AOH :: TMOLIFE.TXT
Complete unofficial script of Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"
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From: ICS$4224%Vega@SLU.BITNET
Subject: The Meaning of Life - script
To: "Matt Johnson" <CC64@SDSUMUS.BITNET>,
Denise Bauer <CC70@SDSUMUS.BITNET>,
Chris Taylor <CC72@SDSUMUS.BITNET>,
Mike Haack <CC75@SDSUMUS.BITNET>,
janelle rens <CC80@SDSUMUS.BITNET>
There has been much time and work put into this file, BUT... I admit, there
still are mistakes and quotes and words I just couldn't pick up on or actors
that I couldn't remember. I would appreciate anyone making corrections to this
script and leaving me a note of it.
Enjoy....
Matthew G. Corless
(University of Washington)
LOOKER@MAX (max.u.washington.edu)
______________________
/| |
| | Monty Python's |
| | |
| | THE MEANING OF LIFE |
| |______________________|
|/_______________________/
---------------------------
|Short Feature Presentation|
---------------------------
NARRATOR: In the bleak days of 1983 as England languished in the doldrums of
a ruinous monitorous policy, the good loyal men of the Permanent
Assurance Company, a once proud family firm, had fallen on hard
times strained under the yoke of their oppresive new corporate
management.
(Slaves Rowing a Boat)
(whip... crack... moan... sad music)
CORP PRES: That's it Evans, you're fired... you heard me OUT!
LEADER OF PAC: Did you hear that? He's been sacked!
MEMBERS OF PAC: Sacked? Sacked?
LEADER: Come on boys let's get at them.
(Fighting... fists... weapons... one board of director falls after
another to the old men of the Permanent Assurance Company...
Finally, the president is forced to walked the plank)
Aaaaaahhhhhhh
MEMBERS: Yaaaaayy
LEADER: Quiet... Silence! Let's move! You, you and you... break out the
weapons. You, you and you... into the rigging. And you... put
the kettle on.
(preparations are made for the launching of the Permanent
Assurance Company onto the corporate seas)
LEADER: Weigh Anchor!!!
(The anchor is pulled from the city street below... people gaze in
astonishment... the sails are filled with air and the entire
building starts to move)
MEMBERS: Yaaayyy... Hurrah!
NARRATOR: And so... the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the
high seas of international finance.
There it lay the prize they sought. A financial district swollen
with multi-nationals, conglomerates, and fat bloated merchant
banks.
LEADER: Allright lads battle stations. Move it Move it!
Allright men that's enough.. take cover!
(The Permanent Assurance travels throught the high glass towers
of the financial district. They attack the Very Big Corporation
with the drawers from their file cabinets... the old men lay siege
upon the Very Big Corporation... a battle emerges)
VBG PRES: Eric... get the receipts, Ross... get the readouts!
(uggh... oooh.... swoop... slash... bif... bop.. pow)
(The battle is bloody but the Permanent Assurance slowly gains
the advantage in battle...)
VBG MEMBER: Take this!
VBG MEMBER: File this!
(The old men force the last survivor out the window plummeting to
his death)
VBG MEMBER: OH shit!... AAAhhhhhh!
NARRATOR: And so... hardened by their initial success, the desperate and
reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance battled on...
until... as the sun set slowly in the west, the outstanding
returns on their bold business adventure became apparent. Once
proud financial giants lay in ruins, their assetts stripped, their
policies in tatters.
LEADER: Full speed ahead Mr. Cohen!
PERMANENT IT'S FUN TO CHARTER AN ACCOUNTANT
ASSURANCE AND SAIL THE WIDE ACCOUNTANT SEA.
COMPANY TO FIND, EXPLORE, THE FUNDS MARKED SHORE
IN UNISON: AND STIR THE SHORES OF BANKRUPTCY.
IT'S CANDY DANDY ON THE SHORES,
WE'LL KNOCK YOUR PREMIUMS SEMI-ANNUALLY.
IT'S ALL TAX-DEDUCTIBLE WERE VERY INCORRUPTABLE
WERE SAILING ON THE WIDE ACCOUNTANT SEA!
NARRATOR: And so they sailed off into the ledgers of history, one by one
the financial capitols of the world crumbling under the might of
their business acumen. Or so it would have been... if certain
modern theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.
(The ship of the Permanent Assurance Company falls off the side of
the Earth)
--------------------
|FEATURE PRESENTATION|
--------------------
FISH #1: Morning
FISH #2: Morning
ALL FISH: Morning
FISH #3 What's new
Not much.
ALL FISH: Morning
FISH #4: Frank was just asking what's new.
Yes.. hmmm
FISH #2: Look Howard's being eaten
FISH #1: Is he?
FISH #2: Makes you think doesn't it? I mean what's it all about?
FISH #4: Beats me?
OPENING TITLE:
WHY ARE WE HERE? WHAT'S LIFE ALL ABOUT?
IS GOD REALLY REAL, OR IS THERE SOME DOUBT?
WELL TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO SORT IT ALL OUT,
FOR TONIGHT IT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THESE HOAX?
IS IT THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG TIME, ARE WE JUST YOKES?
OR PERHAPS WE'RE JUST ONE OF GOD'S LITTLE JOKES,
WELL SO SAY THE MEANING OF LIFE.
IS LIFE JUST A GAME WHERE WE MAKE UP THE RULES
WHERE WE'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING TO SAY?
OR ARE WE JUST SIMPLY SPIRALLING COILS
OF SELF-REPLICATING DNA?
IN THIS LIFE, WHAT IS OUR FATE?
IS THEIR A HEAVEN AND HELL, DO WE REINCARNATE?
IS MANKIND EVOLVING OR IS IT TOO LATE?
WELL TONIGHT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE
FOR MILLIONS, THIS LIFE IS A SAD VEIL OF TEARS,
SITTING ROUND WITH REALLY NOTHING TO SAY.
WHILE SCIENTISTS SAY WE'RE JUST SIMPLY SPIRALLING COILS
OF SELF-REPLICATING DNA.
SO JUST WHY? WHY ARE WE HERE?
AND JUST WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT DO WE FEAR?
WELL CE SOIR, FOR A CHANGE IT WILL ALL BE MADE CLEAR
FOR THIS IS THE MEANING OF LIFE.
C'EST LE SENS DE LA VIE!
THIS IS THE MEANING OF LIFE
NARRATOR: PART ONE: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
(Mother being rushed to the delivery room on a dolly)
(Doctors flipping cards into a hat)
DOCTOR 1: One thousand and eight!
NURSE: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent doctor.
DOCTOR 1: Good, take her into the fetus frightening room.
NURSE: Right.
DOCTOR 2: I say, it's a bit barren in here isn't it?
DOCTOR 1: Yes
Yes, more operators please nurse. The EG, the BP monitor, and
the AVV.
NURSE: Yes, most certainly doctor.
DOCTOR 2: And get the machine that goes "PING"
DOCTOR 1: And get the most expensive machine in case the administrator
comes.
(Machines are wheeled into the operating room)
DOCTOR 1: Lovely, lovely, jolly good, that's better, much much better.
DOCTOR 2: Yes, that's more like it.
DOCTOR 1: Uhh... still something missing though.
DCTRS1&2: PATIENT!
DOCTOR 2: Yes, where's the patient?
DOCTOR 1: Anyone seen the patient?
NURSE: Ahhh... here she is!
DOCTOR 1: Bring her over here.
DOCTOR 2: Mind the machine.
NURSE: Sorry Doctor..
DOCTOR 1: Come along.
NURSE: Jump on it... hup!
DOCTOR 1: Hello, now don't you worry.
DOCTOR 2: We'll soon have you cured!
DOCTOR 1: Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.
DOCTOR 1: Goodbye
DOCTOR 2: Goodbye
DOCTOR 1: Trips up. Injections!
DOCTOR 2: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
DOCTOR 1: Only if I can do the episiotomy.
DOCTOR 2: OK.
DOCTOR 1: Here here. Legs up!
DOCTOR 1: Come in!
(Reporters and photographers enter the fetus frightening room)
DOCTOR 1: Who are you?
HUSBAND: I am the husband.
DOCTOR 1: I am sorry, only people involved are allowed in here.
MOTHER: What do I do?
DOCTOR 2: Yes?
MOTHER: What do I Do?
DOCTOR 2: Nothing dear, you're not qualified!
DOCTOR 1: Leave it to us!
MOTHER: What's that for?
DOCTOR 1: That's the machine that goes "PING"
(PING)
DOCTOR 1: You see, that means your baby is still alive!
DOCTOR 2: And that is the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!
DOCTOR 1: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
DOCTOR 2: Aren't you lucky?!
NURSE: The administrator is here doctor.
DOCTOR 1: Switch everything on!
(bleep... whirrr... bing... rumble rumble)
ADMNSTR: AH very impressive, very impressive, and what are you doing this
morning?
DOCTOR 2: It is a birth.
