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A blue book for used ladies
A BLUE BOOK FOR USED LADIES
BY ROGER PRICE
circa mid - 1960's
The best deal is a model thirty to thirty-five years old with a house and a car
and only one or two plain Rottenkids.
The following is intended as a guide for the older bachelor who is interested
not in Instant Action, but in establishing a more or less permanent liaison. No
one, so far as I know, has ever before compiled a Blue Book such as is used in
the Secondhand Automobile Business which would establish standards that the
older stud (or the young stud, if that's his bag) could refer to when comparing
or evaluating the potential of Used Ladies.
A Used Lady is one who has been divorced at least once. She will often have
from half to two thirds - sometimes all - of the money her husband made during
their marriage. She usually has a house, an income, a car, and one or more
kids. There are hundreds of thousands of Ladies in this rapidly expanding
social category in the United States today, concentrated mostly in large urban
areas. In Los Angeles there are over 350,000 divorcees and sixty-five percent
of them are under forty.
These Ladies are generally attractive, amiable, and smart. They are far less
demanding then New Ladies and most of them are as lively as June Bugs.
A Brand-New Lady can, of course be a powerful status symbol for the mature male,
but in the long run he will get much more satisfaction and performance value
from a good, clean Used Lady. Why? Because, although the assumption may be
true that the country is overstocked with underage sexual activists ready to
roll over at the drop of a hint, when you hit forty you will soon realize that
buying a pair of Chelsea Boots, back-combing your hair to cover your bald spot,
and wearing a silly looking shirt doesn't automatically make you a member of the
New Generation. Those young girls are out there, but it's very easy for them to
extrapolate "Never trust anyone over thirty", to "Never screw anyone over
thirty." Of course, if you keep leaning on it you will occasionally find a
long-haired teenager who is available, but judged on a one-to-one performance
basis, the Used Lady is infinitely superior to these females.
The Used Lady, when it comes to being feminine, is desperately professional.
She bathes and lotions herself constantly and her hair and underwear are always
spanking clean. She smells good; whereas the nineteen year old high school
dropout, although admittedly more supple, is likely to give off an overall aroma
of linseed oil. Her breath smells like health food; and her hair, more often
than not, is caked with grime and she will have gook in all her crevices.
Also, you will find if you pursue one of these leggy Lolitas to the bitter end,
that they are not really broken in. Looking at dirty pictures while smoking pot
and having had fifteen or twenty romps with pimply high school studs doesn't
really teach them much. Particularly, it will not have taught them to have any
respect for your physical limitations or for your sound, logical, carefully
considered opinions. In fact, the older bachelor who takes up with this type of
girl will find that a) he will have to spend hours listening attentively to her
inane and inarticulate opinions, and b) she will be of absolutely no help to him
in his daily life.
The Used Lady, on the other hand, is a source of strength and security. Until
you eventually make the mistake (alas) of marrying her, she will treat you as
you always expected to be treated by your first wife. She will listen to your
opinions and agree with them. She will recommend reliable dentists, doctors,
handymen, accountants, real estate agents and places to buy second hand
furniture. She will decorate your apartment or house and will arrange to be
there when things are delivered in the afternoon. She will drive you about in
the car her ex-husband (Jerry) is still paying for. She will send out your
laundry and make sure you have milk in the refrigerator. And through her you
will also meet other Used Ladies. In addition, she possesses one further - but
critical - virtue. She is easier to get rid of, to trade in, than a Brand New
Lady. Much easier! When the time comes, wail until she gets nervous and phones
you. Then say that you have been "taking a long, hard look at our
situation and have decided that you need something solid and permanent in your
life and that in spite of the fact that you have just lost your job, you are
going to move in with her." She will instantly have visions of Jerry and his
lawyer descending on her with resultant loss of income, house, and child, and
you will be a fee man. And still honorable.
So much for the relative merits of the New and Used Lady. The problem now is
how to effectively judge the assets and liabilities of the various models as
they relate to the average, aging, egocentric bachelor.
