*********** From -> KarlR.
*********** To   -> Dan

Hi Dan,

 I hesitated to to answer this message, since my relationship has just broken up (although after 6 years, most of it happy, I can't really complain).

 I too was very shy at school.  I used to be the odd one out and people would tease me for it.  By the time I reached puberty, girls had changed into a totally alien race!<g>

 Around your age I started to panic too.  I was 24 before I first had sex, and was really panicking by then!  I know of people who were 28 when it happened: the key thing is that is doesn't matter.  You *will* meet someone eventually if you want to.

 What worked for me was that I had a friend of about the same age, who met a girl who was a penpal of his (a Kate Bush fan club penpal I think).  As his relationship developed they started trying to fix me up, and eventually one of her friends (who I had met on outings with them) left her husband and it developed from there.

 That was my way of getting it to happen: agreeing to blind dates!

 Having said that, and despite the fact that I feel very insecure right now, I also wouldn't hesitate to join a dating agency.  I know a lot of people misuse them, but it's worth the risk!

 In this day and age it seems almost impossible to meet people by chance...you will probably have to make a move.  It doesn't necessarily mean directly approaching a girl though.

 Good Luck,





KarlR 18-Aug-1994 18:14:03


*********** From -> Mo'
*********** To   -> KarlR.

>> I also wouldn't hesitate to join a dating agency.  I know a lot of people misuse them, but it's worth the risk! <<

Karl,

 I found the following news item and based upon your statement above, I thought I would share it here.

 TOKYO, - A Japanese man's romantic rendezvous turned sour when his date and her accomplice attacked him with a stun gun before stripping and robbing him, Kyodo news agency reported on Thursday. 
     
 The 38-year-old man told police he met the woman through a telephone dating service. She lured him to a hotel in Tokyo's fashionable Shibuya district on Wednesday after they had dinner. 
     
 When they arrived at the hotel, another woman was waiting for them and the three checked in together. 
     
 As soon as they entered their room, the women struck him from behind with a truncheon, zapped him with a stun gun, stripped him naked and tied him up. 
     
 The women took nude photographs of him and threatened to make them public if he told police, he said. 
     
 The women then fled with his wallet containing 22,000 yen ($220) in cash, the agency said. 

Bare Hugs,

Mo'
  


*********** From -> Mary
*********** To   -> Mo'


Mo,

seems like a lot of work for just a take of $220!  Well, I guess they got dinner out of it, too...  

Mary


*********** From -> Richard
*********** To   -> Mo'


I would think, the nightmare stories of dates from personal ads and  datting services are really rare. The vast majority of people I believe never have any of the nightmare episodes. Teh news media tends to hype the bad and the unusual. Trust me on this I work in the news buisness.
-Rich



*********** From -> Adrian
*********** To   -> Dan


Hi Dan,

I found myself saying 'ditto ditto ditto' to much of what you said in your message. School days are supposed to set you up to cope with life, it's really sad when they have the opposite effect isn't it?

You seem to have done a remarkable job on your own getting to the stage where you feel confident enough to go out and face the world and the people in it - so congratulations on that. It says a whole lot for your strength of character.

As far as meeting (and getting intimate with) girls is concerned the only advice I can give based upon my own experience is get to meet as many as you can in a social environment. Don't worry if this is in mixed company as that can sometimes take some of the pressure off. For me this meant joining clubs, societies etc which had a social element to them - it was in one of these clubs for 18 - 30 year olds that I met my wife of eight years. Funny thing was, she claimed she had been trying to 'pick me up' for several weeks before I cottoned on. It wasn't that I wouldn't have been receptive - I just didn't notice the signs! <g> Now *that's* naieve! I just couldn't believe that anyone would want to 'chat me up!' such was my low state of self esteem.

It's easier to say than to do, but get out, have fun and most of all just keep talking to people. The more you do it, the easier it gets!

Best 

Adrian
   


*********** From -> Mo'
*********** To   -> Dan


>> But now I find myself with another problem: How to get acquainted.  I don't know how to go up to a girl and say anything that won't make it pathetically obvious what I want.  I guess what I really need are some tips on how to get acquainted with a girl.  What, do I just go up to her and say "Hi, I'm Dan"? Then what?  It seems to me there should be a less awkward way.  I don't want pick-up lines, but some tips on meeting girls would be really appreciated.  I really want to find somebody, but I don't know how to go about doing it.
<<

Dan,

 The trick is to make it transparant as to what you are really interested in. At times that requires some prior planning and a scoping out of possibilities. The hardest part is is getting started, getting them to talk to your at all. This is where you have to make it look accidental at times.  Remember years ago when the Susan B. Anthony silver dollars came out.  I would go to the bank and get a couple rolls every couple weeks.  I enjoyed going to the store and when they would say, "That's $1.37", I would hand them two of the dollar coins.  The problem most people had with the coins was that they looked like quarters.  In every case the clerk would stand there with her hand out waiting for more money. When I finally would ask what they were waiting on, they would say I had only given them 50 cents.  I had to then explain that it was $2 and not $0.50.  In every single case, I always waited till they weren't busy to do this, they would then start a conversation with me that would last for several minutes.  Now, I never took advantage of any of these contacts since I was already married at the time but I have related it from time to time to people about one way to meet other people.

 Another place I have found to strike up relationships is in restaurants with the waitresses.  Again, if they aren't busy many of them are happy to stay and talk to you about all kinds of things.  The idea is to be interested in them. Don't ask probing questions, but be open to listening to them and allowing them to guide the conversation.  A couple years ago I was out in Seattle and there was the most beautiful woman as the waitress at the hotel.  The first night I ate there they were very unbusy so she spent the majority of the time I was there next to my table chatting with me.  I of course left her a very nice tip. The rest of my stay there she always noticed when I came into the restaurant and would come over to chat a bit, even if I wasn't sitting at a table she was assigned to.  

