"Full Metal Pulpit" - a brief, agnostic spoof of "Full Metal Jacket"
(C) 1993 Poker Face -- A Three Card Monte production

Location: Parris Island Recruit Depot and Bible Camp

Cast of characters: Father Sergeant Hartman, Senior Drill Instructor.
                    Recruit brothers Cowboy, Joker, and Snowball
                    About 120 other uniformed marine corps bible camp
                       recruits.


Hartman: Do any of you people know who Jim Jones was?  None of you dumb
         asses knows.

<Cowboy raises his hand.>

Hartman: Brother Cowboy.

Cowboy: Sir.  He was that guy who got all those people to kill
        themselves in Guyana, Sir.

Hartman: That's affirmative.  Jim Jones ordered his entire cult of over
         900 people to drink cyanide punch at his cult compund in
         Guyana, South America.  He also shot and killed several
         reporters and a U.S. senator with machine gun fire from
         distances up to 100 yards.  Anybody know who Jim Bakker was?

<Everyone raises their hand.>

Hartman: Brother Snowball.

Snowball: Sir.  He went to prison for fraud, Sir.

Hartman: That's right, and do you know how much money he bilked from his
         followers?

Snowball:  Sir.  A lot sir.  His wife Tammy had a bigger shoe closet
           than Imelda Marcos, Sir!

<Platoon chuckles.>

Hartman: Allright, knock it off.  Fifty million.  He ripped off
         fifty million dollars and did it all by television. Bakker
         evaded taxes for over twenty years, and lived in opulence while
         his followers sent him their last dime.  Every single prayer he
         received ended up in the dumpster, unread.  Do any of you
         people know where these individuals got their inspiration?

<Joker raises his hand>

Hartman: Brother Joker.

Joker: Sir.  From the bible, Sir!

Hartman: From the bible.  Outstanding.  Those individuals showed what
         one motivated christian and his bible can do.  And before you
         ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same
         thing!

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