*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> You

<steps echoing out of the darkness>

Hello?!...  Anybody out there?...

<looking into the darkness>

There!  I think there's somebody in the shadows over there.

Well, since I'm not totally alone here, I'll speak.  Wouldn't want to give the impression that we talk to ourself.  Um, that _I_ talk to _my_self.

So, what did I want to talk about?  Mind simply is useless these days.

Ah!... Now I remember!

Since there seem to be a lot of new faces here abouts, I thought I'd bring up the question of shyness and what it is.

About a year ago, a shade less perhaps, I was involved with very intensive therapy program at a local hospital.  Some of you may remember me mentioning it last fall.  I was in truth partially hospitalized.  At the hospital all day, go home at night.

Anyroad, while I was a patient, I found myself working as a leader in that small community.  Running community sessions, serving as an intermediary between patients and staff, things of the like.  I did fairly well according to my fellow patients.

The one thing that people there never seemed to be able to believe is my extreme shyness.  _They_ thought I was confident, competent, capable etc.  I knew at the time that I was presenting another face of my person.  I _can_ be all of those, and it isn't always an act. Now that I think on it, I wonder if it ever was an act.  When I do it, I'm not thinking about it, I do what needs done.

My current employment involves a fair bit of contact with people, most of my day is on that hated device, the telephone.  Or I'm venturing into stranger's offices to fix computer proplems.  Things that being shy does not help.  I do it, and I do it well.

People doubting my shyness isn't new.  I'm not shy in all things. What had (has) me puzzled is what my contact on staff said when I was discharged.

He claimed that I am not shy.  He would not elaborate on what he thought I was. Instead, I must find out for myself.  For the last eight nine months I've pondered that question, if I'm not shy what am I?

If I'm not shy, what is shyness? Is shyness all encompassing?  Is it limited to specific areas of personality or contact?  Can a person be more shy on an individual basis than on a group?

Two other questions that I need help with.  My counselor, after telling I wasn't shy, told me that I need to find my ground and centre.  I have an idea what he meant, but none how to find it for myself.  Any ideas where and how?
 Also, anybody got any reliable methods to avoid those nasty headaches I get when I'm at some sort of social function?

So folks, time to voice your opinions.

And would somebody turn up the lights a little?  Having the place a little dim may make it more comfortable, but it's darn hard to find ones way around!

Hugs!

stef




*********** From -> Rich
*********** To   -> Stephen


>>Hello?!...  Anybody out there?...

<looking into the darkness>

There!  I think there's somebody in the shadows over there.<<

Yes, it *has* been rather quiet around here lately - but what else would you expect in a section dedicated to shyness?!?

>>The one thing that people there never seemed to be able to believe is my extreme shyness.  _They_ thought I was confident, competent, capable etc.<<

First big question:  Do you think you had an emotional stake in performing that leaders role, or was it just something that didn't mean much?

I find that my shyness impacts me most in situations where I feel uncertain, where I'm worried about messing things up, or where someone else's approval of me (esp. when it's someone important to me) is at stake.

So, if your leader role was something that you were sure you could do, it could easily have allayed your concerns and, as a result, your shyness in that situation.

>>Also, anybody got any reliable methods to avoid those nasty headaches I get when I'm at some sort of social function?<<

Well, besides taking a pain-reliever *before* the function, the only other reliable method is to relax about it - you build up stress worrying about the situation, and that turns into pain.  Defeat the worry, and you defeat the stress and the pain.  I know it sounds easier than it is, but I think it's the only real way to deal with it.

Rich

See ya! (8->)


*********** From -> Charles
*********** To   -> Stephen


Stef,

Shyness can definitely be specific. Shy speaking in public, shy in romantic/sexual situations, shy in parties, shy in meeting new people, shy in ...

A "ground and center" usually means a place where you can find comfort in being just who you are.  You're not concerned about what other people think or say or do -- you just are.  That doesn't mean one is "supposed to be" happy being obnoxious or rude or violent <smile>.  It's about feeling good where (not geographically speaking <smile>) you are at.

It sounds as if you are under stress at social functions.  Try some relaxation exercises.  Breathing exercises are good.  Don't feel you absolutely have to be in the midst of everything all the time.  If you feel cooped up, take a walk outside for a bit and then come back in.

Take care and hugs,

Charles S.


