AOH :: HIST1.TXT|
A comedic history of the world
A HISTORY OF THE WORLD
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher
is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teacher throughout the United States, from
eigth greade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
of a huge triangular cube. Tye Pramids are a range of mountains between
France and Spain.
The bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham
to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to
be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One ofJacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwars, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. Achilles appears in the Illiad by Homer. Homer also
wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured
on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
of that same name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran b=races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the jave. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people the law into their own
hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't clomb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeds. HIstory calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Ceasar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would
torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and
victims of the Black Death gres boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevel times most of the people were illiterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg
for selling paper indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenburg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizibeth was
the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to get
Macbeth to kill the King by attaching his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic coupler. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and this was knows as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed
at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on
thier back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English but tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to singers
of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all
his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strenth." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also freed the slaves by sighning the Imasculatoin Proclamation, and the
Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan
would lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it
represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theator and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposing insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented
by Isaac Walton. It is cihefly noticeable in the Autemn, when teh apples are
falling off the trees.
Back was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was teh theme song of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped a Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for sixty-three years. Her reclining years and
finally the end of her live were exemplatory of a great personality. Her
death was the final even which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of may great inventions and
thoughts. The inventions of the steamboat caused a netword of river to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the
Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discoverd radius. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history...
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