AOH :: NETWIT31.TXT|
NetWit Vol.2 #31
From: MX%"email@example.com" 18-AUG-1992 20:34:22.50
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 31
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
Submitted by: fortune
Author: Dave Barry
Subject: "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
[I pulled this from a 'fortune' read to me by my .logout....]
-- Gifts for Men --
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
Submitted by: Doug Dickey <AABNK1%ASUACAD.BITNET@OHSTVMA.ACS.OHIO-STATE.EDU>
Subject: Physical Laws.
For all you physicists--What happens when a body is immersed in warm
The phone rings.
Submitted by: Diane.Slagle@um.cc.umich.edu
What's the definition of "indefinitely?" When his balls are hitting
your buns, he's in - definitely!
Submitted by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Larry Emmett)
Subject: Kerpow! Kerpow! -- Take that!!!
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny (moderated):
Heard this one from my brother-in-law quite a while ago.
A young gunfighter that thinks he's mighty hot stuff walks into a bar full
of older, more experienced gunfighters. The young hotshot looks around and
picks out a fellow sitting alone at the bar. He walks up to the fellow,
and says "Hey old man, you want to see how fast I am??"
Before the older gunslinger has a chance to say a word, the young newcomer
draws both of his guns, shoots the cuff links off the piano player's shirt,
and re-holsters his pistols.
Now the old gunfighter looks at the kid and says "That wasn't too bad, but
let me give you a few pieces of advice that will make your life a little
easier in the future."
"The first thing you should do is file this firing pin way down" says the
gunslinger, "That way the gun will fire with just a hair-light touch on the
The kid had to agree that was pretty good advice, because you could
never tell when a fraction of a second would save your life.
"The second thing you should do" says the old gunslinger, "is to file the
front sight off your pistol so that it doesn't drag coming out of your
holster and slow you down on the draw."
Well, the kid thought this was pretty good advice as well. Anything for
a little bit of speed when he was drawing his gun.
"The last bit of advice I've got for you is , first chance you get, dip
both of those fancy pearl handled pistols into a bucket of lard and make
sure you get a nice thick coat on them."
Now the kid wasn't so sure about this one so he asks the old gunslinger:
"Why is that, will it make it easier to get my pistols out of their
"Well," says the old gunslinger, "it might do that, but the main reason
for it is that as soon as Doc Holiday finishes playing that song, he's
going to shove them up your ass."
Submitted by: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu (and a few others....)
Subject: Are you a real man?
Are you a real man? If you are, Men's Health magazine says,
you should have the following 25 things:
1. A set of good quality tools
2. A watch with hands
4. A car you love to drive
5. The Rand McNally Road Atlas
6. A week's worth of underwear with no holes in them
7. A pair of dress shoes that cost more than you
wanted to spend
8. A serious first-aid kit
9. Binoculars, the smaller the better
10. A well-maintained bike
11. A blender
12. A packable raincoat
13. A rugged two-suiter garment bag
14. The "Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook"
15. A genuine Swiss army knife
16. A non-embarrassing hat
17. A dark-blue suit
18. A fishing rod
19. An answering machine
20. A comfortable chair at work and at home
21. "Hoyle's Rules of Poker"
22. A pair of sunglasses they don't sell on TV
23. A universal remote control
24. At least one Frank Sinatra record
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