AOH :: 91REVIEW.TXT|
1991: The year in review
The Year In Review Conf: (49) Chitchat-I
1 -- The new year dawns with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein arrogantly
thumbing his nose at international law. Little does this homicidal bully
realize that, although he is riding high now, before the year is over, he
will be, um, almost a year older. In college football, the University of
Colorado Buffaloes become national champions by employing what will later
become known as the "Clarence Thomas strategy," in which they throw their
opponents off-stride by refusing to take a position on the coin toss.
8 -- Pan Am files for bankruptcy, but promises that all of its flights
"will continue to take off right on schedule." This turns out to be true,
although on many flights, the pilot refuses to LAND until the passengers
cash his paycheck.
9 -- Elvis, surrounded by a few close friends, turns 56.
10 -- Hopes fade for a peaceful settlement to the Persian Gulf crisis when
a grim-faced U.S. Secretary of State James Baker informs Iraqi Foreign
Minister Tariq Aziz that his name "sounds like an armpit fungus." With war
now apparently inevitable, the nation is swept by a patriotic fervor as
grim-faced yellow-ribbon manufacturers prepare to make huge profits and
somber advertising executives labor far into the night producing emergency
combat-related Miller Lite commercials.
12 -- Haiti goes 36 straight hours without having a coup. The United
Nations sends an inspection team to find out what's wrong.
13 -- Bo Jackson is injured in a football game and returns home to Krypton
for medical treatment.
16 -- War erupts in the Middle East as massive allied air forces attack
Iraq with extremely sophisticated computerized weapons capable of hitting,
with pinpoint accuracy, any target except Saddam Hussein. Broadcasting
live from a Baghdad hotel, three courageous CNN reporters hold the nation
spellbound with electrifying coverage of their desperate efforts to reach
17 -- The Iraqi air force, rising to the challenge, flies to Iran.
18 -- Eastern Airlines is finally forced to shut down and liquidate its
assets, which at this point consist of a 55-gallon drum containing a
greenish-orange substance believed to be in-flight lasagna.
19 -- The air war over Iraq heats up as the U.S. Air Force introduces a
Frequent Combat Flier Program, under which after a certain number of
sorties, pilots may bomb the target of their choice. Many choose Sam
Donaldson. Responding boldly, the Iraqi air force (proud motto: "We're Out
Of Here") flies to Greece.
22 -- The U.S. Commission On Making It Even Less Convenient To Mail A
Letter Than It Already Is announces that the new first-class stamp will
cost 29 cents. Other ideas under consideration include a requirement that
all mail must have rhyming addresses, and stamps made of live stinging
25 -- A huge oil slick begins spreading outward from Kuwait, threatening
vast ecological damage to the Gulf region. Aerial reconnaissance reveals
the shocking cause: The Iraqis, in flagrant disregard of international law
and environmental standards, have chartered the Exxon Valdez.
27 -- In Super Bowl XVCVILXVII, the New York Giants and the Buffalo Bills
display their support for the Persian Gulf troops by playing the entire
game wearing full Army combat uniforms, including backpacks. The game ends
on a thrilling note when, with eight seconds to go and the Giants ahead
20-19, Bills placekicker Scott Norwood, attempting a 47- yard field goal,
is felled by a grenade heaved by MVP Lawrence Taylor. Reacting quickly,
the Iraqi air force flies to Wales.
28 -- President Bush's economic advisers predict that the recession will
"definitely" end by March. "Also," they note, "we like the Bills in the
1 -- The civilized world reacts with horror as Iraq, continuing to show a
total disregard for standards of decency, attacks Israel with the
French-built "Loogie" missile, which, upon reaching the target area, hawks
up a gigantic gob.
2 -- Reacting to the new Iraqi threat, the United States pledges to defend
Israel with the Sanitationman Missile, which is essentially a large,
6,000-mile-per-hour laser-guided sneeze shield.
4 -- In Groundhog Day observances, President Bush's economic advisers
emerge from their offices, see their shadows, and predict that winter has
6 -- Danny Thomas goes to the Big Situation Comedy in the Sky.
7 -- True Item: In Keithville, La., as many as 50 people, including
sheriff's deputies, game wardens and wildlife officials, spend most of the
night trying to rescue what appears to be a black bear caught high in a
pine tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours, during which a veterinarian
fired a number of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers chop the tree down and
discover that they have saved a heavily sedated black garbage bag.
