DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

       SIMPLY PUT:

       WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN, ...AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE...

       Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
       After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
       topics, these facts have emerged.

       Relationships:

       First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship:
       -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it
       on a semi-regular basis".

       When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
       to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
       Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

       A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
       break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
       "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
       forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I
       want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is
       known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that
       99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community
       colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
       these classes rarely prove effective.

       Sex:

       Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds
       of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of
       the foreplay.

       Maturity:

       Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
       function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading
       baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
       This is why high school romances rarely work out.

       Magazines:

       Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's
       magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
       the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
       is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
       Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most
       naked men elicit laughter from women.

       Handwriting:

       To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
       chickenscratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they
       dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously
       large loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read
       a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
       smiley face at the end of the note.

       Comedy:

       Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
       television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
       Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
       uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
       favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and
       wait it out.

       Bathrooms:

       A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
       shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
       Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's
       bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of
       these items.

       Groceries:

       A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
       store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items
       left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes
       grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the
       time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
       tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of
       course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
       lane.

       Shoes:

       When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
       and then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes
       in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will
       put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later she will kick them
       off because her feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the
       same pair of shoes all day.

       Leg Warmers:

       Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
       doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear
       them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is
       auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

       Going Out:

       When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
       out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
       be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes
       putting on her makeup...

       Cats:

       Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
       looking, men kick cats.

       Offspring:

       Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
       about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
       friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
       A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

       Low Blows:

       Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
       of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.
       That must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and
       actually FEELS the pain.

       Dressing Up:

       A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
       the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man
       will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

       David Letterman:

       Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
       Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
       bad haircut.

       Laundry:

       Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
       article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
       were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
       When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
       sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
       clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful
       women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
       of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

       Weddings:

       When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
       Men talk about "the bachelor party".

       Socks:

       Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
       Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the
       ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big
       fuzzy ball on the back.

       Nicknames:

       If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
       they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
       But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
       affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
       Peanut-Brain and Useless.

       Eating out:

       ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
       throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of
       them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
       they want change back.  When the girls get their check, out come
       the pocket calculators.

       Mirrors:

       Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
       Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
       any shiny surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
       Garagiola's head.

       Menopause:

       When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
       complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
       The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
       individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he
       buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
       gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

       The Telephone:

       Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the
       telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman can
       visit her girlfriend for two weeks , and upon returning home, she
       will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

       Directions:

       If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
       surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
       directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will
       never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle
       for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've
       found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general
       neighborhood.  I recognize that 7-11 store."

       Admitting Mistakes:

       Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who
       admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

       Richard Gere:

       Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
       Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
       who works at the health club and dates only married women.

       Madonna:

       Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

       Toys:

       Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the
       age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their
       obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become
       more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
       little miniature TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated juicers and
       blenders.  Graphic equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails
       on command.  Video games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and
       requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

       Plants:

       A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
       The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days
       later to an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this
       happens.

       Cameras:

       Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for
       state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
       photography classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of
       course women always end up taking better pictures.

       Locker Rooms:

       In the locker room men talk about three things:  money, football,
       and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
       nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
       about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -sex.
       And not in abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic
       and technical, and they never lie.

       Garages:

       Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
       Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in
       garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
       lopsided benches in garages.

       Movies:

       Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
       scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
       been produced by a man.  The only actor who has ever appeared
       nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  This is another reason why
       men hate him.

       Jewelry:

       Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
       wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will
       look like a lounge singer named Vic.


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