ADMNSTR: Ahhh,.. and what sort of thing is that?
DOCTOR 2: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
ADMNSTR: Wonderful what you can do nowadays. (PING) Ahh, I see that you
have the machine that goes "PING". This is my favorite. You see
we leased it back from the company we sold it to and that way it
comes out of the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
(applause)
Thank you, thank you, we try to do our best, well do carry on.
NURSE: Oh the vulva's dialating doctor!
DOCTOR 1: Oh yes, there is the head... four centimeters, five, six
centimeters.
DOCTOR 2: Lights...amplify the "PING" machine.
DOCTOR 1: Suction!
DOCTOR 2: Eyes down for a full house!
DOCTOR 1: Here it comes! And... frighten it!
(Doctor removes umbilical cord with a butcher knife)
DOCTOR 2: And... towels!
DOCTOR 1: Show it to the mother.
(A bloody fresh infant is shoved into the mother's face for a sec)
That's enough.
DOCTOR 2: Right, sedate her!
DOCTOR 1: Number the child.
DOCTOR 2: Measure his bloodtype and isolate it!
NURSE: OK, shows over!
(Crowd shuffles out of the operating room)
MOTHER: A boy or a girl?
DOCTOR 1: Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it,
don't you? Now a word of advice, you may find that you suffer for
some time a totally irrational feeling of depression, PMD as we
doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you and you
can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's
available on Betamax, VHS, and Super-8.
*PING*
NARRATOR: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH PART II, THE THIRD WORLD
(Yorkshire)
(Stork flies overhead and drops a baby into the chimney)
FATHER: Oh bloody hell!
(Baby falls out of mother while doing dishes)
MOTHER: Oh get that would you Diedre?
DIEDRE: Right Mum.
MOTHER: Now whose tea time is it?
CHILDREN: Mine!!!
MOTHER: Now.. Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha
it's your bed time.
CHILDREN: Oh mum!
MOTHER: Now, don't argue. Lora, Alfred, Nygel, Annie, Simon, and ...
(Father walks into the room)
FATHER: WAIT! I've got something to tell the whole family.
MOTHER: Oh quick, go let the others in Gordon!
FATHER: The mill's closed, there's no more work. We're destitute.
CHILDREN: Ooohhh!
FATHER: Come in my loves... I've got no option but to sell you all for
scientific experiment. No, no, that's the way it is my loves.
Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear one of those
little rubber things. Oh they've done some wonderful things in
their time; They've preserved the might and majesty, even the
mystery of the Church of Rome. And the sanctity of sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the trinity, but if they let me wear
one of those little rubber things at the end of my cock we
wouldn't be in the mess we're in now.
SON: Couldn't mummy have worn some sort of ????
FATHER: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing
religion in the world my boy.
MOTHER: Oh, he's right.
FATHER: You see... we believe.. well let me put it like this:
FATHER: THERE ARE JEWS IN THE WORLD, THERE ARE BUDDHISTS
THERE ARE HINDUS AND MORMONS AND THEN,
THERE ARE THOSE THAT FOLLOW MOHAMMED, BUT,
I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE OF THEM.
I'M A ROMAN CATHOLIC,
I HAVE BEEN SINCE BEFORE I WAS BORN.
AND THE ONE THING THEY SAY ABOUT CATHOLICS IS...
THEY'LL TAKE YOU AS SOON AS YOUR WARM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A SIX-FOOTER,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A GREAT BRAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON...
YOU'RE A CATHOLIC THE MOMENT DAD CAME.
BECAUSE...
EVERY SPERM IS SACRED, EVERY SPERM IS GREAT,
IF A SPERM IS WASTED, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE.
CHILDREN: EVERY SPERM IS SACRED, EVERY SPERM IS GREAT,
IF A SPERM IS WASTED, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE.
DAUGHTER: LET THE HEATHENS SPILL THEIRS, ON THE DUSTY GROUND,
GOD WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR EACH SPERM THAT CAN'T BE FOUND
CHILDREN: EVERY SPERM IS WANTED, EVERY SPERM IS GOOD,
EVERY SPERM IS NEEDED IN YOUR NEIGBORHOOD.
MOTHER: HINDU, TAOIST, MORMON, SPILL THEIRS JUST ANYWHERE,
BUT GOD LOVES THOSE WHO TREAT THEIR SEMEN WITH MORE CARE.
YOUNG MEN: EVERY SPERM IS SACRED, EVERY SPERM IS GREAT
YNG WOMEN: IF A SPERM IS WASTED, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE.
PRIEST: EVERY SPERM IS SACRED
NEWLYWEDS: EVERY SPERM IS GOOD,
WOMEN: EVERY SPERM IS NEEDED,
MEN: IN YOUR NEIGBORHOOD.
CHILDREN: EVERY SPERM IS USEFUL, EVERY SPERM IS FINE,
GOD NEEDS EVERYBODY'S
MINE
AND MINE
DEAD MAN: AND MINE
(MUSICAL INTERLUDE AND DANCE)
NUNS: LET THE PAGANS SPILL THEIRS ON MOUNTAIN, HILL, AND PLAIN.,
GOD SHALL STRIKE THEM DOWN FOR EACH SPERM THAT SPILT IN VAIN.
EVERYONE: EVERY SPERM IS SACRED EVERY SPERM IS GOOD,
EVERY SPERM IS NEEDED IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
EVERY SPERM IS SACRED, EVERY SPERM IS GREAT,
IF A SPERM IS WASTED, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE!
FATHER: So you see my problem little ones... I can't keep you all here
any longer.
DAUGHTER: Speak UP!
FATHER: I said I can't keep you all here any longer. God has blessed us
so much, I can't afford to feed you anymore.
NYGEL: Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
FATHER: Oh, it's not as simple as that Nygel. God knows all, he'd see
through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to
Him.
SON: You could have had them pulled off in an accident.
CHILDREN: Ya, YA, that's a good idea.
FATHER: Now, now, children, I know your trying to help but believe me,
my mind's made up, I've given this long and careful thought and
it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.
(Every Sperm is Sacred is softly sung in the background as a
more fortunate "Protestant" looks out his window and the little
Catholic children exiting their former home)
HARRY: Look at them. Bloody Catholics, filling up the bloody world
up with bloody people that can't afford to bloody feed.
WIFE: What are we dear?
HARRY: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it!
WIFE: Oh... well why do they have so many children?
HARRY: Because, every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to
have a baby.
WIFE: But it's the same with us Harry.
HARRY: What do you mean?
WIFE: Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual inter-
course twice.
HARRY: That's not the point... we could have it any time we wanted.
WIFE: Really?
HARRY: Oh yes, and what's more, because we don't believe in all that
Papist clap-jap we can take precautions.
WIFE: What do you mean? Lock the door?
HARRY: No, no, I mean because we are members of the Protestant reformed
church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the
Papacy in the mid-16th century, we can wear little rubber devices
to prevent issue.
WIFE: What do you mean?
HARRY: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...
WIFE: Oh yes, Harry!
HARRY: And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fella, I could ensure
that when I came off you would not be impregnated.
WIFE: Oooh!
HARRY: That's what being Protestant is all about. That's why it's the
Church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects
the individual, and the individual's right to decide for him or
herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church
door in 1517, he may not have realized the full significance of
what he was doing. But, 400 years later, thanks to him my dear,
I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism
doesn't stop at the simple condom, oh no! I can wear french
ticklers if I want.
WIFE: You what?
HARRY: French ticklers, black mambles, crocodile ribs, sheaths that are
designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation
of sexual congress.
WIFE: Have you got one?
HARRY: Have I got one? Well, no. But, I can go down the road any time
I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in
a loud steady voice "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom, in
fact today I think I'll have a french tickler for I am a
Protestant."
WIFE: Well, why don't you?
HARRY: But they, they cannot because their church never made the great
leap out of the middle ages and the domination of alien episcopals
who premise it.
NARRATOR: But despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of
sex for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.
NARRATOR: THE MEANING OF LIFE PART II, GROWTH AND LEARNING:
HAMILTON: ... and spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour.
And so the Mideonites went forth to ram Gilead in Kadesh -
Gilgameth by shore Ethber Bigallion to the House of Gashbil
Betheul Bazda he who brought the Battadish to Balshazar and the
tent peg to the House of Rashabon. And there slew they the
goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little parts. Here endeth
the lesson.
CHAPLAIN: Let us praise God:
O Lord
CONGREGATN: O Lord
CHAPLAIN: Oh You are so big!
CONGREGATN: Oh You are so big!
CHAPLAIN: So absolutely huge!
CONGREGATN: So absolutely huge!
CHAPLAIN: Gosh we're all really impressed down here I can tell You.
CONGREGATN: Gosh we're all really impressed down here I can tell You.
CHAPLAIN: Forgive us O Lord for this our dreadful toting.
CONGREGATN: And this dreadful flattery.