8 -- Tensions mount in the Persian Gulf as a grim-faced Gen. Norman
Schwarzkopf orders his troops to shoot the next member of the press corps
who asks him when the ground war is going to start.
10 -- Domestic air travel is snarled by a freak combination of bad
weather, computer breakdowns, and the fact that the Iraqi air force has
requested permission to land in Chicago.
14 -- Saddam charges that allied bombers, in violation of international
human-rights laws, are dropping U.S. Army food on Baghdad.
20 -- The Bush administration, in a sweeping reform designed to restore
public confidence in the troubled U.S. banking system, orders air bags
installed on automatic teller machines.
23 -- The long-awaited land war finally begins as Allied troops storm into
24 -- Allied troops, after checking their maps, realize that they have
stormed all the way THROUGH Iraq. They hastily turn around and storm back.
25 -- Hopes are aroused for an early end to the ground war when 3,500
Iraqi troops surrender to an allied portable field toilet.
26 -- The war quickly turns into a rout of historic proportions as allied
forces push deep into Iraq, toward Baghdad, drawing ever closer to the
long-sought goal of ridding the world of Saddam Hussein. The waiting, the
anguish, the pain and the suffering all seem to be justified as the allies
realize they are about to accomplish, at last, the mission of eliminating
this tyrant, this murderer, this international cancer, this ... Wait! Hold
it! New orders from Washington! There has been a slight change: The new
mission is to mail Hussein a certified letter notifying him that he lost
the war and giving him strict instructions that he is to sign the letter
and mail it back within two weeks.
27 -- James Brown is released from prison after agreeing to let his parole
board sing backup.
3 -- Shocked at the devastation they find in Kuwait, the allies begin a
massive humanitarian airlift of emergency replacement gold plumbing
fixtures for the royal palace. A grateful world learns that members of the
Kuwaiti royal family have escaped injury despite being just 2,000 miles
from the thick of the fighting, trapped in European hotels with only
minimal polo facilities.
7 -- The House of Representatives, responding to ridicule and complaints
from taxpayers, votes to withdraw a $500,000 grant that was to have been
used to restore the birthplace of Lawrence Welk. "We need new priorities,"
admit chastised House leaders. "We're now thinking maybe Barry Manilow."
11 -- True item: During a presidential visit to a Virginia school, a
skeptical third-grader refuses to believe that George Bush is who he says
he is until the President produces his driver's license.
12 -- The Kuwaiti royal family elects to continue its courageous exile in
Europe for a while longer after the allies report that fleeing Iraqi
troops, in a heinous act of wanton environmental destruction that will
render Kuwait almost uninhabitable for months, have set fire to all the
13 -- During a vice-presidential visit to a Maryland elementary school, a
skeptical fourth-grader refuses to believe that Dan Quayle is who he says
he is until the Vice President produces his anatomically correct Mexican
17 -- In a heartwarming display of democratic progress, millions of Soviet
citizens turn out to vote in the nation's first-ever referendum.
Unfortunately, there is only one working polling booth, and the line is
4,000 miles long.
20 -- True Item: From his cell in Dade County Jail in Miami, Manuel
Noriega announces that he is a "born-again" Christian.
21 -- Another True Item: In the wake of the Alar pesticide scare, the
Colorado State Legislature, pressured by agricultural interests, passes a
bill that would make it possible to sue people for making libelous
statements about vegetables. This is seen as a blow to the U.S. humor
industry, which depends heavily on Dan Quayle jokes.
22 -- The National Football League, in its continuing effort to make games
more boring, bans post-touchdown celebrating. Also under consideration is
a move to eliminate the players altogether and instead have the referees
compete to see who can throw a penalty flag the farthest. The Dade County
Jail is struck by lightning.
23 -- True Item: Hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky pays $451,000 for a Honus
Wagner baseball card.
