*********** From -> Steve
*********** To   -> All

Hi everyone! This is my first time on this forum. I'm a 34 year old male virgin who would like to make up for lost time in the intimacy department. I started suffering from obsessive compulsive neurosis and serious depression at the age of 16 and continued to suffer from this more or less continousl from then on. I'm taking Prozac now, and it has helped my obsessive and depressive symptoms tremendously. I'm physically attractive and smart but am extremely shy around females when it comes to sexuality. A lot of this comes from being extremely dpressed abd obsessive during the years when I should have been developing relationships whith them. My focus now is on the present. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool of self doubt and inhibitions. No matter how much I tell myself that there are women out there who would be attracted to me if I were more forward, I still feel this way on a deep level. 

I'll be hanging around this forum in the future.       Steve H.


*********** From -> Adrian
*********** To   -> Steve

Steve,

I've been <<hanging around>> the forum myself for a few weeks now <s> - it's a pretty good place to be and gets to be a bit of a habit after a while! <g>

I'm pleased to hear that the drugs are helping you - it seems that they have given you the breathing space to start to get to grips with what seems to be a lack of self esteem - something which goes hand in hand with the problems of shyness. Are you having any therapy also?

<<I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool of self doubt and inhibitions>>

I know from experience that it can be crippling and your self worth (or lack of it <s>) becomes the focus of your life causing all sorts of restrictions on the way you live and the things that you do, resulting in even lower self esteem. Well I'm here to tell you that this vicious circle of <<self doubt and inhibitions>> can be broken! <g> I think that you have already figured out for yourself that it won't be all plain sailing, something I can confirm from having gone through the process myself, but it *is* worth all the efforts. FWIW, I have been very impressed by the support that folk who have hit a rough patch in their lives receive in this forum so 'keep hanging' and I'm sure you will get all sorts of help and ideas...

I found it easiest to get to know girls in mixed company and a non-pressurised environment. In this way the intensity of initial meetings is reduced. If you are with a group of sociable people it is less intimidating to start chatting with someone on a one to one basis. Often it can happen quite naturally with the normal ebbs and flows of conversation. Sometimes in this situation you will find a rapport with someone and choose to take it further by suggesting a 'date' of some sort. But you can do this at your own pace, and the chances of rejection are probably reduced if you've already got to know something about the person, and they know a little about you. While you're there, don't forget, btw, to relax and have fun in a group! I found hanging out with friends and acquaintances of both sexes and having a good time was a great way of building self esteem. 

So I would suggest that you try to go where the people are, and work at (??!) having fun rather than being *too* focused on finding a S.O. You have had a really rough time in your life, and I don't for one moment underestimate the difficulty of doing this, but it comes over in your message that you are not a quitter! <Applause from studio audience> <g> You also know that you have a lot of good points (<I'm physically attractive and smart>) and it seems that you are prepared to be responsible for your own happiness. That's a good firm foundation to build on for the future.

What are your interests (apart from computers!) Steve? Where do you normally meet women? Do you belong to any clubs, organisations etc? Tell us a bit more about your life! <g> 

Talk with you later Steve.

Best 

Adrian 

   


*********** From -> John
*********** To   -> Adrian


Adrian,

Hmmm, have you ever noticed how self-worth gets in our way?  Whenever I'm concentrating on myself rather than the other person, I usually seem to wind up upside down.  <g>

<hugs>

John T  (still practicin' tuggin' the forelock, tho, haven't got it down yet <g>)


*********** From -> John
*********** To   -> Steve


Steve,

Glad the ol' biochemistry is gettin' tuned.  Hope the Prozac works.  Coupla' thoughts ....

>> would like to make up for lost time in the intimacy department.  <<

I'm not sure makin' up for lost time is the way to go, maybe a better model is easin' onto the highway ... gotta pick some on-ramps, gotta get up to speed, gotta get into the flow , gotta pick your spot, etc.  Takes time it seems to me.

>>  No matter how much I tell myself that there are women out there who would be attracted to me if I were more forward, I still feel this way on a deep level. <<

Well, do you work or study or interact with any women?  Seems like you gotta start there.  Where have ya' tried, I guess, is what I'm askin'.

Glad you're here!!!

<hugs>

John T


*********** From -> Adrian
*********** To   -> John


John!

