(:: Polly <host> ::)  Welcome to Going it Alone! Sometimes it seems 
                    that the whole world is coupled. How can we fit in as 
                    singles?  How do you create rewarding experiences 
                    without a partner along for the ride? 
(:: Polly <host> ::) OK, for those who might have missed it, the question is 
                    how do we fit into a world when we are single and it 
                    seems that the whole world is made up of couples? 
                    Sometimes people for instance, will bring a friend 
                    along with them as sort of camouflage.
(:: Michael I. ::) <sigh>I still remember the days when that applied to me.
(:: Polly <host> ::) I think that women do that more than men. Michael, how 
                    did you cope with it?  Was it hard?
(Conrad D.) I think so too. I wonder why?
(:: Michael I. ::) Pretty hard. I felt as if I was everyone's best buddy, 
                  but noone wanted me as a lover.
(:: Polly <host> ::) I don't do it any more, Conrad, but I used to (really 
                    still do) feel like I stick out like a sore thumb alone 
                    <sigh> That wasn't really true, was it Michael? <smile>
(:: Michael I. ::) Well, I almost believed it for a while, Polly. <s>
(:: chael I. ::) As for these prearranged meetings - I absolutely hated
(:: Michael I. ::) them.
(Rick F.) Where do/did you feel you stick out like a sore thumb, Polly?
(:: Michael I. ::) "You got to meet XYZ - she and you have so much in
(:: Polly <host> ::) By prearranged meetings, do you mean blind dates?
(:: Michael I. ::) common". That was a sure way to make me clam up 
                  completely.
(:: Polly <host> ::) When I'm somewhere where most people are in couples, 
                    Rick, and I'm alone.
(:: Michael I. ::) No, not exactly blind dates, Polly. I'm talking about 
                  friends trying to find a partner for yourself.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Michael, I understand!  I always seem to want to prove 
                    them wrong <g>
(Rick F.) I can relate, Polly.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Rick, how do you deal with it?  Do you bring a friend, 
                    or do you have a way of making yourself "fit in" to 
                    feel more comfortable? 
(Rick F.) Generally, try to fit in, or use the old *avoid* the situation, 
         tactic!  Not so much anymore, though.
(:: Polly <host> ::) You've given up avoiding it, Rick?  What made that 
                     change? Michael, even though you aren't technically 
                     "unpartnered" now, your SO isn't always with you.  
                     Do you still find coupled situations uncomfortable?
(Rick F.) I think I came to the realization that nobody cared whether or 
         not I was alone.  *I* felt uncomfortable, but nobody else did.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Rick, I think that's true.... I never am bothered by 
                    someone else being alone .... in fact, sometimes it 
                    makes them seem more approachable!
(: Michael I. ::) No, not at all, Polly. I feel very close to her even if 
                 we're not together, that really helps. Sometimes I envy 
                  couples that are too obviously happy, but it's much 
                  easier to cope with these days. 
(Rick F.) Sometimes, Polly, maybe *we're* our own worst enemy! <G>
(:: Polly <host> ::) Rick, true!
(:: Michael I. ::)  Rick, <g>in my experience we're ALWAYS our own worst enemy!  
(:: Polly <host> ::) I also find myself wondering, in my more malicious 
                    moods <g>, whether those happy couples are *really* 
                    happy!
(Rick F.) I think once we get over the "I have something to prove" stage, 
         we can just get along with our lives, and enjoy it. LOL!  Me too, 
         Polly! <G>
(:: Mihael I. ::) <grin> Who hasn't!
(:: Polly <host> ::) Have any of you ever had others actually put pressure 
                    on you not to be somewhere or do something without a 
                    date?
(Rick F.) No, have you?
(:: Michael I. ::) Yes, I have. You know the sort of business lunches where 
                  you're expected to bring your partner?
(:: Polly <host> ::) Yes, Rick, I have.  In the world of small-town 
                    fundraisers, apparently it's required. Michael, in 
                    *that* world, a woman is better off without a partner!
(:: Mihael I. ::) I've never thought about it from a female perspective,
(Rick F.) Don't you love it, when we live in world of facades!
(:: Polly <host> ::) Yeah, Rick <sigh> Michael, if I'm at a meeting with 
                    other lawyers, they can bring their wives and sometimes 
                    I'm expected to act like one of the wives ...
(Rick F.) Egads!
(:: Polly <host> ::) I can generally avoid that, but if I bring a date, 
                    *he* becomes the focus, and I'm relegated to the 
                    "wives!" It doesn't always happen, but enough that I 
                    just don't bring anyone. <sigh> 
                    Jeanne, do you ever bring a friend along just 
                    to have someone to be with?
