AOH :: SUBG_04.TXT|
SubGenius Sources #4 - Sex: The Divine Battle
SubGenius Sources #4
Fourth in an occasional series
SEX: THE DIVINE BATTLE
[Let's face it...very few folks who aren't on TV have as much
sex as they want (with the possible exception of those who are
married, in which case sex is routine at best, and sometimes
downright embarrassing). Naturally enough, "Bob" has an answer:
after even one casual perusal of this highly sensitive document,
you may be able to replace your antiquated notions of the
jig-jig thing with highly modern, "sophisticated" viewpoints
that may not get you any more dates, but will at least upgrade
your status from "misfit" to "complete social outcast."
The following Dobbsian "Love Secrets" are not intended for the
use of anyone (a) under the age of 18 (b) currently in a working
relationship (c) reporting ALL their income to the IRS or (d)
with a pre-existing heart condition.
Consider yourselves warned.]
[SubGenius Sources is a series of textfiles designed for the use
of those dupes of the Conspiracy wishing to explore, or expand
their knowledge of, the Church of the SubGenius. SubGenius
Sources is filmed before a live audience.]
SEX: THE DIVINE BATTLE
We could say that sex is more important than "Bob," were it not
that "Bob" IS sex.
The Church of the SubGenius is a sexist church; we are for the
sexes, the intersection, the union of them. In whatever sick
combinations the parties involved consent to.
However, "Bob" is violently against the humanist forces that
would tear down TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES. The SubGenius
mutation tends to run in families; we should therefore reproduce
in the greatest possible degree, for we may need back-up in case
our numbers are drastically reduced in End-Times Mutant vs.
Trouble is, the Conspiracy has it set up so that both sex and
the lack thereof cause tremendous problems even for
Don't kid yourself: "looks" are all-important in this society.
If you are plain or ugly, this is already painfully obvious to
Being goofy-looking according to prevailing standards of beauty,
though almost always a curse in high school and college, can
actually pay off commensurately in later life, when people get
less picky due to their own fading attractiveness. People
unusual-looking enough to have perceived it in childhood tend to
develop paranormal personalities to compensate for strange bone
structure or quirky physical mannerisms. An occasional
SubGenius, overzealously mindful that his looks brand him, will
actually _worsen_ his appearance as a masochistic means of
either toughening his mind or else projecting an "I-don't-care"
attitude. This is a pose, however, and verges on Pinkness. [Ed.:
"pink" is a pejorative Sub-G term roughly meaning "normal," in
the worst possible sense of the word. It does not imply a
specific sexual orientation.]
To the people that count, looks aren't that important. If you
suspect someone won't date you, or whatever, because of your
looks, then that person is a Glorp and not worthy of your
For most SubGenii, Con-programmed TV-style "good looks" are
insignificant compared to the particular gleam in the eye, the
'edge' in the voice, the 'hunch' in the back, the Pstench...the
things that are meaningless to Normals. The American standard of
beauty was carefully contrived over the last few decades by a
few giant Illuminati corporations, and we all know the
engineered beauties and "hunks" in the men's mags and cig ads
are about as real as the chickens in a modern poultry factory
-where the birds are so chemically fattened and kept in such
small cages for so long that their poor feet actually grow
around the wire mesh. The horrible thing is, some of these
'foxes' and 'studs' are SubGeniuses, trapped in bodies which
attract the constant harassment of slavering idiot Normals. It
is actually _harder_ for a "knock-out" SubGenius lady to find a
proper mate than it is for an ordinary-looking one, because
SubGenius males will think her looks denote Conspiracy tampering
where there is none. Thus she must rise above her looks.
It _is_ much easier for a handsome or beautiful person to become
stupid, because they don't _need_ brains; those who chose to
maintain their SubGenius urges anyway display stalwart dignity
indeed. For these people, the problem is not that they can't get
laid: it's that they're pursued so much they feel they're being
used, which of course they are. The only advice we can give them
is that they join a SubGenius Convent -- but the ueberlust
conditions in those places is sometimes worse.
No matter your looks or proclivities, "Bob" wants you to fuck.
He wants you to use your DICK! He wants you to use what God gave
little girls. "Bob" wants you to use these things righteously
-to spread his Seed! Use them until it HURTS! WHAT DO YOU THINK
THAT "SEXHURT" MEANS?? It doesn't mean tying 'em up -- it means
you should LOVE them until it _hurts_!
But first you must locate them. DON'T LOOK FOR SOMEONE "LIKE
YOU." That is perhaps the single greatest contributing factor to
the break-up of relationships. If you want a clone of yourself,
go to a Conspiracy computer dating service. The key to good
mating is being able to appreciate differences. Pastor Buck
Naked proved this with the enormous success of his Good Sex For
Mutants League; he and his franchised MutaMatchers aren't
kidding when they say, "ALL THE WAY ON THE FIRST DATE."
Say you're new in town, or perhaps just very weird, and you're
having difficulty finding friends and/or lovers. How do you know
who to pursue?
Well, to begin with, if you're an asshole, an ever-whining creep
who hates everybody yet demands attention, you can _forget it_.
