Shyness Workshop members talk about first impressions ...

Message: #88119
Subject: First impressions
From:    George V. 
To:      :: Bob :: 

I have one personality quirk that drives my friends, colleagues, and even
family crazy.  And that is my total lack of response to something someone
tells me.   Deadpan face and silence (while my mind is racing trying to think
of something to say).  If I think of something to say, I will eventually
respond, but if I can't think of something to say, they never really know if I
even heard what they said.

One of my sons says that telling me a story is like talking to a stone wall.

My dead silence on the telephone when someone asks me a question that I can't
answer immediately has become a big joke to everyone I work with.  (Except the
BigBoss.  He doesn't find anything humorous in it.)

George


Message: #88240
From:    :: Kevin C. :: 
To:      :: Bob :: 

Bob,

     I pace when I'm thinking hard about something.  I bet that drives my
colleagues crazy.  Fortunately, this isn't the way I usually make a first
impression!

Kevin C.


Message: #88118
From:    George V. 
To:      :: Bob :: 

Bob,

Well, that depends to some degree on the nature of the loudness.  There was
one fellow who, while waiting for his audition, rattled off a continuous stream
of fantastic witticisms (really good ones).  He could see humor in everything
and he highlighted it for everyone around him.  He won the job and quickly made
friends with just about everyone.

On the other hand, he later moved to a job in another city, and I understand
that he rubbed some stodgy old-timers the wrong way right off the bat.  It's
been several years now and he was able to overcome those first impressions in
that other group, and is well liked by them. 

I guess that gets to the heart of the question, doesn't it.  First impressions
are possible, though sometimes difficult to overcome.

I agree with you, Bob, that loud people in general tend to make a worse
impression on me than quiet ones.

George


Message: #88106
From:    George V. 
To:      :: Kevin C. :: 
Reply:   #88214 

Kevin,

You caught me!  Yes, I guess it does look as though I'm infiltrating the ranks
of the weasels.  I can't seem to remember making any first impressions on
people.

On a social basis, I think I do my best to make sure that people I meet get
the same impression that everyone else has... that I'm shy, a bit cold, 
stand-offish, strait-laced, with possibly a lot going on under the surface
that people can't see.  I think it's a mask I wear for self-protection.  It's
an impression that I don't really want to make,  (especially the strait-laced
bit) and it's hard to change once it has been made.  But I don't dare start off
with a different impression because I wouldn't be sure where it would lead and
whether I could handle it ...

George


Message: #88121
From:    George V. 
To:      Lana M. 
Reply:   #88320 

Hi, Lana, and welcome.  How long ago since you were last here, and did you
frequent Shyness Workshop then?  I guess I've only been active in this section
for about six or eight months, and I don't think we've met!

(Gosh, that was easy to type.  Why would it be so much more difficult to say
in person?)  But it's sincere, anyway.  Welcome to the place where shy people
can speak out comfortably!

George


Message: #88320
From:    Lana M. 
To:      George V.

Howdy, George, and thanks for the welcome!

I was last here ... oh ... lessee ... maybe 18 months ago.  Did I frequent
Shyness Workshop then?  <grin!> I guess so -- I was the Section Leader for
Shyness Workshop when it was called Person to Person (I think some of my files
may still be in the DL), about 4 years ago.

This is easier than offline interaction, isn't it?  I KNOW I make a better
first impression here online (in a social setting) than I do offline.  Again,
I think it has to do with comfort level.  You can't *see* me here, so it
doesn't matter if I show up wearing sweats, with my hair in a towel, and a cat
on my  lap! <grin!>

Cheers!

Lana


Message: #88237
From:    :: Kevin C. :: 
To:      Lana M. 

Lana,

     I tend to be "all business" all the time.  It works well for business,
but is too stuffy for my personal life.  It's no wonder my first impressions
tend to be "cold."

     What social situations bring out your shyness the most?  Why do these
situations tear down your assertiveness and confidence?

