet been given. True, sex manuals have been written with sections, chapters,
volumes on the blowjob, but the facts of the matter as explained in these
encyclopedias of technique only equip the reader to paint by numbers on a
canvas where more artistry than this is necessary.

Religious texts have, when not completely hush-hush about the subject, tried
to address the blowjob in spiritual, holistic terms. Unfortunately, the
success of these methods usually requires a wholesale adherence to the full
package of religious doctrines accompanying them, and so is useless (or
worse than useless) to most of us.

The common, catch-all advice -- "Well, just ask him what he likes!" -- is
far more flawed than the cliche-bearers will hint at. This for two reasons:
First, a man is often insufficiently aware of, and almost always
insufficiently coherent or revealing about the qualities that make a blowjob
most satisfying; Second, even if a man should be sufficiently investigative
and articulate, he will possess a fear that will prevent him from revealing
the true depth of his knowledge.

'What can you mean?' I hear you say. Can you really be saying that a man who
knows he can be instructive in teaching his partner to bring him to new
heights of ecstasy through oral sex will hide that knowledge away out of
fear? Fear of what?

It is good that you ask, because this is the kind of knowledge that will
help you, and the kind of knowledge you will not find in the encyclopedias
of perversion, nor will you discover it from interrogating your lover. If he
has felt a good blowjob, and if he suspects the heights to which his
pleasure can go if the continuum from blowjob to good blowjob to better
blowjob continues as he suspects it might, he will fear the following
things:

  1. He will fear being possessed
  2. He will fear causing you injury
  3. He will fear pain
  4. He will fear death

Let me explain these one by one. All animals, humans included, strive toward
pleasure and away from pain. Pleasure and pain are the feedback our brains
receive from our environment to instruct us and guide us to orient our lives
in ways which lead to the survival and propagation of the genes which worked
so hard to give us the capacity to feel pleasure and pain.

Because of the sophistication of the human brain, humans anticipate pain and
pleasure, concoct imaginary and speculative scenarios and do cost/benefit
analysis to maximize both long term and short term happiness, and minimize
corresponding pain. The sophistication of our algorithms, and the difficulty
involved in fine-tuning and second-guessing them leads to much of the angst
associated with the human condition, but also to much of what we consider
unique and honorable about our species.

But like many of the algorithms genetically concocted for us over the
millennia, this one is buggy. In the same way that our eyesight is
remarkable and our visions of the world stunningly accurate, yet optical
illusions can be devised which show us things that are not there, our
pleasure and pain monitoring system can be flummoxed by certain, rare,
pathological cases.

The textbook case of this is animals that have electrodes implanted in their
brains that directly stimulate the pleasure center. These animals will
continually press a lever which will activate these electrodes, abandoning
all other pursuits, including nourishment, to their eventual collapse and
death.

This is mimicked in human beings in the self-destructive behavior of (for
instance) bulimics, kleptomaniacs, and heroin addicts. What will an addict
do to stop the pain of withdrawal? What won't an addict do, ask instead. It
is as if the pleasure and pain monitors, which have been so reliable in
protecting the body and psyche from the dangers of the world, have been
taken over by some outside force and made to serve the devil.

It is this sort of possession that your lover fears, that should the
pleasure increase not far beyond the heights he has already experienced, he
will find his self-control has abandoned him utterly -- that the complex
equation of desire and prudence and the weights of long-term and short-term
pleasure has been reduced to a single term, the exponent on that term having
inflated until the other elements of the equation have surrendered and
withered away.

What will I say? Will I scream? Will I cry? Will I break something? Will I
make promises I cannot keep? What that is dear to me will I not be willing
to sacrifice to keep the pleasure from ending?

This fear is real, but it is addressable. It involves two things: an earned
trust and the hope of orgasm. The trust means that the man must believe that
whatever he utters, however he moves, even should he lose control of his
bowels or get a bloody nose or put his hand through the wall, the
consequences will be minor, and the giver of the blowjob will not react with
revulsion, fear, or anger. Tell him clearly, "I don't take very seriously
anything you say while I'm sucking you off." This will take some of the
pressure off. It is also best to perform the blowjob in a place where there
is little chance of injury to self or damage to valuables that might be
caused by thrashing around, and where screams of delight will not be a
social nuisance.