24 -- In Iraq, the Kurds, responding to President Bush's wartime call for
a popular uprising against Saddam, rise up against Saddam. In the U. S.,
the slumping airline industry, in an effort to lure back passengers who
were frightened away by the Gulf crisis, announces that it will stop
25 -- Saddam's forces begin slaughtering the Kurds, who beg the U.S. to
help them. In an Academy Awards shocker, the coveted Oscar for Best Action
Drama goes to "Los Angeles Police Officers Whomping On An Unarmed Prone
26 -- President Bush announces that unfortunately the U.S. cannot provide
any actual MILITARY support for the Kurds, but he pledges that he will
definitely not raise their taxes.
30 -- Saddam Hussein, responding to an inquiry from the Gulf war allies,
claims that he never got any letter about losing any war. The U. N., after
three days of debate, votes to send him another letter.
1 -- The U.S. economy is definitely on the mend, announce President Bush's
economic advisers, after a two-hour meeting with the Easter Bunny.
3 -- Japanese investors purchase the ozone layer.
7 -- In the arts, Kitty Kelley and Nancy Reagan captivate the nation with
their smash-hit collaboration, "Dueling Shrews."
8 -- In the first concrete example of the "peace dividend," the Pentagon
announces that hundreds of U.S. missiles, no longer needed to defend
against Soviet attack, will be fired at U.S. savings-and-loan
9 -- In Palm Beach, tireless social activist Sen. Edward M. Kennedy
(D-UMB) leads a fact-finding mission of the Select Subcommittee on
Fermentation and Nocturnal Reconnaissance, setting in motion a chain of
events that will permanently knock the Kurds out of the news.
11 -- As the federal income-tax deadline draws near, the Internal Revenue
Service offers a convenient new program, called "Don't Sweat It!", under
which taxpayers, instead of filling out lengthy and complex forms, will
have the option of simply shooting themselves in the head.
12 -- True Item: NBC and The New York Times, following the lead of a
supermarket tabloid called The Globe, release the name of the alleged
Kennedy compound rape victim. In sports, Wayne Gretzky pays $784,000 for a
jar containing two ounces of Ty Cobb's spit.
13 -- The U.S. space probe Wanderer II reaches the outer edge of the solar
system, where, in one of the space program's most dramatic moments, it is
passed by the Iraqi air force.
14 -- In Hollywood, plans are announced to film "Los Angeles Police
Officers Whomping On A Prone Motorist II," which will star John Candy and
16 -- Hero Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf announces plans to retire and make
millions of dollars, after which he'll be able to afford to have his head
surgically reduced to normal size. In media affairs, The New York Times
and NBC report that Bigfoot has undergone a UFO sex-change operation and
is carrying JFK's baby.
17 -- True Item: The president of Colombia fires his official pilots after
they get lost while taxiing the president's plane around Miami
International Airport, at one point almost turning the wrong way on an
18 -- The fired Colombian pilots are immediately hired by President Bush's
21 -- Ending 159 years of tradition, members of Yale's exclusive and
highly secretive Skull and Bones Club vote to stop wearing women's
27 -- In a move with complex legal ramifications, the California
Legislature votes to ban smoking in the past.
4 -- White House aides become alarmed when President Bush, on his routine
jog, suddenly begins speaking in complete sentences. He is rushed to
Bethesda Naval Hospital, where doctors begin a series of tests to
determine how come, if it's a NAVAL hospital, it's nowhere near the water.
Vice President Quayle is dispatched on an urgent fact-finding mission
regarding shellfish in the Faeroe Islands.
6 -- True Item: Medical tests reveal that President Bush is suffering from
Graves' disease, which -- in what doctors describe as a one in a million
coincidence -- is the same disease afflicting Mrs. Bush AND Millie, the
7 -- Further tests reveal that, in what doctors say is a one in 147
billion coincidence, the entire White House staff also has Graves'
8 -- Further tests reveal that, in what doctors say is a one in 378
squintillion coincidence, every tourist who has visited the White House
for the past three years also has Graves' disease.
9 -- President Bush announces that, on the advice of his physician, he
will stop inviting Graves to the White House.
10 -- White House Chief of Staff John Sununu, arguing that he is extremely
essential to the government and must always be near special communications
equipment, defends his decision to travel from Washington to a Boston
dental appointment via nuclear submarine.