Kevin C.


Message: #88321
From:    Lana M. 
To:      :: Kevin C. :: 

Hi, Kevin!

Oh my, I can give you a *prime* example.  My brother recently married a non-US
national, and is waiting for her to complete INS processing so she can join
him here in the states.  Some of her relatives are already living here. 
Yesterday, they had a barbecue to celebrate the birthday of one of the cousins,
and I was invited -- kind of a "let's check out the family of the groom." 
<sigh ...>

There were at least 60 people there, and the only one I knew was my brother
(and we don't get along that well!).  Five generations of her family, assorted
cousins, aunts, friends, a ton of toddlers, etc.  To make matters worse, most
of the time they didn't speak English, so I couldn't understand a word they
were saying, except occasionally I could discern a "...Lana..." in the
conversation, and a few sideways glances my way.

I KNEW I was being "inspected" -- I'm the "sister," after all, and I'm 
(*horrors!!*) divorced.  I also knew that it was important to my brother for
me to make a good impression.  I did my best, truly, but it was all I could do
to stop myself from leaving the party shortly after I arrived.

WHY this happens, I'm not sure.  Maybe I just worry too much about how I come
across?  My brother called this evening to thank me for coming, and indicated
that I'd made a very good impression on the in-laws.  I had NO IDEA how I had
come across.  Maybe that's part of it, too -- in a professional setting, it's
easy to assess the effect I'm having on others, by the way they react and by
the results attained.  In a social setting, it's much harder for me to "read"
people.

Cheers!

Lana
 

Message: #88120
From:    George V. 
To:      Lana M. 
Reply:   #88319 

Lana,

I don't think you're strange at all.  I think most of us here have much more
trouble with our social image than our professional image. 

The professional image is something we MUST fit ourselves into.  "If you want
to be a _______, this is the way you must act."  You see others doing it, and
you mimic them until you develop a style of your own. 

But this only gives your audience a window into your abilities and talents. 
It doesn't let anyone see the real YOU.  There are stereotyped images of people
in various professions or occupations and it's relatively easy to adapt to
them.  But social stereotypes may not fit an individual very well, and they're
too dangerous to one's feeling of safety.

I've heard that many people who are M.C.'s and professional comedians in the
spotlight are often extremely shy people in social situations. 

How does one go about finding a mold of the social kind of person one would
like to be, and then squeeze one's self into it?  Has anyone you know done
this successfully?

George


Message: #88319
From:    Lana M. 
To:      George V.

Hi, George!

Well, that's a question I've been trying to answer for the past 10 years or
so.  CIS actually helps -- I can "try out" new ways of acting/reacting in
relative safety, and then translate that to offline social interaction.  I do
have an image of how I'd like to be socially -- COMFORTABLE!  <grin!>  I just
need more practice, I guess.  And my work/commute schedule doesn't give me that
much of an opportunity to do that.

Or, maybe it's simply a matter of priorities?  I'm not lonely -- I *like*
solitude.  So perhaps I just don't give social interaction a very high 
priority. What's troubling are those times when I'm forced into a social
situation, and I have to try to make a good impression on people I don't know.

Sort of a vicious cycle, no?  I'm uncomfortable in social settings, so I stay
where I'm most comfortable -- serenely alone, so that when I'm forced into a
social situation, I'm very uncomfortable, so that reinforces my aversion to
socializing. hmmmmm.....!

Cheers!

Lana


Message: #88773
From:    :: George V. :: 
To:      Lana M.
Reply:   #88831 

Lana,

<< I can give you a *prime* example. >>

That was a "prime" example if ever I saw one.  I was trying to think how a
show-off extrovert would function in a situation like that, and I can't
imagine it being much different from the way you did.