<Whenever I'm concentrating on myself rather than the other person I always seem to wind up upside down>>

Wow - that's a pretty neat trick. Even better than tugging of forelocks! <g> Can you demonstrate that for me? I know I mentioned hanging out, but I didn't neccessarily mean *bat like*.

But your tuggin's going real well. Keep it up...remember...pull, bow, grovel; pull, bow, grovel; pull... Lulls 'em into a sense of false security! <g>  

Ah well, the sun is shining here in the UK, and as you said to Steve in so many words <<Get your motor running, head out on the highway, lookin' for adventure, in whatever comes our way..>>

Keep on rockin'. <g>

Hugs

Adrian (Born to be Mild)  (geddit?...)
     



*********** From -> Marc
*********** To   -> Steve


Welcome to Shyness Workshop, Steve!

Your story is sure touching. <hug> I'm glad for Adrians and Johns comments! (Thx guys!) I don't intend to add where they have been sufficient.

I don't have experiences of depression myself and as you can see in my bio (posted in the thread welcoming me), I have learned to deal with my shyness. Part of that was to develop a thicker skin, not to lose on sensitivity, but to be able to take a few hits without getting knocked out. It was epecially helpful that I learned to see that often, if I got rejected, it had little to do with me, a lot more with the woman's experiences with other men. 
We're doomed to live at the edge of the time where men are used to do the first step and a comming age of hopfully real equalnes. (Or might this be a silly illusion of mine?) In any way, things are changing. While our fathers still were able to copy "pick up"lines, we might just get rejected for using one. 
You will possibly have to go through a lot of experiences, that will not turn out to be what you're looking for and to reach intimacy with a person will take a lot more, as its possibly the final stage of you getting into a relationship.

I guess from your description, it's more inhibition and insecurity, then lack of self-esteem, that hinders you. There's no way to improve, if you do not try. As has been said, don't look for an SO in any woman, you're not that unworthy that you have to take anything that comes. Just try to meet people, woman AND man (it's not THAT different, I think). Try to reflect over your behavior and try to detect, where you get yourself in your own way. It's a possible way to learn getting control. You have to first learn how to socialise in general, meeting a woman where some more is possible, will come as consequence.


In any way, if there ever is a situation you want to talk about, this is the place. Also, feel free to ask any questions that come up during reading messages here!!

  Hope you will find this section as supportive I do!

                      Multimegamediahugs


*********** From -> Mary
*********** To   -> Steve


Steve,

welcome!  I had a thought...why don't you consider not looking at your progress as "making up for lost time."  Life's not a contest, and there isn't a nice normal map that everybody has to follow that you're behind in, necessarily. Sure, you may be behind your age group in some issues, such as meeting people and forming friendships, but in other issues, like understanding moods, depression, loneliness, etc. you might be ahead in forming compassion and patience!  And this will come out when you do have a long-term relationship. There's a lot of people, for example, who've cut a wide swath of damage in conducting sexual and personal lives in which they haven't honestly faced their mental health needs and self-medicated themselves with drugs--take pride in yourself that you've avoided that!

Mary


*********** From -> Polly
*********** To   -> John


John,

>> ... I usually seem to wind up upside down.  <g> <<

     Have you ever thought about talking to a physicist about this?  You just may end up with a Nobel Prize! <g>

Hugs,

Polly



*********** From -> Steve
*********** To   -> Adrian


 In response to your inquiries <What are your interests etc.>, I'd be happy to teel you more about myself. I don't want to sound like I'm dwelling on the problems I described in my first message, but I have no doubt that my past depression and emotional troubles were by far the most profound influences on my personal philosophy and how I interact with others. There are both good and bad effects from these. As far as the bad are concerned, I know that the duration and intensity of my emotional stae left permanent changes in my brain which leave me much more susceptible to future depressions. Also the first drug I took permanently damaged a part of my brain which deals with intense drives and emotions.

As far as the good goes, I've experienced an extremely high degree of personal growth. For example, I'm a much more global thinker now and have a much more empathy for others. I have an overriding desire to push the limits in all areas of my life including the emotional, interpersonal, sexual and mental spheres. I've learned to question virtually all of my beliefs and am intensely interested in human potential types of issues. 

There is a huge gulf between the way I actually am and the way I would like to be. There is so much I would like to experience in life and it seems there is not enough time to do them. Partly as a result of this realization I have an interest in nutritional science and am studying it in graduate school. Through knowledge being acquired in this field I'm attempting to slow down basic aging processes through a strategy called caloric restriction. As we get wiser and more experienced we deteriorate physically. Someone once lamented this fact by saying that 'youth is wasted on the young.'