Note: The term "aging" used here does not mean "aged". It means only that all
of us past thirty-five are every day becoming more and more set in our ways and
less and less subject to the vapors of uncontrollable passion. We need and like
women but most of us no longer are likely to become infatuated with a specific
female to the point that we deny our normal male instincts (i.e., caution,
selfishness, self-indulgence, stinginess.)
The conclusions reached here are of necessity general, but they are the result
of an expenditure of much time, money, and physical effort, so treat them with
respect. Remember, before you buy a used car you will look at perhaps four and
study them carefully. It will pay you to take equal care in selecting a Lady,
because in the long run she will out last the car.
Overall Appearance and Construction:
Depending on figure, pneumatic qualities, etc., award points as follows: heavy
overall, or in rough condition, plus 100; heavy in unlikely (or likely) spots,
fair condition, plus 150; good, trim condition, plus 200; excellent or model
condition, plus 250 points.
Models Classified as to Age:
Actual age is not as important as condition, style, and appearance (a 1961
Masarati is to be preferred over, say, a 1969 Falcon).
MODEL UL 24-30: These Ladies (who are between twenty-four and thirty years old)
get 80 points. UL 24-30's were born during World War II, married early and
usually have only one rotten child who is so young you can't really tell how
rotten it is. Many UL 24-30's have the advantage of contemporary decor, but
this is offset by the fact that they will often act as well as look as if they
were new. They will also assume that you are interested in them because you
want to marry them (an illusion which can be encouraged up to a point).
Note: There are few Used Ladies available who are under twenty-four. When
these ladies get divorced it is usually because they have taken up with someone
else (Bob) and they marry him instantly so they are never really on the market.
MODEL UL 30-35: These are vintage ladies, give them 125 points. UL 30-35's
take exercise and maintain their waistlines. They have learned, by this time,
how to cook and sew, they are not extravagant and do not interrupt. Sometimes
UL 30-35's will make statements about their Independence, about Freedom for
Women, about their "Rights", about being "Equal to Men", but they don't really
mean it. It is merely their way of flirting, of attracting your attention.
Whenever they speak of such matters, smile understandingly and give them little
hugs and pats. Remember, as long as they feel independent they won't nudge you
about getting married.
MODEL UL 35-40: These Ladies get only sixty points. Close and careful
consideration must be given to any UL 35-40 before making a commitment that is
likely to last more than twenty four hours. They have begun, at this age, to
get nervous about the subtle signs of wear and tear which have shown up and
which do not respond to reconditioning treatments. They have lost confidence in
vitamins and for the first time they feel a chilling envy when they see slender
seventeen year olds. They tend, often, to overdress, wear too many beads, and
they will try to learn the "dances the kids are doing." Their own children at
this time start saying, "Mother, why are you wearing such short skirts," which
is depressing. Their feelings are easily bruised, their tempers quickly
aroused, and you will have to waste time constantly reassuring them of your
devotion and admiration. Some, becoming desperate about their diminishing trade
in value, will look upon you as a Last Hope. However, if you are selective you
can find some excellent possibilities in this group. But watch it.
MODEL UL 40-50: Give these Ladies, between forty and fifty years old, 100
points. This relatively high point value is complex and needs explanation. It
is assumed, first, that if you are interested in a UL 40-50 you are at least as
old as she is. Also it is assumed that she will be one of the approximately
fifteen percent of the Ladies in this age group who are still in action as
Females. By the time they are forty one, a great many Ladies sadly give up.
They have allowed their femininity and their sensuality to evaporate - or
atrophy - and they are essentially sexless. They incline toward dumpiness and
become pussy cat people or dog lovers. They associate with their "girl friends"
and have no real need or desire to put up with a man and will tend to treat all
males as if they were awkward adolescents. They have accepted the fact and are
relieved to find themselves Old Maids. However, the fifteen percent who are
still out there in the open represent a superior type of female, and the
connoisseur can, with patience, discover a real gem in this age group. (A tip:
Always look for the ones who are deeply tanned). Younger studs who have never
promoted any over forty Ladies would, I think, be absolutely amazed if they
could see the bust development on many of these UL 40-50's, particularly the
ones who play tennis, golf, or swim regularly. Most of them, in the superior
fifteen percent, were slender or even skinny and flat chested when they were
young. They have now put on ten to twelve pounds and as a result have breasts
that one would normally expect to find on a twenty two year old and round solid
bottoms that are a joy to behold. Whether or not any of these Ladies have taken
advantage of any sort of plastic surgery is of no concern. Some of the best
cars in the country have been rebuilt. Don't worry about it. Accept it.
Note: There are Ladies, of course, over fifty, who are sporty and in mint
condition, but like 1932 Classic Cadillacs, they are of interest primarily to
classic Lady buffs and someone should arrange a Rally for these Classics.
EXTRAS AND ACCESSORIES: Points are awarded for various extras which can be
House: If the Used Lady owns a house and you can discover the assessed value
(check her tax bills), give her 4 points for ever $1,000 that it is assessed
(minus the outstanding mortgage unless Jerry, the ex-husband, is committed to
making the payments). If you are unable to estimate the value, award her 40
points for each bedroom in the house.
Car: If she owns a car give her 10 points for each $1,000 the car cost when
Income: Give her 10 points for each $50 of income she has per week - whether
from work, alimony, or child support.
Character: If she is a good cook and insists on fixing meals at home, give her
Schooling: If she is going or has gone back to Business School to learn
shorthand and typing, give her 20 points. If she has gone back to college and
actually gotten a degree - 20 points.
Sex: When considering a Used Lady, Sex is almost as important factor as the
house. But unlike the House, Sex can be either an asset or a liability. It is
best, however, to treat it as an asset on the basis that simple availability is
worth something. Accepting this as a premise, if the Lady is usually friendly
in bed, give her 75 points. If she is neutral, give her 50 points. If she is
unfriendly, give her 20 points.
This is, of course, a very personal category and you may translate "friendly"
any way you want - considering your own peculiarities. Essentially, in this
context, it means the Lady has a civilized, pleasant attitude toward the whole
thing, does her part, is never "too tired" or, conversely, too ambitious. It
means she does not try to take charge and insist on creative monkey business
when you have to get up early the next day. It means she won't try to fake you
out with phony yelling and biting or scratching. It means she doesn't lie there
like a slice of Smoked Salmon.
Remember, you're making a judgment for a long run performance, not for a one
shot spectacular, and to arrive at a realistic appraisal, it may be necessary
for you to face up to a basic fact - a fact which may be contrary to your most
Prices First Sexual Law: After we are thirty five we do not keep women around
so we can sleep with them, we sleep with them so we can keep them around.
You may well disagree with this (or at least with the age I've put on it), but
if you do, you are probably a victim of self delusion and will soon be in
trouble. This brings us to a final category. If you, yourself, are already in
trouble, award each Lady on your list 50 points just for putting up with you.
(Remember, you aren't Peter Fonda. Or even Henry). Trouble, in this sense, is
defined as follows: If you have allergies (more than one), bad breath, chronic
indigestion, a perspiration problem, constipation, coronary fibrillations, more
than one hernia, ringworm, a slipped disc, crab lice, advance acne, terminal
hemorrhoids, are forty pounds overweight, under five feet or over seven feet
tall, have a drinking problem, a drug problem or are a devout Baptist - you are
Liabilities: The most difficult problem you will face when selecting a Used
Lady will be the Used Children, because you will find it is impossible to
separate her, for any length of time, from her rotten kids. Occasionally, you
will find Used Children who are genuinely charming, disciplined, and agreeable
and a source of pleasure (once in a while). But, as a working postulate you can
assume that the kids are all Rottenkids. They do not, as Mommy may try to tell
you "need a father". They didn't like their real father and they sure as hell
aren't going to like you. They love living with Mommy and being paid for by
Poppa and having everything in their Home-World revolve around them. Whenever a
man comes into their Home, they know instinctively, even if they are only four
years old, that he cannot mean anything good for them. A little light goes on
automatically over his head which says "bad". So fix firmly in your mind the
fact that all Used Kids are Rottenkids, spoiled, boorish, undisciplined, and
rotten. If you start with this premise it will actually be easier for you to
accept the few okay kids you run into, as you will regard simple passivity or
lumpishness (negative rottenness) as a virtue.