I had a somewhat experience recently.  My daughter in law is Filipino, and we
had a 2nd birthday party for her daughter, my granddaughter, at my house a few
weeks ago.  Gobs of people I didn't know, and most of the talk was in Tagalog.
But I had the advantage of being in a familiar setting (my own home) and also,
I wasn't "under scrutiny" to the degree you were.

My son had asked me to do a special favor for him... to record the party on
Videotape.  At first that seemed like a drag but later I realized that it gave
me a function and something to do.  I still didn't relate to any of the people
but I didn't feel quite like the wallflower I usually do.

I'm curious as to what nationality your sister in law is.  I ask because your
description of the party sounds so much like the one we had here.

How in the world could you NOT worry about how you came across?  And how in
the world can you possibly "read" people in a setting like that?  Do you really
think a life-of-the-party type extrovert would have felt differently?

George


Message: #88831
From:    Lana M. 
To:      :: George V. :: 

Hi, George!

**VERY** perceptive of you.  My new sister-in-law is, in fact, Filipino, and
the group I was with last Sunday was from her church.  Her family is very
active in this particular church -- her brother (in the Phillipines) is in the
seminary, her uncle is an "elder," the minister (or whatever they call him)
was at the party, etc., and they take a dim view of divorce.

The only time I felt truly comfortable was when I was discussing the computer
industry with a young man who is a junior at a local university, majoring in
computer engineering.  I switched into "professional mode," and had a pretty
good time.

I just get overwhelmed when I'm faced by that many people I don't know, and
the fact that I was being examined made it even more stressful.  The food was
good, though!  <grin!>

Cheers!

Lana
 

Message: #88772
From:    :: George V. 
To:      Lana M.
Reply:   #88830 

Lana,

Wow!  I've been on HSX just a little over a year, and I was beginning to feel
like an old timer. 

Did this section have a very different character when it was Person to Person?
Do you know if it went through any other changes and permutations before it
started being called Shyness Workshop?  This title seems more descriptive and
limited and probably draws a more elite crowd (we all have one thing in
common).

You DO make a good first impression on here, there's no doubt of that.  Now
I'll have to alter my mental image of you to include sweats, towel on hair and
cat on lap.  Do you think the big difference, then, between online and offline
is the ability to see and be seen by others?

I wonder how we would all fare socially if everyone could wear just what they
wear to be comfortable around the house?  Would that make it easier?

Boy, I'm glad you can't see ME here!

George


Message: #88830
From:    Lana M.
To:      :: George V. :: 

Hi, George!

Well, it's probably a little more active <grin!>, but basically the subject
matter is the same, I think.  The only thing that changed was the name -- I
moved on to co-lead "Coping with Crisis," and finally ended up with "Starting
Over" (kind of a natural progression, when you consider that I was going
through a separation/divorce at the time!).

I think the lack of a "real" picture plays a part in my online comfort level,
but I'm not sure that's all of it.  Out in the "real" world, if I misspeak, I
can't backspace and retype!  There's no control-U out there!  I generally
don't worry *too* much about my physical appearance, 'cuz basically I think I'm
pretty reasonable-looking.  But it *is* nice to be able to join a conversation
with strangers without having to get dressed up and drive somewhere.

Cheers!

Lana


Message: #88774
From:    :: George V. :: 
To:      Lana M. 
Reply:   #88928 

Lana,

Oh, I think there's no doubt of it.  CIS, or more specifically, HSX is a very
big help.  I think I've changed socially more in the last year than I have for
years before that.

I was about to respond to your second paragraph, but you know what you've
done?  You've given me a seeder.  (vide "Why Try?")  See you there!

George


Message: #89649
From:    :: George V. :: 
To:      Lana M. 
Reply:   #89783 

Lana,

I wonder what comm. program you're using.  You know, on Navigator (for the
Mac) if you choose to, you can draw a cartoon of yourself and it will appear on
all messages (to other Navigator users) with lips moving.  I managed to draw a
caricature of myself, and I think it's even identifiable as me, but I don't
use it because I find it very distracting.