The second way to allay this fear is to show to your lover that you are
capable of bringing him to orgasm with your mouth. This does not have to be
a terrific blowjob or a terrific orgasm. It is just important that the
demonstration be given that the capability of release during oral sex
exists.

For men, the possession of the pleasure/pain monitor by a single, powerful
pleasure -- in this case oral sex -- has a built-in release valve. This is a
source of great relief. If this were not the case, it is possible that no
man would allow himself to be endangered by the possibility of a phenomenal
blowjob. After orgasm, while stimulation of the penis may still be
pleasurable, the accompanying compelling desire for more, more, more without
pause or stop, more, vanishes completely -- relaxation and relief replaces
apprehension and arousal.

The belief that the release of orgasm is possible lessens the fear of
possession -- eventually, thinks your lover, my self-control will return,
and what I get in return for loaning it off to the devil will be worth the
trade.

The second fear is very much related to the first, but because it is more
difficult for both you and your lover to deal with, it will be treated
separately. This is the fear that your lover has that he will hurt or injure
you at some point in the course of the blowjob.

It is easy to imagine that as the body and soul become more enslaved to the
pursuit of pleasure, that the involuntary muscle contractions that lead to
the bucking of hips, for instance, may lead to him thrusting his penis deep
into your mouth, causing you to gag or choke, or even chip your teeth on his
pubic bone. Perhaps he will buck you right off the bed, throw you into the
wall, squeeze you with his thighs so hard that your ribs break.

And who's to say he won't?

This is a fear you have to conquer as well. You asked how to give the best
blowjob, but did you ask as you should have what the consequences might be?

He also fears (though he may not admit it, even to himself) that as he loses
self-control and gives himself over completely to pleasure, that he may be
capable, possessed by the devil as he is, of violently violating you to
satisfy his lust. Unlikely, you say, that the gentle man on whom you are
going down would turn on you like that? He probably thinks so, too, but
wonders if maybe there is a line he has yet to cross beyond which he knows
nothing of the limits to his behavior.

You've read the statistics about date rape, and he has too, and maybe he is
one of the statistics, and he fears it could happen again. And maybe he's
not one of the statistics, but he wonders if there is a rapist inside of him
just needing a powerful enough incentive to emerge.

Maybe you find this exciting. You are a willing partner, and you want to
risk releasing the wild animal in your man. But think for a moment about
what he wants. Maybe he does have this beast inside of him, but maybe the
belief that he is far apart from evil is precious to him. Are you prepared
to show him his dark side and support him as he wrestles with the blow to
his self-image that will result?

This is powerful juju you're playing with here. I'm reminded of the
psychological experiment in which a faux psychological test was set up, in
which one subject would be hooked up to a machine in one room, the other
subject would be given the controls to the machine. The machine was
supposedly designed to give varying levels of pain as negative feedback when
the first subject did something incorrectly.

The first subject, however, was a confederate of the test-designers, and did
not actually feel any pain but merely screamed out as if the pain were real,
eventually begging to be released from the machine. The actual subject at
the controls, although very much aware that her/his actions were causing
pain, would turn up the dial and press the button repeatedly at the
instructions of the folks in the white smocks. A percentage of subjects,
disturbingly high if you maintain a belief in the innate goodness of your
fellow man, cranked the knob all the way up to ten.

This test was designed to show that if the holocaust were an ongoing project
here and now, most of us would happily join the crews hauling in the
trainloads of enemies of the state, only asking when the paychecks would
arrive and how long the lunch hour was.

But as holier-than-thou as the test designers made themselves out to be by
coming up with this ethical examination, I think they have a lot to answer
for. They showed many people that deep down inside they're good little
nazis. Then what? Any follow-up? "Sir, we have just demonstrated that at the
request of authority you are willing to torture your fellow man. Have a nice
day. Good-bye."

But what does this all have to do with oral sex, I hear someone in the back
of the room asking the person in the next desk over. You thought when you
asked the question that you'd hear as your answer a discussion of the
topology of the glans penis, a "to swallow or not to swallow" debate, maybe
a catalog of lubricants or flavoring agents. But a discussion of morality,
spirituality, ethics, fear? Where does this fit in?

I'm discussing fear, because the obstacle to a monumental blowjob is only
technique when the inept and uncaring, or those who think the only "secret
to the blowjob" is that it's a misnomer, are still included in the
discussion. Some of the best blowjobs I received were from a virgin who'd
never seen an erection before and was so ignorant about sexuality that she
asked me with fear, embarrassment and shock why her vulva was becoming moist
during our petting sessions. Experience and technique separate bad blowjobs
from good blowjobs, and help, certainly, in summoning a great blowjob, but a
phenomenal blowjob is a thing of magic, not of flesh.