13 -- New York City's financial outlook appears bleak as a new study shows
that the city's largest remaining industry is people asking each other for
15 -- A baffling Bermuda Triangle mystery is finally solved when a salvage
team reports that Flight 19, the famous "Lost Squadron" of five U.S. Navy
planes that disappeared off the coast of Florida on a routine training
mission in 1945, has spent the past 46 years waiting for clearance to land
16 -- Wayne Gretzky pays $1.2 million for Babe Ruth's corpse.
20 -- True Item: The Space Shuttle Columbia is prepared to be launched on
a biological research mission with a cargo that includes 30 rats and 2,478
21 -- The popular TV show "Wheel of Fortune" scores a ratings coup when
ailing letter-turner Vanna White is replaced by Norman Schwarzkopf.
23 -- As technical problems delay the Space Shuttle Columbia launch, the
rat count climbs to 57, with the jellyfish total estimated at more than
24 -- U.S. taxpayers start to see some concrete benefits from the Gulf war
victory as Washington and New York get into a major rivalry over who's
going to have the biggest parade. In a related development, Saddam
Hussein, responding to continued U.N. inquiries, acknowledges that he did
receive some kind of letter about losing a war, but he misplaced it. World
tension mounts as the Security Council votes to send him a fax.
25 -- As technical problems continue to delay the Space Shuttle launch,
NASA technicians become alarmed about the rat and jellyfish populations,
which are now increasing so rapidly that the Columbia is visibly bulging.
30 -- True Item: Officials in Berkeley, Calif., search for a radioactive
cat after a box of kitty litter sets off a radiation alarm at a landfill.
1 -- The space program suffers another setback when the shuttle Columbia,
unable to contain the rapid internal critter buildup, explodes on the
launch pad, causing rats and jellyfish to rain from the sky as far away as
Illinois. President Bush's economic advisers predict that this will be
good for the economy.
2 -- As the big New York-Washington victory parade rivalry escalates, the
Pentagon is forced to reinstate the draft in order to provide enough
4 -- In yet another troubling commentary on the U.S. educational system,
the secretary of education reports that 4.3 million 10th-grade students
were recently given a standardized math test, and their dog ate it.
6 -- Ending months of speculation about whether David Letterman or Jay
Leno would replace Johnny Carson as host of "The Tonight Show," NBC
announces that it has decided on Norman Schwarzkopf.
10 -- New York's big victory parade goes off without a hitch except for an
unfortunate incident wherein several floats are "accidentally" strafed by
Washington-based fighter jets.
13 -- President Bush, in Portugal to discuss how the U.S. can help fight a
fungus that threatens the olive crop, angrily denies the charge that he is
neglecting domestic issues. "I am very concerned about the United, um,
whaddycallem, States," he says. "Barbara and I have a summer home there."
15 -- Washington's Gulf war victory parade is a glorious success until
marchers are forced to flee in terror from a high-speed New York City
subway train that "somehow" got more than 150 miles off course.
17 -- The Army Corps of Engineers begins work on the $57 billion Trans-New
Hampshire Canal, which will enable indispensable White House Chief of
Staff John Sununu to get to the ski slopes via aircraft carrier.
18 -- True Item: Researchers dig up the remains of deceased President
Zachary Taylor to investigate a theory that he was poisoned by anti-
slavery forces 141 years ago.
19 -- In another great victory for the War on Drugs, Medellin drug cartel
kingpin Pablo Escobar turns himself in to the Colombian legal system,
which technically could sentence him to as much as two weeks in the hotel
of his choice.
20 -- In a discovery with chilling implications, researchers find that
Zachary Taylor was in fact killed by a bullet fired from a rifle that was
later owned by Lee Harvey Oswald.
22 -- Thurgood Marshall announces his retirement from the Supreme Court
after realizing that for six months he has been hearing cases in his
25 -- Despite fierce opposition from the National Rifle Association, the
House of Representatives passes a bill that would outlaw disgruntled
former postal employees.
29 -- True Item: The only version of Colombia's proposed new constitution,
which is being written on a computer, is completely wiped out when a
technician accidentally erases it.
30 -- Congress hires the Colombian computer technician to keep track of
the federal deficit.
1 -- President Bush, who is totally against racial quotas, discovers to
his amazement that of all the possible candidates to replace Thurgood
Marshall, who is black, the most qualified person is Clarence Thomas, who,
in what White House doctors say is a one in 984 hillion jillion vermilion
coincidence, ALSO happens to be black (although, miraculously, he does NOT
have Graves' disease). In his first news conference as nominee, Thomas
reveals that he was born in Humble Origins, Ga., and grew up so poor that
he could never afford to have an opinion. In the arts, Little Joe rides
off to the Permanent Ponderosa.