I know what you mean about not being able to backspace/delete in real life. 
But to counter that, in real life you at least have the benefit of voice
inflection and facial/body expression to help get your meaning across. 

One of my last messages to you looked perfectly all right to me after I typed
it, but the next day, after it was uploaded, I realized that it could also be
read in a different light, which would have come out rather impolite.  But
nothing I could do about it then (short of logging on again and deleting it
hoping you hadn't seen it yet).  But apparently you didn't take it the wrong
way.

But lack of facial expressions, etc. is one big drawback of this mode of
conversation. <grin>  <shrug>  <snort>

George


Message: #89783
From:    Lana M.
To:      :: George V. :: 

Hi, George!

I'm also using CIS Navigator, and I've put together a "face" that I think is
reasonably close, but I haven't read enough in the manual to decide what to do
with it! <grin!>  Like you, I "turned off" the faces that appear when I'm
reading messages -- too distracting.

When using this medium, I look for possible double meanings, and give the
writer the "benefit of the doubt." <grin!>  I never take offense to anything,
unless it's a direct personal attack.  So not to worry!

Cheers!

Lana


Message: #89673
From:    :: George V. ::
To:      Lana M.
Reply:   #89785 

Lana,

When I saw your message, I thought "Aha! I knew it!" and at the same time I
was really very surprised to see that my "guess" was correct.  I think perhaps
if she had been from the Western world you would have said she was European or
South American.  Calling her a foreign national made me think Asian.  And
since it sounded like my daughter-in-law's family and friends, I guessed that.

Ah, the food.  At the party here, my daughter in law did ALL the cooking, and
made enough food for 100 people.  I'm sure you had Pansit... a birthday cannot
pass without it.  The most amazing dish here was stuffed chicken wings. 
Chicken wings stuffed with a mixture of beef and pork and onions and spices. 
Just fantastic.  But she made about 200 of them, and told us that each one
took at least 10 minutes to prepare.

How long before your sister in law is expected to arrive here?  And also, how
did your brother make out in the party under even greater scrutiny?  Has he
lived in the Philippines?  Does he speak Tagalog?

George


Message: #89785
From:    Lana M.
To:      :: George V. ::

Hi, George!

Yes, we had pansit, and lumpia, and grilled chicken in a *wonderful* marinade,
and adobo, and a few other things that I still don't know the names of!
<grin!>

Latest word is that my sister-in-law will arrive on July 10.  My brother was
under no particular scrutiny at the party, since he already knew everyone
there from church.  He met his wife through her uncle, who lives here already. 
They corresponded via mail for 6 months.  His first visit to the Philippines
was in February, a two-week visit, and they were married the day before he
returned to the US.  It has taken this long (Feb - July) to get the necessary
paperwork forthe INS in order.  My brother speaks no Tagalog, and with her
relatives here, it should be interesting.  I get to meet her on July 13 -- and,
yes, I'm concerned about first impressions.  <grin!!>

Cheers!

Lana


Message: #90463
From:    :: George V. ::
To:      Lana M.

Lana,

I got through about half the instructions on "Faces".  For some reason, I had
my own face showing twice on each message, as both sender and receiver.  Some
day, if you'll figure out what to do with your face, and I figure out what to
do with mine, maybe we can both put them on, and see an "artist's conception"
of what we think we look like!

Very wise of you to allow for possible double meanings.  There aren't too many
people on here who do.  When I have the time I like to come back and re-read
my messages several hours later, before posting, just to see if they still say
what I intended them to.  But not this month!

George


Message: #90465
From:    :: George V. ::
To:      Lana M.
Reply:   #90639 

Lana,

Wow!  A six month exchange of letters (without even the benefit of CIS), and a
two-week courtship.  I guess she must speak very good English to be able to
communicate in such a brief time to the point where they are ready to marry.