CHAPLAIN: But You are so strong and well just so super.
CONGREGATN: Fantastic.
CHAPLAIN: Amen.
HAMILTON: Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school
cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not
play an important part in the life of the school but I would
remind you that it was presented to us by the corporation of the
town of Cipery to commemorate Empire Day when we try to remember
the names of all those from the Cipery area who served gallantly,
gave their lives, to keep China British. So from now on, the
cormorant is strictly OUT OF BOUNDS!
Oh... and Jenkins... apparently your mother died this morning.
Chaplain.
(music)
CHAPLAIN O LORD PLEASE DON'T BURN US, DONT KILL OR TOAST YOUR FLOCK,
& CONGRE- DON'T PUT US ON THE BAR-B-QUE OR SIMMER US IN STOCK.
GATION: DON'T BRAIZE, OR BAKE, OR BOIL US OR STIR FRY US IN A WOK.
O PLEASE DON'T LIGHTLY POACH US, OR BASTE US WITHOUT FAT
DON'T FRICASSE OR ROAST US, OR BOIL US IN A VAT.
AND PLEASE DON'T STICK THY SERVANTS LORD IN ?????????
(Students busily working on their homework in a classroom)
He's coming!
(Ruckus and paper airplanes)
HAMILTON: Allright, settle down, settle down. Now before I begin the lesson
will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon
move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch
before you write your letter home if you're not getting your hair
cut unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this
weekend as the guest of another boy in which case collect his note
before lunch put it in your letter after your haircut and make
sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you.
Now...
WYMER: Sir?
HAMILTON: Yes Wymer?
WYMER: My younger brother is going out with Dibble this weekend sir, but
I'm not having my haircut today sir, so do I move clothes now
or...
HAMILTON: I do wish you would listen Wymer it's perfectly simple. If you
are not getting your haircut then you don't have to move your
brother's clothes down to the lower peg, you simply collect his
note before lunch after you have done your scripture prep when you
have written your letter home before rest, move your own clothes
onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr Biney
that you've had your jigside.
Now... SEX! Sex, Sex, Sex. Where were we?
(No answer)
Well had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
CLASS: No... NO, no sir, no sir
HAMILTON: Well, had I done foreplay?
CLASS: Yes... yes sir, yes sir.
HAMILTON: Ahhh... well as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can
tell me what the purpose of foreplay is... Biggs.
BIGGS: Uhhh... I don't know, sorry sir.
HAMILTON: Carter?
CARTER: Oh, uh, was it taking your clothes off sir?
HAMILTON: And after that?
WYMER: Oh, uh, putting them on the lower peg sir?
(Hamilton throws an eraser at Wymer)
HAMILTON: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so
that the penis can penetrate more easily.
CARTER: Could we have a window up please sir?
HAMILTON: Yes, Harris, would you? And of course to cause the man's penis
to erect and har... den. Now... did I do vaginal juices last
week? Oh do pay attention Wadsworth, I know it's Friday after...
Oh watching the football are you boy? Right, move over there.
I'm warning you... I may decide to set an exam this term.
CLASS: Oh sir?
HAMILTON: So just listen. Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?
CLASS: Yes sir, yes sir.
HAMILTON: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
WATSON: Rubbing the clitoris sir?
HAMILTON: What's wrong with a kiss boy? Why not start her off with a nice
kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris
like a bullet... give her a kiss boy!
WYMER: Suck the nipple sir?
HAMILTON: Good, good, well done Wymer.
WADSWORTH: Striking the thigh sir?
HAMILTON: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
CARTER: Sir, sir, biting the neck.
HAMILTON: Yes, good, needling the earlobe, needling the buttocks and so on
and so forth ... so we have all these possibilities before we
stampede toward the clitoris, Watson.
WATSON: Yes sir, sorry sir.
HAMILTON: Now... all these forms of stimulation can now take place.
(A fold out canopy bed is released from the wall in the classroom)
And of course tonguing will give you the best idea of how the
juices are coming along.
Now, penetration and coitus, that is to say intercourse up to
and including orgasm...
(Hamilton's wife enters the room)
Ahhh... hello dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room,
Carter.
CARTER: Oh sorry sir, sorry.
WIFE: Humphry, I hope you don't mind but I told the Garfields that we
would dine with them tonight.
HAMILTON: Yes, yes, well I suppose we must.
WIFE: Well, I said we'd be there by eight.
(Hamilton and his wife begin to remove their clothes)
HAMILTON: Well at least we couldn't get a reason to wind up at a staff
meeting.
WIFE: Well I know you don't like them but I couldn't make another
excuse.
HAMILTON: Well it's just that I... Wymer! This is for your benefit...
would you kindly wake up? I have no intention of going through
this all again.
(Hamilton and his wife are on the bed naked)
We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind dear?
WIFE: No, of course not Hamilton.
(Hamilton and his wife demonstrate first hand as the class
watches)
HAMILTON: So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife
in the standard way. Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe,
more or less, fully erect. There we are... ahhh that's better.
Carter?
CARTER: Yes sir?
HAMILTON: What is it?
CARTER: It's nocurina sir.
HAMILTON: Bring it up here. The man now starts making thrusting movements
with his pelvic area moving the penis up and down inside the
vagina... so put it there, boy, put it there on the table.
(Carter places a note on the table)
While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of
the penis by pushing forward. Thank you dear. Now... as the
sexual excitement mounts... What's funny Biggs?
BIGGS: Nothing sir.
HAMILTON: Oh do please share your little joke with the rest of us, I mean
obviously something frightfully funny is going on.
BIGGS: No, honestly sir.
HAMILTON: Well, as its so funny, I think that you should be selected to
play for the boys team in the rugby match against the masters this
afternoon.
BIGGS: Oh no sir?
(Rugby match is a violent game between a bunch of big brutes
and weakling kids. They older team cheats and pounds upon the
younger team... the victors celebrate, the younger team limps off
the field)
NARRATOR: THE MEANING OF LIFE PART III- FIGHTING EACH OTHER
CPT BIGGS: OK, Blagget, Stoek, and Walters you take the left flank. Hordon
Spadger grab the gunpost.
BLAGGET: Hang on just a sec sir, you'll never make it, let us come with
with you.
CPT BIGGS: Do it though man.
BLAGGET: Righto skipper. Oh sir, sir, if we... we don't meet again sir,
I'd like to say it's been a real privelege fighting along side
of you sir.
CPT BIGGS: Yes... yes... This is hardly the time or place for a goodbye
speech eh?
BLAGGET: No, no, I mean let's realize it sir, I mean we may never meet
again sir, so...
CPT BIGGS: Allright, Blagget, thanks alot.
BLAGGET: No, just a moment sir, see me and the lads we've had a little
wiff around sir...
WALTERS: We bought you something sir, we bought you this sir.
(Walters brings out a glass clock)
CPT BIGGS: Oh, well it... I don't know what to say, it's a lovely thought,
thank you, thank you all. I think we'd all better get under cover!
(Another clock is brought up out of the trench)
BLAGGET: Wait, wait, we've got something else for you sir. I know it's
another clock, sorry it was a bit of mixup.
Walters thought that he was buying a present and Spadger and I
had already got the other one.
CPT BIGGS: Well, it's beautiful,it's...
(Gunfire shoots the clock)
Well, I think that we'd better get under cover now... and I'll
thank you probably later on...
BLAGGETT: Sir, sir, Corporal Sturrage got this for you too sir, he didn't
know about the others sir... it's Swiss.
CPT BIGGS: Oh now that is thoughtful Sturrage good man
BLAGGETT: And there's a card sir, from all of us... sorry about the
blood sir.
CPT BIGGS: Thank you all.
BLAGGETT: Squad, three cheers for Captain Biggs.
Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!
(Blaggett is shot and fatally wounded)
CPT BIGGS: Blaggett, Blagget?
BLAGGETT: Oh, aahh, I'll be allright sir, just one other thing sir,
Spadge, give him the check.
CPT BIGGS: Oh now this is really going too far.
SPLADGER: Uh... I can't seem to find it sir. Bin #4 Trench, I'l go get it..
CPT BIGGS: Oh for Chirst's sake forget it man.
SPLADGER: You shouldn't have said that sir. You've hurt his feelings now.
BLAGGETT: Don't mind me Spadge. Officers are all the same, one minute it's
all please and thank you and the next "I'll kick you in the teeth"
BLACKIE: Let's not give him the cake.
CPT BIGGS: I don't want any cake.
WALTERS: Blackie cooked it especially for you, you bastard.
SPLADGER: Yeah, he saved his rations for 6 weeks sir.
CPT BIGGS: Well, I don't mean to be ungrateful...
BLACKIE: I'll be allright...
(Blackie is shot)
SPLADGER: Blackie! Look at him. He worked on that cake like no one else
I've ever known. Some nights it was so cold that we could hardly
move, but Blackie would be out there cutting the lemons, mixing
the sugar and almonds. I mean you try getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero! There's love in that cake. This man's
love and this man's care!