So I must return to fear, the primal emotion. The third fear is the fear of
pain. Not the pain that might be inadvertently caused by the involuntary
motions of ecstasy propelling limbs against bedposts, and not (except in
exceptional and unhappy cases) the fear that you will do damage to his
genitals with your teeth, but the pain caused by pleasure reaching new
heights and flooding the brain with undifferentiated sensations which may
entirely by accident stumble upon pockets of pain.

Perhaps, your lover holds as a deep and secret worry, there will be some
phase transition as the pleasure rises beyond a certain threshold and it
will crystallize as pain, but pain wearing the clothes of pleasure and
containing within it the same compulsion to make it continue and increase. I
will be begging for more even as it rips through me like fire.

The fine boundary between pleasure and pain, a boundary so fine that it
seems sometimes instead like an axis on which spins a pleasure-pain
continuum, has been remarked upon enough in the world's literature that
interested parties can be referred elsewhere. Try the alt.sex.bondage crowd.

But who can he discuss his fear of pain with? His friends? "I'm afraid of
having a blowjob so good that it hurts." "Heh heh... Hope I get that lucky!"
His lover? "I'm afraid it will throw me over into pain." "Don't you trust me
not to hurt you?" No, this secret fear is his alone. He may never share it,
and only he can conquer it. Patience and trust may be your only allies.

The fourth fear -- the fear of death -- is the most difficult to believe,
and is difficult to explain in a way that makes it believable. Surely, the
objection runs, nobody has died from a blowjob, right?

Not to the knowledge of this researcher. But if this fear were just the
result of reading risk tables like some sort of insurance company accountant
and dolloping out an appropriate hunk of apprehension, it would not be as
widespread as it is.

Not that it's universal. It seems to blossom in men only as they begin to
taste the heights of sexual ecstasy, so that the more of the fruits of lust
are consumed, the more developed is the intuition that a confrontation with
mortality is the dessert to this most appealing of meals.

Not expiration of the physical body, not just death itself, but a head-on
collision with the frailty of the animal body and the depth of eternity. The
French call orgasm the "little death," but this is just a description of one
of the experiences that suggest this intuition -- experiential metaphors --
not a description of the intuition itself.

There's nothing "little" about it. Each of us has pretensions of
immortality, beliefs that what is essentially true, solid, and unique about
each of us is in some way disconnected from the animal we inhabit. Sexual
abandon is to a large extent an abandonment of this pretense, an
identification of the self with the skin, the flesh, the nervous system.
Until now, your lover has at the moments of his most thorough abandon kept a
trail of breadcrumbs back to the soul he imagines he is. But he fears that
as the winds kick up in the chaotic maelstrom of total sensual abandon, the
trail will be swept away, and he will be left to identify himself only with
this body, this mortal body, this decaying animal which in a few years will
begin an eternity-long process of being scattered to the winds of entropy.

It is like vertigo, this revulsion he feels as he approaches this chasm of
time into which he imagines falling and disintegrating until history ends.
He is incapable of conquering this fear, and you are incapable of helping
him. He can only feel it, and shake inside, and continue anyway. This is the
secret of tantric sexuality, in which the elimination of the ego in
precisely this manner is encouraged. The other fears you must respect and
honor, but this one you can only respect.

You thought you were asking a simple question, deserving a simple answer.
Now that you know what you're up against, is your curiosity still piqued?
Now that I have presented an introduction to what is most important to keep
in mind when in pursuit of the perfect blowjob, I will start in part two to
discuss mundane matters of technique which may be of assistance.

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            How to Give Your Man the Best Blowjob He's Ever Had

                    part two: A discussion of technique

                              by Elvis Little

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There is a peculiar uncertainty principle regarding the subjective analysis
of a blowjob that makes discussion of technique especially problematic. That
principle is as follows: The ability of a man to accurately and completely
analyze the causation of a sexual stimulus is inversely proportional to the
power of that stimulus. Or in other words, the better it makes you feel, the
less capable you are of paying attention to what exactly it is that is
making you feel so good.

