AOH :: DEEPTHTS.TXT|
And now Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy...
X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 625
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Running Man)
Subject: Deep Thoughts (reposting)
Date: 13 Apr 92 23:16:03 GMT
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
From: email@example.com (Robert Moore)
Subject: Deep Thoughts
Date: 17 Mar 92 03:42:20 EST
Organization: Tampa Bay Amiga Group
* DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably
be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that
your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might
call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with
it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I
reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the
enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
This is a reposting of Deep Thoughts. Robert Moore posted this a few
weeks ago and I had requests for it to be posted again. Share and enjoy!
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