(Jeanne) Not really, Polly. I am pretty independent,,,even when I'm not in 
        a relationship, I do alot on my own. But the world is definitely 
        geared for couples
(:: Polly <host> ::) I asked because that is one of the techniques it seems 
                    a lot more womenuse. How do you find that the 
                    "coupledness" of life affects you?
(Jeanne) Well, at my age, most of my friends are married or have a 
        permanent SO.  Sometimes that has left me out of the circle during 
        some casual events.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Jeanne, do you avoid those situations?
(ed) oh i am married so i will leavebye all
(:: Polly <host> ::) Ed, I'd be interested in your perspective, too!
(Jeanne) I hate it when you go to make a hotel reservation, and it is 
        usually based on dual occupancy (G)!
(:: Polly <host> ::) Jeanne, I agree!  That's such a pain!.... Do you know 
                    that when I travel with my children, they usually 
                    designate one of the children as an adult because 
                    it's apparently unthinkable for *one* adult to 
                    travel with three children? <sigh>
(Jeanne) Jeez!!!
(:: Polly <host> ::) Alice, my oldest, loves the policy, of course! <g>
(Jeanne) LOL!
(:: Polly <host> ::) Greg, earlier we were talking about the perception
                     that couples don't welcome singles at some events...
(greg b) like?
(:: Polly <host> ::) Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone is 
                    uncoupled, say at a  dinner where most people are 
                    couples?
(greg b) not really, although i think that person feels inadequate
(:: Polly <host> ::) Inadequate?  Is that something you perceive?  Or 
                    have you been told that?
(greg b) they usually are uncomfortable with everything being talked about
(Jeanne) Yes, sometimes conversation revolves around the couples.
(greg b) they are the stronger societal unit, and often control the tone..
(:: Polly <host> ::) Would you rather that they not be there?  Do you try 
                    to generalize the conversation?  Or just expect that 
                    the single person will fit in? Jeanne, I wonder if it's 
                    like the conversations between those of us with 
                    children; sometimes I feel like I'm being rude!
(greg ) i'm kind of laid back...i'm not overzealous to keep them..
(greg b) once you have kids, they dominate conversation and life..
(Jeanne) I have also been with a group of my single girlfriends with a 
        girlfriend that is married,,,and the opposite happens,,,that 
        married person feels left out.  So I just think it has to do with 
        what a group of people have in common.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Hmmm, Jeanne, that's probably it socially.  I still 
                    find a fair amount of pressure to "bring a date" 
                    sometimes, though. 
(Jeanne)  I just missed a high school reunion because of no date, 
         Polly.  I bet there were not many singles there.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Jeanne, were dates required?.... or did you make that 
                    decision on your own?
(Jeanne) No they weren't,,,but that was one place I would have felt awkward 
        without a date.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Interesting, I have a reunion coming up in November, 
                    and though I didn't really think of it as necessary, 
                    I have already talked with Bill about going with me! ...
(Jeanne) A reunion usually is a place where people kind of "show off" how 
        they are doing....and I think most singles are looked at as a 
        failure. (at least at my age!!! (G))
(:: Polly <host> ::) Guess I'm more sensitive to it than I thought <sigh> 
                    Jeanne, perhaps that's it!  To be single -- 
                    especially if divorced, is a failure in many peoples' 
                    eyes.
(:: Michael I. ::) <sigh>The bad thing is that we tend to accept that view
                   too easily for ourselves.
(Jeanne) I don't agree with that,,,but society has a way of viewing singles 
        as the outside bunch.
(:: Polly <host> ::) How can we get around that perception, when as you 
                    say, Jeanne, it's pretty much a societal norm? Bluffing 
                    through might change what happens, but not how we feel.
(Jeanne) Well, I do believe times are changing,,,,I read in the paper the 
        other day that more adults are staying single longer, than ever 
        before.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Hmmmm, I wonder if that will change perceptions, 
                    though.  People still  carry around perceptions of 
                    life that haven't been true for decades...
(Jeanne) that's true!! lol
(:: Polly <host> ::) like, for instance, that most Americans live in rural 
                    areas. 
(:: Polly <host> ::) Joanne, you're here to be our coupled view on the 
                    single life, I hope! <g>..
                    We're talking about what it's like to be alone in a 
                    world of couples....
(:: Joanne ::) I don't think I'd care to be alone.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Joanne, do you ever feel uncomfortable when a single 
                    person is in a group where everyone else is coupled?
(:: Joanne ::) Our society lives in a world of couples. Never!!!!!!!
(Jeanne) I just think that the world generally revolves around couples 
        (politically, socially, religiously) and until there is a change in 
        that,,,the hotels, restaurants, reunions, even people will accept 
        that view.
