AOH :: MIKE5.TXT|
"Mike's Madness" 5 of 18: Trip to Australia
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And now it's time for Mike's Madness #5
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(Mike's Trip to Australia as a Teacher)
"Okay class, this is a bottle opener. You use it to open Foster's
bottles. Just so happens I have a case and a half stashed away in the lab
fridge. Okay, who can tell me the Golden Rule of Poli-Sci? Thaz right,
Political Science is the last refuge for the bullshit artist. Okay, we'll
be picking up where I left off last week when I passed out. And that point
happens to be about a foot and a half from the men's loo. Hey, is that
janitor still pissed? Well, he's only a bloody Abbo anyway. Alrighty,
chapter 5, Drinking. Drinking is a very important part of Australian
Culture. The founding fathers were loaded when they got here and their
desOBcendants have been loaded ever since. Quick question: What do we do on
Australian Independence day apart from drinking? Thaz right -- nothing.
Bloody Foster's sales make up 10% of the GNP here! Okay, what's a good thing
for a hangover? Thaz right, Billy -- drinking heavily the night before.
Yup, and I pretty well made up that prerequirement last period. What's the
Australian national symbol? No, it is NOT an empty bottle of Foster's lying
besides a comatose Poli-Sci teacher. Pardon, Suzy? A dead Abbo under a
land train's wheels? Well, it's not, but it oghta be. Well, we'll forget
about that. Foreign languages! Okay class, how to we say hello in Italian?
Correct. Grab your crotch with your right hand and give three quick, firm
lifts while yelling 'HEY BUDDY! I got you hangin'!' Yes, Billy? No. No.
NO! 'Fuckin' Mooleys!' is NOT the Italian national saying. Could have fooled
me, tho. Okay, how do jews say 'Fuck you'? Correct, 'Trust me'. Can anyone
here tell me why the Melbourne symphony can't play anything besides 99
Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Guess I came up snake eyes on that one. What
do we call an Australian with a 6 pack? Correct Suzy, a lightwieght. How
do we greet American tourists? Give us your money and go the fuck home?
Close enough, Billy. How do we great Arabic tourists? We flip 'em the
bird! This is a GREAT class! Alright, here's our 'Are you an Australian'
1) Australians are rarely . . .
b) ill tempered
2) Most Australian children . . .
a) do better in school than their American counterparts
b) grow up in a land of beauty
c) are alcoholics before they can walk
3) Australians enjoy . . .
c) running over Abbos
4) Most Australiasn would like to work
a) in their own country
b) in any one of the Pacific Rim nations
c) in a brewery
5) On any given day, most Australians are . . .
a) hard at work improving their nation
b) enjoying the many scenic wonders of the outback
c) totally shitfaced before 8:30 in the morning
6) Most Australians love Abbos because . . .
a) of their huge body of creative myths
b) of their knowledge of nature and man's place in it
c) you can run them over without getting in trouble
7) When an Australian arrives for work . . .
a) he greets his co-workers with a friendly "G'day!"
b) knows his contribution will make Australia a better place for all
c) he has been constantly drunk since he got up that morning
8) A typical Australian saying is . . .
c) Oh god, I'm gonna be sick!
9) The banishment of alcohol from soccer games has resulted in . . .
a) a safer environment for all fans
b) less fights in the stands
c) a total boycott
10) If beer was banned from Australian soil . . .
a) Aussies would shurg their shoulders and get on with their work
b) the number of highway fatalities would decrease
c) World War III would seem like a formal debate
11) The fastest car in Australia is faster than a . . .
a) speeding fox
b) speeding bullet
c) speeding Abbo
12) Another name for drunks in Australia is . . .
13) Most Australians deeply fear the thought of . . .
a) nuclear war
b) ozone depletion
14) By 5 p.m., most Australians are . . .
a) done with work and ready for play
b) watching a wide variety of interesting TV programming
c) out cold
15) By 2020, the Australian outback will be . . .
a) settled by rugged settlers
b) a productive region of the Australian continent
c) 50 feet deep in empty beer bottles
16) Australians quit drinking when . . .
a) they're at work
b) they're driving
c) they're dead
17) If the Prime Minister was to give a speech drunk, it would be . . .
a) a great disgrace to the Australian people
b) an insult to the world community
c) nothing new
18) 1 second is . . .
a) how long it takes Australia to produce a ton of steel
b) the period between commercials on the BBC
c) the life expectancy of a Foster's in Australia
19) The Queen's birthday is . . .
a) honored by many of Australia's British nationals
b) carried live on the BBC
c) yet another excuse to drink
20) Austrlians visit Abbo communities for
a) a better understand of Abbo culture
b) a pleasant break from city life
c) target practice
21) Driving drunk in Australia is . . .
a) punishable for a 50,000 Pound fine
b) frowned upon by the government
c) the national sport
22) Australian wines should be . . .
a) served cold
b) kept in cool, dark places
c) avoided at all costs
23) A typical Australian meal is . . .
a) an interesting blend of British and local foods
b) reasonably priced at most restaurants
24) When an Australian comes home from a trip abroad . . .
a) he thanks God to be back in the most beautiful country in the world
b) he has to check all baggage through customs
c) he is wholly shitfaced 5 minutes after getting off the plane
25) The hallmark of a native Australian is . . .
a) the distinctive accent
b) his love of all nature
c) being able to drink 3 cases without taking a leak.
Welp class, score yourself. Tomorrow, we will examine the topic of
Australian Culture and will examine the popular Australian passtime of
getting drunk and obnoxious at cricket matches!"
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