My daughter in law, unfortunately, is very hard to communicate with.  She has
lived in this country for quite a few years, but spent most of her time living
with Filipino families.  We do communicate, but it is difficult.  I did teach
her to drive, and I think that most of the difficulties we experienced came
from poor comprehension in both directions.  She and my son both want their
daughter to be multilingual, and she talks to her daughter (age 2) in various
dialects of Tagalog whenever they're alone. 

Reading your message again, I see I may have misinterpreted <g>.  Did your
brother meet his wife initially in person or initially via mail?  It takes
forever for mail to travel between the Philippines and here.  That must have
been quite an ordeal.

I look forward to hearing all about your meeting with her on July 13th.

George


Message: #90639
From:    Lana M. 
To:      :: George V. ::

Hi, George!

My brother "met" her initially by mail -- 6 months correspondence, THEN the
face-to-face meeting in February.

One thing that is keeping me from being absolutely frantic over the July 13
meeting is the fact that I suspect she'll be just as nervous about meeting me
as I am about meeting her.

Still, I admit to struggling to decide what to serve for lunch!

Cheers!!

Lana


Message: #91660
From:    :: George V. :: 
To:      Lana M.
Reply:   #92229 

Lana,

I'm sure your sister-in-law must be nervous too.  But what about your brother?
I'll bet he's real nervous, too.  I mean after all, he's only really known her
for two weeks, and that was four months ago!  Has he expressed any nervousness
to you?

What to serve for lunch?  If you were a guest in her home, she would surely
serve a Filipino specialty, so why not give her a 100% American lunch? 
Cheeseburgers, corn-on-the-cob, (with Diet Pepsi) and Baskin-Robbins ice cream
for dessert!  Maybe through in some cole slaw and potato salad to make it 
complete.  It might seem very mundane to you, but I bet she would be thrilled
by the new tastes.

I was just telling my daughter-in-law about our conversation, and she's
curious to know where your sister-in-law comes from.  Who knows, maybe they
knew each other.  Stranger things have happened.  My daughter in law comes from
Mindanao and before that from Leyte.

George


Message: #92229
From:    Lana M. 
To:      :: George V. ::
Reply:   #92456 

Hi, George!

I'm think my brother is nervous, but if he is, he doesn't show it.  He's more
anxious to get the "Mrs." here safely (what with the volcano and all), and
*then* I think he'll probably get nervous.

I like your idea of cheeseburgers!  I think that'll be a better choice than
some of the more "exotic" dishes I've been considering.  (A side note:  I just
bought a gas barbecue grill today, which I hope I can get assembled in time
for use this weekend.  One of the disadvantages of living alone -- the sucker
weighs a *ton*, and I can't even get it out of the car by myself! <sigh ....>)

I spoke to my brother tonight, and found out she's from Quezon City, a suburb
of Manilla.

Cheers!!

Lana


Message: #93106
From:    :: George V. :: 
To:      Lana M. 
Reply:   #93292 

Lana,

Today (July 12th) is, I believe, Philippine Independence day, and there is a
Filipino show coing in to our theater tonight.  Pilita Corrales and the
Reycard Duet--I understand they are big stars in the Philippines, so your
sister in law probably knows of them.  I was able to get complimentary tickets
for my daughter in law and all her friends (No, I'm not going).

But tomorrow is your big day!  Good luck.

Several years ago, an Australian friend, whom I had met through a tape 
correspondence club, visited us shortly after he arrived and had his first
American family meal with us.  My wife served grilled steak, corn on the cob,
and maybe apple pie, or something like that.  Unfortunately, he didn't show
up.  We waited several hours and then we ate.  He finally showed up, starving,
at about 11:30 PM!  (He had been driving across the country).  It was rather
embarrassing.  He had no idea at all what to do with the corn on the cob, and
it was sort of difficult to "tell" him rather than show him.  But I think he
enjoyed it, and it definitely was novel for him.