Otherwise, no matter how shy and nurdly you might be, no matter
how awkward at meeting people, there are specific clues to look
for that will tell you whether someone is worth the
embarrassment of "getting to know."
MEN: mount a Dobbshead on a wall and watch its eyes when a girl
walks by. If they move to follow her, she's a SubGenius.
LADIES: you can judge a guy by his boobs. Eyeball his
_knockers_. That's the secret.
While searching for a True SubGenius friend, you might kill time
by _using_ a Pink or two. They're easy to make friends with, at
least for the short term, _if_ you're that desperate. They have
little or no critical abilities except those dictated by The
Con, and you can quickly go through a long line of Normals;
first enticing them, then burning them out and dropping them.
Having been molded into the "Me Generation" system by the Con,
you should be able to so thoroughly out-"Me" them that they'll
eagerly let your "Me" replace their "Me." But be careful: if you
overdo it and become the biggest "Me" around, you'll end up
believing it yourself and wind up being just another Tool.
Sometimes it takes years to find your SubGenius mate(s). While
waiting, you can always develop an imaginary friend just like
you did in childhood -- or for that matter, you can just _buy_
an inflatable one. A hint: the ones with simulated hair are
worth the extra price.
On the other hand, MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY ANYWAY. 19 out
of 20 relationships end up being disasters.
But get this: the ones that do work usually come right after
you've given up looking and accepted the Isness of the Now.
"GIVE UP" AND YOU'LL G E T SEX.
The reason some Subs have trouble "getting some" is that they
exude such a strong, subconsciously-detected musk that their
very attractiveness scares their prey away. Too Much Power.
Knowing this should make it easier to stop trying. Let them do
the hunting, and you'll become the hunted. They desperately want
anything they can't have, but are repelled by what comes easily.
Just relax and loosely exploit your abnormality potential. Don't
put yourself out. When you truly Give Up, you'll suddenly find
it frighteningly easy to TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. Once
you really blow them off, the right words will spring to your
lips as if by magic and they'll flock to your VERY ANKLES!
IGNORE THEM and they will CRAVE YOU.
If you don't mind adultery, probably the best way to be
_barraged_ with sex partners is to get married. People seem to
have a perverse desire to obtain that which is _morally
unobtainable_...indicating yet another connection between making
love and making mincemeat.
According to "Bob," in the future you'll be able to use
telepathy with another person far away to create mutual yet
There is one newly-discovered sex act which we'd _love_ to tell
you about, involving the carcass of a pig and the motorized half
of a rotisserie, but this just isn't the place. Sorry.
Remember, sex is not necessary. There should be no stigma in
becoming one of "Bob's" Brides, a celestial celibate, making it
only with your spouses and tape decks. DECENCY IS OKAY, BELIEVE
IT OR NOT!!
All kinds of rules of sexual conduct have been tried, but The
Divine Battle rages on. Thus we must keep trying new techniques
as the old ones "wear out."
--MARITAL AIDS: SLACK IN MARRIAGE--
"Over every OverMan is an OverWoman" -- Anon.
Marriage is the most extreme form of Getting Sex Through Giving
Up. Marriage is compromise -- the relinquishing of certain
things which, judging by the divorce rate, half of America isn't
ready to relinquish.
The E-Z Sex of Marriage comes at a _price_: the expensive,
nerve-wracking hunt for "tail" becomes the expensive,
nerve-wracking hunt for SLACK.
When the Quest for Slack ends in wedlock, it often does bring
Slack...at first. But at some point the newly-married person
SUDDENLY REALIZES VISCERALLY just how much Slack he or she had
before! This can work out fine if the individual simply puts
what Slack he has left to better use.
But for some, the Slack never comes. The other partner may be a
"Slack Vampire," draining it away with endless demands. It is so
hard to change a Slack Vampire that the person in the situation
is once again advised to "Give Up." Call it quits.
Be sure you aren't jumping ship too soon, though. Once you leave
what you were _positive_ was a selfish Monster spouse and hook
up with a new one, you may well find, as you did the _first_
time you got married, that you actually had more Slack then but
were unable to appreciate it simply by the lack of your present
Lack of Slack!
Of course marriage is no longer considered permanent in this
evil, humanistic age, but breaking up is still HELL as red tape
and 'commitment' make it drag _on_ and _on_...so, rather than
cement the bond of matrimony in a regular church or government,
think about using a SubGenius(TM) "Placebo Brand" SHORT DURATION
MARRIAGE, available from Pastor Buck Naked. "ShordurMar" is
cheap, and can easily be voided even before the Expiration Date
with our Marital Aid Product #3: "Spurious Brand" TEMPORARY
DIVORCE CERTIFICATE ("Just In Case It _Was_ Your Fault After
Is there an unbridgeable, undestroyable barrier between men and
women that will keep them forever warring with each other?
