XMAS GIFTS
                                ------------

Every year at Christmas time, guys around the world are confused
about how much money to spend on their girlfriend's gift.  This is why
we are posting this simple form, which tells guys exactly how much
their woman is worth.  And the best part is, it doesn't have to just
be used for Christmas.  It is also good for: Birthdays, Anniversaries,
Valentines Day, Ground Hog Day, Martin Luther King Day, etc......
 
          The All-Purpose-All-In-One-Gift-Allowance-Index
          -----------------------------------------------
 
Base Rate
 
  For the 1st six months, allow $10.00 for every month.       + _____
 
  For the 2nd six months, $5.00 for each additional month.    + _____
 
  For more than a year, $1.00 for each additional month.      + _____
 
 
                                                subtotal (A)  = _____
 
Bonuses and Penalties
 
  IF SHE:
      Has not yet "put out", subtract $5.00 per month.        - _____
 
      Has "put out", add a nickel for every month.            + _____
 
      Can cook a good meal, add $0.50.                        + _____
 
      Quietly brings you beer during football games, add $1.  + _____
 
      "Nags", subtract a $1.37 per month.                     - _____
 
For an A cup, subtract  $2.03                                 - _____
 
FOR EVERY:
      Cup size over B add $1.02                               + _____
 
      Inch of chest over 30" add $.13                         + _____
 
      Pound over 120 lbs subtract $0.54                       - _____
 
If her ass is so tight you can bounce a quarter, 
      add the quarter.                                        + _____
 
 
                                                subtotal (B)  = _____
 
Now calculate the grand total.
 
                                                total (A + B) = _____

EXCEPTION:
 
If the total is less than the cost of a piece of 
Bazooka Bubble Gum(Tm), then you must give her what
she really wants this holiday, a ring:

     Dial her phone number,
     RING  
     'hello'
     'Hey baby, Merry Christmas.'
     Hang up the phone.

I hope this list makes your Christmas shopping easier.  Unfortunately
you still have to think-up your own gift ideas.  May I suggest a pair
of knee pads and a bottle of Scope(Tm).
 
From: cathouse.org:/pub/cathouse/humor/women
Title: xmas.gifts
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
From: todd@kastle.com (Todd A. Scalzott)
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1993 18:08:12 GMT