JOKES  1990
+   ___________


    1.  What's the worst three words a woman wants to hear while she's making
        love?
         Honey, I'm home!


    2.  It was so cold in New York last week that several lawyers were caught
        with their hands in their own pockets!


    3.  What do gay termites eat?
         Woodpeckers.


    4.  If you went camping and woke up the next morning and found a rubber
        hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone???
         No?  (Would you like to go camping?)


    5.  How do you re-cycle a used rubber?
         Turn it inside out and shake the f___ out of it!


    6.  What two things in the air would get a woman pregnant?
         Her legs.


    7.  There are these three gays in a hot tub.  Suddenly a rubber comes
        floating up to the surface of the water.  One guy says to the other
        two, "ok, which one of you farted?"


    8.  Saw 3 new bumper stickers today:
        a.  "Don't Like My Driving?  Then Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT
        b.  "Don't Mind My Driving, I'm Having a Sexual Fantasy."
        c.  "Moody Bitch, looking for a Sensitive, Nice, Compassionate Man
             for a Love/Hate Relationship."


    9. - what do you call a girl with one leg?  Eileen.
       - what do you call the same girl in Japan?  Irene.
       - what do you call a guy with one leg who water skiis?  Skip.
       - what do you call a guy with no legs or arms who skiis?  Bob.


   10.  Do you know why they don't have a 911 Emergency Service phone
        number in Poland?
         Cause the Pollocks can't find the dial hole for the number 11.


   11.  What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
         A Cherry Float.


   12.  A straight, heterosexual guy has mirrors on the ceiling over his bed.
        What kind of mirrors does a gay guy have?
         Rear-view mirrors.
1



   13.  Do you know what "Rodeo sex" is?
         Rodeo sex is when you mount your woman from behind, doggie style.
         Then cup a breast with each hand and hump her a few times.  Hold
         on good, and moan and say, "my girlfriend loves to do it this way,
         too!!!"  See how long you can hold on!


   14.  Did you hear about the new sneakers for lesbians?
         They're called "Dykes."
        Do you know why they've been recalled?
         Their tongues weren't long enough.


   15.  What has 100 legs, but no pubic hairs??
         The front row at a "New Kids on the Block" concert.


   16.  What do 100 battered women have in common.
         They won't fuckin' listen!!!


   17.  Why are Arab camels called "the ships of the desert?"
         Because they're full of Arabian semen.


   18.  In Saudi Arabia, why don't they have Drivers Ed and Sex Education
        on the same day?
         Because it's too hard on the camel.


   19.  Did you hear about the moron who won the million dollar lottery?
         Yea, he won $1 a year for a million years.


   20.  Do you know what Smurfs do at night?
         They Smuck.


   21.  What do you call a Smurf with his pants down?
         Blue Moon.


   22.  How do you tell the difference between male and female chromosomes?
         You pull their genes down.

1



    SHORT STORIES
+   _____________


    1.  There was this yellow frog in the forest.  He didn't like being yellow
        so he asked the Good Fairy to change him to be green.  The Good Fairy
        zapped him and sure enough, he turned green - except for his pecker
        which remained yellow.  The frog was most upset by this and the Good
        Fairy tried, but couldn't do anything for him.  She told the frog to
        go to see the Great Wizard, so off he went.  Later in the day, a pink
        elephant was passing by, saw the Good Fairy and asked her if she could
        change him into a regular gray elephant.  Zapped!  He was changed to
        gray - except for his pecker which was still pink.  The elephant was
        upset by this and asked the Good Fairy what to do.  "You'll have to
        go see the Great Wizard," she said.  The elephant asked how to get
        there.  The Good Fairy said, "just follow the yellow dick toad."


    2.  A woman asked her husband to clean and wax the kitchen floor for her.
        He said, "who do I look like, Mr. Clean?"
        The next day she asked him if he would fix her vacuum cleaner.
        He said, "who do I look like, Mr. Hoover?"
        The next day he came home to see a clean, waxed kitchen floor, and his
        wife vacuuming the living room carpet.  He said, "I see you waxed the
        floor and fixed the vacuum cleaner."  She said, "no, the milkman did.
        "I told him if he did these things that I'd either have sex with him
        or bake him a cake."
        The Husband, puzzled, asked, "so, what happened?"
        And the wife said, "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker???!"


    3.  A Pollock, a Nigger, and an Indian were going to be executed.  They
        had their choice: firing squad, hanging, or a fatal Aids injection.
        The Indian chose first and said, "I'll go by hanging."  And so he was
        hung.  The Nigger was next and chose death by a firing squad. The
        Pollock said, "have take death by an Aids injection."  So he was
        injected.
             Going back to his cell, the Pollock was just laughing his head
        off!  His buddies asked him why this was so funny.
             He said, "I showed them!!!  I was wearing a rubber!!!"


    4.  Three men go up to heaven.  St. Peter greeted them and said to the
        first man, "you've not been too good of a person, so I'm just going
        to give you a VW to drive around in, up here in heaven."  To the
        second man he said, "you've been better, but not a Saint.  I'm
        going to give you a Monte Carlo."  And to the third man he said,
        "you have been a Saint, so I'm going to reward you by giving you
        a Corvette!"  The man was most appreciative and thanked St. Peter.
             A little later, the first two men passed the third man who was
        standing at the side of the road crying.  The men asked him what was
        wrong.  The man said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."


    5.  A nun is in a bathtub in the bathroom.  There's a knock on the door.
        She says, "who is it?"  A voice on the other side of the door says,
        "it's the blind man."  The nun said, "well, I'm in the bathtub at the
        moment ... but if you're blind, I guess it doesn't matter.  Come on
        in."  So the man walked in, took a look, said, "nice tits lady, where
        do you want these blinds??"