3 -- True Item: Searchers in New Mexico use airplanes and helicopters to
hunt for a radioactive goat. The "Atomic Goat," as it is known, was one of
62 goats fitted with collars filled with radioactive isotopes as part of a
$116,000 federal experiment to track coyotes by following the radiation
they emitted after eating the goats. Wildlife experts are concerned that
the Atomic Goat might contaminate the environment.
4 -- President Bush, clearly troubled by the sagging U.S. economy, arrives
in Albania to mediate a strike of asphalt shovelers.
5 -- True Item: The director of the Crypto-Phenomena Museum in Malibu,
Calif., announces that, in examining NASA satellite photographs, he has
discovered a rock formation on Mars that looks like Sen. Kennedy.
6 -- NASA announces that further analysis of satellite photographs reveals
that a rock formation shaped like Sen. Kennedy's pants has been found on
10 -- The president of Procter & Gamble, responding to years of
allegations that its corporate logo contained satanic symbolism, calls a
press conference to announce that he can rotate his head 360 degrees.
11 -- Millions flock to Hawaii to see the century's most spectacular
eclipse, only to discover that it has been purchased by Japanese
14 -- A scandal begins to burgeon in Washington when a sharp-eyed federal
investigator happens to walk into the Bank of Credit and Commerce
International to buy a money order and notices a sign that says "Ask About
Our Covert Sale of American Arms to Iran!"
15 -- The space program receives a much-needed boost when the shuttle
Atlantis blasts off, carrying indispensable White House Chief of Staff
John Sununu to a crucial golf appointment.
16 -- Huge crowds go to see Arnold Schwarzenegger in the summer's smash
movie hit, "Terminator Dances With Wolves," the heartwarming story of a
man who learns to appreciate Native American culture, then vaporizes it.
17 -- True Item: The U.S. Senate, emitting a ray of sunshine that briefly
pierces the growing public gloom over the economy, votes itself a $23,000
18 -- President Bush signs a historic treaty with Soviet Premier Mikhail
Gorbachev under which both superpowers will, for the first time, eliminate
some nuclear weapons.
19 -- The historic arms-reduction treaty hits a snag when it is learned
that all the Soviet nuclear weapons have been traded to Mexico for fresh
20 -- The world breathes a sigh of relief when the U.S. agrees to lend the
Soviets $27 billion to build new nuclear weapons, which will then be
destroyed in accordance with the historic treaty.
21 -- Emerging superpower Mexico announces that it wishes to have Texas
and California back.
28 -- True Item: A Canadian psychiatrist releases a report, based on
autopsies, stating that as men get older, their brains shrink a lot, while
women's brains don't. This is believed to be the first scientific
explanation of golf.
29 -- In Sarasota, Fla., Pee-wee Herman reaches puberty and is arrested.
1 -- The Christmas Shopping Season officially begins amid gloomy news
about the economy, with the only strong sector consisting of white- collar
workers exchanging Pee-wee Herman jokes via long-distance fax.
3 -- True Item: Officials at the Oak Ridge, Tenn., National Laboratory
issue a warning that radioactive leopard frogs are on the loose. The
frogs, about two inches long, grew up in a holding basin for waste water
from nuclear research. According to news reports they are "safe unless
8 -- Police officers in a Sarasota, Fla., movie theater arrest Mister
Rogers and charge him with two counts of manipulation of hand puppets.
10 -- World tension mounts when Iraqi soldiers refuse to allow a group of
U.N. inspectors to examine Saddam Hussein's fax machine, which he claims
12 -- Norman Schwarzkopf launches his new syndicated TV show, "The
People's Army," in which everyday people, under the general's guidance,
resolve real-life disputes via mortar fire.
15 -- The Supreme Court rules that John Sununu is so essential to the
government that he should be surgically attached to the president. "He'll
be like a giant wart," states Chief Justice William Rehnquist, "but less
19 -- U.S. intelligence experts, using analysis techniques originally
developed by President Bush's economic advisers, determine that there will
definitely not be a Soviet coup attempt.
