secret Real Estate Code
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Sophisticated city living:      Next to a noisy bar.

Country feel in the city:       Previous owner kept a cow in the basement.

Traditional 
with contemporary flair:        Collapsing Victorian with 3 picture windows.

Newer roof:                     Original thatch has been patched 
                                with spray-on tar.

Old World charm:                Has some woodwork.  Needs cleaning.

Contemporary feel:              Has no woodwork.  Needs cleaning.

Close to lake:                  Impossible to park on the street 
                                from April to October.

Picturesque setting:            Abandoned cars and/or waist-high weeds
                                on neighboring lots.

Wide-open floor plan:           Previous owner removed supporting walls.

Updated bath:                   Tub no longer overflows.

Updated kitchen:                Sink no longer overflows.

Country kitchen:                You'll have to eat at franchise restaurants.

Eat-in kitchen:                 Previous owner sealed the door 
                                from the kitchen to the dining room.

Move right in:                  Has been unoccupied for five years,
                                except for vagrants, vandals 
                                and a herd of goats.

Motivated seller:               Has been on market 14 years; owner has died.

Security system:                Neighbor has loud dog.

Updated security system:        Neighbor has loud dog and open window.

Not a drive-by:                 Exterior is falling off.

Drive-by:                       Interior is falling off.

Needs TLC:                      Major structural damage.

Handyman special:               Earth-moving equipment is required
                                to get to front door.

Opportunity:                    Quick, before it falls down.

Fixer-upper:                    Quick, before it falls down again.

Convenient:                     Located on freeway entrance ramp.

Completely renovated:           All cats have been found and removed;
                                kitchen fan has been left on.

Neutral decor:                  No murals of nudes or Elvis.

Move in easy:                   Front door missing.

Walkout:                        Back door missing.

Tudor:                          Has backdoor and frontdoor.

Euro kitchen:                   Smells of garlic.

Secluded back yard:             Auto salvage business next door has high fence.

Cozy:                           No room larger than 9 by 6.

Demand area:                    Traffic slows down about 3 a.m., 
                                picks up by 5:30.

Walk to lake:                   No bus service.

Cross-country ski 
from front door:                The road does not get snow-plowed.

Outstanding:                    Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Lower-level family room:        Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

Starter home:                   Automobile parts have been stored in bedroom.

Grandma's home:                 No electrical improvements since 1926.

Original owner:                 Several rooms are packed floor-to-ceiling
                                with canceled checks and grocery receipts.

Really plush:                   Five rooms of orange shag carpeting.

Bachelor pad:                   Red velvet walls; smells bad.

Curb appeal:                    Only the front of the house is painted.

150-amp service:                Previous owner had an arc welder 
                                in the living room.

Lots of built-ins:              Previous owner nailed furniture to the walls.

Tenant wants to stay:           Evicting tenant is your problem.

No-maintenance exterior:        Chicken wire over tar paper.

Newer windows:                  Old windows were smashed in a police raid.


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