So, rather than getting too specific into technique (and what techniques are
best varies from man to man anyway), I will just share some things I have
learned, including general observations I have picked up from time to time
as I go.

Probably the best way to learn the details of technique is just to practice
frequently and with as many men as you are comfortable practicing with. Pay
close attention to the feedback you are receiving from them (moans, gasps,
body motions), and encourage accurate feedback. A man may, for some reason,
be giving feedback which is unrelated to his actual feelings. He may be
stifling expression out of embarrassment or shyness, or he may be
exaggerating his pleasure as a way of thanking or complementing you. Do what
you can to show your lover that you value his accurate, natural feedback.
Then vary your technique all over the map, and see where the oases of
paradise lie.

There is a caveat here, however. It is possible to stimulate a man in such a
way that is irritating, he may call it "too good" or "too sensitive." This
is not a subtle way of saying "you've found the right spot!" It should be
taken literally as a thing to be avoided. In the same way that french fries
taste good with a little salt on them, but pouring a shaker-full of salt on
your fry won't make it better than good, "too sensitive" isn't better than
"sensitive." The reason I bring this up at this point is that if for some
reason your lover is shy about discussing sex, or is habitually
incommunicado during sex-play, the gasps and body spasms that accompany
these "too sensitive" touchings may mimic the gasps and body spasms you are
trying to discover. So be aware.

The topics I'd like to introduce in this discussion of technique are:

  1. Antici...pation
  2. Suction, teeth, and other mechanical details
  3. The Hand
  4. "Swallowing"
  5. The perineum
  6. Anal play
  7. Chemical assistance

ANTICI...PATION

He will curse you, but thank you later, if you visit most of his body with
your tongue, stopping occasionally, but only briefly, at his penis, biting
his nipples, kissing his inner thighs, taking one testicle at a time into
your mouth, building up anticipation for a while before plunging into a
full-bore oral assault.

I do not know why this is, only that it is so. Building anticipation
(similar to, but distinct from teasing) is an important element in The Best
Blowjob.

It is possible to carry this too far. In the "blue balls" phenomenon, the
man has had an erection for so long that his penis actually aches, and the
ceiling of possible pleasure falls to a point where even the best technique
will only result in a merely satisfactory orgasm. It is not too hard to find
a middle ground. The amount of time necessary to build anticipation really
isn't all that much, whereas the time required for "blue balls" to set in is
fairly long.

SUCTION, TEETH, AND OTHER MECHANICAL DETAILS

You know by now, I'm sure, that there isn't much "blowing" involved in a
blowjob, but you may be unsure as to how much "sucking" is needed to suck
someone off. Is there really suction involved, or is the pressure of lips
and tongue enough to do the job?

Suction is not necessary, but can be an enhancement if done well (and this
is just a knack). If suction is used well, a larger surface area of the
penis comes into contact with a larger surface area of the mouth, cheeks and
tongue and with more pressure, which can be a Good Thing. If you can suck
the cheeks in so far as to create a buffer to keep the teeth away from the
penis, so much the better.

It is hard to give a blowjob without your teeth coming in contact with his
erection, but this is the ideal. A small amount of contact, incidental
contact, is no foul, and no flag is thrown, but a lot of teeth is so
distracting as to make the whole enterprise not worth the trouble.

Try different positions and locations to find the one which allows you to
take as much of the erection in your mouth as you can without it rubbing
against your teeth. It may take a few tries to find the position that's best
for you, but I bet he won't complain that you want to experiment again.

A position is best if it allows your tongue to rest against the underside of
the penis (the side away from the body when the penis is erect). Where the
glans comes together into a cleft on this side is perhaps the most sensitive
part of the penis (another nominee is the nearby piss-slit, or urethral
opening), and is a part that should be most thoroughly tongued during oral
sex.

The majority of your blowjob should probably involve licking the head of the
penis while it is in your mouth, and bobbing your mouth up and down on the
upper couple of inches of the penis, but varying this with "deep-throating"
the penis and with removing the penis from your mouth altogether to use your
tongue all over the head and shaft can be nice.

THE HAND

Should the hand be used? This is a tough one. It is a trade-off between
quality and frequency of fellated orgasm. It can be very difficult to bring
a man to orgasm with your mouth. It usually takes much longer than
intercourse or hand-jobs. And for many people, the endurance, and the
ability to keep your mouth open that long, is wanting.