(Spladger is shot)
CPT BIGGS: Oh my Christ!
WALTERS: You Bastard!
CPT BIGGS: Allright we'll eat the cake... it's too good a cake not to eat.
Get the plates and knives Walters.
WALTERS: Yes sir, how many plates sir?
CPT BIGGS: Uh... six.
(Spladge is shot)
Better make that five.
WALTERS: Tablecloth sir?
CPT BIGGS: Yes get the tablecloth.
(Walters is shot)
CPT BIGGS: No, no I'll get the table cloth. And better get the picnic table
Hood.
(Hood is shot)
SURRAGE: And a little napkin sir?
CPT BIGGS: Yes, yes and a doily too.
SURRAGE: I think that I'll get two sir, just in case we need more.
CPT BIGGS: Yes, yes very good.
SURRAGE: Allright, sir.
LECTURER: But of course warfare isn't all fun... right stop that.
(The film stops)
It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one
considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between
alternative view points of life itself. And without the ability
to defend one's own view point against other perhaps more
agressive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could
quite simply disappear. And that is why we will always need an
army... and may God strike me down if it were to be otherwise.
(The hand of God comes through the roof of the building and
sends a shock of lighting throught the lecturer making him
disappear)
SERGEANT: Don't stand there gawping, like you've never seen the hand of
God before. Now... today we are going to do marching up and
down the square, that is unless any of you got anything better
to do... well? Does anybody have anything they'd rather be doing
than marching up and down the square?
(Soldier raises his hand)
Yes? Atkinson? What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?
ATKINSON: Well, to be quite honest Sarge, I'd rather be home with the
wife and kids.
SERGEANT: Would you now?
ATKINSON: Yes, Sarge?
SERGEANT: Right, off you go! Now, everybody else happy with my little plan
of marching up and down the square a bit?
????: Sarge?
SERGEANT: Yes?
????: I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
SERGEANT: Right, you go read your book then, now! Every body else content
to join in with my little scheme of marching up and down the
square?
WICKLEY: Sarge?
SERGEANT: Yes, Wickly, what is it?
WICKLEY: Well, I'm uh, learning the piano.
SERGEANT: Learning the piano?
WICKLEY: Yes Sarge.
SERGEANT: And I suppose you want to go practice eh? Marching up and down
the square ain't good enough for you eh?
WICKLY: Well...
SERGEANT: Right, off you go! Now, what about the rest of you? Rather be
at the pictures I suppose?
SQUAD: Yeah... yeah... uh huh.
SERGEANT: Allright, off you go!!!
SQUAD: Great... good deal... let's go.
SERGEANT: Bloody army I don't know what it's coming to. Right! Sergeant
Major marching up and down the square!
NARRATOR: Democracy and Humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the
British army (*RUBBISH*) shhh... and has stamped its triumph
throughout history in the furthest flung corners of the empire.
(1st and 2nd Zulu Wars Africa)
NARRATOR: But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done, it is
has always been the calm leadership of the officer class that has
made the British army what it is.
(Officer shaving with a mirror as the battle rages around him.
A shot from a gun breaks his mirror but he continues to finish
his morning hygiene as if nothing happened.)
ANVERS: Excuse me.
(Steps over one of his men who has just fallen to his death)
BRECKADEN: Morning Anvers.
ANVERS: Morning Breckaden.
BRECKADEN: Sleep well?
ANVERS: Not bad. Bit to shreds though, must be a hole in the bloody
mosquito net.
BRECKADEN: Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?
SEDWICK: Excuse me sir.
ANVERS: Yes, Sedwick?
SEDWICK: I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.
ANVERS: So did we.
SEDWICK: Yes, but i do think that the doctor ought to see him.
ANVERS: Well, go and fetch him then.
SEDWICK: Right you are sir.
ANVERS: I suppose I'd better go along. Coming Breckaden?
BRECKADEN: Ya, I suppose so.
(The officers calmly walk across the battlefield of wailing
and bloodshed, as arrows and bullets pass by them. They reach
Perkin's tent.)
ANVERS: Ah... morning Perkins.
PERKINS: Morning sir.
ANVERS: What's uh... what's all the trouble then?
PERKINS: Bitten sir. During the night.
(Perkins leg has been completely bitten off leaving only a bloody
stump)
ANVERS: Hmmm... whole lege gone eh?
PERKINS: Yes.
ANVERS: How does it feel?
PERKINS: Stings a bit.
BRECKADEN: Hmmm... bloody would, wouldn't it?
ANVERS: That's quite a bite you've got there eh?
PERKINS: Yes sir.
ANVERS: Real beauty isn't it?
Any idea how it happenned?
PERKINS: None whatsoever, complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one
sock too many!
BRECKADEN: You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
ANVERS: Hmmm... well we sent for the doctor.
PERKINS: Oh hardly worth it is it?
ANVERS: Oh yes, better safe than sorry.
BRECKADEN: Yes, good Lord look at this!
ANVERS: By Jove it's enormous!
(A giant hole is found in his mosquito net)
PERKINS: You don't think it will come back do you?
ANVERS: For more you mean?
PERKINS: Yes.
ANVERS: You're right, we'd better get this stiched.
PERKINS: Right.
ANVERS: Ah... hello Doc.
DOC: Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is uh... is something up?
ANVERS: Yes, during the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of...
off.
DOC: Ahhh... been in the wars have we? Any headache, bowels all right?
Hmmm... well let's have a look at this one leg of yours eh? Yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes... well this is nothing to worry about...
PERKINS: Oh good.
DOC: Yes, there's a lot of it about, probably a virus. Keep warm,
plenty of rest, and if your playing football or anything, try to
favor the other leg.
PERKINS: Oh righto.
DOC: It'll feel as right as rain in a couple of days.
PERKINS: Oh, thanks for the reassurance Doc.
DOC: Not at all, that's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can
reassure you about?
PERKINS: No, I'm fine.
DOC: Jolly good, must be off.
PERKINS: So it'll uh... it'll just grow back again will it?
DOC: I uh... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's
um... it's not a virus I'm afraid. You see a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small. So small it couldn't possibly have
made off with a whole leg. What we are looking for here, I think
that this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that
clear, is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor
sharp teeth about eleven feet long and of the genus felis
horribilius. What we doctors in fact call a ... tiger.
OFFICERS: A tiger?
BATTLEFIELD:A tiger?
BRECKADEN: A tiger in Africa... eh? A tiger in Africa?!
ANVERS: Uh... wel it's... it's probably escaped from the zoo.
BRECKADEN: It's not very likely.
SERGEANT: Sir, sir, sir! The attacks over sir, the Zulus are retreating!
ANVERS: Oh Jolly Good!
SERGEANT: But quite a lot of casualties sir...
ANVERS: Hmmm yes, yes
SERGEANT: City is wiped out, signal is gone...
ANVERS: Hmmm yes, yes
SERGEANT: 30 men killed in each section... I should think about 100...
ANVERS: Hmmm yes, yes
SERGEANT: About 150 men all together sir!
ANVERS: Jolly Good.
SERGEANT: I haven't got the final figures sir, but there's a lot seriously
wounded in the compound.
ANVERS: Yes, yes... but you see the thing is Sergeant... I've got a
problem here. One of the officer's has lost a leg.
SERGEANT: Oh no sir?!
ANVERS: I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
SERGEANT: In Africa?
(shhh shhh mummph)
ANVERS: The doctor says that we can stitch it back on if we can find it
immediately.
SERGEANT: Right sir, I'll organize a party immediately sir.
ANVERS: Well there's the time for that is it Sergeant?
SERGEANT: A search party...
ANVERS: Oh oh oh ! Much better idea!
SERGEANT: Sorry about the mess sir, I'll try to have it cleared up by the
time you get back.
(The Sergeant and Anvers walk among the corpses and wounded on
the battlefield. Moans and groans come from the throats of
the suffering)
SOLDIER 1: We showed them didn't we sir?
SOLDIER 2: Yes, we got them, we're satisfied.
SOLDIER 3: All this killing, bloodshed... jolly good morning isn't it?
SOLDIER 4: Morning sir.
ANVERS: Nasty wound you've got there Porter.
(Porter is a disembodied head)
PORTER: Thank you very much sir.
ANVERS: Come on, private, we're making up a search party.
SOLDIER 5: Bestest thing in the whole business sir eh? I mean at home if you
shoot someone they arrest you. Here they give you a gun and show
you what to do. I mean I killed 15 of those buggers sir... I mean
at home they'd hang me... here they'll give me a fucking medal
sir!
(Search party travels through the thick jungle looking for Perkins
leg)
(An enlisted soldier forgets to hold the brush back for his
commanding officer)
ANVERS: Ahem!
SOLDIER: Sorry sir.
(The party stumbles into a clearing and sees a tiger!)
BRECKADEN: Look!
ANVERS: My God... it's huge!
