From the Cosmic Wisdom of Joe Bob Briggs:

                         DESIGNER GENES

     The National Institutes of Health got a big check from the government to
study the 100 trillion cells in the human body and find out how they can mess
with fetuses to upgrade the population.  In other words, if I understand this
deal right, they're gonna figure out exactly what each gene does and why your
body is put together with little twisted ladders that have nose hairs growing
out the sides.  (I made D's in biology, I'm doing the best I can.)
     Anyhow, there are some things about your genetic DNA that I think you
ought to know, things that they've already found out:
          1.  They have isolated the SAT gene.  When enlarged a billion times
     under the electron microscope, the SAT gene shows an exact score, "567
     verbal, 685 math."  This means that, when the baby is born, he's already
     coded for the SAT and doesn't really need to study for it.  He can if he
     wants to, but there's not really any point.  You've either got a Harvard
     baby or a Chico State baby, and there's nothing you can do about it.
          2.  The strongest, most weather resistant genes belong to cement
     contractors in the Ozark mountains.  If left unchecked, these genes will
     gradually dominate over all other genes in America, and we will become a
     race of mashed-potato eating hawkers of concrete.
          3.  Researchers have discovered a "wild card" gene in independent
     insurance agents that causes them to put satellite dishes in their front
     yards.
          4.  We now know that Brigitte Nielsen can't help it.
          5.  The desire to surf is caused by a chromosomal disorder called
     "Dude syndrome," where normal shapes of the 43rd and 44th chromosomes
     become juxtaposed in a "goofy-foot" pattern.  This can be corrected with
     long-term therapy, but early tests show that patients lose the desire to
     surf but develop an even stronger desire to hang-glide.
          6.  Playboy playmates and Sports Illustrated swimsuit models were
     tested separately for signs of any special "jiggle" genes, and it turned
     out that the Playmates were missing large portions of their cerebellum.
     This has nothing to do with genes.  It was, however, a great relief to
     the anguished husbands of Playboy Playmates.
          7.  Fourteen-year-old boys at the East Windham Preparatory School in
     Bridgeport, Connecticut, were put to sleep to see if this would have any
     effect on their parents.  Later, researchers went to the Bedford School
     in Asheville, North Carolina, and reversed the process, to see if the
     death of a parent would have any effect on the student.  In both cases,
     it took an average of two years for the family member to notice something
     "missing."  Further research showed this to be the result of what is now
     called the "scotch-and-soda" gene group, which also causes these people
     to order personalized checks with swans on them.
          8.  Bryant Gumbel has no genes.  Researchers are looking into the
     possible reasons.
          9.  A strong faction within the federal government wants to take the
     genes of Marlo Thomas, graft them to the genes of Charles Manson, and see
     what happens.  "You get that extra little oomph in the mix when you mix
     apples and oranges," explained one researcher.  To test this idea, lab
     technicians are using Marlo Thomas rats--rodents that display Marlo
     Thomas-type behavior--and Charles Manson rats.  So far the tests are
     inconclusive, since all the Marlo Thomas rats have devoured the Charles






     Manson rats.
          10.  A special top-secret unit of the NIH is looking into the
     ethical problems surrounding the search for perfect genes.  Would it be
     ethical, for example, to eliminate cancer gene from the population, if
     it also meant losing professional women's volleyball?  The answer, at
     this point, is a probable no.  "It's too much like playing God," one of
     the guys said.  "If the Almighty put professional women's volleyball on
     the earth, He must have had a reason.  Who are we to judge?"  Another
     question being looked into is:  "If you took all the genes from  a
     bodybuilder like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you injected them into the
     body of Pee-Wee Herman, what would it look like?"  This project has been
     temporarily delayed due to an outbreak of nausea among the team doing the
     work.
My personal opinion of this project is that I don't think it should be left in
the hands of the people with defective genes who are in charge right now.  We
should wait until we have much healthier genes, like maybe after we've grafted
some ET genes onto the human race, and then turn these guys loose with a test
tube,  Otherwise, one of em's gonna look up and say, "We seem to have had a
little accident here in the lab," and then a hundred years from now we'll all
have walrus teeth and hickeys on the end of our noses.  Sandy Duncan would be
president.  It's not something you really wanna think about.