20 -- The Soviet Union erupts in turmoil when a group of hard-line
Communist Party leaders announces that Mikhail Gorbachev has developed a
sudden case of Graves' disease and will be unable to run the country for a
21 -- In a televised press conference, the new Soviet leaders pledge that
they will continue Gorbachev's democratic reforms and kill anybody who
tries to stop them.
22 -- The Soviet coup collapses when thousands of Moscow citizens, in a
dramatic confrontation with Red Army tank units, realize that the tank
engines have all been traded to Italy for cheese.
23 -- In a sweeping post-coup reform move, Gorbachev abolishes the
Communist Party and fires thousands of entrenched, hard-line Kremlin
bureaucrats, all of whom are immediately hired by the Internal Revenue
25 -- In another dramatic post-coup development, the long-enslaved Soviet
republics of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania declare that, effective
immediately, they will legally be a suburb of Chicago.
28 -- Approximately 23 random Democrats announce that they are Fed Up With
Politics As Usual and would like to be president. In sports, some
teen-ager wins some tennis match.
SEPTEMBER 1 -- The trial of Manuel Noriega begins in Miami with
defense lawyers, in a surprise move, offering an alibi defense: They claim
to have witnesses who will prove that, during the time when Noriega was
allegedly the dictator of Panama, he was actually attending a movie in
Providence, R.I. As the courtroom buzzes with excitement, the judge grants
a prosecution motion for a recess until each side has had an opportunity
to run up an additional $350,000 in legal expenses.
2 -- Police officers in Sarasota, Fla., arrest Big Bird for alleged lewd
behavior at a movie theater showing "Hot Moist Teen-age Emus." Mario Cuomo
hints that he will run for president.
7 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee begins its hearings into the Supreme
Court nomination of Clarence Thomas, who, in his opening statement, notes
that, in addition to coming from Humble Origins, he has been paying his
dues as a federal judge for nearly 18 entire months and is ready for the
8 -- Tensions mount in the Middle East as Israel builds two new
settlements in downtown Damascus, Syria.
9 -- Mario Cuomo hints that he will NOT run for president.
10 -- After three grueling days of Judiciary Committee hearings, Chairman
Joseph Biden completes his first question. Sen. Strom Thurmond asks him to
11 -- NASA announces that it will go ahead with plans to build the
proposed U.S. space station, but, to reduce maintenance costs, will not
actually launch it.
12 -- Under intensive questioning by Judiciary Committee Democrats,
Clarence Thomas claims that at one time he did have an opinion, but his
dog ate it.
17 -- A California library releases photographs of the Dead Sea Scrolls,
which for years have been kept under wraps by a small group of scholars,
possibly because the opening lines are:
"There once was a gent from Gomorrah,
Who looked down and saw, to his horror ..."
20 -- As the U.S. economy continues to worsen, a grim-faced President Bush
flies to Germany to help mediate a marital dispute between a Mr. and Mrs.
25 -- The Grinch steals Dr. Seuss.
27 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee concludes Round One of the Clarence
Thomas hearings and votes unanimously to reconvene in October "for the
purpose of behaving like the most flagrant collection of dorks on the
28 -- In another foreign-policy triumph, President Bush announces that the
Horst Winklemans have resolved their dispute via a historic agreement
under which they will remain friends in return for $3.5 billion from
grateful U.S. taxpayers.
29 -- The Manuel Noriega defense team, changing tactics, claims that the
prosecution has mistaken the defendant for ANOTHER man named "Manuel
Noriega," who, in a freak coincidence, also happened to be the dictator of
a nation named "Panama" at the time the alleged crimes occurred. "Also,"
the defense notes, "both men had Graves' disease."
30 -- Haiti observes National No-Coup Day.
1 -- True Item: An audit shows that in one 12-month period, members of the
House of Representatives wrote 8,331 bad checks against the House's
2 -- Geraldo Rivera, in his new book, "Geraldo Rivera: The Story Of
Geraldo Rivera As Told To Geraldo Rivera By Geraldo Rivera," reveals that
he is an extremely attractive virile hunk of man who has had sex with
virtually every famous star in the entertainment industry, including
3 -- True Item: An audit shows that members of the House of
Representatives owe more than $300,000 in overdue meal tabs to the House's
private dining room.