(Gunfire... two men come out dressed in a tiger suit)
MAN 1: Uh... don't shoot, don't shoot... we're not a tiger. Uh...
we were just umm...
ANVERS: Why are you dressed as a tiger.. hmmm?
MAN 2: Oh why... why why why! 'Tis a lovely day today!
ANVERS: Answer the question.
MAN 2: Oh we were just um...
MAN 1: Oh actually we're dressed like this because, oh no, that's not it.
MAN 2: Oh we did it for a laugh... part of a spree. High spirits you
know... simple as that.
MAN 1: Nothing more to it. Well actually we are on a mission for
British Intelligence. There's a pro-Czarist, a Shantick chief,
MAN 2: No.. no.. no... We're doing it for an advertisement.
MAN 1: Ahh... that's it. Forget about the Russians. We're doing an
advert for Tiger brand coffee.
MAN 2: Tiger brand coffee is a real treat... even tiger's prefer a cup
of it to real meat.
ANVERS: Now look...
MAN 2: Allright, allright... we are dressed as a tiger because he had an
aunty who did it in 1839 and this is the 50th anniversary.
MAN 1: We are doing it for a bet.
MAN 2: No, God told us to do it.
MAN 1: To tell the truth. we are completely mad. We are inmates of a
Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this
skin out of old used cereal packets.
PERKINS: It doesn't matter.
ANVERS: What?
PERKINS: It doesn't matter why they are dressed as a tiger... have they got
my leg?
ANVERS: Good thinking. Well have you?
MAN 2: Actually...
ANVERS: Yes.
MAN 2: It's because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we
wanted to get the feel of it from the animal's point of view.
ANVERS: Be quiet. Now look, we are just asking you if you've got this
man's leg.
MAN 1: A wooden leg?
ANVERS: No... a proper leg. Look, he was fast asleep and someone or
something came in and removed it.
MAN 1: Without waking him up?
ANVERS: Yes.
MAN 1: I don't believe you.
MAN 2: We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo... the only
one to be taken down to Darli's salon.
ANVERS: Shut up! Now look... have or have you not got his leg.
MAN 2: Yes.
MAN 1: No.
BOTH MEN: No no no no no.
ANVERS: Why did you say yes?
MAN 1: I didn't.
ANVERS: I'm not talking to you.
MAN 2: Ummm...ummm....
ANVERS: Right... search the thicket.
MAN 1: Oh come on! I mean do we look like the kind of chaps that would
creep into a camp at night, steal into someone's tent, anesthetize
them, tissue tie them, amputate a leg and run away with it?
ANVERS: Search the thicket!
MAN 1: Oh leg. You're looking for a leg... actually I think there is
one in there somewhere. Someone must have abandoned it here
knowing that you were coming after it. We stumbled acrossed
actually and were wondering what it was... they'll be miles away
by now...
(A big, black African native with a ring in his nose steps in
front of the camera... unzips himself from the ring down and we
see that it is a white English man in a costume.)
Hello. Good evening and welcome to dee middle of dee film!
THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM!
HOSTESS: Hello and welcome to the middle of the film. The moment where we
take a break to invite you, the audience, to join us, the film-
makers in Find the Fish. We are going to show you a scene from
another film and ask you to guess where the fish is. But if you
think you know... don't keep it to yourselves. Yell out, so that
all of us in the theatre can hear you. So here we are with Find
the Fish.
FEMALE ?: I wonder where that fish has gone?
MALE: You did love it so... you looked after it like a son.
FEMALE ?: And it went wherever I did go.
MALE: Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE: Yes... yes... yes.
MALE: Wouldn't you like to know. It was a lovely little fish.
FEMALE ?: And it went wherever I did go.
AUDIENCE: It's under the sofa!
FEMALE ?: Where can that fish be?
AUDIENCE: Have you tried the drawers in the bereau in the lounge?!
MALE: It is a most illusive fish.
FEMALE ?: And it went wherever I did go.
MALE: Oh fishy fishy fishy fish.
FEMALE ?: Fish fish fish fishy oooh
MALE: Oooh fishy fishy fishy fish.
FEMALE ?: That went wherever I did go.
AUDIENCE: Look up his trunks... Ya look up his trousers!
FISH 1: That was terrific!
FISH: Great Ya... Fantastic... Fishy... hee hee
FISH 2: They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far have they?
FISH 1: Well it's been building up to it.
FISH 3: Has it?
FISH 1: Yes... I'll bet they'll go on to it now.
FISH 4: Personally, I very much doubt if they are going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
FISH 3: Oh come on... they've got to say something.
FISH: Ya ya ya.
FISH 2: What do you think the next bit will be then?
FISH 4: Caption I expect.
FISH 2: Oh about the next stage of life you mean? Oh yeah... here we go.
THE MEANING OF LIFE PART IV - MIDDLE AGE
FISH: Could have guessed it.
(American Middle aged couple entering the conversation restaurant.
(Wife is cleaning camera lens for husband.)
HUSBAND: Oh that's much better... thankyou honey.
WIFE: Your welcome.
HUSBAND: Hmmm... it was all sort of misty before.
WIFE: Uh huh.
HOSTESS: Hi how are you?
HUSBAND: Oh we're just fine.
HOSTESS: What kind of food would you like to eat this evening?
HUSBAND: Well... we sort of like pineapple.
WIFE: Ya... we love pineapple.
HUSBAND: Ya, anything with pineapple in it is great for us!
HOSTESS: Well... how about the dungeon room?
HUSBAND: Oh, sounds fine.
HOSTESS: Sure is. It's real Hawaiin food served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
HUSBAND: Oh...
(Man is held up by iron maidens and is being branded with a hot
iron as the middle-aged couple enters the dining area of the
dungeon. Hawaiin music starts.)
HUSBAND: Thankyou... thankyou very much.
WAITER: Good evening... would you care for something to talk about?
HUSBAND: Oh, that would be wonderful.
WAITER: Our special tonight is minorities.
HUSBAND: Oh that sounds real interesting.
WIFE: Umm... what's this conversation here?
WAITER: Oh that's football you can talk about the Steelers-Bears game
Saturday or you can reminisce about really good World Series.
WIFE: Oh no no
HUSBAND: What is this one here?
WAITER: Uh that's philosophy.
WIFE: Is that a sport?
WAITER: Uh no... it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life
FISH: What's that ... what's he saying... eh?
HUSBAND: Oh that sounds wonderful.
Would you like to talk about the meaning of life darling?
WIFE: Why not?
WAITER: Philosophy for two?
HUSBAND: Right.
WAITER: Room?
HUSBAND: 259.
WAITER: 259.
HUSBAND: Uh... uh... how do we...
WAITER: Oh, you folks want me to start you off?
HUSBAND: Oh really we'd appreciate that.
WAITER: OK, well look have you ever wondered just why you're here?
HUSBAND: Well, we went to Miami last year, and California the year before
that.
WAITER: No, no I mean why we're here... on this planet?
HUSBAND: Hmmm... nope.
WAITER: Right... have you ever wanted to know what it's all about?
HUSBAND: Nope.
WAITER: Righty ho... well... throughout history there have been certain
men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries
of existence.
HUSBAND: Great.
WAITER: And we call these guys philosophers!
WIFE: And that's what we're talking about.
WAITER: Right!
WIFE: Oh that's neat!
WAITER: Well, you look like your getting the idea so why don't I give you
these conversation cards, they'll tell you a little bit about
philosophical method, names of famous philosophers, there you
are... have a nice conversation.
HUSBAND: Thankyou, thankyou very much.
WIFE: He's cute.
HUSBAND: Ya, real undertanding.
WIFE: Oh, I never knew Schoppenhauer was a philosopher.
HUSBAND: Oh yea, he's the on that begins with an "s"
Like Nietzsche.
WIFE: Does Nietzsche begin with an "s"?
HUSBAND: Uh, there's an "s" in Nietzsche.
WIFE: Ah yes there is. Do all philosophers have an "s" in them?
HUSBAND: Ah ya, I think that most of them do.
WIFE: Oh... does that mean that Salina Jones is a philosopher?
HUSBAND: Ya, right, she could be. She sings about the meaning of life.
WIFE: Ya... that's right. But I don't think she writes her own
material.
HUSBAND: No... oh maybe Schoppenhauer writes her material.
WIFE: No, Burt Bacharach writes it.
HUSBAND: But there's no "s" in Burt Bacharach.
WIFE: Or in Hal David.
HUSBAND: Whose Hal David?
WIFE: He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes, only now he's
married to Carol Bea Esega.
HUSBAND: Uh waiter, this converstation isn't very good.
WAITER: Oh, I'm sorry sir, uh, we do have one today that's not on the
menu it's sort of the specialty of the house... uh, live organ
transplants.
WIFE: Live organ transplants? What's that?
THE MEANING OF LIFE PART V - LIVE ORGAN TRANSPLANTS:
(Ding Dong)
HUSBAND: Don't worry dear *cough cough* I'll get it!
