Basic,  Fortran,  Cobol...  These  programming languages are well
known and (more or  less)  well  loved  throughout  the  computer
industry.  There  are numerous other languages, however, that are
less well known yet still have ardent  devotees.  For  those  who
wish  to  know  more about these obscure languages - and why they
are obscure - I present the following catalogue.

SIMPLE:


SIMPLE is  an  acronym  for  Sheer  Idiot's  Mono-purpose
Programming  Linguistic  Environment. This language, developed at
the Hanover College for Technological Misfits,  was  designed  to
make  it  impossible  to write code with errors in it. The statements
are, therefore confined to BEGIN, END and STOP.  No  matter
how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.

Programs  written  in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve
the results of programs written in other  languages  without  the
tedious process of testing and debugging.



SLOBOL:


SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its
compiler.  Although  many  compilers  allow  you to take a coffee
break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you  to  take a
trip  to  Bolivia  to pick up the coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of  boredom  sitting  at  their  terminals
while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.



VALGOL:


(With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) -
From  its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando
valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity  across
the industry.

VALGOL  commands include  REALLY, LIKE, WELL and YKNOW. Variables
are  assigned  with  the   =LIKE  and  =TOTALLY  operators.  Other
operators  include  the "California Booleans", FERSURE and NOWAY.
Repetitions of code are handled in   FOR-SURE  loops.  Here  is  a
sample VALGOL PROGRAM:

14  LIKE, Y\$KNOW (I MEAN) START
   IF
PI  A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
01  B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
9C  =LIKE GRODY^MAX
4K  (FERSURE)*2
18  THEN
4I  FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
86  DO WAH + (DITTY*2)
9   BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
-17 SURE
1F  LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
?   REALLY
  LIKE TOTALLY (YKNOW)


VALGOL  is  characterized  by  its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes  a  syntax  error,  the  interpreter
displays the message, GAG ME WITH A SPOON.


LAIDBACK:


Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which
was  developed  at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai
Chi Mellowness, and Computer Programming, as  an  alternative  to
the  more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center
was ideal for programmers who liked to soak  in  hot  tubs  while
they  worked.  Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of
bean curd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as  a
gentle   and   nonthreatening  language.  For  example,  LAIDBACK
responded to syntax errors with the message,  SORRY MAN,  I  CAN'T
DEAL WITH THAT.



SARTRE:


Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are
no fun at parties.  The SARTRE language has two basic data types, the
EN-SOI and the POUR-SOI.  The EN-SOI is a completely filled heap,
whereas the POUR-SOI is a dynamic structure which never has the same
value.  The structures are accessed through the only operation
defined in SARTRE, NIHILATION, which usually results in a
?BAD FAITH at PC 02AC040 error.  Comparisons in SARTRE have a peculiar
form in that the IF statement can take no arguments and simply reads

IF;

Similarly, assignments can only be of the form
WHAT-IS := (NOT WHAT-IS);
since in SARTRE the POUR-SOI is only, and exactly, what it is not.
Although this sounds confusing, a background process, the NIHILATOR, is
constantly running, making any such statements (or any statements at
all, for that matter), completely meaningless.

Programs in SARTRE do not terminate, of course,
since there is No Exit.



FIFTH:


FIFTH is a precision mathematical language  in  which  the
data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE
SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITRE,
MAGNUM and BLOTTO}. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS,
CHARDONNAY,  CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect  the  sophistication
and  financial  status  of its users. Commands in the ELITE
dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while  commands  in  the  GUTTER
dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.



C-:


This language was named for the grade received by its creator
when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming
class.  C-  is  best  described as a "low-level" programming language.
In fact, the language generally requires  more  C-  statements
than  machine  code  statements to execute a given task. In
this respect it is very similar to COBOL.



LITHP:


This otherwise unremarkable language is  distinguished  by
the absence of an "S" in its character set, programmers and users
must  substitute  "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething
lithtth.



DOGO:


Developed at the  Massachuesettes  Institute  of  Obedience
Training,  DOGO hearlds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO
commands include SIT, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An  innovative  feature
of  DOGO  is  "puppy  graphics",  in which a small cocker spaniel
occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.


By John Unger Zussman
From Info World, Oct 4, 1982