 The idea is to not limit yourself to any particular locations.  Make every place a possible target-rich environment and be aware of possibilities.  

>> I feel like I'm missing out, and that irreparable damage is being done to my life. <<

 ROFL!!  Ah, the innocence of youth!

 I'm sure that you don't see your statement as funny, but for this 43 year old, it was very funny.  I don't think you should consider yourself damaged goods in any case.

>> Granted, I am not the kind of guy that sleeps around, but I want to be sexually active with more than a very few people before I have to settle down. <<

 Would you be terribly disappointed to not have a wide variety of partners? Exclusivity is not all that bad.  I have always been a one woman man.  I married the first person I ever dated and we will celebrate 22 years of wedded bliss in December.  Both of us have never been intimate with anybody else. I realize there is this macho image that many guys have that they want a lot of experience before finding that one woman to settle down with, but if you get used to a diet with a lot of variety, do you think you could ever be satisfied with no variety thereafter?  Besides, there is a lot more to variety than just a different person to do the same things with.  

Bare Hugs,

Mo'
  


*********** From -> Darren
*********** To   -> Dan


<<Hi, I'm Dan>>

 According to the book of lists, "Hi" is the #1 pick up line.

 You can non-commitally put the onus of response on her by saying "Hi, I'm Dan. Your turn." 


*********** From -> Richard
*********** To   -> Dan


Dan,
You're story is rather familiar to me. I've gone through the same "social crisis" you describe. In a way I am still going through. I think I might be able to help.

First, get the idea that this is a giant crisis. You won't turn inot a orge at 25 if you are still a virgin. Our culture puts the idea that ending your virginity is an important goal. Thats hogwash. The physical act will come as it comes. attitude is an important step. Once you have a good attitude about your life it will be easier to bring others into that life.

You said you had a fear of rejection. The only way to realy defeat that fear is to face it. That is to say that you have to try asking women out and get rejected a few times. You'll find it gets easier to deal with and it gets easier for you to ask someone out.Remember don't take the rejections personaly. Heck, they don't know you well enough.

Where to meet people is actually one of the biggest questions. Since you're 21 you may still be in school. If you are talk to women in your classes. Satrt with talking about the class and then see where it goes from there. If you work the same applies. If you get along on the job, ask to do something outside work.

The next step is to get out.This doesn't have to mean be on the prowl at bars. Join clubs or organizations that are of interest to you. You'll meet people with similar intrests if nothing else.

Personal Ads also are an option. They cut down on some of the questions involved since both parties are looking for somthing.

One more option is a datting service. Many of these services do the picking and choosing for you.

What ever you try relax. A person filled with anxiety is never attractive.
-Rich
 


*********** From -> Mike
*********** To   -> Dan


Hi Dan,
I've been there.  I was 21 during the 60's sexual revolution.  I though everyone else was having an active sex life except me and a few repressed friends.  What I know realize is I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  In other words, I didn't have my first sexual encounter any sooner or later than I "should" have. I know the pressure is huge; from your own self of esteme, friends, movies & TV, society, etc.  
Rather than push yourself into a sexual situation (no pun intended), explore what you like to do in life.  You'll find alot of satisfaction this way and probably meet a woman who shares an interest with you.  It beats meeting a woman in a bar who only shares lonliness.
If you've several interests, then there will be even more opptunities to meet women with common interests.  
You talked about your appearance being a concern.  I've found that women start exploring relationships at a very early age.  Way before men.  They are more advanced than us.  The great women that I've met, while they may find good looks desirable, will go for a great personality every time.
     


*********** From -> Talmadge
*********** To   -> Mary


Mary,

>> 21 is still plenty young!  <<

     Yup, I'm 42, twice Dan's age.  When I think of how much I've screwed up in the intervening years .... well, my point is, Dan's got a lotta time.  

Talmadge



*********** From -> Mo'
*********** To   -> Mary


>> "Hi, I'm Dan, I'm pathetically lonely and you look like you won't hurt me." <<

Mary,

 ROFL!!!!  I really liked that one.  Suppose it would really work sometimes?

Bare Hugs,

Mo'
  


*********** From -> Mark
*********** To   -> Kevin


 >> I should have several years of girls and relationships under my belt.

Ouch. Those "shoulds" just make you feel worse about yourself. How about "I'd like to have a relationship, but I haven't fully developed the skills that will allow me to meet someone special yet." Go easy on yourself.

M:>


*********** From -> Kevin
*********** To   -> Mark

Mark:

<<<Ouch. Those "shoulds" just make you feel worse about yourself. How about "I'd like to have a relationship, but I haven't fully developed the skills that will allow me to meet someone special yet." Go easy on yourself.>>>

Nice suggestion.  I try to go easy on myself but just get to critical.  Afterall you are your own worst critic. <sigh>

Kevin


*********** From -> Mark
*********** To   -> Kevin


 >> Nice suggestion.  I try to go easy on myself but just get to critical.
 >> Afterall you are your own worst critic. <sigh>

I'm reading a book on self-esteem right now that addresses the problem of that inner critic very directly. It has a lot of suggestions on how you can monitor yourself for negative thoughts and substitute more positive, realistic ones. I've been fighting this war for years and the only antidote is constant vigilance. Heck, if I was as hard on others as I've been on myself, I wouldn't have any friends at all!

I don't have the book here with me at work but I can get the author's name and title if you'd like to look into it.

M:>