Well, the War Between the States only lasted a few years. The
War Between Men and Women _is_ an ongoing process that shall
never end. But this doesn't mean you should stay single, screw
anyone you can, and blow off all attachments. NAY! DON'T SUCCUMB
TO HUMANIST THINKING! Go ahead and _get_ married, and FIGHT TO
Heavy marital combat often results from two partners being too
alike in temperament. Your true Soul Partner, who does exist
somewhere, is very different from you. If you were the same,
you'd become more bovine: your Holy Differences irritate you
each into learning, into seeing in new ways. You should _expect_
to fight a lot with your spouse. HONE those skills of
quarreling. You can apply them on the job!
A reminder for "unliberated" women specifically: BLOW OFF ALL
LEAVE-IT-TO-BEAVER MYTHS. There is practically no such thing as
a "good husband/dad" AND a "good provider." The Conspiracy
doesn't pay him all that money to have a good home life. Make up
your mind whether you want _him_ or the fancy goddamn
appliances, because you _won't_ get both. ACCEPT THIS HIDEOUS
FACT if you want to be a happy little dumb housewife.
Here's another concrete fact that you've always wanted to pay to
hear: In any marriage, one partner is always the kind of person
who always deals in absolutes. NEVER do _both_ partners deal in
absolutes. NEVER ARE BOTH REASONABLE. It's your spouse's fault!
One way to ease the tensions of marriage is to practice a
special form of Sexhurt slightly related to heathen tantric sex
yoga. The two of you "connect" but then _barely touch_ and
_barely move_ ("Half of 'em you bring off better by not doing
anything at all" -- "Bob")...and stay that way for a long time
while the two Nental Ives engage in an astral wrestling match.
Let _them_ slug it out and release the hidden tensions while you
and your mate enjoy the _good_ part.
All in all, truest marriage is marriage in "Bob." He is the
ultimate Justice of the Peace. Let Judge Dobbs marry you
somewhere out in the woods, under the trees; let him _watch_ as
you "do what comes natural."
...and if you have kids, THEY get your Slack.
-- IN THE FAMILY OF "BOB" --
We must take "traditional family values" to their fullest
extreme: extended, tribelike clans in which each aunt is "Mom"
and each uncle "Dad." The system is too big to ensure the
preservation of values, so communities (not communes) should
take it upon themselves. YOU CAN TRUST ONLY YETI BLOOD KIN.
We will always see strife in the home, though, particularly
between parents and teens. When a SubGenius father sees his son
come home in some unearthly new "hip" hairdo, we often hear
this: "Goddamn it you're just being 'different' for the sake of
being _different_!" "But Dad, everybody's doin' it." "So you're
not being different -- you're being _just like them_!"
The father is right. The son is being different for no other
reason than to be different -- from Dad. But he isn't
necessarily wearing the fashionable hairdo to be like his
conformist nonconformist friends -- he's wearing it to _get
laid_. Often the teen SubGenius is as alienated from his hipster
cruising-buddies as he is from Father PudWielder from whose
loins he sprang. Thus the argument is really moot, and springs
from ape-against-ape territorial imperative. Both should try to
A child should have _respect_ for the inflexible, stale wisdom
of his progenitors, who originally gave him life whether he
wanted it or not. We _need_ the oldsters -- some of them can
actually still remember The Old Ways. And we should pay homage
to our dead ancestors, who can intercede with the gods on our
behalf. (You CAN insult the ancestors of Pinks because they
And youth must be put in its rightful place of valuable
subservience: as bringer of _smart-alec_ but _effective_
solutions to problems which the Elders cannot even see. "Kids"
have more intelligence and use of the brain in direct proportion
to their lack of knowledge. We should balance the boring, rigid
good sense of the Old with the snotty, insolent originality of
the Young. The decrepit and senile should be brought home from
the "home" and placed in a center of worship -- perhaps next to
the TV. And the young must have a right to life: the Church
_strictly disapproves_ of abortion after the age of 15 years. A
15-year-old is a _living being_ with an _eternal soul_ and an
inherent right to lead even the most HORRIBLE life.
Your new family is NOT the Church of the SubGenius. It's your
OLD FAMILY seen in the all-forgiving, yet no-shit-taking, LIGHT
OF "BOB." Your old family is not what messed you up; it's the
harsh reality that made you "YOU" enough to find "Bob!" If your
parents had given you TOTAL SATISFACTION, you would now live in
TOTAL BOREDOM...you would be Pink!
Sure your parents are fuddy-duddies -- YOU WILL BE TOO -- but
you ARE a SubGenius, so something must have happened right.
DON'T KILL THEM N O W.
[Okay, you've got the pertinent info now, so get off yer
ever-widening butt and go check out _The Book Of The SubGenius_,
from which the above was excerpted. It's published by Simon &
Schuster. Remember, therapy costs $75/hour these days, so $12.95
is pretty damn cheap by comparison; even if you're already in
therapy, buy it anyway, and I'll guarantee within two weeks your
therapist will be calling YOU at 2 am to weep into the phone.]
[Pnin July 1992]
The entire AOH site is optimized to look best in Firefox® 3 on a widescreen monitor (1440x900 or better).
Site design & layout copyright © 1986- AOH
We do not send spam. If you have received spam bearing an artofhacking.com email address, please forward it with full headers to firstname.lastname@example.org.