AOH :: APPLES.TXT|
What's wrong with Apple computers
While trashing at Apple Computer Inc, among other things,
we found a computer marked BROKEN with the following letter
attached to it which described certain problems a user had
------------------------<: Letter reads :>-----------------------
Enclosed is one defective Apple //e Computer which I returned
because of the following defects:
1. The apple on the left side of the spacebar was not filled in.
(looks like the person forgot to paint it.)
2. The TAB key never seems to produce the desired soft-drink.
(I specifically ordered the COKE key!)
3. The ESC key never once helped me escape in any game I have
played. (in fact, when playing Captain Goodnight, it caused
my computer to hang, also I didn't know what ESC stood for
until I found it in my manual.)
4. I assumed the CONTROL key, when pressed would switch control
between joystick and keyboard, but no such luck.
5. The DELETE key refuses to delete the desired file on my disk.
(The manual neglected to mention this feature. It seems as
though a feature like this deserves more attention than is
given to it by your company.)
6. Three of the keys on my computer have annoying pimples.
(I tried using Clearasil to remove them, but to no avail, I
was forced to use sandpaper.)
7. The four arrow keys refuse to print the desired arrow.
I have tried repeatedly using the CONTROL & SHIFT key along
with the arsow key, but get no results except a strange
movement of the cursor position.
8. The RESET key, located in an awkward position doesn't seem to
have any effect on my computer when pressed.
(I also noticed that this key has been reduced in size
compared to the //+ series, no doubt to save cost.)
9. The Apple logo, which appears most frequently is technically
incorrect. I think the painter had his paints mixed when
adding this logo. Personally, I have never seen a multi-
10. I think I have discovered a new key on the lower-left side
of the keyboard. This mystery key serves no known function
whatsoever and is not mentioned in the manual. I assumed
this was a miniature monitor, because of the green light it
emitted, however, I was unable to read anything displayed on
(with the aid of a friend, I found a use for this key, by
removing the plastic cover, it becomes a lamp. In your
next revision, please increase the wattage to this lamp.)
11. Also, I found some problems with my apple monitor. The dials
are missing and there is no volume control. Please send me
a working monitor.
12. I also noticed that you shipped me two disk drives labelled
'DISK //'. I am thereby, returning one of the above
mentioned disk drives for the proper 'DISK 1'.
13. I feel my keyboard has been damaged before shipment.
The keys have a noticable dent in the middle.
(Looks to me like an angry employee.)
14. I also noticed a key is missing! The 'Z' key cannot
be found anywhere on the computer at all.
15. Please disregard the above mentioned problem, I have
managed to find the assumed lost 'Z' key.
16. Your ignorance in designing the back of my computer caused
much damage to many of my peripheral cards. The slots
behind the computer were much too small, and it took much
strength to force my peripheral cards through them.
(in fact, when installing my printer card, it took the help
of my 3 sons and a wooden mallet.)
17. Also, I don't know where your engineers went to school, but
where I am from, the alphabet does not resemble your key-
board in any way.
18. I also suspect a problem with your key-manufacturing machine.
The keys are not identical in size, in fact, there is a huge
key, as you will notice, which has no label at all, and I
have no idea of its use. Also the lettering on the keys
is not centered. On my computer the lettering appears on
the upper-left side, not in the center, like it should be.
19. Only because of my extensive educational background
(graduated from the 8th grade and 1 month typing class)
was I able to figure out the use of the SHIFT key. I
suspected it had something to do with the different types of
letters which appeared when I held down the shift key.
20. In regards to the above problem, I noticed the CAPS LOCK key
(which tends to stick) will cause the SHIFT key to
malfunction. It works with all other keys, except the
21. Where did you people learn to count? Since when does '0' come
after '9' ?! You seem to be confused between 0 and 10. Unless
you forgot the '1' before the '0'.
22. In regards to counting, your company boasts about there new
computer having 64K, however, I was only able to find a
single letter 'K' on the keyboard. (If this isn't false
advertising, then I don't know what is!)
I later found out through many hours of pondering on this
question, that the 'K' stood for KEYS. (there are 64 of them
on this computer!)
23. I found your manuals to be very inappropriate, besides being
overly technical and hard to understand, the cover art
clashed with the decore of my computer room.
24. After inserting my extended 80-column card, I was unable to
extend the text page beyond 80 columns, therefore, the 80
column card is also inoperable.
25. I am upset about your company's morbid sense of humor and bad
taste. I am referring to the hidden message which appears
when the RESET key is hit along with the solid apple and the
CONTROL key, 'KERNAL OK'. I find no humor in this comment
about Colonel Sanders, everyone knows he has been dead for
several years now.
As you can see, I have found many problems with your computer,
and am very upset with your company. I demand a working computer
and compensation for my troubles. I feel your customer support
is insufficient and was very rude to me when I called and
explained in detail the above mentioned problems. Your technical
support person seemed to have problems with his telephone, I kept
getting cut-off. After calling back 6 times I decided to send
this letter. Please give it your utmost attention and help to
remedy this situation at once.
------------------------<: End of letter :>----------------------
After reading this letter, we decided to investigate these
matters. We called an Apple representative and they refused to
comment on any questions regarding this letter. After finally
giving up with Apple Computer Inc, we decided to turn to the
media. We then gave 60 Minutes a ring, and informed them of our
findings, they seemed very interested, and we mailed them a
photo-copy of the letter. They are currently investigating this
scandal and we should expect to see it on the air in a few weeks.
We are working as consultants to 60 minutes and will inform you
`bout any further findings. In the meantime, maybe you should
reconsider purchasing another Apple Computer due to the defects
and design flaws mentioned above.
The Draco Tavern...........10 megs...................707/745-5805
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The Realm of Chaos.........Proving Grounds...........415-797-0121
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