*********** From -> annie
*********** To   -> Stephen


Stef,

<<Now that I think on it, I wonder if it ever was an act.  When I do it, I'm not thinking about it, I do what needs done.>>

If you're not aware that you're doing it, I don't think it's an act.

<<He claimed that I am not shy... Instead, I must find out for myself. For the last eight nine months I've pondered that question, if I'm not shy what am I?>>

Insecure, perhaps? Nervous? Self-conscious? How important is it to you to affix an exact label on your feelings? Granted, it may help you to describe the way you feel to others, but does it really affect how you deal with them?

<<If I'm not shy, what is shyness? Is shyness all encompassing?  Is it limited to specific areas of personality or contact?  Can a person be more shy on an individual basis than on a group?>>

I don't know either, but I can tell you that, IME, I'm shy in some, but not all, circumstances. I am very outgoing at times, and I think that difference has something to do with my comfort-level, which is affected by a variety of factors.

<<My counselor, after telling I wasn't shy, told me that I need to find my ground and centre.>>

Sounds like cal-speak to me. <g,r,d>

<<Also, anybody got any reliable methods to avoid those nasty headaches I get when I'm at some sort of social function?>>

You might try taking an aspirin or Tylenol *before* going to the social function.

annie



  


*********** From -> Bill
*********** To   -> Stephen


I suspect that shyness is different things to different people. I have thought about it a lot myself.  I think a lack of courage figures strongly.  I tend to analysize things 4 moves ahead. If my mind developes the possibility of an embarassing situation I avoid it.  I can meet a woman on here for lunch or dinner and enjoy myself.  If I thought there was any possibility of sex I would probably be very nervous and might not enjoy myself.



*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Rich

Rich,

<<First big question:  Do you think you had an emotional stake in performing that leaders role, or was it just something that didn't mean much?>>

I did it because the job needed done. I never have _wanted_ to be the center of attention.  Mind you I did think that the position might be "good for me." But at the point I took it, nobody else seemed willing.

<<So, if your leader role was something that you were sure you could do, it could easily have allayed your concerns and, as a result, your shyness in that situation.>>

I never was sure I could do it.  Well, maybe I knew it intellectually, but not from an emotional view.

Actually, I'd prefer to avoid those social things.  But since I can't...  The wierd thing about it is that the ones where I get the worst headaches seldom are preceeded by any kind of dread. Irritation that I have to waste a good afternoon at some useless social function, yes.  The ones you'd think would cause the most trouble (meeting a female "associate" one on one) generally don't. Maybe it's groups of five or more?  Not the event, but the number of people.

Hugs!

stef




*********** From -> Rich
*********** To   -> Stephen

>>The ones you'd think would cause the most trouble (meeting a female "associate" one on one) generally don't.<<

Doesn't sound like my pattern at all...

Rich

See ya! (8->)


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Rich


Rich

<<>>The ones you'd think would cause the most trouble (meeting a female "associate" one on one) generally don't.<<

Doesn't sound like my pattern at all...>>

I don't get the headaches, instead I get stomach cramps like you wouldn't believe.  That's how I know I'm _really_ nervous.

hugs!

stef




*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Charles


Charles

<<A "ground and center" usually means a place where you can find comfort in being just who you are.  You're not concerned about what other people think or say or do -- you just are.  That doesn't mean one is "supposed to be" happy being obnoxious or rude or violent <smile>.  It's about feeling good where (not geographically speaking <smile>) you are at.>>

That's basically what I had in mind.  I haven't found it though.

hugs!

stef


*********** From -> Steven
*********** To   -> Stephen

>>What is shyness? Is shyness all encompassing? Is it limited to specific areas or personality or contact?<<
 I think that a lot of people will tell you, no, stephen, shyness isn't all of you. Some parts of you are very outgoing!,  but I dont' believe that. You are shy- ti is part of you, as much as who you are as your values and beliefs. The catch is, it isn't uniform. Some parts of you are less covered by the ocean of shyness than others- and that's where you can break free easily. That's why you did so well at the hospital- you were able to break free easily, and it came out naturally. 
 I'm extremely shy too- the only social evetns I go to are school and relatives' brithday parties, and all my family and relatives are gregarious. Some say I'm not shy, just a bit nervous. They're wrong, of course, but I dont' tell them that. I just hang back, watch, and learn. Let them think what they want, as long as I am who I am, it doesn't matter.