(:: Polly <host> ::) I wonder if it's a survival thing? After all, without 
                     couples, there wouldn't be a human race! <g>
(:: Joanne ::) I don't care who is alone or not and I am never 
              uncomfortable around people.
(:: Joanne ::) It could be...procreation and all survival of our race.
(:: Polly <host> ::) But that still doesn't help, really.
(:: Joanne ::) Not at all.
(Jeanne) True.
(:: Joanne ::) There are people out there that don't want to procreate and 
              they should not have to. I think that attitudes are changing. 
              I think that survey that came out a couple weeks ago shows it.
(Jeanne) And, Joanne, those people are usually looked down on also.
(:: Joanne ::) I think that is changing Jeanne.
(:: Polly <host> ::) What survey, Joanne?
(:: Joanne ::) I don't think that it is looked down on as badly as it used 
              to be.
(:: Polly <host> ::) True, Jeanne, if people don't show contempt, there 
                    is often at least pity.
(:: Joanne ::) The survey that more women these days want to remain single.
(Jeanne) That's what I was referring to earlier, Polly.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Ah!
(Jeanne) And there is definitely a difference between being a single female 
        and a single male.
(:: Joanne ::) Do you think so, Jeanne?
(Jeanne) (Besides the obvious, (G))
(:: Polly <host> ::) I think so, Jeanne!  But I wonder if Michael will 
                    agree?
(:: Joanne ::) I think that attitude is changing as well.
(Jeanne) If it is, Joanne, it is changing slowly,,,,
(:: Michael I. ::) I'd tend to agree, Polly. Society expects males to be 
                  agressive, and women to be more passive. It's really not 
                  that different from HSX in that respect. <sigh>  
(Jeanne) a man walking into a bar alone is viewed differently than a woman 
        walking in aone.
(:: Polly <host> ::) Michael, I think that's true, Jeanne, too, but the 
                    reality isn't the same at all!....
(:: Michael I. ::) How do you mean that, Polly? In which way does reality 
                   differ?
(:: Polly <host> ::) I think that despite the perception, women have often 
                    dealt with the issues more fully than men, and we just 
                    don't see the men who end up hiding out because of 
                    their discomfort!.. Dan, we're talking about being 
                    single in a world that is mostly couples.
(Dan C.C.C.P.) <--- single
(:: Polly <host> ::) Dan, is it the same in Russia?  Is the world geared 
                    for couples?
(Dan C.C.C.P.) mmm...i think, Russia is geared for strong people.... no 
              matter are they couples or singles <g> frankly, i didnt notice 
              such a big problem...
(:: Polly <host> ::) Michael, back on your question, I see men posting in 
                    Shyness who just don't make the effort to go into the 
                    world because they don't know how to whereas women seem 
                    to have at least an idea where the problems are, and...
(Dan C.C.C.P.) what do you mean i particular, Polly?
(:: Polly <host> ::) what they *could* do about them. Dan, for instance, a 
                    single is often made to fel uncomfortable in a 
                    group and institutions are set up on the 
                    assumption that one is part of a couple; hotel 
                    reservations are usually based on double occupancy, for 
                    instance!
(Dan C.C.C.P.) don't know for institutions, but yes, in group the singles 
              are quite remarkable
(:: Polly <host> ::) Remarkable, Dan? You mean that they stand out as 
                    different?
(Dan C.C.C.P.) hehe Polly...the hotel system here isn't arranged to satisfy 
              even the basic needs <g> yes, diffferent
(:: Polly <host> ::) Dan, I gave the example earlier that when I travel 
                    with my children, one of them is often designated an 
                    adult, since it is inconceivable that one adult 
                    would be travelling with three children.
(Dan C.C.C.P.) hmm... inconceivable from what point of view? hotel keepers?
(:: Polly <host> ::) Yes, the hotels and even airlines reqire that one 
                    child pay full price... and be considered an adult.
(Dan C.C.C.P.) well...i hardly believe this has something with... any kind 
              of " apaertheid <g> 
(:: Polly <host> ::) Hmmm, interesting label, Dan....
(Dan C.C.C.P.) mostly economical reasons i think.
(:: Polly <host> ::) may I borrow it for a CO title? <g>
(Dan C.C.C.P.) sorry...i couldn't find an appropriate word...
(:: Polly <host> ::) I need to wrap this up now.....
(Dan C.C.C.P.) my vocabulary is quite weak <g>
(:: Polly <host> ::) Dan, I think it's a great word!  It's how many people 
                    feel! Thanks for being here, and come back next week! 
                    <g>
(Dan C.C.C.P.) Polly..nice CCO, thank you! -C <g>
(:: Polly <host> ::) See you later!  Hugs!!