______________________________________________________________________________
|  File Name      : REPAIR.ASC       |  Online Date     :  10/27/95          |
|  Contributed by : Jerry Decker     |  Dir Category    :  HUMOR             |
|  From           : KeelyNet BBS     |  DataLine        :  (214) 324-3501    |
|           KeelyNet * PO BOX 870716 * Mesquite, Texas * USA * 75187         |
|        A FREE Alternative Sciences BBS sponsored by Vanguard Sciences      |
|              InterNet email keelynet@ix.netcom.com (Jerry Decker)          |
|      Files also available at Bill Beaty's http://www.eskimo.com/~billb     |
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
I lifted the following from Chuck Rudds' training lab at the Kodak Marketing
Center in Rochester, New York.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                      How to Repair Electronic Equipment

  Step 1.   Approach the ailing equipment in a confident manner.  This will
            give the equipment the mistaken idea that you know something.  It
            will also impress anyone who happens to be looking, and if the
            equipment should suddenly start working, you will be credited with
            the repair.  If this step fails to work, proceed to step 2.

  Step 2.   Wave the service manual at the equipment.  This will make it
            assume that you are least familiar with the source of knowledge.
            Should this step fail to work, proceed to step 3.

  Step 3.   In a forcible manner, recite Ohm's Law to the equipment.

                           * * * *  CAUTION  * * * *
                Before taking this step, refer to some reliable
              handbook to be sure of your knowledge of Ohm's Law!

            This will prove to the equipment beyond a shadow of a doubt, that
            you know something.  This is a dramatic step and should only be
            attempted only if the first two fail.  If this step fails to work,
            proceed to step 4.

  Step 4.   Jar the equipment slightly.  This may require anything from a
            three to six foot drop, preferably on a concrete floor.  However,
            you must be careful with this step because, while jarring is an
            approved method of repair, you must NOT mar the floor.  Again,
            this is a very drastic step.  If it fails, proceed to step 5.

  Step 5.   Brandish a large screwdriver in a menacing manner.  This will
            frighten the equipment and demonstrate your knowledge of the
            deadly "short circuit" technique.  Proceed to step 6.

  Step 6.   Add a tube....even if the equipment is solid state.  This will
            prove that you are familiar with the equipment design.  This will
            confuse the equipment and thereby increase your advantage.  If
            this doesn't work, proceed to the most drastic and dangerous step.
            It is seldom needed and is a final resort if all else fails!!!!

  Step 7.                     T  H  I  N  K  !!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   Things you never say on a customer site.

   @  Hey, did you see a screw roll past here?

   @  I haven't seen one of these models since training.

   @  I'm gonna fix this machine even if it takes me SIX months.

   @  Hey, does anyone know where this part goes?

   @  Hey Joe, do you smell anything unusual?

   @  My God, I don't think I've ever seen a problem like this before.

   @  Hey Joe, do they STILL make parts for this model?

   @  Do you know where the KODAK machine is?  (As you are leaning against
      it.)

   @  Can you show me how to turn this machine on?

   @  Oh, don't worry about that noise, it's supposed to sound that way.

   @  Those screws?  Oh, those are shipping screws and we're supposed to throw
      em' away.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One final funny comment was in some email messages on KeelyNet, though I can't
remember who first said it.

  Machines will work fine as long as you can keep the smoke from getting out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------