>>Can a person be more shy on an individual basis than in a group?<<
 Absolutely. In a group, you can pretend to talk to anohter person if you want to get away- but when you're alone, There's no where to go. I've had pletny of those, and I'm only 16. The only thing you can do is, prep up your barricades, ready yourself for a tough, rough ride- but keep your eyes open, if it looks it's not dangerous, but everythign you wanted.

>>Any ideas where adn how?<<
 That's personal. Your center is where YOU are, the focal point of everything that makes you you. To find it, find out who Stephen M. is. Then find out how to live as Stephen M. You'll get by.

>>Any reliable methods to avoid those nasty headaches I get when I'm at some sort of social function?<<
1. Build up a tolerance.
2. Taek Advil- the pain will go away, and ti won't be replaced by one i your stomach. (Now a pain in the rear is something you have to do on your own. <G>)
3. Why go at all?

Oh, by the way, bills are up around here, so untill our electricity bill goes down, all lights are off. Sorry. Wasnt' the brightest idea we had.

Sarek


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Steven

<<Oh, by the way, bills are up around here, so untill our electricity bill goes down, all lights are off. Sorry. Wasnt' the brightest idea we had.>>

ROFL!




*********** From -> Steven
*********** To   -> Stephen

THANK YOU!!!! And for my next trick,as you read this message, I shall make this screen do:

 ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! (sit, stay! good monitor!)

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Sarek


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Steven

<<THANK YOU!!!! And for my next trick,as you read this message, I shall make this screen do:

        ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! (sit, stay! good monitor!)>>

<assuming fake Germanic accent>

Very interesting.  How does this make you feel, to train a monitor to obedience?

stef


*********** From -> Steven
*********** To   -> Stephen

Are you kidding? Do you know how much it cost me to get one of htose lizards, let along train them? 

Sarek


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Steven


>>Are you kidding? Do you know how much it cost me to get one of htose lizards, let along train them?<<

So now these monitors, they are now lizards?  Interesting...

Or perhaps your monitor _is_ a lizard?  Truely this is fascinating!

When you look at your monitor, what do you see?

stef


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Steven

BTW, welcome to Shyness Workshop.

Where shy people come to hang out in shadows and pretend to do the talking!

Where not so shy people wonder why the lights are all dimmed.

*And* where you can meet some really spectacular people when they decide to talk.

What brings you here, what can you tell us?  Inquiring minds want to know!

Hugs!

Stef


*********** From -> Steven
*********** To   -> Stephen


>>Where not so shy people wonder why the lights are dimmed.<<
 Easy, teh electic company's making tea.

Anyways, why do you want to know abotu me? Believe me, you're better off not knowing. Besides, I'm already going through a decsion crisis here.

Sarek


*********** From -> Marj
*********** To   -> Stephen

Hi Stephen,

Some good questions...

>>He claimed that I am not shy.  He would not elaborate on what he thought I was. Instead, I must find out for myself.  For the last eight nine months I've pondered that question, if I'm not shy what am I?

If I'm not shy, what is shyness? Is shyness all encompassing?  Is it limited to specific areas of personality or contact?  Can a person be more shy on an individual basis than on a group?<<

I think you may belong to the same 'club' I do, that of the "shy extrovert."  I suggest you read an excellent book, "Shyness: What It Is. What to Do About It." by Philip G. Zimbardo; Berkley Publishing Group, New York, 1977.  Dr. Zimbardo, associated with Stanford University, conducted 4 yrs of psychological research into shyness.  If you see youself in the pages of this book, especially passages dealing with the 'shy extrovert,' I'd say you probably are.  A brief passage from the book that might interest you follows:

"Shy extroverts typically surprise their friends or the public when they come out of the closet to declare, 'I'm shy.' 'No, not you! I mean you're so successful. You perform in public. You've got friends. You tell jokes, sing, dance, go on dates.' Privately shy performers often escape detection. They keep their anxiety to themselves, concealing it by well-learned social skills, sometimes drowning it with alcohol, or by avoiding situations where they are not in control..."

I can empathise with how invalidated you must feel, receiving such an 'expert' pronouncement that you are not shy. I BELIEVE YOU when you say you are shy. Your counselor may be ignorant or ill-informed regarding shyness.  Keep up your search for answers until you know in your heart you've found the truth.  Good Luck!

--Marj


*********** From -> Stephen
*********** To   -> Marj


Marj

Thanks for the book suggestion.

I do have some extroverted tendencies, but I am not a total extrovert.

hugs!

stef