AOH :: REALSHIT.TXT|
The Secret Real Estate Code
secret Real Estate Code
Sophisticated city living: Next to a noisy bar.
Country feel in the city: Previous owner kept a cow in the basement.
with contemporary flair: Collapsing Victorian with 3 picture windows.
Newer roof: Original thatch has been patched
with spray-on tar.
Old World charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.
Contemporary feel: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.
Close to lake: Impossible to park on the street
from April to October.
Picturesque setting: Abandoned cars and/or waist-high weeds
on neighboring lots.
Wide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.
Updated bath: Tub no longer overflows.
Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.
Country kitchen: You'll have to eat at franchise restaurants.
Eat-in kitchen: Previous owner sealed the door
from the kitchen to the dining room.
Move right in: Has been unoccupied for five years,
except for vagrants, vandals
and a herd of goats.
Motivated seller: Has been on market 14 years; owner has died.
Security system: Neighbor has loud dog.
Updated security system: Neighbor has loud dog and open window.
Not a drive-by: Exterior is falling off.
Drive-by: Interior is falling off.
Needs TLC: Major structural damage.
Handyman special: Earth-moving equipment is required
to get to front door.
Opportunity: Quick, before it falls down.
Fixer-upper: Quick, before it falls down again.
Convenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.
Completely renovated: All cats have been found and removed;
kitchen fan has been left on.
Neutral decor: No murals of nudes or Elvis.
Move in easy: Front door missing.
Walkout: Back door missing.
Tudor: Has backdoor and frontdoor.
Euro kitchen: Smells of garlic.
Secluded back yard: Auto salvage business next door has high fence.
Cozy: No room larger than 9 by 6.
Demand area: Traffic slows down about 3 a.m.,
picks up by 5:30.
Walk to lake: No bus service.
from front door: The road does not get snow-plowed.
Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.
Lower-level family room: Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
Starter home: Automobile parts have been stored in bedroom.
Grandma's home: No electrical improvements since 1926.
Original owner: Several rooms are packed floor-to-ceiling
with canceled checks and grocery receipts.
Really plush: Five rooms of orange shag carpeting.
Bachelor pad: Red velvet walls; smells bad.
Curb appeal: Only the front of the house is painted.
150-amp service: Previous owner had an arc welder
in the living room.
Lots of built-ins: Previous owner nailed furniture to the walls.
Tenant wants to stay: Evicting tenant is your problem.
No-maintenance exterior: Chicken wire over tar paper.
Newer windows: Old windows were smashed in a police raid.
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