DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG


   I met her __________    _____;  I can still recall _________ she wore;
                (1)        (2)                        (3)

   1.                      2.                      3.
   on the highway          in September            that purple dress
   in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
   outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
   at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
   on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
   in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
   in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
   incognito               with her father         the neon sign
   in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
   in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
   in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


   She was ______  _____,
             (4)    (5)

   4.                                  5
   sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
   drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
   weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
   breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
   crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
   smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
   crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
   chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
   talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
   drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
   slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


   and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
                (6)      (7)        (8)

   6.                                   7.                    8.
   no guy would ever love her more      I promised her        stay with her
   that she would be an easy score      I knew deep down      warp her mind
   she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if       swear off booze
   that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink     change my sex
   I'd never rate her more than "4"     The judge declared    punch her out
   they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said     live off her
   it was a raven, nothing more         I shrieked in pain    have my rash
   we really lost the last World War    The painters knew     stay a dwarf
   I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said        hate her dog
   what strong deodorants were for      My hamster thought    pick my nose
   that she was rotten to the core      The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
   that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said        salivate


   She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                   (9)                               (10)

   9.                            10.
   our love would never die      run off
   there was no other guy        wind up
   man wasn't meant to fly       boogie
   that Nixon didn't lie         yodel
   her basset hound was shy      sky dive
   that Rolaids made her high    turn green
   she'd have a swiss on rye     freak out
   she loved my one blue eye     blast off
   her brother's name was Hy     make it
   she liked "Spy vs. Spy"       black out
   that birthdays made her cry   bobsled
   she couldn't stand my tie     grovel

   ___________; _________ goodbye.
      (11)        (12)

   11.                       12.
   with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
   in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
   on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
   on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
   with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
   on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
   with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
   with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
   at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
   in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
   with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
   while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked