And now for your feature presentation ~

"Twinkie, Twinkie,
Little suet-filled sponge cake crisco log,
Now I know just what you are."

"Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or Food?"

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments:

EXPOSURE:

Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which
time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed
crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form.  When removed ... the Twinkie
was found to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was
observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam
insulation; the filling, however, retained its adverstised
"creaminess."

RADIATION:

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set
for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon.
After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter.  After 1 minute, this aroma
began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber.  The experiment
was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began
billowing from the top of the oven ... a second Twinkie was subjected
to the same experiment ... this Twinkie leaked molten white filling
... when cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a
butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE:

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of 
approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up ... then bounced onto 
its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.  Indeed, 
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its 
underside ...  otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact .


EXTREME COLD:

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.  Upon 
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its 
physical properties had noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found 
to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting 
the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface.  
It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.

EXTREME HEAT:

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While the Twinkie 
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" 
boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however, produce the 
same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.

IMMERSION:

A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water.  The 
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yellow 
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a 
water-soluable artifical coloring.  After 2 hours, the Twinkie had 
bloated substantially.  Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in 
contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it.  The 
Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture.  After 72 
hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of 
its original size ... the water had turned opaque, and a small, 
fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."  
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were 
abandoned when, under light pressure ... the Twinkie disintegrated 
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

SUMMARY OF RESULTS

.. the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the 
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial 
coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally 
categorize the Twinkie as "food."  Further clinical inquiry is 
required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.

Reprinted from SPY magazine, 7/89.