AOH :: TJOKES8.TXT|
jokes of the day
From: MX%"email@example.com" 15-JUL-1992 10:28:40.71
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Thomas Colthurst) rec.humor.funny
Subject: Candidate Combination
It's really too bad that Tsongas dropped out of the race. I had this
great plan where he could adopt Sununu as his running mate, and thus
capture both the vowel and the consonant votes.
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no.
It's letter perfect in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
-- Pennye Harper
Subject: The Pope's tumour
From: email@example.com rec.humor.funny
Apparently bits and pieces of John Paul are reproducing without
control, much to the detriment of the whole.
Is this divine justice or what?
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Robert J. Dilmore) rec.humor
Subject: Texas T
A gentleman from Texas had just arrived into London, having quite
a thirst he went out searching for a cold beer but had great difficulty
since it was around 4:00 and most of the pubs were closed. He finally came
to a Tea and Coffee house, thinking he could get a beer there he entered.
He asked a pretty young miss behind the bar, " I'd like a beer please".
The miss replyed "Oh no sir, we do not serve beer here. You see this is
a tea house and that is all we serve".
The Texan, although slightly perturbed replied, "Well I guess I'll have
some tea, what kind do you have?"
"Well we have the Kings tea which is 20% fragrance and 80% body, we have
the Jack's tea which is 80% fragrance and 20% body, and then we have the
Queen's tea which is preferred".
The Texan replied, "you know that's funny miss because we have three types
of tea in Texas too. We have F-a-r-t which is 80% fragrance and 20% body, we
have S-h-i-t which is 80% body and 20% fragrance, and we have C-u-n-t which
From: rob@spot.Colorado.EDU (Rob Cuthbertson) rec.humor
Subject: "car for sale" ad in local paper
Seen in the 8-July-92 Denver Post, 4wd section of the classified ads:
72 LandCruiser, strong eng, new tires,
6000 lb wench. $2500 obo
From: email@example.com (Eric Huppertz) rec.humor
[its from a movie, but I don't know which one, perhaps said by Dom Delouise]
Once upon a time there were two Chinamen. Now look how many!
From: BACS Data Communications Group <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: abortion/priest/baby rec.humor
A single woman went to the doctor for an abortion.
The Dr. said, "Can't do it; you're too far along. But I feel sorry
for you, so here's what we'll do: When it's time, go to the hospital
and have the baby. There is sure to be someone else in for a
gallbladder operation, and we'll give them the baby and tell them it
wasn't their gallbladder after all."
When the baby was born, the only gallbladder patient in the hospital
was an elderly priest. The Dr. thought, "What the hell, I'll try it
He presented the baby to the priest. The priest was overjoyed. "This
is a miracle!" he said, and happily accepted the baby.
Everybody lived happily ever after until 20 years later, when the
priest was on his deathbed. He called the kid in and said,
"My son, I must tell you something. I'm not really your father;
I'm your mother.... The bishop is your father."
From: email@example.com () in rec.humor
Q: What has six balls and screws you twice a week?
A: The California Lottery.
Subject: A new joke!
This man had not been feeling well for a long time - he had numbness in his
legs, nausea, and lots of cramping. He finally went to the doctor. The doctor
told him, (after many tests), that the problem was that he had too many hormones
in his body - that he really should be a female. The doctor also told him that
the only cure for this is castration.
The man went home to his wife to talk over the "cure". His wife told him
to go ahead with the castration because his health was more important and
besides, they had already had their kids.
One day, after the castration, the man was depressed. His wife told him
that when women get depressed, they go on shopping sprees. He thought that
sounded like a pretty good idea so he went to a local men's clothing store.
As soon as he went into the store, the manager sized him up.
Manager: "I believe you take a size large shirt."
Man: "That's right, how did you know?"
Manager: "Sir, after being in the clothing business for 25 years, I can
size up a person perfectly!"
Man: "Well, then Mr. Smartipants, what size pants do I wear?"
Manager: "Size 36, seam 28"
Man: "Right, well, what size shoe?"
Manager: "Size 10"
Man: "Wow, that's pretty good -- what size underwear to I wear?"
Manager: "Size 36"
Man: "Now, you're wrong there! I wear a size 32! -- have for years."
Manager: "That's not right. If you had been wearing 32's all these years
you would have numbness in your legs, nausea and cramping!"
[Thanks- I have enough guinea pigs now. -jk]
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