The All-Nighter


1:00 am ..... Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am ..... Study partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 am ..... Get all necessary materials together.
2:35 am ..... Leave for the dorm's study room.
2:40 am ..... Run back to your room to get books.
2:45 am ..... Run back to study room to finally get started on term
              paper.
3:00 am ..... Decide to make a pot of coffee.
3:15 am ..... Realize coffee maker isn't plugged in; plug in coffee
              maker.
3:30 am ..... Realize coffee maker is broke.
3:45 am ..... Skim through books that should have been read 3 weeks
              ago.
4:15 am ..... Set up an outline for your paper.
4:30 am ..... Take study break to drink six-pack of beer and listen
              to Who's Next.
5:30 am ..... Set up typewriter to really get to work.
5:35 am ..... Run back to room to get typing paper.
5:40 am ..... Put paper in typewriter.
5:45 am ..... Run back to room to get ribbon.
5:50 am ..... Type title page and introductory paragraph.
6:00 am ..... Read introductory paragraph and realize it's bullshit.
6:01 am ..... Take study break to reorganize your thoughts.
6:02 am ..... Light up some 'killer' weed that you bought yesterday.
6:05 am ..... Have meaningful conversation with desk lamp.
6:20 am ..... Realize friend gave you some bad stuff.
6:30 am ..... Try to fly out of the window.
6:45 am ..... Study partners rush you to hospital.
7:00 am ..... Nurses and study partners manage to tie you down.
7:15 am ..... Study partners leave.
7:30 am ..... Have nice chat with Elvis' ghost.
9:30 am ..... Nurses finally believe that your mind is back on earth
              and release you.
10:00 am .... Arrive back at dorm study room.
10:15 am .... Study partners announce they have finished their work
              and head out to breakeast.
10:16 am .... Repress desire to throw study partners out of window.
10:30 am .... Begin to scratch down whatever you can in remaining hour.
11:20 am .... Look at your 2 typewritten pages and wonder how you can
              get 8 more pages written.
11:30 am .... Start typing quotations from books.
Noon    ..... Leave for 11:30 class with your 5 pages of garbage.
12:10 pm .... Arrive in class for last 10 minutes of lecture.
12:20 pm .... Approach professor to hand in paper.
12:21 pm .... Professor explains that paper was due at the beginning of
              class and refuses to accept it.
12:22 pm .... Storm out of class and run to nearest campus bar.
1:00 pm ..... Start drinking 7th beer.
1:01 pm ..... Realize that you're not going to other two classes today.
1:30 pm ..... Start drinking 10th beer.
2:30 pm ..... Start drinking 15th beer.
2:35 pm ..... Pass out in bar.
6:00 pm ..... Bartender notices that you've been quiet for a while.
6:01 pm ..... Bartender throws bucket of ice water over your head.
6:05 pm ..... Leave bar.
6:10 pm ..... Campus police spot you zig-zagging through busy
              intersection and offer you a ride.
6:15 pm ..... Rudely tell police what they can do with their ride.
8:00 pm ..... Finally arrive back at dorm.
8:01 pm ..... Enter room and realize that this is the night that
              your roommate is throwing big party.
8:15 pm ..... Guzzle fifth of whiskey.
8:30 pm ..... Fall into bed and begin hibernation.

                        Saturday
Noon    ..... Wake up, go to local greasy spoon restaurant, and drink
              a gallon of coffee.
2:00 pm ..... Arrive back at dorm room and swallow a dozen aspirin.
2:30 pm ..... Slowly tear up course books, notes, assignments, and
              remains of your paper and mail to professor with detailed
              instructions.