A compromise is to keep the mouth bobbing just on the head of the penis,
while performing a hand-job with the hand somewhat lower on the base of the
penis than normal (so you do not club yourself in the lips on the up-swing).
This gives the wonderful pleasure of having the head of the penis in the
mouth, while at the same time making it easier on the person giving the
blow-job by not requiring so much depth of oral penetration and by speeding
orgasm.

While this is certainly fine and dandy on occasion, and is very much
recommended, it is not really a blowjob. It is not the summoning of an
orgasm orally, but the augmentation of a hand-job with oral stimulation. Not
really in the same ballpark.

So should you use your hand? Yes, of course, if you both enjoy it. But not
if you're trying to give your man the best blowjob he's ever had.

"SWALLOWING"

You may have noticed that there is a great deal said when the topic of
blowjobs is raised about "swallowing." Some people do, some people don't.
The ones that do are usually preferred, or at least especially appreciated.

"Swallowing" is actually a misnomer. Just as "blowjobs" don't have much to
do with "blowing," "swallowing" isn't really about gulping a load of semen
down your throat. It's a code word. When you are asked "do you swallow?"
what it really means is, "will you continue to perform oral sex on me while
I ejaculate, or will you remove your mouth at that point?" Whether you
swallow or spit after you get a mouthful of jizm is a non-issue.

There are two reasons why this is a concern. First and most obviously, if
you have been bringing a man to orgasm with your mouth, having the source of
that pleasurable sensation removed at the height of orgasm is a bit of a
letdown, and replacing the gentle, warm wet sucking with a last-minute hand
job is a poor substitute (poor being a relative term here).

Secondly, if you are a "non-swallower," the man will generally feel
obligated to warn you after he has passed the point of ejaculatory
inevitability as a courtesy to you to allow you to remove your face from the
impact zone in time. But for the man to set up a monitor in his mind for
this purpose means that he cannot become fully immersed in the blowjob, but
must remain partially apart from it, watching objectively, ready to wave the
warning flag. This, too, detracts from the experience.

THE PERINEUM

The perineum deserves a footnote here, as it is surprisingly underutilized.
It is the ridge of flesh between the anus and the scrotum. It represents a
continuation of the tubes which make up the penis and are engorged with
blood during erection.

Pressure applied to the perineum during an erection will cause an effect
similar to squeezing the middle of a balloon -- the rest of the balloon will
inflate larger. Similarly, when the perineum is pressed, blood will push
into the rest of the penis, causing the glans (head) to grow larger and more
nerve endings in it to be exposed to your tongue. Get the picture?

Note that simply holding pressure on the perineum won't do the trick.
Pressure must be applied, then released, the applied again and so on. Note
also that if you have long fingernails, you should not use your fingertips
to do the pressing!

ANAL PLAY

I have come across (in, and upon) few people who do not appreciate having a
tongue deep in their asshole, and I'm no exception. Unfortunately, there is
a fairly huge taboo about the anus which keeps many people from exploring
the pleasure to be reaped from this part of the body.

Anal penetration (by dildo, finger, or penis, if you're flexible and male)
is a welcome addition to many a blowjob, and rimming (oral-anal contact,
analingus) can be positively delightful and should be considered as an
element in The Best Blowjob He's Ever Had. If you're squeamish about
rimming, give him a thorough soap-and water washing, and maybe try a dab of
honey to make the taste especially pleasant.

One possible effect of anal penetration is stimulation of the prostate
gland. This gland is found just forward (toward the belly) of the rectum, a
few inches in. This can be somewhat pleasurable on its own, or even somewhat
uncomfortable, but in any case tends to increase the power (and the fluid
output) of the orgasm.

CHEMICAL ASSISTANCE

Some people swear by the psychedelics -- others say MDMA (extasy) is just
the thing. Poppers (amyl nitrate and related substances) have their
cheerleaders, too. My most enthusiastic recommendation is for marijuana.
This is not an aphrodisiac in the sense of a drug that awakens sexual desire
where it does not exist, or promotes erection where erection is wanting, but
marijuana is a drug which enhances the sexual experience, metaphorically
turning a sandwich into a manwich.

Of course, marijuana affects different people differently, and the side
effects (which may include drowsiness, enlightenment, or imprisonment) may
detract in their own way from the sexual experience. Nonetheless, if you
haven't tried it, I strongly recommend a little experimentation. Both the
giver and receiver can benefit from its effects.

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