Surprisingly enough <g> my wife (and I) are babysitting tonight so Edith can
go to the Filipino show.  If she gets here before I upload, I'll find out if
she knows anyone from Quezon City.

Here's hoping you make a good first impression!  <g>

George


Message: #93292
From:    Lana M. 
To:      :: George V. ::

Hi, George!

Well, they left about an hour ago.  Lunch went very well, considering that the
burgers got a little "crispy" (I was able to get the gas grill going, but it
was the first time I'd ever cooked on it, and it doesn't handle burgers the
same way as a charcoal grill!).  Thelma is *delightful* -- very quiet, very
shy <grin!>, very petite, with a very quick mind.  She seems very strong, and I
think may just end up being a moderating influence in my brother's life.  I
hope so -- he clearly is in love with her, and I get the impression that she
views her relationship with him as almost a "caretaker."

I've been invited back to her uncle and aunt's home tomorrow for another
barbecue, to welcome Thelma to the U.S.  My brother, however, has informed me
that I should "be prepared for a 'surprise'."  I have a suspicion that they
are also planning something to do with my birthday (which was on Thurs. 7/11). 
His invitation wasn't so much a request as a "command" (as in "you *will* be
there tomorrow, between 2 and 3, OK?").

I think I made a good impression -- we talked quite a bit about cooking (she,
like me, enjoys time in the kitchen), and she has agreed to teach me how to
make some traditional Phillipine dishes.  She spent quite a bit of time
perusing my "library" (I have a *lot* of books, most on the subjects of
history and cooking), so I also get the impression she likes to read.

All in all, it went better than I expected. 

Cheers!!

Lana
 

Message: #94341
From:    :: George V. ::
To:      Lana M. 

Lana,

I almost didn't see your message written after your brother and sister-in-law
left.  For some reason it didn't come through in my "Get All My New Messages"
command, but only showed up on the forum.  Another question for me to ask in
NavSupp.

I'm glad it all went well, and it looks as though you've found a kindred soul
in Thelma. 

Too bad that you've been able to "see through" your brother's invitation. 
Will you be able to feign surprise if it turns out to be a surprise birthday
party? (Oops, change that previous sentence to past tense.)  But Happy Birthday
from Shyness Workshop!!  I'll have to enter that date in my "Remember" DA.

You said that with the exception of the slightly crispy burgers, you were
happy with the way the luncheon went.  How did Thelma like the new American
taste thrills?  After I had suggested cheeseburgers to you I thought, maybe
there are MacDonalds in Manila (they're everywhere else, even Moscow), so maybe
she had tasted cheeseburgers before.  Even so, I'm sure your cheeseburgers
would be in a different class from MacDonald's.

Thanks for the report!

George


Message: #93564
From:    :: George V. ::
To:      Lana M.

Lana,

I'm writing this on Sunday evening, so you might very well have already told
us all, but I was thinking of you yesterday and I'm wondering how the party for
your new sister-in-law went.  What did you end up serving?  Did you both make
a good first impression on each other?

Incidentally, I pulled a little political maneuver, and I think it's going to
work.  I had gotten a bunch of free tickets for my daughter-in-law and her
Filipino friends to the special Filipino concert and program at our hall on
Philippine Independence Day, July 12th.  They asked me how to thank the person
responsible for getting them the free tickets.  At first I said it was not
necessary, but then I got an idea (while I was writing to you about 
"enciemadas".

So I told Edith, my daughter-in-law, that maybe it would be nice to do 
something for the woman who is the hall manager, who got me the tickets.  Edith
said, "Maybe I'll make her some enciemadas."  I said "Wonderful!"  I suggested
that if she had one or two left over, we could handle that for her also.  She
laughed.

Then I confessed to her that enciemadas was just what I had in mind, and that
my mouth had been watering for some of them, and that's what gave me the idea
of her giving something to the hall manager.  First and foremost, I think she
got the message, "I LOVE YOUR ENCIEMADAS".

George