I just got pretty much my first permanent teaching postion as a high school math and biology teacher. I'm going to be moving out of my parents house too. These two facts alone should help increase my self esteem. 

Well, I hope I haven't strayed too far from the scope of this forum, but I wanted people to get a better idea of who I am. Talk to you later.

Peace, 

Steve 
 


*********** From -> Polly
*********** To   -> Steve


Steve,

     Thank you for your update on yourself.  It helps to know something about the people we see in messages here, especially those who are dealing with situations that are different from the average, as is yours.

     You have really come a long way from severe depression!  I'm not surprised to hear you say that you're eager to get on with experiences; the energy it must have taken to get to where you are needs new avenues.  There sure are a lot of them out there, too!

     Where will you move from your parents house?  Will you be in a situation which will make it easy for you to meet people?

Polly




*********** From -> Kevin
*********** To   -> Steve


Hi Steve.

I suffered from depression for most of my first 25 years of life.  Anything someone would say even if it was to someone else and I overheard it I would take it as an attack on me.  I doubted myself so bad that I began to fail at anything I did and then began to feel as if I would never do anything in life much less have a relationship.  I had a brief relationship with a woman last year but it fizzled due to my not being able to share with her and open up.  I came away depressed but I did learn that there was someone who was interested enough to want to take a chance and I recall women from my past that showed interest but I just didn't recieve them and pushed them away.

As I look to the future I have taken some knew steps.  I still am not involved with anyone but within I have found the wonder that can attract a women when the time is right.

I have been hanging around for a while now and have benefitted from sections in both 100 and 200.  Hope you find it as meaningful as I have.

Regards,

Kevin


*********** From -> Adrian
*********** To   -> Steve


Steve,

Thanks for telling us more about yourself - "It is difficult to understand anyone without knowing something about the furniture of his mind, the experiences which have shaped him, and the issues which have brought you together." (Denis Healey - British politician!)

<<I have no doubt that my past depression and emotional troubles were by far the most profound influences on my personal philosophy and how I interact with others.>>

I'm quite sure that you are right. IMO it is not possible to completely drop all the things that have shaped us in the past, like so much unwanted trash, no matter how much we might want to. I'm happy that you can see <<both good and bad effects>> from your past problems, which indicates to me that the work you have already done is paying dividends! <s> You seem determined to make your life full of experiences and positive things, it is that determination which will ensure that you succeed.

You some to have come a very long way and I think you should be proud of that. What you have achieved in just keeping going throughout all your problems is remarkable, imo. It seems to me that you are looking around now, trying to get your bearings, before deciding which direction to set off in. I can identify absolutely with your feeling that there is so much to experience, yet so little time.  I've been feeling like that the past couple of years as well, and like you it has caused me to question absolutely everything - everything that I do, every relationship, every area of my life. It's sometimes frightening, sometimes frustrating, but nearly always exciting! <g> 
Sometimes you need to give yourself permission to sweep away everything that has been cluttering your life and making you feel oppressed and start afresh. The great thing about that is that you can bring your accumulated life experiences (positive and negative) to bear and so, hopefully, avoid making some of the mistakes that you might have made in the past. The *problem* that I had was that, when I had worked up enough self-confidence to start to live the sort of life that I wanted (and I'm only going back  a very few years) I felt the need to rush off down the first avenue that presented itself to me, regardless of whether it was taking me in the right direction! <g>

(If you want me to e-mail you my 'story', btw, I can do so, although it's very different to yours, but still involving chronic lack of self esteem. I don't want to post it on the board again as I only did so a few weeks ago and I don't want to bore everyone!)

So, continuing from my last but one paragraph, are you having any therapy? Sometimes at a time like this it is helpful to have someone who can help you spot signposts that you might miss on your own. It can be difficult at times to keep driving swiftly along *and* navigate at the same time! *Not* a good analogy, I know, but you see what I mean...

Anyway, best of luck moving into your own accommodation. When is it going to happen? I didn't *really* grow up until I got away from 'home' and I'm sure that you will find it could be start of a whole chain of events. And congratulations on the new career! 

<<Youth is wasted on the young>>
I like that - do you know who said it?

We'll talk later.

Best 

Adrian.