AOH :: FMP.TXT|
Full Metal Pulpit
"Full Metal Pulpit" - a brief, agnostic spoof of "Full Metal Jacket"
(C) 1993 Poker Face -- A Three Card Monte production
Location: Parris Island Recruit Depot and Bible Camp
Cast of characters: Father Sergeant Hartman, Senior Drill Instructor.
Recruit brothers Cowboy, Joker, and Snowball
About 120 other uniformed marine corps bible camp
Hartman: Do any of you people know who Jim Jones was? None of you dumb
<Cowboy raises his hand.>
Hartman: Brother Cowboy.
Cowboy: Sir. He was that guy who got all those people to kill
themselves in Guyana, Sir.
Hartman: That's affirmative. Jim Jones ordered his entire cult of over
900 people to drink cyanide punch at his cult compund in
Guyana, South America. He also shot and killed several
reporters and a U.S. senator with machine gun fire from
distances up to 100 yards. Anybody know who Jim Bakker was?
<Everyone raises their hand.>
Hartman: Brother Snowball.
Snowball: Sir. He went to prison for fraud, Sir.
Hartman: That's right, and do you know how much money he bilked from his
Snowball: Sir. A lot sir. His wife Tammy had a bigger shoe closet
than Imelda Marcos, Sir!
Hartman: Allright, knock it off. Fifty million. He ripped off
fifty million dollars and did it all by television. Bakker
evaded taxes for over twenty years, and lived in opulence while
his followers sent him their last dime. Every single prayer he
received ended up in the dumpster, unread. Do any of you
people know where these individuals got their inspiration?
<Joker raises his hand>
Hartman: Brother Joker.
Joker: Sir. From the bible, Sir!
Hartman: From the bible. Outstanding. Those individuals showed what
one motivated christian and his bible can do. And before you
ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same
_______ _ _ ______
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