4 -- The War on Crime scores a major victory when Congress passes a bill
mandating the death penalty for anybody who attempts to audit the House of
5 -- Benji, through a spokesperson, states that he never let Geraldo kiss
him on the lips.
6 -- Elizabeth Taylor, saving time, marries three new randomly selected
males simultaneously. The National Enquirer rents a B-2 "Stealth" bomber
to take aerial photographs of the heavily guarded ceremony, but, in a bad
omen for the Defense Department, the $350 million plane is easily brought
down by a German shepherd named Daisy.
9 -- Round two of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings begins
dramatically with law professor Anita Hill presenting testimony that
causes guys in offices all over America to suddenly shut up in midjoke. In
art news, a person named "Christo" erects giant umbrellas in California
10 -- In the ongoing nomination hearings, Clarence Thomas accuses the
Senate Judiciary Committee of being white men, a charge that appears
accurate in every case except that of Sen. Kennedy, who looks more like a
giant suit-wearing tomato. Several hundred witnesses testify that Anita
Hill probably had romantic fantasies about them, thus raising the question
of how she found time to get a law degree. In California and Japan,
hundreds of art-lovers are injured when Christo's umbrellas are struck by
giant 3,000-pound raindrops.
11 -- The Voraciously Rev. Jimmy Swaggart is once again arrested while
allegedly engaging in Gospel outreach activities. In the ongoing Thomas
nomination hearings, Mike Tyson testifies that on a number of occasions
Anita Hill had fantasies about him.
12 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee goes into its fourth day of hearings,
highlighted by Geraldo Rivera's testimony that both Anita Hill and Mike
Tyson had fantasies about him. Mario Cuomo hints that maybe he already IS
13 -- A clearly exhausted Sen. Orrin Hatch reveals that he has had
fantasies regarding Long Dong Silver.
14 -- Concluding its grueling task, the Senate Judiciary Committee votes
unanimously to sign a contract with the Fox Television Network for a
weekly TV series, "The Ongoing Thomas Nomination Hearings," which will be
a comedy starring the senators as themselves, and Flip Wilson as both
Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill.
18 -- The World Series gets under way, with the Atlanta Braves taking on
the Minnesota Twins, and President Bush's economic advisers predicting a
four-game sweep by the Toronto Blue Jays.
19 -- David Duke, having undergone successful cosmetic surgery to have
four of his original six legs removed, wins a slot in the Louisiana
gubernatorial runoff race with a campaign based on coded racial appeals,
similar to the Willie Horton ad, but more subtle.
22 -- True Item: A drowsy Key West, Fla., woman, reaching under her pillow
to grab her asthma spray, instead pulls the trigger of the .38- caliber
revolver, which she keeps there for protection, and shoots herself in the
24 -- "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry is beamed up. In the War on
Crime, the Florida State Legislature passes a law requiring a three- day
waiting period for the purchase of asthma spray.
25 -- A grim-faced President Bush, clearly angered by Saddam Hussein's
continued denial that he has received any notification that he lost the
Gulf war, threatens to turn the matter over to a collection agency.
1 -- Hopes soar for peace in the Middle East when Arab and Israeli
delegates arrive in Madrid, Spain, where for the first time ever, they sit
down face to face at a conference table. Hopes dim somewhat when, four
minutes into the historic session, the two sides exchange gunfire in a
dispute involving the prune Danish.
2 -- The historic Middle East peace talks conclude on a hopeful note, with
survivors on both sides agreeing to meet again in a location that has more
5 -- Concern grips the White House when Pennsylvania voters, in a Senate
race that is seen by many as a referendum on the Bush presidency, vote
overwhelmingly to secede from the union.
6 -- The body of much-larger-than-life media baron Robert Maxwell is found
at sea, resulting in a tasteless joke that will not be repeated here,
suggesting that his last word was "Roseglub."
7 -- Magic Johnson fast-breaks a lot of hearts.
10 -- Mario Cuomo hints that, in a past life, he was the queen of
12 -- President Bush, stopping briefly in the U.S. before leaving for
Romania to mediate an important dispute involving roosters, comes up with
a neat idea for getting the economy going again, namely, have the
credit-card companies lower their interest rates from 19 percent to around
14 percent, which would enable average Americans to buy a lot of nifty
stuff such as boats and houses in Kennebunkport.