(Old man opens the door)
Yes?
PARAMEDIC 1:Hello, can we have your liver?
HUSBAND: What?
P1: Your liver. It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. You
know... it's reddish-brown it's sort of...
HUSBAND: Ya, ya, I know what it is but... I'm using it.
P2: Go on sir... don't muck us about!
(Paramedics push him against the wall and pull out his wallet)
P1: Allo! What's this then?
HUSBAND: A liver donor's card.
P2: Need we say more?
P1: Nope.
HUSBAND: I can't give it to you now. It says in the event of death!
P2: Noone has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.
(Paramedics push him onto the table and begin the crude surgical
operation of removing the man's liver while he is still alive!)
P1: Don't worry sir, it won't take a minute.
HUSBAND: AAAagghhh! uuuuughhh! owww owwow OOOOWWW!!!
WIFE: You... what's going on?
P1: He's donating his liver madam.
WIFE: Is this because you got one of those silly cards?
P1: That's right madam.
WIFE: Take a look at him, he goes down to the public library, sees a few
signs up, comes home all full of good intentions, he gives blood,
he does pool research, all that sort of thing.
HUSBAND: Agggh OOOWWWWW UUUUhhhh!!!!
WIFE: What do... What do you do with them all anyway?
P1: Oh we're going to save some lives madam.
WIFE: That's what he used to say. "It's all for the good of the
P1: country" he used to say. Do you think it's all for the good of
the country? Hmmm? Do you think it's all for the good of the
country?
P1: Well I wouldn't know about that madam. We're just doing our jobs
you know?
WIFE: Your not doctors then?
P1: Oh blimey no!
P1 & P2: Ha ha ha ha ha!
HUSBAND: AAAAGHH OOOOWWWW UUUUGGGHH OOOWWWWW!
SON: Mom, Dad, I'm off now, I'll see you around seven.
WIFE: Righto son. Take care of yourself.
Do you umm... fancy a cup of tea?
HUSBAND: AAAGHHH OOOWWW OOOOOH YEELLLPPP!
P1: Oh well... that would be very nice. That would be very nice,
thankyou, thankyou very much. (aside) I thought she'd never
ask.
(The paramedic and the wife go into the kitchen)
Uhhh... you do realize he has to be uhh... well... dead, by the
term's are on the card, before he donates his liver?
WIFE: Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man.
P1: Well, I was wonderin, what, you know, what you were planning on
doing after that. Will you stay on your own? Or is there uh...
someone else, only sort of... only arising.
WIFE: I'm too old for that sort of thing... I'm past my prime.
P1: Not at all. Your a very attractive woman.
WIFE: But I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.
P1: Sure?
WIFE: Sure.
P1: Can we have your liver then?
WIFE: No, I'd be scared.
P1: Allright, I'll tell you what.
(Paramedic goes to the refrigerator and opens it... man walks out
and begins to sing)
Listen to this:
SINGER: WHENEVER LIFE GETS YOU DOWN MRS. BROWN,
AND THINGS SEEM HARD OR TOUGH.
AND PEOPLE ARE STUPID, ABNOXIOUS, OR DAFT,
AND YOU FEEL THAT YOU'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH.
JUST REMEMBER THAT YOUR STANDING ON A PLANET THAT'S REVOLVING
REVOLVING AT NINE HUNDERD MILES AND HOUR.
THAT'S ORBITING AT NINETEEN MILES A SECOND, SO IT'S RECKONED,
A SUN THAT IS THE SOURCE OF ALL OUR POWER.
THE SUN AND YOU AND ME AND ALL THE STARS THAT WE CAN SEE,
ARE MOVING AT A MILLION MILES A DAY.
IN AN OUTER SPIRAL ARM AT FORTY THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR,
OF THE GALAXY WE CALL THE MILKY WAY.
OUR GALAXY ITSELF CONTAINS A HUNDRED BILLION STARS,
IT'S A HUNDRED THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS SIDE TO SIDE.
IT BULGES IN THE MIDDLE SIXTEEN THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS THICK,
BUT OUT BY US IT'S JUST THREE THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS WIDE.
WE'RE THIRTY THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS FROM GALACTIC CENTRAL POINT,
WE GO ROUND EVERY TWO HUNDRED MILLION YEARS.
AND OUR GALAXY IS ONLY ONE OF MILLIONS OF BILLIONS
IN THIS AMAZING AND EXPANDING UNIVERSE.
(INSTRUMENTAL WITH AMAZING TERRY GILLIAM GRAPHICS)
THE UNIVERSE ITSELF KEEPS ON EXPANDING AND EXPANDING
IN ALL OF THE DIRECTIONS IT CAN WHIZ.
AS FAST AS IT CAN GO, THE SPEED OF LIGHT YOU KNOW,
TWELVE MILLION MILES A MINUTE
AND THAT'S THE FASTEST SPEED THERE IS.
SO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE FEELING VERY SMALL AND INSECURE,
HOW AMAZING AND UNLIKELY IS YOUR BIRTH,
AND PRAY THAT THERE'S INTELLIGENT LIFE SOMEWHERE UP IN SPACE,
'CAUSE THERE'S BUGERAL DOWN HERE ON EARTH.
WIFE: Makes you feel so sort of insignificant doesn't it?
P1: Ya, ya... Can we have your liver then?
WIFE: Ya, all right, you talked me into it.
P1: Eric!
(Scene changes to the Board of Directors meeting of the Very
Big Corporation)
PRESIDENT ...which brings us once again to the urgent realization of just
OF V.B.C: how much there is left to own. Item 6 on the agenda: The Meaning
of Life. Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this?
HARRY: That's right I've had a team working on this for the last few
weeks and what we've come up with can be reduced to two
fundamental concepts; 1, people are not wearing enough hats. 2,
matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields
which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual
source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does
not exist abinissio as orthodoz Christianity teaches, it has to
be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved oweing to man's unique ability
to be distracted from spiritual matters by every day trivia.
VBC MAN 1: What was that about hat's again?
HARRY: People aren't wearing enough.
VBC MAN 2: Is this true?
VBC MAN 3: Certainly, hat sales have increased, but not pari-persue as our
research has...
VBC MAN 1: What do you mean enough? Enough for what purpose?
VBC MAN 4: Can I just ask with reference to your second point? When you say
that souls don't develop because people become distracted...
Has anyone noticed that building there before?
VBC ALL: What... Good Lord... Oh my!
(It is, yes, the Crimson Permament Assurance making their siege
upon the Very Big Corporation)
It's the Crimson Permanent Assurance.
NARRATOR: We interrupt this film to apologize for this unwarranted attack
by the opposing feature. Luckily we have been prepared for such
eventuality and are now taking steps to remedy it.
(A large black building in the financial empire falls upon the
Crimson Permament Assurance. The building, along with the
terribly bad scene, is crushed.)
NARRATOR: Thankyou.
THE MEANING OF LIFE PART VI - THE AUTUMN YEARS
MUSICIAN: Good Evening ladies and Gentlemen, here's a little number I
tossed off recently at the Carribean:
ISN'T AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE A PENIS?
ISN'T IF FRIGHTFULLY GOOD TO HAVE A DONG?
IT'S SWELL TO HAVE A STIFFY, IT'S DIVINE TO OWN A DICK,
FROM THE TINIEST LITTLE TADGER, TO THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PRICK.
SO THREE CHEERS FOR YOUR WILLIE OR JOHN THOMAS.
HURRAY FOR YOUR ONE-EYED TROUSER SNAKE.
YOUR PIECE OF PORK YOUR WIFE'S BEST FRIEND,
YOUR POSSY OR YOUR COCK,
YOU CAN WRAP IT UP IN RIBBONS, YOU CAN SLIP IT IN YOUR SOCK.
BUT DON'T TAKE IT OUT IN PUBLIC
OR THEY WILL STICK YOU IN THE DOCK,
AND YOU WANT COME BACK.
Thankyou Very Much!
(applause)
FISH: Oh shit, it's Mister Cleraseaux!
(Mr. Clereseaux takes his regular seat at the restaurant)
WAITER: Good evening sir, how are we today?
MONSIEUR: Better...
WAITER: Better?
MONSIEUR: Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up!
WAITER: Uh Gusteau, a bucket for Monsieur.
(Mr. Clereseaux vomits violently into the bucket that Gusteau, the
bus boy, brought to his table)
Merci, Gusteau.
MONSIEUR: I haven't finished.
WAITER: Oh, Pardon... Gusteau! A thousand pardons sir! Now, this
afternoon we have monsieur's favorite the jugged hair. The hair
is very high, the sauce is very rich, with truffles, anchovies,
grummagne, bacon, and cream. Thankyou Gusteau...
MONSIEUR: There's still more.
WAITER: Allow me. A new bucket for monsieur.
