========
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: CyberJibe 1/30/97 (humor newsletter)
From: michael@nfocomm.com (Michael Connolly)
Date: 31 Jan 1997 03:55:06 GMT


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   ___   __  ___  ____   ____   _____
  /  _| \  \/  / |    \ |  __| |  __ \     _Editors_
  | |    \    /  | O  / | |__  | |__| |  Michael Connolly
  | |_    \  /   |   <  |  __| |     /      Tony Capra
  |   |   / /    | O  \ | |__  | |\  |
  \___|  /_/     |____/ |____| |_| |_|     \|/ _____ \|/
            _________________               @~/ , . \~@
           |                 |             /_( \__ _/)_\
           |_________________|                \___U_/
    _______  ________  ____   _____
   |___   _||__    __||    \ |   __| Issue mailed 1/30/97
   _   | |     |  |   | O  / |  |__  Any Original stuff
  | |  | |     |  |   |   <  |   __| Copyright 1997
  |  \/  |   __|  |__ | O  \ |  |__  By Tony Capra
  \_____/   |________||____/ |_____| and Michael Connolly


"Rome makes me think of a man who keeps to himself by showing
visitors the corpse of his grandmother."
          - James Joyce

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In This Issue
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o Letter From The Editor (T)
o News
 - Time Telling Bacteria
o Funny
 - The Pastor's Housekeeper
 - Product Instructions
 - Lollipops
 - Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips
 - Old Virgin
o Farewell Address

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Letter From the Editor (T)
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   I know what you're thinking. You are reading CyberJibe and
saying to yourself, "It just doesn't get any funnier than this."
Well, you're close, but you're wrong. The only thing funnier than
the CyberJibe newsletter is the CyberJibe web page. In addition to
the great stories and jokes, the web page has links and sounds! So
if you are new to CJ or if you have been on the newsletter for a
while but you haven't seen the page, go ahead and check it out.

                                Tony

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Quick Quiz
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  Last week's question:

          In literature, who or what are the Ents?

   They were the half tree, half man, protectors of trees and their
spirits in J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

  Congratulations to: Phil Gregory
                      TJ Hanlon
                      Denita Brockert


  This week's question:

   Before D-day, what was the largest naval invasion force in history?

  Send answers to tony@nfocomm.com

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Time Telling Bacteria
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   Scientists are rethinking what they know about bacteria:
It turns out that the organisms tell time.

   New studies of a laboratory bacterium show that the
organism passes on a biological clock, even while it divides
to produce new generations of offspring, according to Susan
Golden, a Texas A&M University molecular biologist. Golden's
research at the College Station campus is funded by the
National Science Foundation's (NSF) division of molecular
and cellular biosciences.

   "Recent results suggest that a lot of cells have their
own clocks--cells that we might not expect to have them,"
says Golden.

   The biologist used two different methods to measure
activity governed by the circadian--or clock--cycle, while
cells of a bacterium known as cyanobacteria were in the
midst of dividing to reproduce.  Golden found that even if
the organism produced four new generations of offspring
during one circadian cycle, each new generation's biological
functions continued on the same schedule as that of the
original parent organism.

   "This was a big surprise," says Golden, "but we now know
that it's possible for cells to divide, and to have their
'daughter' cells remember where they are in the parent's
clock at that time."

   Eventually, understanding how circadian rhythms work
could lead to improved treatments in humans for depression
and other psychological illnesses.  Scientists also predict
there could be more effective chemotherapy for cancer and
improved timing in drug delivery for other diseases.
[Cheryl Dybas]


                             -NSF-


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  In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
rectory. That privilege is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have
dinner at the rectory.

  While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely
the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there
was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal,
the middle-aged pastor assured the young assistant that everything
was purely professional that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.

  About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,
"Father, since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he
took it, do you?" The pastor replied, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
write him a letter."

  So the pastor sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you
did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were
here for dinner."

  The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as
follows, "Dear Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the
housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed
you would find the gravy ladle."

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 IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING

   Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except
 that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead
 consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

   PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
 UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
 IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
 NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
 YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
 ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
 THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
 THAT?!?

   We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
 always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
 the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
 So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
 your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
 OK? Now let's talk about:

 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

   The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping
 people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

   PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
 ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
 WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

   Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
 engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
 backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
 bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
 question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
 "Barker", if you get our drift.

 WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
 THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

 If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
 one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
 manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
 Europe.

 Besides the device, the box should contain:

    * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
    * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
      and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
 cable.

   IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
 your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
 car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
 why."

 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
 Pete.

 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

   The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
 electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
 effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
 to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
 then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
 equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six
 Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

 DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

 Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
 and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

 WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
 SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
 EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

 WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
 WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
 INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
 RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
 "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

 INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
 that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next
 taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!
 However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
 maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

 4. WARRANTY

 Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
 all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
 defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
 Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
 Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
 Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
 designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
 the attractive designer case.

 WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
 HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE


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   There was an old senile lady walking down the streets of New York
one night, and she happened by the scene of a police raid on a
whorehouse. The police had the whores lined up, and were going taking
names and putting them in the wagon. The old lady looks at the
whores, and asks one, "What are you waiting in line for?" The hooker
looks down at the old lady and says, "We're waiting in line for
lollipops, what do you think?" so the old lady gets in line. When
a cop get to the lady the officer says, "Aren't you a little old
for this, lady?", to which she replied, "As long as they keep makin'em,
I'll keep suckin'em."

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 In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

  Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but
as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

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         Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips

10.  The city does not employ so-called, "wallet inspectors."

9.   Remember, regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.

8.   Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.

7.   John Gotti always has the right of way.

6.   Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records
     on you.

5.   Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.

4.   It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body
     outline.

3.   Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up
     passengers.

2.   If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.

1.   If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.


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Farewell Address
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  In addition to regular material, we are still looking for short
jokes and one-liners. Any help is appreciated.

                                    Tony

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CyberJibe is edited by Tony Capra and Michael Connolly.  To subscribe,
send E-mail to subjibe@nfocomm.com with the words "SUBSCRIBE CYBERJIBE
firstname lastname" in the body of the message.  Send articles and
stuff to be included to artjibe@nfocomm.com.  The CyberJibe Home Page
URL is <http://www.visionx.com/funny/>.

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