In estimating the degree of rottenness of any specific child, some latitude is
allowed. If the child is: Plain rotten, deduct 30 points; quite rotten, deduct
40 points; very rotten, deduct 50 points; double rotten, deduct 60 points.
Note: In case one of the children is a nubile young girl, a possible exception
can be made. A nubile girl is one between the ages of ten and fifteen whose
breasts are already discernible under her sweat shirt, who wears heavy eye make
up and who doesn't seem to care too much for Mommy. Just on speculation you may
award a Used Lady 40 points for such a daughter. It will be a diversion to
watch her develop and she may become a source of interesting and possible
Financial Liabilities: If the Used Lady lets you know that she needs a) an
operation, b) dental work, c) new clothes, d) repairs on her car, e) money for
the Rottenkid, or f) money for anything at all, deduct 50 points and be wary at
all times. In fact, unless she is the only one on your list - keep moving.
Character Liabilities: If five minutes after meeting her, the Used Lady looks
at you very seriously and asks what sign you were born under, deduct 20 points.
If she was in one Off-Broadway type of show twelve years ago and if after
getting her divorce she decided to "go back into Show Business" and has started
a regimen of taking lessons (many of which will begin at seven thirty p. m.)
deduct 20 points.
Sneak a look in her freezer. For every frozen dinner deduct 5 points.
If, after getting her degree, the Used Lady has decided to write a novel about
her dreadful and unique experiences, deduct 20 points.
If she makes regular visits to Dr. Teinbaum, the Analyst, deduct 20 points.
Be wary of Ladies just recently on the market who have left, after at least
eight years of marriage, a man they now describe as stupid, perverse, devious,
impotent, unfaithful, untruthful, psychopathic, etc. After two sessions with
Dr. Teinbaum, this type of Used Lady will decide that Sex is the answer. Dr.
Teinbaum will have told her that she has always been too unselfish and people
have taken advantage of her. She must learn to lead her own life d do things
that will bring her pleasure. Not being able to think of anything that brings
her pleasure except eating chocolate cream candy, she settles for sex. Although
Jerry was practically her only experience, she reasons that there must be
something to it. Everyone says it is fun and it is trendy and a now thing that
they make movies about; so she reads a couple of dirty books and sees a few Ross
Hunter pictures and becomes wildly promiscuous. On first meeting you, she will
ask if you "like sex" and will talk a lot about doing it. She mentions this
Greek or this Italian she has been seeing who does IT ten times a night - every
night. This type of aggressive Lady is bad news. Her ambition is,
unconsciously, to get back at Jerry by getting back at all men (you), and she
will eventually wear you out no matter how long it takes and will then berate
you in shocking terms about your lack of virility and make odious comparisons
between you and the Greek or the Italian.
In eight months or a year she will have aged and may probably be all right, but
right now if you meet this Lady it's best to take evasive action. Of course, if
you feel you must land on her because of immediate need or just because she is
there (the Mt. Everest syndrome) you may enter her score in the Blue Book by
deducting 75 points.
Personal Bonus Points: At this time you may, if you wish, give any UL's on your
list a Bonus based on purely subjective considerations. If one of them happens
to have your particular type of looks or sensational legs, if her house is close
to your job, if she has interesting influential friends, if she has a swimming
pool. smells terrific in the morning, has a stylish accent or a way of speaking
that appeals to you, whatever - you may award her 50 points.
Scoring: You may now total up the scores and make a final selection. The UL
with the largest number of points will be the one who, over a period of time,
will give the most service, satisfaction, and the least trouble.
Using the Midwest as a control, 500 can be considered a good score. Anything
under 200 isn't worth bothering with - unless you are desperate. A score of 750
is superior; and if you discover one with a score of over 1250, you should
probably marry her right away before someone else does.
You will find the UL's on the West Coast and in the Southwest will have higher
scores, generally, because most of them own their own houses and cars. - but
they also tend to have more Rottenkids. Eastern Seaboard UL's often live in
apartments - but have higher incomes.
If you take the standards establishes by this Blue Book seriously you can save
yourself a phenomenal amount of wasted time and trouble - keeping in mind at all
times, however, the ancient admonition: Caveat Emptor!
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