13 -- The U.S. Senate, which normally can't complete the Pledge of
Allegiance in under three days, actually takes the President seriously and
immediately passes a bill that would force banks to lower credit- card
rates, thereby threatening to wipe out the last profit-making industry in
America. This stimulates the economy by causing the stock market to drop
18 million points.
14 -- President Bush has ANOTHER keen idea, which is that the credit- card
companies should NOT be forced to lower their rates.
16 -- Faced with a choice between David Duke and Edwin Edwards, Louisiana
voters, in a heartwarming demonstration of common sense and good
old-fashioned American decency, move to Ohio.
21 -- Michael Jackson returns briefly from the ninth dimension to release
a new video in which he introduces an exciting new dance step, "The
24 -- In what is seen by political observers as yet another indication of
White House indecision, President Bush signs the new civil-rights bill
into law, then vetoes it, then calls a press conference to angrily deny
that he has called a press conference.
30 -- Police in a Sarasota, Fla., movie theater arrest Tinkerbell on
charges of performing lewd acts with a wand. In politics, the name "Mario"
becomes a source of vast amusement for the White House brain trust,
especially spokesperson Marlin Fitzwater, who is apparently unaware that
his own name is "Marlin Fitzwater."
1 -- Sales of Old Milwaukee beer plummet when the public learns that the
Swedish Bikini Team, prior to group surgery, was the Norwegian ice hockey
2 -- In a development with serious implications for the U.S. educational
system, red-faced officials of the National Association of Mathematics
Teachers announce that they have done some checking, and it turns out that
eight times seven is actually 53.
3 -- In the most important American military triumph since the Gulf war, a
U.S. Army division, backed by an Air Force fighter squadron and elements
of the Navy's Seventh Fleet, is able, after hours of often- heavy
fighting, to remove John Sununu from the White House.
4 -- French astronomers report that a vast, hitherto-unknown galaxy at the
very edge of the universe has been purchased by Japanese investors.
5 -- Thousands of art lovers flee from California and Japan when Christo
erects a giant spittoon.
6 -- In a move that has troubling implications for the Mideast peace
process, Saddam Hussein hires John Sununu.
10 -- In an unprecedented procedure, a team of surgeons in Minneapolis
removes a fertilized egg from a woman's womb, places it in a special
container, flies it to Disney World, takes it on the Space Mountain ride,
and successfully returns it to the woman's womb. "We don't yet know the
PURPOSE of this procedure," states the lead surgeon, "but we're confident
that it will cost a LOT of money."
17 -- Winston B. Doorminder, a U.S. Treasury Department employee, is idly
punching some figures into his calculator and discovers that U.S.
taxpayers have put enough billions into the savings-and-loan "bailout"
program to give $1.2 million to every S&L depositor who ever lived. He is
18 -- A new scientific study shows that you, personally, whoever you are,
could stand to lose a few pounds.
22 -- A milestone in aviation history is reached when TWA passenger Elrood
M. Harboffer, after spending five hours in a bar at the St. Louis airport
waiting for a delayed flight, staggers into a gift shop and becomes the
first person in history to actually buy one of those novelty dancing Coke
cans. President Bush's economic advisers announce that this could be
exactly what the economy needs.
23 -- In a move that could jeopardize the Mideast peace process, Israel
establishes a permanent settlement on the moon.
24 -- An angry Elrood M. Harboffer returns his novelty Coke can after
claiming to have found a dancing pubic hair on it.
26 -- Mario Cuomo hints that he is a mutant named "Zomax" who has the
power to communicate with trees.
28 -- President Bush, in another foreign-policy triumph, is elected to the
31 -- As the year ends, a collection agency hired by the Gulf war allies
finally hand-delivers a defeat notification to Saddam Hussein.
Unfortunately, because of a mix-up, the envelope actually contains a
letter from the Publisher's Clearing House informing Hussein that he has
probably already won a million dollars. But other than that, and the
economy's being in the toilet, and the fact that the country would be
better off if all three branches of the federal government were replaced
by a tub of live bait, it hasn't been such a bad year, has it? Plus, how
can it possibly get worse? Never mind. Happy New Year.
(C) 1991 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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