(Mr. Clereseaux vomits again and again onto the waiter's foot)
And the cleaning woman. Et maintenant, would monsieur care to
order peratif, or would he prefer to order straight away?
(Mr. Clereseaux vomits on the menu)
Today we have for appetizers, excuse me,...
(Waiter brushes vomit off of menu)
Moul merinagnir, patte de fragoir, beluga caviar, eggs
benedictine, tart a de poivre, that's licha tart, frogs legs
Amandine, or oeuf de caille Richard Shepherd... little quail's
eggs and a bit of pureed mushroom, it's very delicate, very
subtle.
MONSIEUR: I'll have the lot.
WAITER: A wise choice monsieur. And now... how would you like it served?
All mixed up together in a bucket?
MONSIEUR: Ya, and the eggs on top!
WAITER: But of course, avec des oeufs fruits!
MONSIEUR: Ya, don't skip on the patte!
WAITER: Oh monsieur, I assure you, just because it is all mixed up with
those other things I assure you we would not dream of giving you
less than the full amount, in fact, I will personally make sure
you have a double helping. Maintenant, quelque chois avoir
something to drink monsieur?
MONSIEUR: Ya, I'll have six bottles of Chateau Le Ton '45 and a double
jeriboam of champagne.
WAITER: And the usual brown ales?
MONSIEUR: Ya... no wait a minute I think I can only manage six crates today.
WAITER: Tisk, tisk, tisk, I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.
MONSIEUR: Shut up!
WAITER: Decor. Ahh! The new bucket and the cleaning woman.
(Monsieur vomits continuously on the cleaning woman)
(The waiter approaches a party leaving before they have finished
their meal)
WAITER: Is there something wrong with the food?
HUSBAND: No, the food was excellent.
WAITER: Perhaps, your not happy with the service?
HUSBAND: No, no, no complaints.
WIFE: It's just that we have to go, I'm having rather a heavy period.
HUSBAND: And we have a train to catch.
WIFE: Oh yes, yes, we have a train to catch, and I wouldn't want to
start bleeding all over the seats. ha ha ha.
HUSBAND: Madam, perhaps we should be going.
WAITER: Farewell Monsieur, thankyou so much, so nice to see you...
and I hope very much we will see you again very soon.
HUSBAND: Au revoir Monsieur.
(The waiter walks back over to Mr. Clereseaux's table)
*splut*
Oh dear, I have trodden in Monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket for Monsieur, and perhaps a hose.
(Man at adjacent table vomits from the site of Monsieur's mess)
MAN'S WIFE: Oh Max, really?
(Time passes and Monsieur Clereseaux's breakfast comes to an end)
WAITER: And finally monsieur a wafer thin meat.
MONSIEUR: Oh yuck.
WAITER: Oh sir, it's only a tiny little thin one.
MONSIEUR: Oh fuck off! I'm full!
WAITER: Oh sir... it's only a wafer thin.
MONSIEUR: I couldn't eat another thing, I'm absolutely stuffed. Bug off!
WAITER: Oh sir... just one...
MONSIEUR: Allright, just one...
WAITER: Bon Appetit!
(The waiter runs for cover, Monsieur begins to expand, to inflate
like a balloon to the point where he explodes expelling vomit
all over the entire restaurant, all over all the patrons causing
them to vomit as well.)
(Monsieur Clereseaux remains just a head atop an open chest that
exposes a beating heart, and enormous ribs.)
WAITER: Your check sir!
THE MEANING OF LIFE PART VI B - THE MEANING OF LIFE
(Later that same day the employees are cleaning the restaurant)
WAITER: You know Maria, I sometimes wonder if we will ever discover the
meaning of it all, working in a place like this.
MARIA: Oh, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking.
WAITER: Really Maria?
MARIA: Yes. I used to work in the Academie Francais, but it didn't do
me any good at all. And I onced worked in the library in the
Prado, in Madrid, but it didn't teach me nothing, I recall. And
the Library of Congress you'd have thought would have held some
key but it didn't. And neither did the Bodillian Library. And
the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue, I worked there
from nine to six, let everybody on through, but it didn't teach
me nothing about life's mystery. I just kept getting older, it
got more difficult to see, till eventually me eyes went and me
arthritis got bad so now I'm cleaning up in here. But I can't
be really sad, cause you see, I feel that life's a game... you
sometimes win or lose. And though I may be down right now, at
least I don't work for Jews!
WAITER: Cough Cough... I'm so sorry...
(Waiter apologizes to the camera and dumps the bucket of vomit
on Maria's head)
I had no idea we had a racist working here. I apologize most
sincerely.. I mean...
(Camera pans away from the waiter and onto Gusteau)
Where are you going, I mean, I can explain... quel damage.
GUSTEAU: As for me, huh, if you want to know what I think, I'll show you
something... come with me.
WAITER: Uh,... I was saying that, uh... allo, uh... allo!
GUSTEAU: This way, come on, come on don't be shy... mind the stairs...
(Gusteau leads the camera out of the restaurant outside onto
the street, through the city, into the country, and to his humble
abode which is a cottage in a green praire.)
Come along... over here... come on... this way... nearly there now
You see that?
That's where I was born. You know one day my mother, she put me
on her knee and she said to me "Gusteau my son, the world is a
beautiful place... you must go into it and love everyone... try to
make everyone happy... make everyone happy... bring peace and
contentment every where you go." And so I became a waiter...
Well it's not much of a philosophy I know... well....I uh...
Fuck You! I can live my own life my own way if I want to! Fuck
Off! Don't come following me.
(Gusteau walks down the hill to his little, humble cottage)
THE MEANING OF LIFE PART VII - DEATH
(A funeral is being held along the beach aside a cliff)
(The scene changes and a man is running hurridley with a scared
look on his face)
NARRATOR: This man is about to die. In a few moments now he will be killed.
For Arthur Gerratt is a convicted criminal who has been allowed to
choose the manner of his own execution.
(A bunch of topless young females appear around a corner and
begin to chase him)
FEMALES: There he is!
(Back at the funeral on the beach)
JUDGE: Arthur Charles Herbert Eruncie Macadam Gerrat, you have been
convicted of twelve good persons and true of the crime of first
degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes in a moving picture.
(Now in slow motion the females chase him... through a field and
over a cliff. Arthur falls into his grave.
(The women on top of the cliff wipe there hands of a job well
done)
CLERGY: Ashes to ashes... dust to dust.
(It is autumn and a leaf on a tree contemplates his life)
DADDY LEAF: Boo hoo... it's no good... I just can't go on, I'm no good anymore
I want to end it all. Goodbye, goodbye... ahhhhh eeeeee!!!
(Daddy leaf falls from the tree and hits the ground)
MOMMY LEAF: Oh... Oh my God. Oh no.. what'll I do, I can't live without him
I... I... can't live with out him. Ahhhheeeeeee!
(Mommy leaf falls from the tree and hits the ground)
CHILDREN Mommy Daddy... where are you, uh, what are you doing, oh, ahh
LEAVES: AHHH EEEEEEE!!!
(Two more leaves fall from the tree)
(Pause)
ENTIRE TREE:AHHHAHHHAEEEEEEAA!!!
(All the leaves fall from the tree)
(The Grim Reaper stands alone in the middle of a field as winter
comes to England)
(A church bell dongs, a dog barks in the distance)
(The Grim Reaper knocks on a door to a home)
HUSBAND: Yes? Is it about the hedge? I'm awfully sorry but...
GR: I AM THE GRIM REAPER!
HUSBAND: Who?
GR: THE GRIM REAPER!
HUSBAND: Yes, I see.
GR: I AM DEATH!
HUSBAND: Yes, well the thing is that we've got some people from America
for dinner tonight and...
WIFE: Who is it darling?
HUSBAND: It's a mister Death or something he's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need any at the moment.
WIFE: Hello... well don't leave him hanging around outside darling
invite him in.
HUSBAND: Oh darling, I don't think it's quite the moment.
WIFE: Do come in. Come along in. Come in and have a drink... do.
(The Grim Reaper enters the home and is escorted to the table)
It's one of the little men from the village. Do come in please.
This is Howard Kattsenburgh from Philadelphia, and his wife Debbie
DEBBIE: Hello there!
WIFE: And these are the Portland Smythes Jeremy and Fiona.
FIONA: Good Evening.
WIFE: This is Mr. Death. Well... do get Mr. Death a drink darling.
HUSBAND: Yes...
WIFE: Mr. Death is a reaper.
GR: THE GRIM REAPER!
WIFE: Hardly surprising in this weather. Ha ha ha.
HOWARD: So you still reap around here do you Mr. Death?
GR: I AM THE GRIM REAPER!
HUSBAND: That's about all he says.
Here's your drink Mr. Death.
WIFE: Do sit down.
DEBBIE: We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the
third gov...
(The Grim Reaper shoves his glass of wine off the table.)
WIFE: Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
JEREMY: The stilton's awfully good.
GR: I AM NOT OF THIS WORLD!
(The Grim Reaper walks into and through the table!)
HUSBAND: Good Lord!
GR: I AM DEATH!
DEBBIE: Why isn't that extraordinary, we were just talking about death
only five minutes ago.
FIONA: Yes we were, you know. Whether death is really the end...
DEBBIE: As my husband Howard here feels. Or whether there is, and one
so hates to use words like soul or spirit...
HUSBAND: What other words can one use?
DEBBIE: Exactly.
GR: YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
WIFE: Ahh... no. Obviously not.
HOWARD: Let me just tell you something Mr. Death.
GR: YOU DON'T...
HOWARD: Just one moment, I'd like to express on behalf of everyone here
what a really unique experience this is.
PARTY: Here here!
FIONA: Yes, we're so delighted that you stopped in Mr. Death.
HOWARD: Can I just finish please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death... is there an after life?
HOWARD: Dear, if you could just wait please...
WIFE: Are you sure you wouldn't like some cheri?
HOWARD: I'd like to say something please.. please be quiet...
GR: BE QUIET!
HOWARD: Can I just say this at this time... please?
GR: SILENCE! I HAVE COME FOR YOU!
WIFE: You mean to...
GR: TAKE YOU AWAY! THAT IS MY PURPOSE! I AM DEATH!
HUSBAND: Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening hasn't it?
HOWARD: I don't see it that way Jeff, let me tell you what I think we're
dealing with here. A potentially positive learning experience
here...
GR: OH SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOU AMERICAN! YOU ALWAYS TALK YOU AMERICANS!
YOU TALK AND YOU TALK AND YOU SAY: "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING" AND
I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS" WELL YOU'RE DEAD NOW. SO SHUT UP!
HOWARD: Dead?
GR: DEAD!
HUSBAND: All of us?
GR: ALL OF YOU!
HUSBAND: Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses,
and then announce quite casually that we are all dead. Well I
would remind you that you are a guest in this house and that
you...
(The Grim Reaper shoves his finger in the Husband's eye making him
shutup)
GR: BE QUIET! ENGLISHMEN, YOU'RE ALL SO FUCKING POMPOUS! NONE OF
YOU HAVE GOT ANY BALLS!
DEBBIE: Can I ask you a question?
GR: WHAT?
DEBBIE: How could we have all have died at the same time?
GR: THE SALMON MOUSSE!
HUSBAND: Darling, you didn't use canned salmon did you?
WIFE: I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
GR: NOW THE TIME HAS COME. FOLLOW... FOLLOW ME!
(The husband pulls out a gun and shoots the Grim Reaper... but to
no avail)
HUSBAND: Just testing? Sorry.
GR: FOLLOW ME... NOW!
(The dinner party all drop their heads on the table and die.
Their spirits (for lack of a better word) get out of their bodies
and follow the Grim Reaper)
GR: COME.
WIFE: Well the butcher promised me he'd have some fresh salmon. He's
always so reliable.
HUSBAND: Can we get our glasses?
PARTY: Good idea.
DEBBIE: Hey, I didn't eat the mousse.
WIFE: Honestly darling I'm so embarrassed! It's really embarrassing. To
serve salmon with bocculine at a dinner party is social death!
HUSBAND: Shall we take our cars?
PARTY: Good idea... why not... why not?
(The cars, led by the Grim Reaper, go into space and into a black
hole where they finally arrive in Paradise.)
GR: BEHOLD... PARADISE!
(The middle-aged couple is entering Paradise as well.)
HUSBAND: I love it here darling.
WIFE: Me too, Marvin.
HOSTESS: Hello, welcome to heaven. Excuse me, could you just sign here for
me sir. Thankyou, there's a table for you through there in the
restaurant. For the ladies.
FIONA: Hmmm... afterlife mints!
HOSTESS: Happy Christmas!
FIONA: Oh is it Christmas today?
HOSTESS: Of course madam, it's Christmas every day in heaven.
FIONA: Oh... how about that?
WIFE: Lovely.
(The restaurant is filled with all the characters from earlier
in the film that had died in one way or another.)
(Music begins to fill the room and the light go on the stage)
SINGER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen... it's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening. A very wonderful and warm and
emotional moment for all of us. And I'd like to sing a song for
all of YOU!
SINGER: IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, ALL THE CHILDREN SING.
IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, HARK, HARK THOSE CHURCH BELLS RING.
IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, THE SNOW FALLS FROM THE SKY,
BUT IT'S NICE AND WARM AND EVERYONE LOOKS SMART AND WEARS A TIE.
(And we get to watch a bunch of young women dance around with
false breasts and men in tuxedos jump into water, and many other
nonsensical stunts.)
IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, THE GREAT FILMS ON TV
THE SOUND OF MUSIC TWICE AN HOUR AND JAWS I, II, AND III.
THERE'S GIFTS FROM ALL THE FAMILY, THERE'S JOY AND PEACE AND GRACE
THERE'S SONY WALKMAN HEADPHONE SETS AND THE LATEST VIDEO GAMES.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
HIP HIP HIP HIP HIP HOORAY
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, IT'S CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
HIP HIP HIP HIP HIP HOORAY
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY.
(Blink... the TV that was showing the film is shut off and we
see our hostess for the evening, the same for the Middle of the
show.)
HOSTESS: Well, that's the end of the film now here's the meaning of life.
(An envelope is handed to our hostess)
Thankyou Brigitte.
Ehem... well it's nothing very special... try to be nice to people
avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, try to get
some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony
with people of all creeds and nations.
And finally here are some completely gratuitous pictures of
penises to annoy the sense and to hopefully spark some sort of
controversy, which seems to be the only way these days to get the
jaded video setted public off their fucking asses and back in the
started cinema. Family entertainment? Bullocks! What they want
is filth, people doing things to eachother with chainsaws joining
tupperware parties, baby sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles white gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups
strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating
mutant goats... Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh well, there we are, here's the theme music... good night.
(Theme Music)
(Galaxy song as the credits roll by)
OUR HEROES
-------------
Graham Chapman (R.I.P)
John Cleese
Terry Gilliam
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Michael Palin
... they posess something special...
they posess the meaning of life and
the humorous, satirical, not always
tactful way of presenting it.
CAST
______
DOCTOR 1: Graham Chapman
DOCTOR 2: John Cleese
NURSE: Who cares?
MOTHER: Ditto
ADMINISTRATOR: Michael Palin
FATHER: Eric Idle
FATHER: Michael Palin
MOTHER: Terry Jones
CHILDREN: Various Unknown
Infants
HARRY: Graham Chapman
WIFE: Eric Idle
HAMILTON: John Cleese
CHAPLAIN: Michael Palin
WYMER: (FORGOT)
BIGGS: Terry Jones
CARTER: Michael Palin
WATSON: (FORGOT)
WIFE: WHO CARES!
CAPT BIGGS: Terry Jones
BLAGGET: Eric Idle
WALTERS: John Cleese
SPLADGER: Michael Palin
BLACKIE: Terry Gilliam
SURRAGE: Graham Chapman
LECTURER: Graham Chapman
SERGEANT MAJOR: Michael Palin
ATKINSON: Eric Idle
????: ????
WICKLEY: Graham Chapman
ANVERS: John Cleese
BRECKADEN: Michael Palin
SEDWICK: ????
PERKINS: Eric Idle
DOC: Graham Chapman
SERGEANT: ????
SOLDIER 3: Michael Palin
SOLDIER 5: Eric Idle
MAN 1: Eric Idle
MAN 2: Michael Palin
HOSTESS: Michael Palin
FEMALE ?: Graham Chapman
MALE: Terry Jones
HUSBAND: Michael Palin
WIFE: Eric Idle
WAITER: ????
PARAMEDIC 1: John Cleese
PARAMEDIC 2: Graham Chapman
HUSBAND: Terry Gilliam???
WIFE: Terry Jones
SON: Michael Palin
SINGER: Eric Idle
V.B.C.'S (A BIT HAZY ON THIS
SCENE SORRY...)
MUSICIAN: Eric Idle
WAITER: John Cleese
MR. CLERESEAUX Terry Jones
GUSTEAU: Eric Idle
CLEANING WOMAN (MARIA): Terry Jones
FEMALES: I wish I knew!
ARTHUR GERRAT: Graham Chapman
GRIM REAPER: ????
HUSBAND: Graham Chapman
WIFE: Eric Idle
DEBBIE: Michael Palin
FIONA: (FORGOT)
HOWARD: Terry Gilliam
JEREMY: ????
HOSTESS: ????
SINGER: Some fruitcake
Message at end of credits:
The producers would like to thank all of the
fish that have taken part in this film. We hope that fish
will follow the examples of those who participated, so that,
in future, fish all over the world will live in peace and harmony
and understanding and put aside their petty differences, cease
pursuing and eating each other, and live for a better,
brighter, future for all fish and for those who
love them.
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